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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 08:03

All I can say, gypsycat, is that the warning signs are there and she would do best to take heed and end the relationship. I have never been in an abusive relationship and I am not a man hater, but I wouldn't put up with that level of concern control. It will only get worse.

exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 08:07

Either finish it before the weekend or tell him that he is not staying at your house, you will come in when you want and you will wear what you want and you will be switching your phone off-you are used to doing your own thing and he can sulk all he likes but you are not going to change. (on reflection I would just end it).

FreudianSlipper · 26/10/2011 08:11

i am not a man hater how pathetic to claim that those who have been abused are

yes i have been with an abusive man, i work and i am training within dv, these are the warning signs ask most women in an abusive relationship or have been most will tell this story once the realise they are many women start to think this is normal behaviour, it is not

if it is making you feel uncomfortable then it is wrong, if it is making you question the motive of his actions then it is wrong, if you are hurting it is wrong it is that simple, not rocket science and always always listen to that little voice inside your head

exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 08:24

People say that they can't get out later-it is too difficult with finances, DCs and just getting generally brainwashed. I always think 'if only they had got out at that very first moment of concern'. This is the first moment, it isn't normal, get out.

ionysis · 26/10/2011 09:03

how pathetic to claim that those who have been abused are

What IS it with people on here who appear to be unable to read plain english and just twist it into whatever they can get offended about?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/10/2011 09:06

ionysis LMAO! Would be handy to make sure you can spell (or at least look up the spelling) of the words in a sentence when calling someone ELSE "ignorant". I do love these forums!

Oh shut up! Do you think being able to spell makes a person more knowledgable of abusive relationships and more qualified to give advice! Your post is really pathetic. If that's what you judge people on then you are an idiot. I LIKE these forums but I HATE the people like YOU on them. Twat.

ionysis · 26/10/2011 09:09

I wouldn't have mentioned a spelling mistake in any post except one where the poster is specifically trying to draw attention to anothers "IGNORANCE" (or spelling!) - just highly, highly amusing.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/10/2011 09:10

gypsycat I was going to try to explain to you how these relationships work and progress but I can see that others have been trying to do the same for pages and pages! You do not have the capacity to learn so I will not bother.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/10/2011 09:11

ionysis Pointing out anyone's spelling mistake just makes you look pathetic, really it does. Are you embarrassed? You should be.

FreudianSlipper · 26/10/2011 09:19

did you not read gypsycat's post

ionysis · 26/10/2011 10:05

I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised really:
www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/whoswhose.html

Wooooooooooooooppity · 26/10/2011 10:10

Gypsycat, your arguments are ill-informed and based on a very low opinion of men. So you decide to insult everyone pointing out that this man is not behaving in a normal way, as a man hater.

If you think that the behaviour of the man the OP is seeing is normal and OK, then you are the man-hater here, no-one else.

And keep your opinions about women who have been in abusive relationships to yourself, it's offensive and makes you sound even less well-informed than your other posts.

PosiesOfPoison · 26/10/2011 10:14

ionysis. You had no credibility before, now you seem to have less.

ionysis · 26/10/2011 10:24

Are you still frothing Whose? Grin

AnyPhantomFucker · 26/10/2011 10:25

Ionysis you need to check out your spelling elsewhere on this site

KatAndKit · 26/10/2011 10:27

What the fuck has spelling got to do with all this anyway?

Ionysis have you nothing better to do than look for spelling mistakes? That rather proves that you have run out of credible things to say.

I can't believe this issue has gone on for so long. It is simple. If you don't like how your boyfriend is behaving tell him so. If he has a problem still or continues to be a major twat then dump him and get a better boyfriend instead, or enjoy being single and not putting up with the twat.

PosiesOfPoison · 26/10/2011 10:48

Passive aggressive ionysis, that's nice. Smile (that's how passive aggressive is done, dear, with a smile not a grin] [pats head] < and that's patronising.

pictish · 26/10/2011 10:57

I agree that those who think the OP's boyfriend's behaviour is explainable, may be worked on, and is to in any way be tolerated are the 'man haters'.
I personally have higher expectations of the man in my life, as I credit him (and all the other blokes out there) with the decency to not be a cretin.

They are not children, and it is not up to us to fix things, pander to insecurities, and have patience for their issues.

It's right up there with the "men need telling what needs to be done....they don't see mess" simpering that frankly makes me want to shake the woman doing it.

I want to shake you Ionysis - you daft bint. Big words and a superior attitude do not detract from your simpering whatsoever.

DogsBeastFiend · 26/10/2011 11:10

gypsycat, I was abused by a man who acted just as they OPs BF is.
That's how it started. I lost all sense of "me", the old DogsBeastFiend was a shadow of her former self.

It ended with me in hospital.

This man might be merely a caring darling - but look at the number of women whose experiences suggest not. There's no sense in the OP hanging around to see if this man will hospitalise her.

And btw, I'm not a "rapid [sic] man hater". My best friend is a man. I just hate control freaks and abusers... and their apologists.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/10/2011 11:28

Can we see the skirt though so we can properly judge how bat shit crazy he is Wink

ionysis · 26/10/2011 11:30

Nothing wrong with spelling mistakes as long as you're not using them to bash others for THEIR ignorance

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 26/10/2011 11:38

Have you posted about him before OP? I remember a really similar thread in relationships - was that about the second time you went out?

pictish · 26/10/2011 11:38

It's as simple as this for me.....

New boyfriend, seems nice, going well...but uh oh - showing firm signs of having some control issues that can and will, in all likelihood, affect me in the future. Wary now.
Oh dear - it seems my instinct was right - he is settling into a pattern, and it appears to be escalating. Not good. Me no likey.

Hey! I know! I'll ditch his sorry arse and find me a fella who doesn't prove to be such hard work and a loose cannon within the first six months of a new relationship. After all, I don't owe my current squeeze anything, and there's plenty of guys out there that don't want to hound me on every night out and make a meal out of what skirt I'm wearing. Yeah - that sounds good to me! Cheerio loser!

Fin.

littlemisssarcastic · 26/10/2011 11:52

Monstrously I thought that too. here is the other thread.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/10/2011 11:53

ionysis I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised really:
^www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/whoswhose.html^

Wow you really are working on making yourself look as stupid and petty as possible! I am perfectly aware of the gramatical error in my username, I would of thought it was obvious that it was intentional! You will find that a lot of people on here have them, that's because you can't use anything other then letters in a username, so no ' allowed. Do you not know that?

For the record, I think that a persons ability to spell perfectly all the time, has absolutely no bearing on any thread on here unless it is a thread about spelling! Anyone who points out spelling mistakes otherwise is usually only doing so because they don't have the intelligence or knowledge to properly discuss the subject of the thread or have no other way of winning an argument.