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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HerScaryness · 25/10/2011 18:40

Oh it's OK if he's a mass murderer cos he's lovely to his mother

We never thought he'd be capable of such evil, he always seemed so nice

When he wanted to, he could charm the birds from the trees.

Common phrases used to describe those who have committed harm against others.

When the bad points involve the systematic and planned destruction of the self esteem of another person, when they inflict when they want that person to defer every little bit of freedom, every thought, action, choice, it's abuse.

Plain and simple.

He doesn't have to come in battering, belting and beating; a comment here, controlling manoeuvre there does more damage long term than a slap, a kick or a punch.

This man is not good for the OP. he is abusing his position in her life.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 19:52

the systematic and planned destruction of the self esteem of another person, when they inflict when they want that person to defer every little bit of freedom, every thought, action, choice, it's abuse.

Yes it is.... but where do you see evidence here that the OP's partner has "systematically planned the destruction of her self esteem".... or showed that he wants er to "defer every little bit of freedom etc"...

Talk about gross exaggeration!

HerScaryness · 25/10/2011 20:00

Talk about GROSS ionysis. yeah I'm talking about YOU love.

You must be a bit thick love, cos you keep getting told this over and over but don't seem to grasp it.

Perhaps NetMums would be more your measure?

He is seeking to control her every movement.
He is telling her what to wear and when.
He is telling her that she is not safe going out with her friends.
He is telling her that she is not safe to get home by herself.
he is insisting on staying in her house to check up on her, to make sure she comes home ideally when he thinks she should and will call and text and go get her when he wishes.

THIS is the systematic destruction of a person. He's teaching her that she needs to stop making her own decisions and to do as she is told.

he's teaching her to doubt her own ability, her own decisions about how she behaves and carries herself.

he is policing her life, and sulking, stropping to make sure he remains in charge of her freedom.

So here you go ionysis, off you pop love - www.netmums.com/

littlemisssarcastic · 25/10/2011 20:15

When I first read the OP, I thought I was having a deja vous moment. Sad

ionysis · 25/10/2011 20:33

He is seeking to control her every movement. - where does she say this? How has he been trying to control her every movement. The OP has only discussed his bhaviour in relaion to late nights out clubbing - no other times or places. Your argument would hold more water if you didn't feel the need to completely extrapolate past the (acceptably compelling) facts set out in black and white
He is telling her what to wear and when. - he has ASKED her to wear a specific thing on ONE occasion so far - whether this will continue / be exacerbated over time is yet to be proven
He is telling her that she is not safe going out with her friends. - he has claimed to be worried about her running around in a short skirt in the early hours of the morning - I can imagine her parents expressing a similar concern
He is telling her that she is not safe to get home by herself. - He has said once again he is woried she will be at risk. As gypsycat pointed out this may be based on previous experiences. I think a solid argument could be made logically for there being greater risk for a woman returning home on public transport than being collected in a car by a friend / partner
he is insisting on staying in her house to check up on her, to make sure she comes home ideally when he thinks she should and will call and text and go get her when he wishes. - There is no proof of his motivation for insisting on staying at her house. The insistence itself is wholly unreasonable, rude and presumptuous but the reasons for his insistence have not been disclosed so this is pure surmise.

There are sufficient ACTUAL FACTS related by the OP to indicate his behaviour is unreasonable - that has been disputed by no one. Exaggerating, fictionalising and using ridiculous hyperbole only makes people look like raving idiots and obfuscates the actual issues beneath frenzied embellishment to the point of misrepresentation.

PosiesOfPoison · 25/10/2011 20:34

ionysis, Can I just ask, again, are you religious?

Georgimama · 25/10/2011 20:37

ionysis do you accept that the most likely person to assault or rape a woman is someone known to her - her partner or a male friend, rather than some random nutter on the street or in a club? Because that is a fact. His concern is not born out by fact. And he is not her mother, nor is she of an age to be subject to a parent's control.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 20:38

Not in the slightest.

PosiesOfPoison · 25/10/2011 20:44

Just wondered why you would meet a damaged soul and feel you had to rescue them? You keep excusing men for their behaviour and asking their victims partners to save them to understand them, but not to get rid.

Just seems weird.

olibeansmummy · 25/10/2011 20:44

This is very worrying behaviour. I was with someone similar at 17-19 I ended up losing all my friends and confidence. He even accused me of going out with another man because my (female) friend's name was Sam. He'd met her ffs! He used to tell me people were talking/ laughing about me behind my back (maybe they were but I now suspect not). Whenever I went out with friends he'd miraculously show up, even after we'd split up. He wasn't worth the damage he did to me and neither is this man,

PosiesOfPoison · 25/10/2011 20:45

Why else would a man tell his gf, that he doesn't live with, what to wear and how long she should stay out?

ionysis · 25/10/2011 20:45

Sorry Georgimama, that reply was to Posies.

Yes absolutely. And I have not disputed at all that (and I'll repeat it for the unpteeth time) that the partners behaviour is totally out of order. What I HAVE objected to is the immediate assumption that he IS without the shadow of doubt a controlling abuser whose behaviour will only get worse and is a real and present danger to the OP which she needs to run from now.

There is another thread on here which discusses people's irrational insistece on jumping immediately to the worst possible case in any given scenario whether it is reasonable or rational to do so or not (i.e. old man on park bench watching kids - maybe he is a paedo!! Better be on the safe side and call the police on him).

I would just prefer to actually investigate a situation, at least partially, before responding with a knee jerk reaction. I like to at least try to find out REASONS for things before I judge a person's actions. Especially with someone who I have developed feelings for. Call me crazy, I know.

pigletmania · 25/10/2011 20:47

He sounds strange, I just would not continue with this relationship..

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 20:47

"I can imagine her parents expressing a similar concern"

Me too. When she was 15.

Not appropriate for her lover to be expressing that sort of concern when she's an adult. Yuk. Imagine that - your lover treating you like your parents did. Euuuw.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 20:50

There may be pertinent factors which have not thus far been disclosed - for example the cultural influence if the OPs partner is not English. This behaviour would be considered COMPLETELY normal in many other parts of the world. That for me would completely change the context of his actions.

It wouldn 't make we want to stay wth the guy any more than if he WAS a mentalist but I WOULD understand his actions and attitude - and it wouldn't be down to him being a crazy abusive monster.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 20:52

ionysus, you can't afford to give an abuser the benefit of the doubt, that's the problem.

The more time you give him, the more entitled he feels to control you and to stop you from exiting a relationship with him.

There is no need to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. No-one needs a boyfriend. It's just not worth getting involved with someone who may be an abuser, it doesn't matter if he's not, there is no advantage whatsoever to the OP, of hanging around to find out. There are plenty of men out there who definitely aren't and if this dickhead isn't hanging around, teh OP can concentrate on meeting one of those.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 20:55

Well yes, there could be all sorts of things that explain his behaviour in a better light than atm.

But really, so what? so what if it's cultural, psychological, blah di blah? So what?

Bottom line is, if someone's company is irksome in your life, although there may be mitigating factors as to why they are being irksome, you don't need to hang around to analyse them or examine them, you can just move on. That's the joy of living in a society where you are allowed to change partners.

minxofmancunia · 25/10/2011 20:56

OP agree completely with the majority on here. DH can be a bit heavy handed with the text messaging when I'm out but has knocked it on the head when I told him in no uncertain terms to pack it in and I wouldn't tolerate it. He does get a bit snippy when I'm out late of an eve without him but he has to lump it. We're parents now we can't go out together that often and I want a life..free from harassment.

From anyphantomfucker

"There is nothing "sad" about your partner actually leaving you the fuck alone to get on with your night out with the girls

I don't text my husband when he is out either (unless it is to ask him to pick up some milk on the way home or summat)"

Couldn't agree more!!! I only text DH for milk/wine/a takeaway Grin

I think it smacks of self esteem issues if you need your partner to miss and pine for you on a night out Hmm. I would find that irritating and claustrophobic, and controlling tbh. It's like a being a bit possessive is ok if it indicates they love you. my friend does this, had a nice bloke for 8 years who never questioned anything then left him and ended up with a controlling wanker who wouldn;t let her have male friends so she had to lie. Hey but a least he cared Hmm

PosiesOfPoison · 25/10/2011 20:58

Seriously so what if his last five gf's cheated on him and he's now insecure, which I doubt, he's weird. He's over stepping boundaries, his own insecurities (to give him the BOD) should not be so overwhelming that he can't behave within normal range.

Personally I think he probably would turn out to be a hideous abuser who would rather the OP never leaves his side and beats her for looking at another man, but if not AT BEST he's strange and the OP should find someone nice,.

notmyproblem · 25/10/2011 21:22

OP come back...

gypsycat · 26/10/2011 06:30

I can't tell if the women on this forum have either all been severely abused by former partners and are therefore rapid man haters or exaggerate and jump to conclusion or haven't the slightest clue what abuse, or being in an abusive relationship is like and jump on the abuse train without knowing what they are talking about.

gypsycat · 26/10/2011 06:30

Sorry who exaggerate and jump to conclusions

Georgimama · 26/10/2011 07:11

what passes for culturally normal male behaviour in some countries is abuse to my mind. Don't actually care to get into discussions of cultural relativism.

Hmm to you gypsycat. A great big Hmm.

KatAndKit · 26/10/2011 07:12

I don't think she is "being abused" and have never said so. I am not a rabid man hater. I just think he is being a twat and she shouldn't put up with being treated that way. Him being a jealous and possessive wanker who thinks he can tell her what to do in her own home is the only conclusion I have jumped to. And I think it's a good enough reason to end the relationship.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/10/2011 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.