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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have just realised that I have been sexual assaulted many times

518 replies

PippiLongBottom · 23/10/2011 22:37

I had extremely large breasts as a young teen. I was a 30DD at 13 and my size 8 hour glass figure was very popular with the boys Hmm.

At 19 I had my breasts reduced on the NHS because my head was fucked.

It is only with many years of hindsight (I am 36) thanks to Mumsnet and a recently developed feminist perspective that I realise that all the 'incidents' that happened to me were sexual assaults/grooming and not my fault.

I have fb'd one of the cuntslprits tonight.

OP posts:
Ilikedrinkingblood · 24/10/2011 00:04

Spiderslegs, you need to get a grip. Not every man is a threat and there is nothing sinister in saying a child is beautiful. While as women it would be preferable to be acknowledged for our other virtues from time to time, people are just complimenting you and your child.

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 00:04

Bluddy, it's ok

get it deleted if you wish

but it's your right to say what you feel, and to describe your experience any way you wish

if you feel the need to get it off your chest, give Rape Crisis a ring

they will talk it through with you

many people who call them say "I don't believe I was raped, but..."

or come over to the Relationships board for some old-fashioned support and empathy x

worraliberty · 24/10/2011 00:05

It's not about being believed for goodness sake (this is like talking to a 3yr old) it's about getting behind the OP's perspective in order to answer the question Am I being unreasonable

No-one actually knows if the OP is being unreasonable to have suddenly realised at the age of 36 that she was sexually assaulted many times unless they can know if she was assaulted many times.

Still "My name is Worra...I'm a feminist. AIBU to think black is actually white"?

A feminist you say Worra?

YANBU

YANBU

YANBU

YANBU

So very helpful...thanks, glad I asked.

Ilikedrinkingblood · 24/10/2011 00:07

Promiscuity is often due to low self-esteem/needing attention. The attention you were getting was awful but you didn't know that at the time. That doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make what happened to you any more justifiable. It is not your fault that this happened. You were a child ffs. They took advantage and treated you very, very badly.

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 00:08

no wonder many people don't report sexual assult, when even a public fourm questions the OP

I think that is a bit unfair to be honest. As I said previously, OP could have considered having her bra strap being pulled as a sexual assault. There was no detail in her op, which did imply that she herself hadnt realised she had been assaulted, and was questioning if it was or was not assault.

Surely with that sort of question, posters are not being insensitive to ask for more detail in order to form an opinion.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 24/10/2011 00:08

But they can know she was assaulted many times worra.

Because she told them.

LeBOOOf · 24/10/2011 00:08

Perhaps this has gone too far to be salvaged, but is there any chance we can stop the barneying and actually offer some support here? Or will that be too difficult?

blackeyedsusan · 24/10/2011 00:09

it would not be unusual to make a jokey/lighthrearted or off hand mention of assault, because it is painful and there is the risk that you will be ridiculed/disbelieved/minimised. if so you have not invested a lot of yourself in the telling and can move on.

AgentZigzag · 24/10/2011 00:09

I took worras comment to be pretty objective 'Well it's hard to say YABU or YANBU without knowing what the 'incidents' were to be fair.'

No lighthearted mention of any judgy pants or disbelief, so maybe a bit of emotion is being injected when posters are talking about it being judgmental.

I totally agree that even the 'smallest' abuse is significant and should never be brushed off, but I understood the purpose of the OP to be a discussion about how normalised this kind of behaviour still is.

How can you have a discussion about such an important subject though whilst ignoring what's taken place?

I wondered what kind of incidents the OP was talking about too, and not because I was looking for a perv fest.

MN is all about asking questions, someone was bound to ask at some point.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 24/10/2011 00:10

Still waiting for your explanation of why pointing out that the legal system is rigged in favour of rapists, is evidence of man-hating Squeaky.

onefatcat · 24/10/2011 00:12

I agree with ILDB- it sounds like you had very low self esteem which prevented you from resisting assault, and not recognising it as such, maybe you mistook unwanted attention as flattery and these men took advantage of that? Anyway, I don't blame you for getting this thread deleted, nobody has been much help, they are mostly arguing amongst themselves about their feminist ideals.

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 00:12

Because I dont believe that our legal system is "rigged". I believe it is flawed, in many areas. But not "rigged" particularly against women.

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 24/10/2011 00:13

Yes, AgentZigzag, Ithink that was what my original point was. I wanted to highlight how normalised this is without posting it on the 'unzipped' trigger thread.

Maybe far more issues have arisen from it. I am fine, it was a long time ago. Nothing terrible will happen from contacting one of the knobheads that did stuff to me apart from hopefully buck his ideas up when bringing to females into this world.

OP posts:
lovecat · 24/10/2011 00:14

worra, your post of 23.55 is really, really low even by your standards.

Spider, I have the same issue with DD, she's 6 and men are constantly telling her she's beautiful, calling her princess, getting in her face and saying 'hello gorgeous' to her and then getting mildly arsey (with me as well as her!) when she won't reply and hides herself against my legs to avoid the unwanted attention.

Why the hell should we condition our children to accept male (or indeed female) attention focused entirely on their looks as being something good? Are we not just setting them up to be accomodating and compliant, not wanting to rock the boat by saying 'no, actually, you make me feel uncomfortable', which is the sort of behaviour that leads to posts like the OP where she felt that what she went through was normal and she wasn't able to complain?

Sorry, it's late and that wasn't phrased well. But how dare you, worra, try and imply that Spiders is somehow damaging her child? Angry

Wooooooooooooooppity · 24/10/2011 00:15

And er, the man-hating claim?

How do you come to the conclusion that the quote you chose, demonstrates man-hating?

worraliberty · 24/10/2011 00:16

Thank you ZigZag it's refreshing to know some people on this thread can actually read and understand without getting all hysterical Smile

I might start a thread on the feminist board saying "I've just realised after 10 years of marriage that my Husband is actually a man! Shock

Then settle back and count the cries of "Leave the bastard" Grin

OP, sorry your thread went this way. I wish you luck in the future and hope you can get through all this Smile

LeBOOOf · 24/10/2011 00:16

Onefatcat, I think you need to look again at who is trying to offer support here. But I don't want to get into an argument- it's pretty crass on a thread like this. Night all- Pippi, I hope you are able to talk this through eventually, even if this isn't the thread, and that it helps.

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 00:17

god almighty.. since when has it been a crime to tell someone that their child is beautiful, or to tell the child themselves....

Hmm
Wooooooooooooooppity · 24/10/2011 00:18

Why don't you try it worraliberty.

See if anyone wants to play

Hmm
worraliberty · 24/10/2011 00:19

Low for christ sake lovecat because a MAN has had the audacity to compliment the woman's 3yr old daughter???

I'm sorry but that's fucked up....really fucked up.

Seriously would you feel better if men were to be seen and not heard to pass a normal innocent compliment about how lovely a little child is?

I'm definitely leaving this thread now

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 00:19

WL your own "agenda" is far more potentially-concerning than anyone else's here

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 24/10/2011 00:19

I realise that AIBU inevitably ends in a fall out but why this thread FFS? Isn't this one time when we can all be 'in this together' .

I'm going to bed now. Thanks for all your contributions.

OP posts:
lovecat · 24/10/2011 00:21

Hmm back atcha squeaky

If it makes my DD uncomfortable, then she shouldn't have to put up with it, nor should she be expected to just to make someone else feel better about themselves. I might tell another mother that their child is beautiful, I would not get in the child's face and tell them directly that they were beautiful.

Now fuck off.

AgentZigzag · 24/10/2011 00:21

Are you saying nobody should compliment a beautiful child because it'd lead to the child putting too much store by their looks lovecat?

If you are, I would take that opinion as being a crock of shite.

If the DC's gorgeous (and they mostly are) then I'm not hanging back on saying it to the mum for fear of damaging the child Grin

Do you also see cooing at babies in prams as a breach of their human rights?

spiderslegs · 24/10/2011 00:21

Worra - no, no, sorry, I think you may have misconstued.

I fear for her, I was & am a very attractive woman, my daughter is three & very, very beautiful, ridiculously beautiful, men look at me, then her & make the most ridiculous comments.