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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
garlicBreathZombie · 26/10/2011 21:11

Oh dear, Coffee. He's not the full shilling, is he?

Your slutty, revealing zombie outfit comprised of an office-style shirt 'n' skirt combo did make me laugh out loud! But it's not that funny when you think about it.

You evidently can't be trusted not to shag hordes of slavering men while covered in fright make-up ... or while wearing normal work clothes, let alone the two together Shock. He's bonkers. Insane. Loopier than a bag of fruit loops in a crochet haversack from Loopyland. Mad as a sack of wet weasels. He feels you should devote every second (and penny) of your life to him??!!?? Jesus.

He hasn't got keys to yours, has he?

pictish · 26/10/2011 21:12

Please tell he has no keys!

LydiaWickham · 26/10/2011 21:14

Well done. He gets to control his life, not yours.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 26/10/2011 21:15

LOL, he really is a piece of work isn't he?

Can't we just compromise and do what I want?

Well done you - come back and let us know if he backs down. We'll help you analyse whether a backing down is a tactic when he realises he's pushed it too far, or whether he actually "gets" that his behaviour is beyond the pale.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/10/2011 21:16

Good grief he really just doesn't get it, does he CoffeeColdTurkey? Even after all that, he's still "Can't I just pick you up?" He is behaving as if he considers you to be his property, not a person in your own right. When he talks about knowing you got home safe, he really means is got home alone Hmm. When he moans about being bottom of the pile, he is more like the cuckoo in the nest, throwing out the other chicks when the parents aren't looking - trying to be the ONLY one in the pile!

I do think you would be better off without him, he sounds only too happy to isolate you from everyone else so that you can give all your attention and time to him, him, him! And even when you tell him the problem, you have to presumably be quite persistent ( "He eventually agreed to just drop it" the word I focused on was 'eventually') but at the first opportunity he's chiselling away at your resolve again.

He is not going to change. He is controlling. He is determined that you be controlled by him. Be endlessly persistent with "I don't think it's working out.". Be a broken record. You will be better off without him.

AbbyAbsinthe · 26/10/2011 21:16

Have you had a reply yet?

pigletmania · 26/10/2011 21:16

Good on you coffee there are plenty of fish in the sea, he does not sound good at all. Run for the hills!

clam · 26/10/2011 22:05

The next even weirder thing will be when coffee leaves the club/pub and notices his car parked nearby...

chipmonkey · 26/10/2011 22:05

Agree with WhereYouLeftIt but would modify it to "It didn't work out"
As in the past tense.

exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 22:14

Well done coffee! If he does come back, all pathetic, don't back track -you really don't need him.

Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 26/10/2011 22:16

Still no reply but must admit, the thought of his car being outside the club on Saturday night when I leave did cross my mind.

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 26/10/2011 22:18

Honestly, send him one more text message: 'Actually, I've thought it over. You're dumped. Do not ever contact me again or I will involve the police.'
Because he is going to get worse and probably fairly quickly. If you go on your night out, you will either find him on the doorstep when you return or (unless you change the locks) he will be in your bed. Either weeping, or armed.
Please bear in mind that you are a better human being than him and he really doesn't matter, you owe him nothing.

chipmonkey · 26/10/2011 22:19

My Mum had a friend whose boyfriend was always waiting for her, after work, after she went out, always watching her. He ended up beating her up very badly and sadly their ds1 ended up beating her up too.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/10/2011 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 22:23

I think you will find him weeping-just a method of control-don't fall for it.

carernotasaint · 26/10/2011 22:27

Its great that you have told him you wont stand for it Coffee. I was brought up by an Italian mother who believes that a mans needs should come first. So right from the get go i was careful about who i dated knowing that if i ever dated a bossy controlling man they could end up colluding. In the old Italian culture the man makes all the decisions but when it turns out to be a bad decision theres usually some way of laying the blame at the womans door. I had some a couple of bad experiences with Italian men as a young girl which ive talked about in another thread and i knew from a young age that i would NEVER have a relationship with one.
Culture is NO excuse for being bossy or controlling or abusive.
Coffee please stand your ground and dont put up with this shit.

PosiesOfPoison · 26/10/2011 23:12

Plan for a friend to come back with you Saturday night.

Can I ask, and you aren't obliged to answer, are you in Bristol?

BustersOfDoom · 26/10/2011 23:27

I'm with everybody else. Dump the twat. He's controlling at worst and pathetically needy at best if you're being very generous. Life is far too short to waste on changing your life to accommodate someone else's unreasonable expectations. And his expectations ARE unreasonable. Totally. This is not normal behaviour by any stretch of the imagination and as others have said will only get worse until you comply with his ridiculous standards and your life is not your own any more.

You don't need to concern yourself with why he is like this. You've told him you're not comfortable with his behaviour and he's ignored it and carried on with his attempts to control you. Tell him to sling his hook and don't look back.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 26/10/2011 23:34

Yes I think Posie's idea is a good one. Get someone else to come back with you.

Squitten · 26/10/2011 23:38

Good for you OP!

I would also be a bit creeped out TBH. Does he have keys to your house? If so, I really would get the locks changed and don't be on your own this weekend.

Better safe than sorry and whatnot...

limitedperiodonly · 26/10/2011 23:45

Well done.

Make a statement to the police of your concerns and change the locks asap. Get a friend round or stay with someone if you feel it's necessary.

Then, if you want to send a text, I suggest it should be neutral and direct. 'I have decided to end it. Please do not contact me again. I have spoken to the police about this matter. Goodbye.'

Make sure the police know what you're doing and that you're aware of the proposed Clare's Law being bandied around by the Home Office. It won't get off the ground but your local police will be sensitive at being seen to be fucking about like Greater Manchester Police did.

Please do it. Take care.

runningwilde · 27/10/2011 06:40

I fear you won't end this relationship

exoticfruits · 27/10/2011 07:37

You don't need to concern yourself with why he is like this. You've told him you're not comfortable with his behaviour and he's ignored it and carried on with his attempts to control you. Tell him to sling his hook and don't look back.

That is it in a nutshell.

pictish · 27/10/2011 08:41

And just to add another

You don't need to concern yourself with why he is like this. You've told him you're not comfortable with his behaviour and he's ignored it and carried on with his attempts to control you. Tell him to sling his hook and don't look back

That's all there is to it. You have expressed clearly that you don't need or want picked up on your nights out....and rather than accept this and respect your wishes, he barely draws breath before persisting in having his way....and then calls it 'compromise'.

Not normal, not tolerable and not your problem.

HerScaryness · 27/10/2011 08:56

Coffee, what others said is spot on.

Please end your involvement with this guy. You have to write him off, he'll never give up his attempts to control you, he'll just find more subtle ways to achieve his goal.

Please don't think, oh that wouldn't happen to me, I'm strong, I can handle him.

You can't, no-one can. the only way you can stop being controlled by him is to BIN HIM.

Everytime your heart softens and you feel sorry for him, remind yourself of this, he will be nice, he will turn on the charm, he may cry, get emotional, or/and get nasty.

WHEN he does, disengage and come post it here. You can use it to remind yourself what he will do to dominate and control you.

The ONLY option you have is to bin him, if you stay with him, he will destroy your life, your friendships, your social network and your self-esteem.

You get rid of him now, you won't need therapy, the Freedom Programme, DV support, you won't need to call WA for help and support. All these places are fantastic, but better if you live a life where you never need them. Take it from me.

(((hugs))))