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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have just realised that I have been sexual assaulted many times

518 replies

PippiLongBottom · 23/10/2011 22:37

I had extremely large breasts as a young teen. I was a 30DD at 13 and my size 8 hour glass figure was very popular with the boys Hmm.

At 19 I had my breasts reduced on the NHS because my head was fucked.

It is only with many years of hindsight (I am 36) thanks to Mumsnet and a recently developed feminist perspective that I realise that all the 'incidents' that happened to me were sexual assaults/grooming and not my fault.

I have fb'd one of the cuntslprits tonight.

OP posts:
wherearemysocks · 24/10/2011 00:23

Its pretty awful that this has become so side tracked by squables between a few posters, and as hatesponge said there are far too many of us who really knew what she was talking about, having been there ourselves, just from the first post.

Pipi I'm sorry that you had this to deal with, and to such an extreme, it really is shit and so hard to deal with as a child and its good that you seem to be getting an understanding of it now. Its probably only once I got to my 30's that I really felt strong/confident enough to really make a stand if someone did that to me, although for me its only ever been in a bar or nightclub not just walking down the street or at work. At least physically anyway, the verbal comments that some people just think its okay to bandy around are still shocking. I've had someone blatently stare at my breast and make a lewd comment whilst I was serving them behind a bar with his wife standing next to him and she just laughed!

I understand too about how you can block these things out, I had quite a serious assault happen to me, where my flatmates partner came into my room during the night and I woke up to find him trying to kiss me and with his hand in my knickers. I just pushed him away and kicked him out, and luckily he did leave but I blocked that out for years, and it was only when I heard that he had died that I remembered it.

I've never told anyone about it, I'm still good friends with his xp and close to his son so obviously I wouldn't want to upset them and there would be no point really as he is not here anymore so its not like he could be held accountable.

Its terrible that your own mother has let you down so much though when you have been looking for support from her. Maybe she is just in denial as she doesn't know how to deal with it herself? I hope so.

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 00:24

I fear for her, I was & am a very attractive woman

Grin beauty is in the eye of the beholder and vanity is not an attractive trait

Mumcentreplus · 24/10/2011 00:26

a complement should be accepted gracefully...but a complement is just that..the acknowledgement of something special.. physical or otherwise and to make a child or woman feel she cannot accept one without contempt or suspicion is damaging

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 24/10/2011 00:26

Thanks socks, yes it is becuase she has no idea what to do/say/or that this actually happens. Shewas a virgin on her wedding night (to my dad) and is very shy, non confrontational and essentially a typical housewife with limited experience of thw world. She didn't meean to be shite Grin. It won;t be happening to my fucking DD though.

OP posts:
spiderslegs · 24/10/2011 00:27

Squeaky cleary now I am now ravaged & buggered.

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 00:28

Why would any child feel uncomfortable with being told she is beautiful, unless she has been taught that way ... sorry but I find that quite sad and a shame that a child is not able to accept a compliment in a natural way.

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 24/10/2011 00:28

Being buggered is a whole different thread, spiders.

OP posts:
Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 24/10/2011 00:29

Sorry spiders, my Wink didn't work.

OP posts:
onefatcat · 24/10/2011 00:31

I really don't believe any 3 or 6 year old gets that many comments from MEN about her beauty any more than she gets from WOMEN. All beautiful children attract comment, we appreciate asthetics amongst our species- may beautiful children grow to be quite plain...and vice versa...

spiderslegs · 24/10/2011 00:33

Squeky - how you feel?

spiderslegs · 24/10/2011 00:33

Grrrrr

onefatcat · 24/10/2011 00:33

Sorry- meant to say MANY not MAY- I was not wishing plainness on any child (despite thier mother seeming to wish for it...)

Feminine · 24/10/2011 00:34

Spider...Confused

I might be judged as beautiful too ...by some (if I am their taste I guess?)

You have a really funny concern IMO.

I am always grateful for compliments , for me or any of my 3 children!

But...you are very pretty

spiderslegs · 24/10/2011 00:35

Fine.

Fine.

As you will.

AgentZigzag · 24/10/2011 00:36

The way you're talking about it lovecat, saying your DD is uncomfortable and that the other person is getting some kind of gratification from the situation, makes such an innocent interaction seem so sinister.

The person isn't getting 'in the childs face', they're going down to their level so not towering over them.

My DD2 hides behind my legs when I chat to people, but it's because it's a safe place until she's sure of the situation, not because she's uncomfortable because of the power games going on when my neighbour tells her how lovely her hair is (and it is lovely).

ComradeJing · 24/10/2011 00:37

Pippi :(

I am/was a similar size to you and found men, even now, happy to comment on my breasts in a way that is quite upsetting and insulting.

I don't know what support I can offer but my thoughts are with you.

Some of the other posters really need to be ashamed of themselves here.

AgentZigzag · 24/10/2011 00:39

I've never looked at your piccys spiders, and I concur with Feminine, you and Mr Spides make a hansome couple to be sure Grin

I also harvest compliments aimed at my DDs for my old age.

Mumcentreplus · 24/10/2011 00:39

I agree fatcat lovin the name...people love 'cute,pretty,handsome,funny,smart'...it's in our nature...to encourage a child to feel this is a hindrance does not help

Mumcentreplus · 24/10/2011 00:42

when men are happy to comment on your breasts... you should be happy to shame them...

swallowedAfly · 24/10/2011 01:22

it is utterly bizarre that a few people have used this thread as a place to have a go at women, feminists, mothers etc. is 'support' difficult for some people?

swallowedAfly · 24/10/2011 01:23

i'm thinking some of the more recent comments come from people who have never experienced unwanted attention.

differentnameforthis · 24/10/2011 01:59

Wow... a woman comes on, posts that she has just realised that many incidents in her past were sexual assaults & she gets

30DD isn't that big
Well it's hard to say YABU or YANBU without knowing what the 'incidents' were
You really need to post what your grievances are, before getting shirty about somebody questioning you over them

I don't often get mad over what I read here, but that is fucking outrageous! Does it matter what is was? The op is coming to terms with previous sexual assaults & posters have to criticize her interpretation of big breasts & make her share what happened to her! What a fucking joke.

differentnameforthis · 24/10/2011 02:18

chicletteeth

If you read the ops posts, she says that when she told her parents in the restaurant, they dismissed it. They didn't believe her, and more recently they told her that he didn't do it! How is a child (as she was at the time) supposed to recognise what is right & what is wrong when the adults around her dismiss her & don't believe her?

They told her she wasn't sexually assaulted, HER OWN PARENTS said it didn't happen! After that, perhaps the op subconsciously labelled it as something else. Because let's face it, if your own parents deny it happened, that might just cloud your judgement a little & make you think it was normal!

Re the resteraunt: They didn't believe me and told me to stop making a fuss type of thing. I mentioned it to my mum the other week when it first came back to me. She still tried to brush it off "no he didn't" etc

windsorTides · 24/10/2011 02:26

The same posters turn up on these threads all the time and try to doubt the OP, making several nasty remarks about feminism while they do so.

OP it's good that you have put the blame for what happened to you, where it is merited. That's such an important first step and the ones that follow will not be as difficult.

You might find it helpful to talk this over with a therapist who is trained in helping survivors of sexual trauma.

I am very sorry about what happened to you and commend your bravery for reaching the conclusions you have and for seeking help.

AgentZigzag · 24/10/2011 02:30

Don't be daft differentname, nobody made the OP do anything.

She was free to post/not post whatever she wanted to.