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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
garlicBreathZombie · 28/10/2011 23:21

What SGB said.

Also I want to take issue with "If you're in immediate danger" or "If you feel threatened" call 999. You should call 999 before you're in immediate danger or being threatened. Could be too late afterwards.

I called 999 when a man stood outside my window, exposing himself. Why? Because it was obvious he'd chosen/targeted me, and that was weird enough to make it an emergency. Turned out it was Kirk Reid.

The man in this thread is acting far outside the bounds of normality and I reckon he's already worthy of a harassment complaint - non-emergency. It deserves to be logged, and the text exchanges tell the story. If he turns up in person anywhere near the OP, I'd rate it a 999 call and let the police decide if immediate intervention is necessary.

BertieBotts · 29/10/2011 00:01

"Are you ignoring me? :(" texts = slight red flag, maybe amber? It's certainly needy - especially if he knew you were at work. I'd probably expect or send an "Are you ignoring me?" text after a few days of non-contact with a person who usually responded quickly, not hours. I'd just assume the person had a problem with their phone, had left it at home, forgotten to charge it, out of credit, was busy, etc. And maybe try a facebook message or something. The sadface is a bit passive aggressive too.

Not flaming - just arming you with info for next time Wink

Make sure you tell your friends about what an idiot he is in case he does turn up outside the club!

garlicBreathZombie · 29/10/2011 00:27

gypsycat, I've just got to point this out. The behaviour you described in your DH is weird. As it happens, it was his only weird behaviour and he had an excuse for it, which you found acceptable. His weirdness did not constrain your choices and you decided you can live with it - this one, solitary weirdness.

Your story in no way compares with the other men described in this thread.

I am sure all weird, controlling nutjobs have reasons from their past that 'caused' their behaviour. Rose West had plenty! But the convolutions of their minds are not our problem. Our problem is deciding whether their ishoos are likely to threaten our freedoms or happiness. In the case of OP's knicker-obsessed STBX, the answer is undoubtedly yes. She's having to defend: where she goes, whom she sees, how long she stays, what she spends, what she wears and her underwear fgs. She's also expected to explain if she doesn't instantly respond to every message from him and wear what he tells her to when out with him.

Tell the truth - does he remind you of your DH?

Jux · 29/10/2011 00:30

I would arrange to stay the night with a friend, for two reasons; 1) then even if he does turn up outside the club it will be easier for you to stick to your resolve not to let him control you, and 2) you will be able to carry on having fun until even later. Oh, and don't tell him.

Whatever you do, I hope you have a great night out.

limitedperiodonly · 29/10/2011 00:30

Totally agree with SGB and Garlic.

Once you tell harassers to leave you alone the police must act.

Garlic is right about callng 999 asap instead of waiting.

IME the police told me to do this and gently scolded me for not doing it earlier.

Wittering about whether the police care about the sex of the abuser and the abused wastes time. It insults the officers who want to act and excuses those who don't.

Just call the police and see what they do.

ps I still think being menaced by a man trumps everything and I'd be on the phone like a shot.

Rollon2012 · 29/10/2011 00:45

keep us updated OP he really is odd, good advice on here.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 29/10/2011 01:54

Oh and before anyone starts - if you interpret a gesture (made to you) as loverly and romantic, fair enough. If you like the bloke, it maybe is romantic. But even something like leaving a box of chocolates and a rose on the doorstep, while it's gorgeous when it's from the bloke you like and fancy and want to date, it's scary and revolting when it's from the bloke you told to fuck off and wouldn't dream of going out with. And if you've already told a bloke to fuck off, the fact that actual flowers and actual chocolates won't hurt you is irrelevant - it's still harassment.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 29/10/2011 07:17

Have read all of the thread and I feel that he is a complete nutter and the relationship needs to end. Also - even if he did "change" (which he isn't going to do long-term), you would forever be on edge waiting for the next incident and that is not a basis for a healthy relationship.

Get out whilst you can with your self esteem, confidence and friendships with others intact - as that will be his next target

ZombiePlan · 29/10/2011 08:36

Agree with SBG's last post - it's all about the context.

Proudnscary · 29/10/2011 10:09

Completely agree with SGVB.

I am Confused that anyone on here has actually responded to the underwear/skirt thing - it's totally irrelevant. It's just about control and, in this case, the control is extreme and 100% emotionally abusive.

I feel sick/stifled just reading your posts OP.

DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. DO NOT RESPOND TO HIS TEXT OR CALLS OR VISITS. AND GET REAL LIFE SUPPORT AND BACK UP.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 29/10/2011 11:36

Hope you enjoy your night out tonight OP with your friends and I hope that he doesnt spoil it for you or your friends.

RandomMess · 29/10/2011 11:43

Hope you're okay coffee and that you have some great RL friends to look out for you.

MorelliOrRanger · 29/10/2011 12:56

Jeez, what an eejut he is. What gives him the right to tell you what to where and who's going to pick you up, you're only dating for goodness sake.

I'd change where you are going out as well and either change your phone or not take it with you. - I hope you have a good time OP.

clam · 29/10/2011 13:49

Please come back tomorrow and let us know if he turned up how your evening went.

carernotasaint · 29/10/2011 16:11

Yes enjoy your night out with your mates and what clam said.

Jux · 29/10/2011 17:31

Go commando! Grin (or tell him you did, when he asks, which he will. Then burst out laughing and tell him he's being a dick and if he carries on next time you bloody well will.)

LadyMaryCrawley · 29/10/2011 17:45

He sounds needy and insecure. It also sounds like he thinks you being with him is the most important bit about you being with him, because he's needy and insecure and needs to hang on to you ever so tight or you might run away. So I would run away if I were you. Hope you have a lovely night out with your friends OP.

clam · 29/10/2011 18:09

Reckon coffee's trowelling on the slap right now, with music blaring!

Enjoy!

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty · 30/10/2011 10:33

Just wondering how your night out went last night? Hope it went ok and he didn't cause any trouble.

LydiaWickham · 30/10/2011 12:44

Yes coffee, how did it go?

Sandalwood · 30/10/2011 13:30

Also peeping in to make sure he stayed away last last.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 30/10/2011 15:55

ok, you have had an extra hours sleep (hopefully) and have had long enough to sleep off a hangover, so come on, dish the details of the night out.

Did you have fun? Did the eejit stay away?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/10/2011 16:02

Also hoping OP had a great time with friends.

Rollergirl1 · 30/10/2011 16:31

Hope OP is suffering from a hangover after an uneventful night out last night ratehr than having to deal with the fall-out from knobhead boyfriend.

Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 30/10/2011 16:31

Thanks for the concern everyone. Not good news I'm afraid - night started off well, was having a great time and then I suddenly started feeling really, really ill. Ended up throwing up violently and can't remember a thing past a certain point. Was home in bed by 10.30pm :( Suspect my drink was spiked. Typical isn't it?

He did stay away though but I didn't have a good night after all. Was throwing up right into this morning and still feel really queasy.

OP posts: