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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 26/10/2011 12:02

'Ah of course! Women's aid, how could I forget - we should all have them on speed dial in case our husbands forget to take the bins out and we need emergency evacuation from the abusive home.'

Ionysis, do you enjoy trivialising domestic violence?

Many of the women posting on here have been in abusive relationships with controlling men. They see behavioral patterns they recognise. Others are saying it isn't normal.

And your DH has progressed from calling you all the time when you're out with friends? To sending pictures of him and your child saying, 'We miss you! Come home soon.' He's definitely become more subtle 'romantic' .

PosiesOfPoison · 26/10/2011 12:04

ionysis. Are you frightened of allowing these women to admit abuse because you cannot? If you admit what they're going through is abuse you're going to have to deal with the fact that your own husband is controlling.

Gosh I miss dittany. I think she would ask you to really examine your own motives here.

exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 12:15

The advice on the other thread was ditch him. The advice here is ditch him. I would do it-today.

limitedperiodonly · 26/10/2011 12:26

I agree with most of the others. Get rid, OP.

The only thing I'd add is something raised by either gypsycat or ionysis or both. Sorry, I don't remember which.

You think this man may feel justified in being insecure because might have been cheated on in the past.

You do realise that infidelity is sometimes a fantasy by the jealous partner? They constantly look for 'clues' and always jump to the conclusion that fits their fantasy.

No amount of reassurance, short of constantly being at their side, will convince them of this. Being with them all the time doesn't work either because they go on to accuse their partner of looking at other people or dressing or behaving in ways to attract attention.

Luckily this has never happened to me. It happened to DH in his first marriage.

Her insistence at being in near-constant contact and accusations of affairs with women and with men physically exhausted him, destroyed his confidence and damaged his career because he wasn't allowed to meet anyone through work. He says male colleagues dismissed him as a henpecked wimp. Not fair, but you can't stop people thinking that when they don't understand.

He says he was faithful but they split when he discovered she'd was having an affair with a colleague of hers. Afterwards he found out she'd had two others.

He thinks that a lot of jealous people are cheaters either in reality or their thoughts. They accuse their innocent partners of cheating because they can't imagine that other people aren't like them.

Of course, it might all be a twisted fantasy of his, but after 20 years of perfectly normal behaviour I believe him.

limitedperiodonly · 26/10/2011 12:35

Oh and DH destroys your theory that people who've been cheated on in the past may be justified in being jealous in future.

He's never accused me of an affair. He encourages me to keep contact with friends and he never sends needy texts when I'm with them.

pictish · 26/10/2011 12:38

If my dh sent a text saying "the bed feels too big without you" when I was out, or a pic of him and kids saying "we miss you", my skin would crawl.

I can't ever imagine sending him such a text.

To some it's romantic, to me it's cloying.

pictish · 26/10/2011 12:42

If he did it once ever I would think it was cute.
I cannot imaginbe anyone doing this as a 'thing'. Blerk!

SolidGoldVampireBat · 26/10/2011 12:50

I am not, actually, sure that this is the same OP as the other thread. There's a bit of a difference in tone IMO. And unfortunately men like this are pretty common. As are women who have been socialised to believe that it's romantic for a man to be possessive and controlling.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 26/10/2011 12:53

God that's depressing SGVB.

exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 13:06

If he has been cheated on in the past and is insecure this is his problem-no need to take it on.

AnyPhantomFucker · 26/10/2011 13:10

I would not give one tiny shit if he had been cheated on in the past

blonderedhead · 26/10/2011 13:11

Reading the OP sounds exactly like listening to my mum when she embarked on her last relationship. Alarm bells went off but she thought it was quite sweet and caring. Months and months later, following complete estrangement from her son and other daughter, threats, violence, calls to her work telling them she was an incompetent bitch, she finally saw sense. Her self-esteem and confidence have never in my opinion recovered. Please, please do it sooner than her.

ArtVandelay · 26/10/2011 13:25

After I had DS and I started going out again, my DH started to do the text messages thing "Hi! Are you having fun?" "Are you all drunk yet?" and I had to tell him not to, even though it was pretty low grade interference it was still spoiling my nights out. I felt like he was trying to monitor what was going on.

His last long term partner didn't go out much and his mother is completely under his Dads thumb and has never been out alone in her life to anything. I think he was unsure what it meant that his wife likes going out on the lash with women friends a couple of times a month. When he asked me did I miss him, I just said no! I was really blunt. He doesn't do it anymore.

I think its a fairly common problem, this kind of thinking, so you have to state your views bluntly and not allow yourself to be manipulated. Don't allow someone to emotionally blackmail you into doing what they want you to.

The OPs boyfriend doesn't sound like he is listening to her or will change so she should get rid.

BertieBotts · 26/10/2011 13:37

That was the one I was thinking of too, littlemisssarcastic. Unfortunately I think it's fairly likely that the two OPs are different people. Abusive men do seem to stick to similar scripts - it's unnerving.

hardcolin · 26/10/2011 13:42

Crikey, DH and I have been together nearly 20 years. He likes to 'look after me'.

OP, what you have here isn't concern. It isn't love either.
It's (his) insecurity and it's all about control.

Sometimes we don't see what's really happening until we look from the outside in. Good for you for having some suspicions

My advice would be to get out. Get out all the way.

Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 26/10/2011 20:56

Thanks for the advice and replies. Update:

He eventually agreed to just drop it and stop insisting on picking me up. He also dropped the skirt issue. I was just starting to think I'd give him another chance and then he text me saying he was fed up and wanted to out for dinner on friday. I said I couldn't really afford it so he replied "yet you can afford to go out saturday night, I'm always bottom of the pile with you." Hmm I explained that I had to save some money to spend with my friends and I could just spend every penny I had on going out with him. Again he seemed to drop the subject and said he was just feeling low.

Fast forward to this afternoon I recieve the following text:

"Look, can't we just come to a compromise about Saturday night? It's really stressing me out. Can't I just pick you up? that way I at least know you got home safe. How do you think it makes me feel you going out dressed like that and drinking?"

Shock wtf??? can I just clarify here that I'm NOT wearing anything slutty. I'm going out dressed as a zombie for christ's sake. His issue is that the skirt is "short" (mid way down the thigh, not slutty short!")

So I basically text back telling him he's doing my head in and being controlling and I've had enough. He replies:

"But you're spending practically all night with them! you could at least let me pick you up!"

I'll cut to the chase, I told him I'm an adult and won't be treated like a child any longer. I suggested he make some friends, get a hobby etc so that his entire world does not simply focus on me. I also told him I don't think it's working out. No reply yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 26/10/2011 20:58

Oh and apparently I'm dressing in a "revealing top" - which is laughably a plain white blouse that I actually bought for work last year - yes, really slutty. Hmm

OP posts:
Onemorning · 26/10/2011 21:02

Good for you for Coffee.

KatAndKit · 26/10/2011 21:02

Good on you. You gave him a chance to be reasonable but he is still trying to control you and you have told him you won't be putting up with it. Stand your ground and make sure you follow through and don't give in to any of his bollocks for an easy life.

If I go out with my friends on the odd weekend my boyfriend doesn't get stressed out. He finds something else to do instead. That is normal behaviour. Telling you what you ought to be wearing and making you feel like you are being slutty is also ridiculous.

I'm afraid to say that it doesn't sound like he has really taken on board what you have said to him as he is making exactly the same demands as he was before. I reckon you will end up having to dump him but in my opinion that is no bad thing.

congrats again for showing him that you won't be controlled by him.

Xales · 26/10/2011 21:05

LOL

So his idea of a compromise is that you do exactly what he wants and let him pick you up as he originally wanted.

Oh and he still feels he has some say about what you wear and your drinking?

If you were staying at your friends over night you would be staying with them all night what is wrong with that?

chipmonkey · 26/10/2011 21:06

Coffee, get out of this now. He will only get worse and where exactly can the relationship go? You can't think of moving in with him with your dc's, that would be disastrous for you and them. The only time a bloke should start dictating what time you come in and what clothes you wear are if you're under 18 and you call him Dad!

pictish · 26/10/2011 21:07

Jesus.
Good for you btw - I'm shuddering at those texts.

Xales · 26/10/2011 21:08

X posts.

So now it is not that he is worried that you will be at risk because you are wearing a short skirt and drinking and he wants to protect you

but..........

That you are dressing slutty and spending time with other people but him.

Nice guy.

ArtVandelay · 26/10/2011 21:10

Well done Coffee :)

While I'm sure he has some pleasant attributes (otherwise you wouldn't have dated him) he is actually very emotionally blackmailing (i'm really stressed, I'm feeling low etc.) and the fact that he will not give up is a big red flag.

Sorry that he has turned out this way. Plenty more pebbles on the beach :)

PosiesOfPoison · 26/10/2011 21:10

I little bot of me lights up when I read posts like yours OP. Smile