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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 16:34

Blimey :( I'm shocked and sorry to hear that! And very glad you got home okay.

What a bummer.

clam · 30/10/2011 16:37

What a shame! Sorry to hear that.
But for goodness' sake don't tell him what happened. He'll take it to mean that he was right and he should have been there to "protect" you!

Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 30/10/2011 16:40

I know Clam, couldn't believe it, the night played right into his hands. He even said he was concerned my drink would be spiked rendering me helpless. (it definitely wasn't him that did it)

OP posts:
Rollergirl1 · 30/10/2011 16:40

I agree, don't tell him you suspect that you might have been spiked otherwise he will see that as justification for his crazy behaviour.

Have you had contact with him today?

Sorry your night didn't go as planned.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 30/10/2011 16:43

oh no coffee that is a horrid thing to happen. Hope you feel better soon.

Did he not contact you all evening?

If you need to say anything just say you had a bug. After all youdont know for sure your drink was spiked - you could have picked up this sick bug doing the rounds.

Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 30/10/2011 16:49

He sent me a text before I went out saying he was sorry for everything and hoped I had a good night. Didn't text me at all whilst I was out but I must admit I was tempted to text him to come and pick me up when I felt at my worst.

He text me again this morning asking if I'd got home safely and did I have a good time (to which I replied that I had but naturally had a bit of a hangover so was still in bed) and then he text me about an hour ago saying he saw a photo of me on facebook and that my outfit was really nice. There is also a pic on there of me with another bloke (nothing dodgy, the guy is covered in fake blood and pretending to strangle me lol) and he said it was a funny pic and he loved the guys contact lenses!?

So I dunno, has he learnt the error of his ways or am I being an idiot again?

OP posts:
Jux · 30/10/2011 16:50

There's a bug doing the rounds here, definitely (had it last week). Concur that you shouldn't mention spiking to him; assume it's a bug as that is really the most likely option.

garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 16:55

I don't think he's learned anything except that he needs to proceed a bit more subtly, I'm afraid.

Honestly, if a femal friend had been giving you all this aggro over a simple night out, would you still be all cheery when they commented on your photos afterwards?

MumPotNoodle · 30/10/2011 16:56

STOP TEXTING HIM

garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 17:01

Winter Vomiting Bug - happens every year. Preferably not while you're out on the town.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 30/10/2011 17:01

Yes he's doing that thing of pretending to be reasonable. He realises he's played his hand too soon and he hasn't spent enough time grooming you to accept his control yet.

Honestly, what you should focus on, is all that happened before you went out. That is the real him. That was what he did, when he thought he was safe. Now he knows he's not, he's changing his behaviour.

When he thinks he's safe again, he will revert to what he is.

The very fact that he showed you what he is, should be enough for you. Don't get taken in by the revised him -he only came up with this persona, after you'd made it clear that the other one is currently unacceptable to you. If you continue to go out with him, he will get the message that all he needs to do, is work on you a bit harder for a bit longer. But eventually, he'll get there.

Just don't go there.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/10/2011 17:02

"I must admit I was tempted to text him to come and pick me up when I felt at my worst."
Noooo! That is what taxis are for.

"So I dunno, has he learnt the error of his ways or am I being an idiot again?"
Nobody learns the error of their ways that fast, so yes, you are being an idiot again. Sorry, but you did ask Wink. I fear he is trying to fool you into a false sense of security with him. By all means monitor his behaviour, but do not drop your guard. I still feel you would be best served by getting shot of him, CoffeeColdTurkey.

Incidentally, you've never actually said - what are his good points? What do you get out of this relationship?

Squitten · 30/10/2011 17:04

You really would be stupid to carry on seeing him after all that.

Why will you not just dump him properly already?

carernotasaint · 30/10/2011 17:04

Im with the consensus on this Do NOT tell him you think your drink was spiked. He will play the "i told you so" card and use it against you. Im sorry that you are unwell because some knob possibly spiked you. Like the others said just say it was a bug which is also possible.
And i also think hes just trying to be more subtle so be careful.

garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 17:09

Actually, OP, what reasons are there for NOT dumping him?
Is he filthy rich, owns a Versace store and an incredible shag??

Not even the above would make it worth justifying your every move, penny and clothing choice ...
... or ...

Are you desperate for a boyfriend?

[hconfused]

ArtVandelay · 30/10/2011 17:11

Seriously? You think he's changed in one day?

I think that if you believe that then maybe you are a bit mad too. Sorry, but why do you even consider it? You sound like a nice woman with plenty of friends and a decent life - why are you getting sucked in?

I hope you feel better soon and this is just the feeling poorly talking :)

iffysquiffy · 30/10/2011 17:12

"and then he text me about an hour ago saying he saw a photo of me on facebook and that my outfit was really nice. There is also a pic on there of me with another bloke (nothing dodgy, the guy is covered in fake blood and pretending to strangle me lol) and he said it was a funny pic and he loved the guys contact lenses!?".

He is actually stalking you already get rid quick.

MumPotNoodle · 30/10/2011 17:16

BLOCK HIM ON FACEBOOK (agree he is stalking).

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/10/2011 17:18

Did you actually finish with him OP or are you still going out with him?

fluffythevampirestabber · 30/10/2011 17:18

He is stalking you.

You really really need to get rid of him. Block his number. Delete and block on FB.

And dump him properly once and for all

Taxi, one way, to the far side of fuck

exoticfruits · 30/10/2011 17:26

Yes you are being an idiot-get rid of him. He has discovered that he has to go a little slower and be more reasonable for the time being but he will not have changed. Why do you need him? Find someone without control issues.

Proudnscary · 30/10/2011 17:32

Look OP I hope you are okay, but I really, really give up.

You are clearly going to take him back. The very fact you thought of phoning him last night rather than a friend or a taxi, knowing he would have used this as proof that he was right to 'protect' you...I despair.

There's something odd about your post about last night, can't put my finger on it.

PosiesOfPoison · 30/10/2011 17:34

You're am idiot.

scruffybird · 30/10/2011 17:34

Ok going against the grain a little here and playing devils advocate. Its Not good that you have photos of some random man with his arm around you and none of you and your boyfriend. That suggest that you don't want everyone to know he exists. Also he probably feels he s loosing you as you have started going on a lot of girls Nights out.

AbbyAbsinthe · 30/10/2011 17:41

I agree completely with Proudnscary

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