AIBU? DIL says I am

[EmmaInADilemma]

Bit of background first. I'm retired, mediocre pension but I do a little bit of part time work. I own my own house outright. I'm comfortable but not particularly flush with money in the bank.

I have two sons, mid 30's. One is married, both DS and DIL have reasonable jobs, mortgaged to the hilt and their one DGS is at primary school. I help out where I can. I can do some of the wrap round care. I baby sit when asked, which is infrequently as they rarely go out as they don't have the spare cash for a hectic social life. The nature of my PT job allows me to have DGS most of the holidays thus avoiding expensive clubs. They rarely go on holiday certainly never abroad on expensive holidays. DGS isn't materially spoilt because a they cant afford it and b they just aren't the sort of people to indulge in must have gadgets cell phones or consoles

My other son is in a relationship. Not married. She has two from a previous relationship which my son treats as his own and I treat them as my own GC. They have a further three DC together. Neither of them work. She's never worked and I can't remember the last time he worked with any regularity. So they are both home to do school drop and pick up. They call in and out of my house several times a week either with or without the children. If Im going into town I will call and see if DIL wants to meet me for coffee etc. We have a good relationship. These GDC do have every conceivable gadget going. Even the 7yo has a blackberry. They think nothing of taking the DGC out of school and going abroad to get cheap flights and accomodation. They know the offer of babysitting is there if they need it and the younger ones do come over in the holidays too.

So. Christmas is coming. I asked DIL what the children wanted this year and that I was thinking of buying other DGC a laptop as a one off special present. I know DS and his DIL just couldn't afford something like that. So she said along the lines of thats nice but it will be expensive buying 6 laptops. I said that wasn't what I meant and her DC have all the gadgets and I certainly couldnt afford a present bill of nearly £2,000 and she had to be sensible about what I could afford.

Then the resentment came out. I favoured one DGC over the other five (I don't) that I do more for my other son and DIL than I do for them, that I pander and babysit at the drop of hat and it was all awfully unfair. I was shocked. I never knew she harboured all this. If the boot was on the other foot and she worked I would be picking up her DC from school and having them in the holidays. If they were strapped for cash I would try to help out where I could. But the simple fact is, they aren't and have quite an affluent lifestyle in comparison and don't need my help as much.

I really dont think I was being unfair or exercising favouritism by buying one child, who has very little, something nice when all his cousins already have the same thing (and more).

AIBU?

OP why dont you just ask each grandchild separately what they want. that way they will all be happy with what they get and wont have a clue about cost and the parents can't pay about cost either because cost or income wont have been the deciding factor, the children's wants will have been.

pay = yap

I just wanted to add my two pennies worth, you seem lovely and are obviously happy to have your family around you and to help out where you can.

I'd be concerned that DIL having made her resentment known, would then get her own way (so to speak) by you not getting the laptop.

Is it worth having a chat with her and explaining that you were taken aback by her reaction, that you never intended to hurt anyones feelings, but that GC would benefit from a laptop and you like to give a gift that will be appreciated. Perhaps mention that her kids already have access to a laptop, and say you had thought of x gift for x gc to show you hadn't forgotten her offspring too?

I come from a large family, with various brothers / sisters / grandkids - and it evens out in the end. We are pleased for each other, when one of us has an amazing gift, and I cant imagine ever begrudging any of the gk any present.

If you really aren't comfortable giving this gift for christmas, perhaps wait until it is his birthday instead, so there is no direct competition?

Firstly, you sound pretty dreamy as a granny. Unless you're hiding something, I'd swap any day so DIL should be thanking her lucky stars!

Buuuut I think it is unreasonable to spend more on one child than the others. So I suggest spending perhaps £30 on each GC, then give each set of parents a cheque to spend as they wish on the family, on a family laptop or a family whatever else they choose.

I think DIL's comments smack of a nasty sense of entitlement tbh.

A home laptop is an educational aid these days (my sen son gets use of one sometimes in the classroom as his writing skills don't match his intellect and his teacher needs to know how much is in his head lol!). If one grandchild doesn't have one in the home yet the others do then your pressie makes a lot of sense to me just in educational terms, especially if his parents manage to cobble together an internet subscription to go with.

Up until last year the DIL's family would have qualified for a free becta laptop via the school and a government scheme so long as one of their kids was year 3 - year 9. With 5 of them I'm fairly sure they met the criteria for a freebie unavailable to the working brother. Just something else to bear in mind.

Another year you may see something you feel will benefit one of the other grandchildren's life chances and want to do something for them. Those two with disabilities especially may need your help at some point.

I'd feel differently if it was a games console or an expensive bike iyswim.

It's your money, and your time. It doesn't come across to me as if this is anything other than a one off so it's OK. If you bought more expensive stuff for one child over the others all the time it'd be a very different scenario.

YANBU. To all those who say you should spend the same on each GC, equality really means treating equally according to each individual's need. The kids with all the gadgets don't need more. The kids with none would benefit from a latop. If DIL can't see that, then she's blinded by her sense of entitlement. My PIL bought my SIL a house and we didn't kick up a fuss because she was in need and we can get by without that kind of help. It's a lovely thing you're doing. Talk to her, reassure her and maybe she'll realise how well-off she is. Unfortunately, however much they have, most people just want more.

YABU I think, sorry. You don't sound nasty, but I think maybe a bit oblivious, if you try writing it in another way: one son has a disabled partner he is a full-time carer for, they have 5 kids and have to live on benefits due to the disability (and probably that there aren't any jobs at the moment- I have an MSc and am still being turned down for jobs, can't imagine how it would be if no quals!), the other are working and only have one kid, who they don't buy nice things for despite that they only have the one and are working, and you occasionally babysit for them to go out socially as well as covering childcare for school holidays etc. Now, my mum doesn't do any childcare for me really, and it's shit having to pay for childcare when I am on a really low income (PhD student), and I don't even have any disability apart from depression and mild ASD. I think at the least you could offer to babysit for your other son and DIL so they can get some time out- having a disability AND 5 kids must be completely exhausting, the poor woman (and if your son is lazy too, is she doing all the housework on top of that? She must be knackered and have NO time to herself at all).

I think you also need to have words with your other son about living within his means and if he can't afford to buy a basic laptop (only about £150 if he got it second hand) for his child if they need it for school then frankly they need to move somewhere cheaper instead of 'mortgaging themselves to the hilt' which is irresponsible just as much as 'not working' (which often isn't a choice)- no one needs to live in an expensive area in bought housing, they could rent or move somewhere which isn't such a posh area if they can't afford things. They are damn lucky having you doing free childcare to enable that tbh!

itsmeandmepumpkin WRONG DIL - it's the one with the cash who's resentful!

I had a BIL like this - and their kids had to have identical presents! drove my poor MIL mad.

it would never occur to me to resent or care about what my dps or PILs spent on their other grandchildren [hshock] especially if there was one who had very little compared to mine. My MIL is hugely generous with gifts - and tbh Ive never heard of one of the actual gcs (all now grown up) complain when another got something "big" (like driving lessons one time for one of them) but then again the complainy family live abroad [hwink]

good luck in sorting this one out!

how can she be a carer if she needs a carer????? [hconfused]

YABU. It's mean to treat grandchildren differently, and it is usually down to favouritism.

I don't think you are being unreasonable per the laptop - I have a large number of nephews and nieces and I buy them the present I think it is right for them - it evens out in the long run I hope - if it looks too odd I but expensive ones for birthdays. I think the time and effort spent per DG is the bigger issue as your DIL seems to resent this. I have no experience myself but would imagine that life with 3 disabled people in a house could be stressful and tiring- even though on the surface it can be characterised as not working/easy. I think she was out of order to vent at you but maybe you should have a chat with her since you are friends about what her life is like...

OP YANBU in that you should spend your money how you see fit.

If one DS needs help now and you want to give it I don't see that as a problem as long as you give the same amount fairly soon to the other DS. This is how I would approach the computer matter. If your DS wants to give a computer to his child then by all means give him the money. Then give a similar amount to your other DS. No one could complain at this.

Each and every GC should be treated the same by you though- otherwise it is not fair and resentment will grow.

However I am [hshock] at how rude and entitled your DIL was. If I had been spoken to like that I would be making sure each son got the same present/money from now on and he could divide it up how he wanted. The children would get a small gift to open, their parents could decide how to divide up any extra cash.

The laptop is just the catalyst for DIL pouring out her feelings, not the core issue.

I think that the core issue for DIL is the amount of time you spend with the DGCs. I gather that you babysit more for the DGC with working parents as there is a greater need - but it shouldn't just be about needs. The only thing I ever get jealous about is if I feel that my parents are spending more time with my sister's children than with mine, irrespective of needs (poor parents, it's hard to keep everything fair!). They see DSis and family more frequently as they live a lot closer, but as my Mum points out, they spend longer at ours when they do visit as they stay for a weekend at a time.

Think you need to sit down and have a long talk with DIL. It sounds like you have a good relationship and, you know, it is a good thing that this has all come out so that you can both listen to and understand each other's point of view and sort it out.

My mum bought my ds1 a laptop, I couldn't afford to at the time. My sister and her dh earn alot more than I did and could afford to buy dn a laptop themselves.

Luckily my sister and her dh arnt so petty that it has caused a problem. They realise that our situations are different and don't begrudge ds1 receiving a present from my mum as they know if they were in the same position she would have done the same for them.

My mum doesn't favour ds1 over the other grandchildren

It would be up to the other grandchildren to decide whether that's the case.

catsrus Not that it needs to be justified, but it's entirely possible that she can do some things but not others.

I didn't mean to get into a benefit thing. DILs disability a congenital deafness, inherited from her mother and two DGCs have partial hearing too. So not disabled per se she has 30% hearing in one ear and 10% in the other. It's a mystery to me also how the system works. I prefer not to dwell on it. They all get by with lip reading to enhance their reduced hearing, subtitles etc no hearing dog or telephones with flashing lights. Between you and me her mum lovely lady too was a bit too protecive of DIL never encouraged her to stride out into the world. Not a lot of confidence.

I didnt know about the reconditioned laptop site so thank you for that.

DGC goes up to big school next year and the home PC is a bit of a rickety old thing that works on a wish and a prayer. I know he'll need something more reliable for homework.

I don't suppose I will see so much of him when he starts getting the bus and making new friends.

I think I might just buy myself a spare laptop that can be used here and everyone else can have an oxfam goat. Or a panda from the WWF.

riiight, my mil bought my bils daughter a laptop for her birthday, thats what she wanted and asked for and was led to believe she was getting from her parents who are quite selfish tbh, but then they got her something cheaper else . one year she was told she was going to disneyland and then ehr dad bought himself a new car instead (they had a car already)

my children got gifts that she had chosen specifically for them and they loved! gift giving is about buying something te children will enjoy not the amount you spend, i dont care that mil got her a laptop, this year shes getting ds's kinect because thats what he really wants and it will make him happy (ds1 is not biologically hers btw) so (as a dil in the same position but not as money hungry yanbu)

Why would you buy children something like an oxfam goat? What a miserable present for a child.

Also that's interesting what you say about deafness, because as I understand it computer technology has been a godsend to deaf people, which might be why there's so much of it in their house.

I agree with pictish

There's logic and there's how this will be received.

Also thirty per cent hearing in one ear and ten per cent in another is definitely a disability.

good post ceebie

Obviously you have moved on here but I think the person is right who said thinking in terms of total spend per family it's completely reasonable.

I think Yanbu.

but I think I would buy all the grandchildren something for ten pounds and then buy the single grandchild the laptop anyway, and just find an excuse for it, like good grades, or it was going cheap, or something like that.

Wibbly- It costs a fortune to move house (even if you can sell). You could probably buy 100 laptops for less than the price of a move.

Yanbu because you are helping out your family based on their need.

That's what being inclusive is.

If one side of your family needs it and one side of your family doesn't, then it is not fair to treat them exactly the same because they have different needs, and you are doing this to help at the end of the day.

You could give them all exactly the same, but if the outcome is that one side of teh family is better off than the other, then that is defeating the point of you trying to help.

If I were you I would buy your dgs his laptop just as a present, and keep it fairly quiet. You shouldn't have to hide it if anyone asks, but it is not really anyone elses business apart from you and your ds and dil who have the one child. Then you can buy them all something equal for their Christmas present. Just spend a tenner on each of them for Christmas.

My Mum bought my two dc a laptop for their birthdays which were both over the summer. Ds1 has just started secondary, and although he could have managed on our family laptop, it is so much better and nicer for him to have his own. I have been surprised how much he has already used it for school work, and it's only half term. DS2 obviously got a laptop too, and he has much less homework that he needs it for, but they bth live in the same household so it would have been unfair for one of them to be given a laptop and not the other. This is not the case in your situation, and it's your money, so do what you want to do and buy your DGS his laptop. It's not his faut that his uncle has so many children, so why should he miss out on help that his Gran wants to give him because of that?