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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lurkinginthebackground · 25/10/2011 10:09

I agree with Ephiny.
Once you have told your partner roughly what time you will be back in why the hell would they need to ask you again.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 10:10

Yes sorry saw that gypsy, cross posted. [hsmile]

Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 10:11

Ooooh be careful - my exh started like this. Then it went on and on until I couldn't wear make-up to work and such like and then he started getting violent.

To start with I would tell him how you feel. If you feel you can't then you know you need to walk away without me saying it probably.

Bless you. I was blind to it, and thought I was in love with a man like this and I was foolish enough to marry him. Took me having a baby with him to gain the courage to walk away.

Georgimama · 25/10/2011 10:13

nope, makes no difference at all that he is "ok" with her wearing it if he can pick her up . This is incredibly controlling behaviour. she is a grown adult. she doesn't need him to be ok with what she wears, can you really not see that?

ionysis · 25/10/2011 10:13

Gee, you're all married to the last of the great romantics aren't you?! I get "I/we miss you"s when I'm at work usually accompanied by photos of DD and H making stupid faces!

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:16

I like it that way

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 10:18

Whatever she's wearing, he has no right to pick her up if she doesn't want him to.

The problem is, if you start negotiating with someone like this, you are conceding that he has a right to negotiate with you about it. It is a mistake.

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 10:19

I see nothing wrong with offering to pick her up if he thinks what she's wearing might attract the wrong kind of attention, its a bit old fashioned yes, and it would annoy me, but I wouldn't immediately jump on the "he's an abusive asshole, hang him by his testicles" train.

She told him no, and presumably went out wearing it anyway.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 10:20

Maybe he has been listening to the NYPD: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2043851/Brooklyn-women-told-police-wear-short-skirts-case-gets-raped.html

Perhaps OP should go on a "slut walk" to assert her right to wear what she likes!

Georgimama · 25/10/2011 10:20

My husband is incredibly romantic. he just doesn't send me mooney texts when i am going about my daily business.

You aren't actually suggesting the op's boyfriend is being romantic are you? when he starts knocking her about i'm sure he will say he only does it because he loves her. Hmm

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 10:20

Actually when I'm out with my mates I wouldn't want my DP to interrupt me in what I'm doing. Similarly, if I'm with a lover, I don't want a mate to interrupt me then either.

I'm good at multi-tasking, but I don't want to multi-task my social life IYSWIM. It irritates me when someone interrupts me when they know I'm with other people.

Georgimama · 25/10/2011 10:22

it wasn't an offer gypsy. he insisted and sulked camped out at her flat when she insisted on making her own way. Are you being deliberately contrary or can you really see nothing odd here?

Ephiny · 25/10/2011 10:25

I think whether or not you like the lovey-dovey texts etc is a matter of personal preference, and doesn't really have anything much to do with the OPs situation. I hope no one is suggesting that the those things are the same?

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 10:27

I do think he's being odd, but I simply wouldn't brand him a horrid abusing git yet. As I said, perhaps he has a reason to be so protective. Obviously it bothers the OP and she should either leave the relationship or learn to deal with it. But his behaviour does not automatically make him an abuser.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 10:27

The "old fashioned" thing struck a chord. My MOTHER used to get very angry with me when I was with one of my exes that she particularly adored because she thought it was "inappropriate" for me to be out drinking in mixed company to the early hours of the morning when I was supposed to be in a committed relationship to him. Her exact words were "nothing good happens to a girl past midnight in a bar". I could have given her examples which would have proved her wrong but also given her hear failure so I resisted Grin.

When I went out with an older man he too thought it was inappropriate for me to be out late, dressed in tarty clothes, drinking with men late at night when I was going out with him. he thought it was "asking for trouble".

I had another thought too.

Is this man English OP?

Where I live in the Middle East many of the men here (not just Muslims or Arabs but various nationalities) would be VERY unhappy about their girlfriend being out late and dressed in short skirts. It's just not the done thing and culturally they would find it humiliating and unacceptable.

Of course if he is english you can scratch that, but as we live in such a multicultural society these days I thought it was worth a mention.

RealityIsADistantMemory · 25/10/2011 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 11:08

"I simply wouldn't brand him a horrid abusing git yet."

No neither would I.

But I don't know why the OP wants to be in a relationship with him. He may or may not be a horrid abusing git, what we do know, is that he makes himself very inconvenient for her, so why should she put up with him? The default assumption should be, that you should be single unless you find someone who really enhances your life and makes it better. Currently the default assumption is that everyone needs to be in a relationship, so you have to come up with a reason why not to be, rather than coming up with a good reason to be with someone. Wrong way round IMO and the reason why so many people who really ought not to be together, are.

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 11:10

I'm not sure why the OP wants to be in a relationship with him either. I though initially perhaps he had some redeeming qualities and this was just something that irritated her in an otherwise good relationship (otherwise why bother asking for advise). But it would seem that she truly doesn't like the guy. In which case, I don't understand why she's with him.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 11:16

Only my theory, but I suspect it's because she feels she needs a reason not to be in a relationship with him, rather than needing a reason to be in a relationship with him. People feel they have to justify ending a relationship, even if it's not a very long-standing or important one.

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 11:23

Nonsense, if you aren't happy, you aren't happy. Nuff said, move on. There's more fish in the sea.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 11:26

Well obviously I agree with you.

But lots of people don't agree with us - they've swallowed the coupledom myth and have immense dilemmas about moving on to more fish in the sea, where we can't see any dilemma at all.

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 11:38

I mean, I understand that if she's otherwise happy with the relationship, and this is just something he does that worries her or irritates her, but otherwise she really likes him and enjoys his company, sure work on the relationship (as was the case with my DH). But if you are this miserable after a few months dump him for pete's sake.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 11:45

Shame the OP didnt answer my question about what any good points might be.

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/10/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatAndKit · 25/10/2011 18:30

It doesn't matter about the good points ionyisis. I'm sure he does have some good points. But the bad points mean that he is not a good partner for her and that outweighs the good points. He doesn't even live with her and he is dictating to her about her wardrobe, "insisting" he stays round her house uninvited, won't leave her in peace to enjoy an evening out with friends and seems to assume she is about to go off and shag someone else.
So even if he does have good points (massive cock, lotsa money, good conversation whatever) he is still not treating her well.