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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 09:20

I would broadly agree with Larry in that if you are just passing the time with someone, you can put up with various things about them you don't like because you know it's not forever, it's just a pleasant little interlude and in a year's time you won't have this problem in your life because you'll have ended it. But for now, you can put up with the negatives because the positives are still worth enjoying.

In this case, I can see 2 problems with that approach:

  1. is that the interlude is getting ever less pleasant as he gets ever more controlling

2 is that with someone who is this controlling, you may find it much more difficult to extricate yourself from the relationship when it's run its course for you. This man has demonstrated that he can't take no for an answer and that he doesn't think what you want actually matters all that much. Many control freaks feel utterly indignant and outraged, when the women they're with take steps to leave their control - they feel that they have no right to dump them and many women find themselves having to engineer a situation where the guy dumps them as they can then feel that they've controlled it and therefore it's acceptable and they can allow it to happen.

The less lucky ones, find that they aren't allowed to leave the relationship - a torrent of texts, phone calls, letters, stalking, facebook posts etc., follow an attempt to get rid. This man doesn't sound so reasonable that he will accept being dumped readily and the longer he stays with you, the stronger his property rights over you in his own mind will be and the less right you will have in his mind to leave him, so the more nasty, difficult and even possibly dangerous, it will get to leave him. Do it now, before you give him more power over you.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 09:23

Also I don't get why people are complaining that people are too quick to dump a relationship.

IMO and IME, people are too slow to dump relationships. They're so brainwashed into thinking that being in a relationship is the only real way to live, that even the most recent or crap relationship, is something they feel they have to work on. You've been with this guy for 5 minutes, not ten years - you haven't invested anything with him, at this stage of a relationship you shouldn't need to be thinking of "working on it". Being single is great, much better than having some random telling you what to do with your life.

ZombiePlan · 25/10/2011 09:23

It doesn't sound as though you like this guy very much. So why not dump him and meet someone that you do like? You don't need a reason to end a relationship other than not being happy in it. And you don't need his permission.

Agree about changing the locks. He's held your house keys, so he has had the opportunity to copy them. You have no idea whether he has done so or not, but it's much better to be overcautious about these things IMO.

larrygrylls · 25/10/2011 09:25

Woo,

I don't think it is ever that hard to end a relationship if you are determined to do it (ex real stalkers, whom I am assuming are few and far between).

Just tell someone clearly it is over and you want no more contact, then completely ignore them. People get into trouble by agreeing to silly things like "staying friends" or "talking things over".

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 09:25

One thing I would like to clarify with the OP is whether or not he is actually being jealous?

From the initial post he seems to be more concerned about picking her up and being at her house to make sure she's ok, then say, trying to find out who she is with and what she's doing.

He's not telling her she shouldn't go out, or who she should go out with, or whether or not she's allowed to go out without him, or even accusing her of cheating, rather he just wants to pick her up or meet her when she gets home.

My DH started doing similar things after a few months of dating (around the time he told me he loved me) and when I asked him about it, he told me it was because his mother was attacked, beaten and tied up and wasn't found for over 6 hours when he was a teenager, and since then he worries when the people he loves have to take cabs or are dealing with service people they don't know by themselves, so he has the need to assure himself that we are alright. He's by no means abusive or controlling, just a tad paranoid (and in my opinion justifiably after what happened to his Mum).

If I'd just walked away from the relationship because he was being "suffocating" I would have walked out on the most wonderful, caring, compassionate, funny and intelligent man I've ever met. Rather I talked to him and he agreed to tone it down, and I understood where he was coming from.

Also, I was in an abusive relationship once, and he didn't act anything like this. He wasn't controlling or stalkerish or anything like the OP's boyfriend, quite the opposite in fact. So assuming that all men that appear overprotective are abusers is a grave generalization.

Anyway. At the end of the day, if the OP isn't happy in the relationship, she should dump him. Not whine about it on a public forum.

larrygrylls · 25/10/2011 09:28

Woo,

Totally agree with your second point. If you are "working on" a relationship when you are still basically dating, it is time to call it a day immediately.

scotchmeg · 25/10/2011 09:29

What if you don't fancy wearing that skirt on that particular day?

scotchmeg · 25/10/2011 09:31

She's not "whining" she's looking for support because he's already started doing a number on her. Any one who thinks it's always easy to leave a controlling man is just plain naive.

pictish · 25/10/2011 09:41

I'm not seeing any 'whining' either.

MrBloomsNursery · 25/10/2011 09:48

Wow...weirdo alert!! Been with DH for 6 years, and not ONCE has he ever texted me or phoned me when I've been out with friends; even after we had our DD!! Get rid of him, he is a control freak, and I can see this controlling behaviour only getting worse. Get out now, before it's too late!

ionysis · 25/10/2011 09:51

Good point gypsycat - which is why i thought it was worth her trying to get to the motivation behind his behaviour and see if it is explicable rather than just ASSUMING he is some kind of abusive monster who will inevitabley end up tying her to the bed post.

The short skirt thing IS def Hmm though.

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 09:53

Ya I agree. The short skirt thing is a bit weird.

Georgimama · 25/10/2011 09:53

he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that

That's from the OP. Can anyone think of any good justification for a man saying that to his girlfriend/partner/wife? I can't.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 09:54

"Been with DH for 6 years, and not ONCE has he ever texted me or phoned me when I've been out with friends; even after we had our DD!! "

I think that is at LEAST as uncommon as a man texting all the time tbh. I have had a lot of relationships and have never been with someone who has NEVER texted or phoned when I've been out. My dad is the only man I know who wouldn't but that is because he has a phone which looks like a 1980s throwback which he still keeps next to his address book because he hasn't worked out how to programme the numbers in yet let alone text.

Georgimama · 25/10/2011 09:55

Seriously OP, there is no good reason to be in this relationship. Is this better than being alone? I doubt it. Get out now before you are financially intertwined or even dependent on him.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 09:55

Not even an "I miss you"? Thats quite sad actually.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 09:57

gypsycat you're ignoring the skirt thing.

Yes there may be mitigating circumstances for over protectiveness. There are no mitigating circumstances for over-riding your gf's wishes, however, or telling her what to wear. That's a massive red flag. This isn't just a worried/ anxious thing, along with his other behaviours, it adds up to a picture which isn't good at this stage.

Also Larry I agree with you, that if you are really determined, you can end a relationship. However, the point I'm making is tht the longer you are with someone of a stalkerish bent, the more likely he is to do the stalking gig when you end it because he feels he has more right to be in this relationship the longer it's gone on. That's why if you think you might be with someone who will turn out to be a bit of a stalker, you should end it sooner rather than later. Obviously there are exceptions and some men who are loons start stalking you after one date and most don't stalk you even after 10 years, but mostly, stalking comes from an attitude of entitlement and that entitlement that you have a right to have a relationship on your terms with this women, gets stronger the more familiar and long lasting the relationship is. So from the POV of minimising the likelihood of an extrication being difficult and unpleasant, the sooner the better.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 09:59

Just seen this (sorry about the diversion of thead but I did piss myself!):

^WhoseGotMyEyebrowsMon 24-Oct-11 16:48:47

gypsycat You are incredibly nieve (sp) and ignorant.^

LMAO! Would be handy to make sure you can spell (or at least look up the spelling) of the words in a sentence when calling someone ELSE "ignorant". I do love these forums!

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 09:59

There is nothing "sad" about your partner actually leaving you the fuck alone to get on with your night out with the girls

I don't text my husband when he is out either (unless it is to ask him to pick up some milk on the way home or summat)

ionysis · 25/10/2011 10:01

I like it when my husband sends me texts when I'm out saying stuff like "I miss you, hope you're having a good time" or "when are you going to be back - bed feels too big" etc.

larrygrylls · 25/10/2011 10:05

I don't mind the very odd text when I am out but would not send them myself. If you are living with someone and see them every day "I miss you" is rather pathetic. Surely an adult should not be missing someone after a few hours and enjoys some time alone.

Ephiny · 25/10/2011 10:05

I would be Hmm if DP texted me to say 'I miss you' when I was on a night out, and certainly wouldn't do that to him. What would the point be, except to try to make the other person feel bad about having a life of their own? Sounds needy and manipulative to me.

But then I'm not a fan of pointless or cutesy texts anyway, or phoning all the time 'just to see what you're up to', 'just wanted to hear your voice' etc, though I know some couples do this and it isn't necessarily a bad thing for them. It would annoy me though!

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:07

if my DH sent a text saying "I miss you" when I was on a night out, I would think he'd undergone a lobotomy whilst I was away

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 10:07

I particularly hate "I'm on the train" [hgrin]

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 10:08

Georgimama, you're missing the last bit "saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc"

Sorry, but I read that, as he's ok with her wearing it, just as long as he can pick her up. That seems more protective to me than controlling, but as I was not in the conversation and don't know his tone or demeanor and can't tell them from the way the OP wrote it, perhaps he was trying to stop her from wearing it.

And as I said woooopity, I was referring to the initial post when I made my comments, the skirt thing came later, and I agree, that's a bit odd.

Now my DH has a top he loves me to wear cause he thinks I look dead sexy in it (or at least I did before I was a 7 months pregnant whale) and whenever we go out he suggests I should wear it, but he's not crazy insistent that I wear it...