For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

[CoffeeColdTurkey]

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie ) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

update, please!!!

How's things going OP? Out of interest how long have you been seeing him?

I think this is going to be one of 'those threads' where we never find out what happens.

OP I hope you have ditched him.

She posted last night! She's probably at work or something.

OP i hope you come on and update us after the party too. I still have the feeling hes going to turn up outside the party and "surprise" you. Hope he doesnt though.

Hes also moaning about how you spend your money. And that you havent got any to spend on a meal out. Hmmm made me think this.
I bet hes the type to insist on splitting everything down the middle if you were to live together even if you were on a lower wage than him.
Hes showing signs of financial abuse as well if hes commenting and moaning about how you spend your money.

Ok please don't shout at me (I'm a little scared of anyfucker and the like!) but I was stupid, weak and a little pathetic. I allowed him to talk me around. He told me he'd seen how unreasonable he was being, that he realised he was pushing me away and that he was just having a bad time etc etc blah blah - bottom line is - I decided to give him yet another chance.

So one day went by hunky dory.

YESTERDAY - lots of texts throughout the day, nonsense texts which - when at work I just didn't have time to respond to. He started sending the "you're ignoring me? :( " texts. I replied saying I was at work. He responded with "ah ok, I'll speak to you later! x" all ok there? or should I have seen some kind of red flag in this?

So last night, I was just about to get into the bath and I get the following texts:

him - "why are there no photos of me and you on your facebook page?"
me - "cos I didn't put any on"
him - "I've just been looking through your pictures and it's like I don't exist on there, you have loads of pictures of you with other people - even a photo of you with another blokes arm around you (old school friend I bumped into in a nightclub, he was the DJ and announced to everyone that he had to play Bon Jovi as I'd arrived, it was funny)" yet none of me, your boyfriend".
me - "oh for fucks sake, what IS up with you lately? Go get a hobby"
him - "sorry, just bored so was going through facebook, thinking about these things too much hehe :) speak to you later xxx"

So I'm lying in the bath at this point thinking "nah, got to get rid."

Later, I'm on facebook. He sends me the following messages:

him "Oh what WILL you look like on Saturday night! hehe can't wait to see the pics!!"
me - "hmm if we take any, I'm not planning to document the night on facebook."
him - "No course not :)"

At this point, madness takes over me and I log out of facebook and into HIS facebook (guessed the password ages ago). I read his private messages (so shoot me) and he was harrassing his work colleagues about where they were going on saturday night and suggesting that they go to the nightclub I'm going to - obviously trying to arrange a suprise appearance like some of you suggested!!"

I go back on my facebook:

him: "what underwear are you wearing on Saturday night?"
me: "wtf? I don't plan my underwear 2 days ahead"
him: "not a thong or g-string I hope"
me: "Ill wear whatever I want!"
him: "well something decent when you're wearing such a short skirt, please?"
me: "I'm not a slut, I know how to dress"
him: "ok"

............................ long silence

him: "so, what underwear ARE you wearing?"

By this point you're probably thinking "nah she's making this up now"

I'm not.

I'm such a bloody fool. I just went offline last night but intend to tell him today for good it's over. So Will probably be back on here later for another bollocking

dont be scared OP. And no bollocking from me, you tried again and have realised that he is still going to try to control what you do/say/wear/see. It is really up to you to decide if you want to be in a relationship like that or not.

Oh...my.....God!

He is obsessed! Ditch. Now.

Good luck.

No bollocking from me either OP. I mean...who is actually going to dump someone on the say so of a website full of strangers? I knew he would tell you he was sorry and talk you round, and I knew you'd respond to that in his favour. Not because you're a walkover, but because you know him and we do not.

Anyway....you've done what may have construed as the right thing regarding this relationship now and given him a last chance. Now you can know for certain that the advice you have had here is good advice, and he has GOT TO GO!

NOW is the time to ditch him....you don't need any more evidence of his controlling nature, and we have said all there is to say on the subject here too.

What a nightmare he is. Poor you. Get rid.

You are not stupid.

You are just a normal woman who is trying to respond with reason, kindness and rational behaviour to someone who is not amenable to reason, kindness and rational behaviour. It's not your fault that he is a nutter, it's not your fault, that you went from the starting point of giving him the benefit of the doubt, that is a perfectly normal response to abnormality like his, because our culture tells us that this sort of abnormality is romantic and also tells us that we should give abusive men, chance after chance after chance, until they are actually controlling us. And then it says: "God, why didn't she leave him before it got to that stage? What a stupid woman!"

So don't beat yourself up about it - you haven't behaved stupidly, you've just behaved as if he is a normal man, which is a reasonable starting point - women shouldn't have to assume that every man they meet, is an abuser. You've clocked him now, keep him at arm's length, arrange for someone to come home with you so you're not alone tomorrow night and just tell him that you no longer want any contact with him as yes, he's right, he's driven you away and you want your space back. If he doesn't respect that, then you can tell him that you'll tell the police, but most abusive men like this don't need the police involved, once they realise you're not going to countenance them anymore, they give up and start looking for their next victim.

Have a good day!

No bollocking at all but you never answered the question a lot of us posed about what you are getting out of this relationship other than hassle?

He sounds obsessively jealous. He clearly has all these scenarios of you having sex with other men on your night out. But, do you care? Do you want the stress of persuading him you don't intend to be unfaithful? And I think you know you should not have said "I'm not a slut, I know what to wear" because that is engaging with him in having some say over what is none of his business.

You know you need to dump him in a "no further contact" kind of way. That is not the kind of person you can remain friends with and exchange the odd friendly text or e mail. And I think you also know that you will breathe huge sigh of relief when he is finally definitively out of your life.

He is worrying about your underwear??
Why didn't you just tell him at that point, in no uncertain terms, that you want nothing more to do with him?
He is clearly obsessed with what you do or don't wear. And he is trying to stalk you when you go out with your mates. He said he could see he was being unreasonable but he is carrying on doing it regardless.

Ditch him today. He clearly hasn't taken in a word of what you have told him so far, so ring him instead of texting and tell him, in simple words with no beating around the bush "I don't want to go out with you anymore, this relationship is over"

Then block him on facebook so he can't harrass you online. And change your venue for your night out on Saturday - go to a different club so he can't stalk you.

Stop putting up with this shit. There is no point giving him another chance if he doesn't actually stop behaving like a dick. I think he really doesn't see that this is wrong and thinks it is ok for him to be controlling you like this. If he can't understand that it is wrong and thinks it is normal, he won't change.

I hope you do ditch him for good today. Once you've done it, go totally no contact with him. Don't ring, don't answer his calls or texts, don't communicate with him online (block emails and facebook from him). change your phone number if necessary. If he is arranging to stalk you on a night out then he is likely to be a real pain once you dump him.

Whining about you ignoring his texts while at work?
Whining that there are no phtos of you together on Facebook?
Making a point about that bloody skirt again and again and again....demanding to know about your underwear??!!
Talking his collegues round so he can spy on you??

Come on now OP. He's a stalker - you need to be a walker.

He's certainly persistent, isn't he? I think you gave some good firm responses to his texts - but that he is still banging on about it indicates that he's not going to go quietly. They should have done the trick, but they haven't, so I don't think he's going to be trainable.

What did you mean by having allowed him to talk you round? You mean to not ditch him, or to let him pick you up?

Just dump him end of, what gave you got to loose

To not ditch him Clam. I'm insistant that he doesn't pick me up. Even if he's waiting outside the club on saturday night I'll be flagging down a taxi.

Thanks for remaining calm and patient with me, I was expecting a huge flaming

Can I just point out that this bloody skirt is NOT a mini skirt? It's about 3/4 down the thigh!! the way he goes on you'd think it was one of those "belt/skirt" type things.

He sees no need to respect your wishes. He only cares about himself, and having you play the part he has written for you.
He doesn't want a partner, he wants to call the shots and be the centre of your universe always. Even when you are at work.

I wouldn't bollock you-it is so easily done. Just don't weaken-whatever the sob story. He is a nightmare and not one that you want in your life.

it doesn't matter if you are wearing a burka or going out in your bra and knickers. It's up to you, not him. You do not need to justify your choice of skirt. You can wear a belt type skirt if you want to. The length of it is totally irrelevant. Next it will be your heels are too high or your top is too tight or low cut. Do not let a man dictate your wardrobe. Do not feel that you have to justify what you choose to wear to him, or to us, or anyone else.

Honestly, when you ditch him your life will be much nicer without all this pointless drama he is creating for you. Imagine being able to plan a night out with your mates without it creating a week of hassle! That is what your next night out will be like once you have got rid of this weirdo.

No flaming from me either, I know these sorts of men can be very manipulative and persistent.

It is possible to get rid of them though! You don't want to go on like this indefinitely, do you? There are men out there who are normal and nice and fun to be with, who'll be happy to see you going out and having a good time with your friends, who'll want to treat you to dinner if you can't afford it, who have lives and interests of their own and aren't obsessed with controlling every tiny detail of your behaviour and dress (even your underwear now, wtf?)

I agree with others that this sounds like it'll have to be a no further contact breakup. Tell him politely but firmly that it's not working for you and the relationship is over. No discussions or negotiations about it. Delete/block him from your Facebook, don't respond to harassment by text or phone, if he's got a key to your house it might be worth getting the locks changed just in case.

It's not going to get any better

It's going to get worse. But at least you see clearly what a maniac he is: I'm afraid there is a strong chance you are going to have to involve the police to make him fuck off. As for tomorrow night, tell all your mates that you have dumped this man because he is a nutjob, and that if he turns up they are all at liberty to tell him to fuck off.

Like the others have said it is NOT going to get any better, you have told him quite clearly to stop being stalkerish and he is still behaving like one.

In almost 15 years of marriage my DH has NEVER questioned my underwear on a night out - length/type of dress or skirt and doesnt bug me with texts the whole time I am out. And I often stay over at friends if on a night out as we live inthe sticks. Or I can be in another country entirely!

You need to have a long hard look at this type of relationship, it really isnt healthy. Now that wasnt a bollocking, just a gentle reminder that he is not for you.