AIBU? DIL says I am

[EmmaInADilemma]

Bit of background first. I'm retired, mediocre pension but I do a little bit of part time work. I own my own house outright. I'm comfortable but not particularly flush with money in the bank.

I have two sons, mid 30's. One is married, both DS and DIL have reasonable jobs, mortgaged to the hilt and their one DGS is at primary school. I help out where I can. I can do some of the wrap round care. I baby sit when asked, which is infrequently as they rarely go out as they don't have the spare cash for a hectic social life. The nature of my PT job allows me to have DGS most of the holidays thus avoiding expensive clubs. They rarely go on holiday certainly never abroad on expensive holidays. DGS isn't materially spoilt because a they cant afford it and b they just aren't the sort of people to indulge in must have gadgets cell phones or consoles

My other son is in a relationship. Not married. She has two from a previous relationship which my son treats as his own and I treat them as my own GC. They have a further three DC together. Neither of them work. She's never worked and I can't remember the last time he worked with any regularity. So they are both home to do school drop and pick up. They call in and out of my house several times a week either with or without the children. If Im going into town I will call and see if DIL wants to meet me for coffee etc. We have a good relationship. These GDC do have every conceivable gadget going. Even the 7yo has a blackberry. They think nothing of taking the DGC out of school and going abroad to get cheap flights and accomodation. They know the offer of babysitting is there if they need it and the younger ones do come over in the holidays too.

So. Christmas is coming. I asked DIL what the children wanted this year and that I was thinking of buying other DGC a laptop as a one off special present. I know DS and his DIL just couldn't afford something like that. So she said along the lines of thats nice but it will be expensive buying 6 laptops. I said that wasn't what I meant and her DC have all the gadgets and I certainly couldnt afford a present bill of nearly £2,000 and she had to be sensible about what I could afford.

Then the resentment came out. I favoured one DGC over the other five (I don't) that I do more for my other son and DIL than I do for them, that I pander and babysit at the drop of hat and it was all awfully unfair. I was shocked. I never knew she harboured all this. If the boot was on the other foot and she worked I would be picking up her DC from school and having them in the holidays. If they were strapped for cash I would try to help out where I could. But the simple fact is, they aren't and have quite an affluent lifestyle in comparison and don't need my help as much.

I really dont think I was being unfair or exercising favouritism by buying one child, who has very little, something nice when all his cousins already have the same thing (and more).

AIBU?

YANBU to buy whatever presents you want, for whoever you want. I've never understood this thing of everything having to be exactly fair and equal.

But I don't understand why you made a point of telling DIL that you were buying a laptop for the other child - if you said that to her, in the context of asking what her children wanted, I'm not surprised she misinterpreted that as a suggestion of laptops for them too!

I think buying a laptop for any grandchild is an OTT present tbh. I think anything to do with money is a minefield, and for that reason, I would stick to a sensible budget where you are giving the same amount to each child.
If you feel that some of the grandkids have tons of gadgets already, why not buy bonds, which can then be saved? Maybe just a small token present alongside. Sorry - but I honestly think a laptop for a primary age child is OTT for a grandparent - and probably even a parent! - to give.

As for the accusation of favouritism... its a tricky one, and this is why regular childcare and grandparenting often don't mix well. In your case, the unemployed son and his family sound a right load of losers, and in the long term, despite their expensive gadgets, their children are getting far less of a good deal and poor role models. I can understand you being more inclined to help out with the other gc as the parents work, but tbh with both of them working, and only one child of school age, they ought to be paying for at least some of their own out of school care. Maybe the other son feels that school holidays are all about the one gc, as you provide most of the holiday care?

I don't think there's an easy solution to the wider problem (the laptop issue is different as I say) and you sound like you mean well but obviously there is a lot of feeling of resentment in the family

I'm curious too how they afford all these gadgets and holidays if neither of them work. Do you think they might have debt problems and not actually be as 'affluent' as they outwardly appear?

Not that it's really relevant to the Christmas present issue, just wondering!

It's up to you how you spend your time and your money. But you obviously approve if one ds lifestyle more than the other and are treating the gc differently as a result.

If I were part of your family I would see it as favouritism. As I said, it's your money and your choice.

OP I think your post is a very clear illustration of how things get distorted and blown out of proportion when it comes down to the dynamics of families with children. Even the most innocent, well intentioned, gesture or comment can cause an almighty blow out, and usually you are left wondering what the hell happened. In your case, I think you have made your reasons perfectly clear for doing what you are re xmas presents. There is also the fact that one son has 1 child, the other has 6. The DIL here is bang out of order to expect you to multiply spends on her kids by 6 as opposed to dividing by 6. There are clear distinctions between both families and their set up, explaining the difference in your approach and the amount of time you spend/help out/spend money on gifts. My DB has 3 kids. I spent a fortune on the 1st when he came along, stretched myself a bit too much when the 2nd came along, and then had to scale back when the 3rd appeared. Your DIL IBU. Her spewing all the things she added on to her outrageous expectation of you and your finances smacks of manipulation, not genuine gripes if this is the 1st you have been made aware of your 'unreasonable' behaviour. So, for me YANBU at all.

I think it's really sad that all of that has boiled down to how much each present costs. If everyone gets a present, and each present has been chosen with the needs and likes of the recipient in mind, why should it matter if someone's present cost £500 and someone else's £5? It's grasping and materialistic to judge a present by how much it cost.

I don't divvy up my kids' presents according to cost. DS1 is 11 and invariably gets far more spent on his presents than DS2 (who's 2). DS1 also gets far fewer presents. This is because DS1 likes gadgets and video games and other things that tend to cost a lot. DS2 likes plastic tat which you can amass a big pile of for the price of 1 Xbox game.

bugger, I knew I got the number wrong! 5 kids! Sorry...

It doesn't sound as though you are being unreasonable overall, but it does sound a bit unfair to decide you are buying a laptop for one grandchild and much much cheaper presents for the others and remarkably tactless to then casually tell the mother of the others that that's what you're planning to do and expect her to be happy about it.

Are you sure your DS2 and family aren't strapped for cash/up to their ears in debt? Because if neither of them works, they have five children between them, and they take holidays abroad and buy the children all the latest gadgets then it's hard to see how they can possibly have more money than your DS1 and his family have with a single child and two incomes.

You do sound as though you approve of your DS1's lifestyle (pouring all money into house leaving no money for luxuries and being not the sort of people to indulge) more than your DS2's lifestyle (pouring all money into holidays and gadgets but perhaps not having so much put aside for the future) and I can see how it could come across that you are "rewarding" DGC1's family for their financial prudence by buying him a laptop while "penalising" DGC2-6's family for their financial profligacy by buying them smaller presents.

So say to your lazy DIL, "You're right, everyone will be treated equally." Then buy the laptop so that your hardworking son can give it to his child, and buy each of the six grandchildren a present costing a tenner or so.

Why should your DIL know everything about your financial life?

If my son and DIL didn't work and clearly had a lot of money, I'd be wondering how, too.

YANBU. I have three children and don't give them all the same. They get what they need when they need it and being three completely different, Individual charactors their needs are different.

Ds1 went on an expensive school trip abroad. I don't feel I have to get something for the others to "make things equal".

My mother will often give me something and not my sister and vice versa and sometines one of her dgc need something and she will help out. She doesn't have to do it for them all.

I think you sound like a lovely Granny. Do your sons get on. Perhaps you should discuss it with your second son.

My pils always did more for my dbils kids than for mine, but, geographically, we lived 3.5 hours away and dbil and family 20 minutes away so not unreasonable.

Most of the time I didn't mind, but did get pissed off when mil took dbils kids to Cirque du Soleil in London as part of their pressie, as I could (we were abroad by then) taken ds over on Eurostar for him to go as well, and had some time shopping/museuming in London and then taken him home again.

I would spend what you normally do at Christmas and then buy the laptop afterwards and don't say anything. However, depending on how old the sole gc is, I am not convinced he needs a laptop yet.

DS is just bone idle. DIL is a bit scatty but a nice girl. I can understand her not working when you have 5 between 7 and 13.

Their money? Benefits. She has DLA DS is her carer. Two of the children have DLA too. Plus carers allowance. DIL is also nominated carer for her DM. Child benefit x 5. HB. No council tax etc. Probably more I don't know about neither do I ask about. They just have so much more disposable income.

Other son and Dil. The mortgage. Council tax, buildings and contents, car insurance, tax, pensions. Everything that sucks you dry owning a house. Train fares.

I do the babysitting because I like having them round. Thats what grannies are for. Its no hardship to me to pop down the road and do a school pick up and have someone to chat to for a little while.

DIL and I are good friends. The whole conversation came about whilst flicking through a catalogue flyer out shopping. I asked her opinion as I value it as a friend. Then I got all the resentment. That she'd obviously hidden very well. That makes me sad.

Oh come on, OP, she has nothing to be resentful about! She hasn't asked you to babysit and you've refused. Of course they can do the school pickup because neither of them works! You say you can see why she doesn't want to work with five children, but she's never worked, has she? And your son would be at home in the day - it would be easy for her to work. All of the children are in school - how do other people manage?

All this money coming in has given her a sense of entitlement, I think. She's now decided you owe her.

I have a feeling this will turn into a benefits thread. Be prepared!

YANBU......my mum doesnt spend equal amounts...they get presents she thinks they would like.n I really don't get this mentality of "we must spend the same". A gift is a gift regardless of monetary value.

My MIL was recently here to visit and said she would spend £100 per child for Christmas on our kids. She only spent £120, should I chase her for the other £80??? Of course not!

Do what you feel OP and if DIL is so money grabbing tell her to be grateful she gets anything!!

No she hasn't! What tosh!

I would simply guess that she wants all the gc to be treated equally and she doesn't feel that they are being!

This situation can be easily remedied with some effective communication OP.

I don't think it would be right to treat one gc to a prestigious and very expensive Christmas present, and not the others. The kids are not responsible for their parents' choices, and should not be discriminated against because of them.

I totally see where you are coming from and in a sense I agree with you, but it just cannot work, without it being viewed as favouritism.

My advice? Tone down the Christmas plans as the same for all....and rethink the lap top idea in the new year. For what it's worth I can see how you are caught between a rock and hard place. x

You need to tell her straight. Stpp beong pathetoc and look at the situation from theirs to your other son and then let her tell you that your being unreasonable. If she still does then she Is a fool.

Seems that having 5kids and not working does pay out. Wish I could have alot of dispoable Income.
BTW I'm also on benefits too but struggling.

Wow well its certainly an eye opener to see the sort of lifestyle those benefits can bring.

In my naivety I assumed things like DLA were to cover necessary living expenses, not to enable millions of gadgets and pulling the kids out of school for holidays abroad.....

Anyway, I stand by my original post. I don't think its necessary to buy a present costing 400/500 pounds on ANY grandchild. Its way OTT. The parents themselves may want to buy the main present for their child anyway. You mean well, but many parents would find it disempowering to feel their childs main present isnt from them. You already save them a fortune in holiday care - ok, they may be strapped for cash, but many families in their position would have to pay all their childcare too.

Decide on an amount you can afford. Then buy a savings bond for each grandchild. For the feckless lazy son, thats actually quite a good message - that investing in the future is a wise idea. With more benefit cuts on the way its a message they need to learn fast! Then buy a small token gift if you want to feel youre giving a tangible gift too.

You sound lovely and switched on. You have a good relation with DIL, and are giving to each family/DGC what they ask and what you choose to give. Sounds great.

Your DIL works hard and scrimps. She sees her effort, her abstemious ways, and the fact that she asks little of you. She sees that other son's family does not work, has gadgets, and obtains a lot of help in terms of contact and baby-sitting from you. So she feels resentful. It's a legitimate feeling, and she can express it if she wants to. It doesn't make your behaviour wrong. Or hers either.

I don't think there's anything you need to do differently, other than hear and accept your DIL's resentment. Then carry on doing what you think is right.

Honestly .....

• you were a bit stupid (sorry!) to tell your other DIL that you were buying a laptop for the other GC
• you are lovely to buy the laptop for the single GC - dont let the other DIL dictate how you spend your money
• when one family has 5 kids and the other has 1 kid, so what if you spend more on one. This year tell them, as another poster suggested, that the each family has the same spent on them, so 5 kids will get what the equivalent of the laptop. Next christmas, just spend £x on each kid.
• DIL with 5 kids should be grateful you treat her own kids like your own GC
• DIL with 5 kids needs to stop this sense of entitlement
• DIL chose 5 kids and her lifestyle (to a degree)
• Your DS needs to get off his arse

Sorry! pls do buy the other GC the laptop.

Did you think at all about how your son might feel if you buy your GS a laptop "because they can´t afford it" & lesser presents for your other GC because they already have so much?

As you have 6 GC, I wouldn´t have thought that anyone of them would expect much more than a token gift tbh.

Does your GS even need/want a laptop?

The rest of the year my 5 children get different amounts spent on them according to needs. Christmas and birthdays are the only time that the same amount is spent on all of them from the 15 yr old right down to the 7 yr old.

If your son is paid to be your DIL´s carer-isn´t that his work?

Surely he shouldn´t be out earning a wage as well?

YANBU to help the working couple out with childcare, personally the DIL who has three children in a non working household doesnt need any childcare at all.

I usually believe that all children should be treated the same, however it must be awful for the couple that work to see the other set getting everything handed to them whilst they have to watch their spending so i'd be tempted in your situation to get the laptop. I wouldnt have said anything though and just done it.

Looks to me more like a benefits bashing thread. Sorry, but I'm a carer, we get DLA and we cannot afford gadgets, holidays etc.
Apart from which, you say DS is bone idle and his partner is disabled, she's getting DLA. Is he bone idle? He's getting Carer's allowance to look after her. He only gets one lot of carer's allowance, yet two of the children are in receipt of DLA, perhaps he's looking after his disabled family. I work an eighteen hour day most days looking after mine. Does that make me bone idle?