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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 27/10/2011 08:57

Def not normal, def plenty of warning signs. On the other hand people are going way OTT suggesting calling the police. He is still in the relationship until he is decisively binned and is allowed to text etc. If he persists after he is told decisively "no interest, no more contact", then some of the above suggestions may apply.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 27/10/2011 09:02

I wish I had been as strong as you OP. I saw the warning signs and ignored/thought it would get better/made excuses/thought I could "help him"/believed him when he said it was because he'd been cheated on in the past (turned out that was all in his head) etc. I really wish I'd been like you.

I hate the way he makes it sound as though if you go out showing a bit of leg or have a drink that you won't be able to control yourself and will have sex with someone else. Next he will be saying that it's not you he doesn't trust it's other men . . . I hate it when they say that, as though the woman get's no say in it if a man chooses to have sex with her. That one makes me boil.

pictish · 27/10/2011 09:09

I certainly wouldn't call the police either (what for??) - but I would firmly tell him that interest in persuing the relationship is now nil, owing to his intensity.

He will most likely tell you that it's just because he's really into you and cares, but he will be lying...even to himself. It's because he feels entitled to call the shots and have your world revolve around him.
His complaint about you not having enough money to dine out on Friday with him, but enough money to go out on your prearranged night out on Saturday with your friends, as being evidence of him being bottom of your pile says it ALL.
He fully expects to emotionally blackmail you into prioritising him, no matter what. He's a bunny boiler.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 27/10/2011 09:13

He's most definately one of those guys who will emotional blackmail you into cutting everyone else out of your life.

larrygrylls · 27/10/2011 09:14

The one about money amuses me. What a charmer! How about "I would love to buy you a nice dinner".

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 27/10/2011 09:44

Excellent work on the texting you're reducing his avenues of communication (and therefore potential to be a controlly twat), but like others have said probably worth just making sure a friend comes home with you after the club.

Better safe than sorry and if the worry is misplaced, it doesn't matter. If it's not misplaced you'll be safe.

pictish · 27/10/2011 09:48

Exactly Larry

It's not "Let me take you out for dinner on Friday" it's "I want your attention, give it to me, or I will make you feel guilty about going out on Saturday. My wants are more important than anything you might have arranged"

larrygrylls · 27/10/2011 10:03

It does make me wonder about whether having sex in all relationships and, especially, super early is the ideal way to behave. It does seem to be a distorting lens for many (most?) people.

Here are 100s of people who can see clearly that this guy is not "catch of the day" and yet the OP needs to have an internal debate for days or weeks. Would that have happened if they were merely holding hands and kissing or going out for the odd meal together?

Wooooooooooooooppity · 27/10/2011 10:47

I think it's because for many men, having penetrative sex with a woman = ownership rights, entitlement.

larrygrylls · 27/10/2011 10:50

Woopity,

I obviously totally disagree with that thesis (for the vast majority of men). However, even if I accepted it for the sake of argument, the problem here is with a woman "consenting to be owned". She should have to told him to F*ck off the moment he told her where he was or was not staying or commented on what clothes she could or could not wear.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 10:58

Larry, it's less about having had sex with a man (and plenty of nice men do not feel that they own a woman just because she's had some mutually enjoyable consensual sex with them) and more about the lingering cultural idea that once a man has decided he wants a woman, she is his and should be glad about it - that women await being chosen by a man and have no choice themselves.

larrygrylls · 27/10/2011 11:04

SGVB,

I have read that kind of argument a lot on MN but it just does not fit the profile of any of my friends, male or female. Who defines themselves by a lingering cultural idea when looking for a partner or relationship? And I know of both men and women who have hung around in unhappy sexual relationships for far longer than they should.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 27/10/2011 11:06

But women are surrounded by messages that say they should give men a chance when they first display signs of potential abusive behaviour.

This thread is quite unusual in that there are very few people saying the OP should give the guy the benefit of the doubt; but most threads are full of people saying: "you're over-reacting... don't listen to these people telling you to bin him, they're just man-haters... maybe he has had a bad experience which makes him sensitive and you just need to talk to him" etc.

Women can hardly be blamed that they don't bin men who display a potential red flag the first time, when they are surrounded by messages which tell them that to do so, is to be an hysterical man-hating overreacting loon.

garlicBreathZombie · 27/10/2011 11:07

Was just about to write what SGB did!
If a woman tells her friends "I'm a bit worried, he gets narky about what I wear when I go out", they are still more likely to ask "What were you wearing?" than go "That's none of his business! Hope you dumped his controlling arse!"
If she says "He insists on picking me up," they're still likely to say they wish their partners were that considerate, instead of confirming he should respect her wishes.

Until women stop expecting themselves and each other to make allowances for domineering behaviour in men, twats will continue to act like they own women.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 27/10/2011 11:09

And also, both women and men are given the message that they should at least try to get to the bottom of why there's unreasonable or maddish behaviour, in order to pursue the holy grail of a relay-shun-ship.

Even where it a relationship is really very minor (like this one) because it is not long-standing and there are no children, property, finances entangled in it, both sexes are urged to work on it rather than be single.

garlicBreathZombie · 27/10/2011 11:09

x-post x2 :)

loveglove · 27/10/2011 11:10

Had one fella who tried this kind of behaviour - binned him and didn't look back :) Best of luck Coffee lets hope he stays gone.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 27/10/2011 11:11

Of course no one defines themselves by a cultural idea, out of date or not.

Doesn't mean we're not influenced by them though, however much we kid ourselves we're immune from all the cultural messages around us.

larrygrylls · 27/10/2011 11:13

Woopity,

But are they? Look at this thread versus others where there are shared finances and children. Is anyone suggesting she work at it or stay with him? Maybe one or two. And I really don't think this is such an exceptional sample of people.

I also think (some) women love the romance of an overenthusiastic man early in a relationship (luckily, not the OP) rather than being inately suspicious of it. Then, later on they find themselves in a controlling relationship. It may be true of some men too but maybe less so.

BertieBotts · 27/10/2011 11:22

Because it's unconscious thinking rather than a thought pattern which follows the exact line of what SGB said.

BertieBotts · 27/10/2011 11:24

I'd disagree, larry. I think MN is a fairly exceptional sample of people. Most people do seem to think relationships should be worked at and that any breakup is a terrible thing and should be avoided.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 27/10/2011 12:33

Of course some women love the over enthusiastic romance at the beginning. Because they're conditioned into believing it's a good sign, not a bad one. Romantic, not stalker. Those pesky cultural messages again,

HerScaryness · 27/10/2011 12:49

I agree that in many cases, working at a relationship IS advised, but in a controlling/abusive situation, there really isn't any point in working at it.

If there are kids involved, it's essential the relationship ends as soon as possible actually, as they are damaged for every second (even pre birth) that they are in that situation.

MorrisZapp · 27/10/2011 13:26

God, how I wish I'd had MN to turn to when I was a young thing. It makes such sense in black and white yet you just tell yourself it's normal, it's because he cares etc.

OP, this is a privilege. You are so lucky to get this advice - the old farts like me had to date idiots without benefit of any objective advice.

Take it.

Sandalwood · 27/10/2011 13:38

So true MorrisZapp.