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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have just realised that I have been sexual assaulted many times

518 replies

PippiLongBottom · 23/10/2011 22:37

I had extremely large breasts as a young teen. I was a 30DD at 13 and my size 8 hour glass figure was very popular with the boys Hmm.

At 19 I had my breasts reduced on the NHS because my head was fucked.

It is only with many years of hindsight (I am 36) thanks to Mumsnet and a recently developed feminist perspective that I realise that all the 'incidents' that happened to me were sexual assaults/grooming and not my fault.

I have fb'd one of the cuntslprits tonight.

OP posts:
MsWeatherwax · 24/10/2011 05:57

onefatcat the cause of abuse is an abuser, not something wrong in the victim.

OP, you're not alone and I think this is more common than people realise. For those of you being disbelieving and judgy about the OP, think on a bit. If you have daughters and have brought them up to be polite and look to others for clues, and only complain when things are serious. And if you'd like this to happen to them.

This happened to me as a teen, only once as far as I remember. At school, and my 'friend' was sat next to me watching thinking it was hysterical/brilliant that boys liked me and wanted to grab my breasts. Of course I didn't tell anyone. I had been bullied in various ways my entire school life and no person in authority had given a crap because they saw it as toughening you up (many of the teachers at our school were also bullies). The boy who did it bullied me when we were at playgroup, while my mum was giving him and his mum a lift. All his mum said was 'oh don't hit msweatherwax that's mean' weakly and ignored him. Bullies and abusers are responsible because no-one stops them and tells them they are wrong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2011 06:37

OP... I was with you until this bit of your post: ... but I wanted a cross section of the boards opinions and the traffic etc and maybe (really secretly) I wanted one of those twatty male posters to come on so he could be shot down in flames.

You are not a child anymore, there are better ways of dealing with your anger than posting your hurt to the men who hurt you on bloody facebook.

Why do you want male posters to come on this thread to be shot down in flames? That's really quite ridiculous. Level your anger where it's deserved, not by starting an inflammatory thread.

I know a lot of women who had breast reduction surgery at a young age. I was 15 myself. It was quite traumatic really and I wasn't old enough to cope with it. I used to get grabbed very often, even when I was out with my mum, in broad daylight. It didn't really stop after the surgery either. I wish I'd had counselling to deal with it before the surgery. Maybe counselling would be an option for you?

This isn't the right board for this thread but there seem to be quite a few posters who decide to use it for the 'traffic'. Well, why? Surely 'support traffic' is more readily available on other boards than AIBU?

AF... I get where Worra was coming from. There are a lot of posters who bandwagon-jump and I don't see that she was being insensitive or nosey.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 24/10/2011 06:41

OP, how old are you? I had a few quite serious incidents happen to me up to the age of 19 (no I don't need to explain them) and only much later (30s) was I secure and confident in myself to realise that these boys/men were WRONG.

It's a hard realisation.

Shocked you have been treated harshly on this thread. Some people just like to think of themselves as the robustly debating voice of reason and can't do simple kindness (I say this a lot on MN recently)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2011 06:41

Also agree with Elladee's post about it being uncomfortable to put a 'label' to these events. I certainly found it easier when I was young to put it down to 'boys/men being stupid' than to think of it as assault. I suspect there are a lot of women that do the same... it makes it easier to come to terms with if it's 'downplayed' somehow. :(

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 24/10/2011 06:42

I just realized you said you are 36, sorry

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 24/10/2011 06:43

I must add, to the people who said 'that's not that big'..

Is there no level you won't stoop to to have a good argument on here?

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 24/10/2011 06:45

Also, IMO, posting to the man on facebook is fine, it's a "safe" way to make him account for his actions and get some closure.

PosiesOfPoison · 24/10/2011 06:52

It all starts with the first ping of a bra strap, doesn't it? Even that is some sort of invasion of a very embarrassing part of growing up. I was called 'tits ten' when I was ten because I had to wear a bra. Fortunately early doesn't mean massive. But I think schools need to be very very hard on sexual/body bullying from a very young age. No excuses. If schools stood firm against bullies the girls would think that it's not nothing.

Whatmeworry · 24/10/2011 07:34

Had a friend who had a breast reduction, made a huge difference to the amount of unwanted attention she had, but I don't think her experience was anything like as bad as yours OP (which is why I think it was reasonable for others to ask you) so I hope things got better afterwards.

Did people's reaction to you change that btw?

I'm not sure chasing people on FB is a good idea, some of them won't take it lying down.

Wooooooooooooooppity · 24/10/2011 08:49

Yes the ping of the bra strap where we're told it's no big deal and we just have to grin and bear it. I'd like to know why girls in their formative years, when they are just coming to terms with the changes in their own bodies, should have to grin and bear this sort of harassment. If girls were going around wedgie-ing boys on a regular basis and cupping their hands in their crotch areas mockingly, I don't think the boys would be told to ignore it, I think the girls doing that would get detention and a lecture about not invading other people's personal space and boundaries and an appalled challenge about why they feel the need to try and humiliate and belittle another child in their class like that and haven't they learned about personal boundaries.

PosiesOfPoison · 24/10/2011 08:53

Incidentally I don't think that the connection between the boy who created my nickname and his father who had an extensive illegal porn collection is negligible. This boy had watched porn long before he was a teen. I remember going to a party at his house and being unable to go to the toilet, at 11, because they were all looking under the door. (an inch or two gap)

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/10/2011 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flippinada · 24/10/2011 08:57

Pippi,

I'm really sorry all of that happened to you and also at the bloody stupid and ignorant responses you've had from some on this thread.

Just want to offer a message of support.

flippinada · 24/10/2011 09:03

And yes, the 'not that big' comment is fucking ridiculous. FFS Angry.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 24/10/2011 09:03

onefatcat is not renowned for their sensitivity

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/10/2011 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 24/10/2011 09:10

Morning all. Thanks for your comments. The bra strap pinging started in 3rd year juniors when I started wearing a bra.

I have just thought of another one: Me running in sports day aged 14/15 wearing a bra, cropped top, t shirt and sweatshirt to minimise visible movement. The boys lining alongside the perimeter of the track singing 'oops up'. That's lovely and confidence building isn't it.

I left school after 5th year and am currently at uni planning my future career as a teacher. If i can help just one girl not to go through that shit at school, I'll be happy. I want to teach English but also Citizenship/PHSE for these very reasons.

OP posts:
hatesponge · 24/10/2011 09:14

Posies, you've reminded me. At my secondary school I hated using the toilets - they had clear glass windows about 7ft off the ground - immediately outside was a lower flat roof and boys would constantly climb up onto it to look through the windows at us Angry I assumed at the time this was normal but it really isn't is it?

ellisbell · 24/10/2011 09:23

PippiLongBottom there are a number of teenage boys who post on this site pretending to be women. I haven't read this thread so don't know if some of the offensive posters here are teenage boys, just thought I'd point out it's possible.

Most women undergo some sort of sexual assault, that doesn't make it any more acceptable. Girls should be taught to shout NO and perhaps YOU PERVERT or YOU CREEP from a young age. My brother showed me how to knee someone in the balls.......

AyeDunnoReally · 24/10/2011 09:27

Girls should be issued with tasers on their 10th birthday. Or perhaps, boys could be taught to not sexually assault and verbally mock and abuse girls and women.

Sorry that they did those things to you, Pippi. Hope you find some peace soon.

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 24/10/2011 09:27

Pippi, I'm sorry for what happened to you.

I'm also sorry that some people are so determined to have you post your experiences. It is not their place to ask. When you talk about it, and why, is completely up to you.

It is also no one's place to validate how you feel about what happened to you, nor why you've just realised that what happened was sexual assault.

YANBU. For anything.

What I say here goes for everyone. It is no one's place to ask a sexual assault survivor "what happened". It is no one's place to ask a sexual assault survivor why they've only just realised what happened to them. And it is certainly no one's place to tell a sexual assault survivor how they should feel, react or act with regards to the sexual assault. A survivor may feel able to talk about the assault one day, and the next, will decide that they never want to talk about it again.

It may take some people a nanosecond to realise they've been sexually assaulted. It may take others a lifetime. It is no ones place to ask why.

{support and solidarity to those who've shared their stories}

BupcakesandHaunting · 24/10/2011 09:28

I only managed to get to page 5 before needing to post this sorry...

OP YANBU. I was date-raped when I was a teenager. I realised what had happened a few weeks later. I confided in my two best friends. What a mistake. They held a cross-examination in one of their bathrooms and decided that I wasn't to be believed because I didn't behave in the "right" way when it happened i.e no screaming/fighting him off. Lots of things happened in my peer group then that amounted to bullying, because they didn't believe me. I doubted myself for years. Now I can say that it DID happen and it wasn't MY fault. I hope that my two former friends, armed with the knowledge that we have of date rape now, are ashamed of how they treated me. They let me down massively and I have found that that makes me more angry than what was done to my body.

I hope that you find some closure to this.

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 24/10/2011 09:32

I'm sorry to hear that Bupcakes, that is indeed truly shit. Sad

OP posts:
PosiesOfPoison · 24/10/2011 09:34

I feel a mumsnet campaign coming on.

We need to be teaching our boys and girls that things are a 'big deal' that we have rights to our own bodies and for them NOT to be discussed/teased/assaulted by anyone else.

I would like to see PSA curriculum deal with this.

When I first met my FIL we went to a bar, he nudged my, now, DH and said "you don't get many of those to the pound" I was stunned on so many levels that's wrong. With parents like that no wonder boys grow up with a sense of entitlement that if the woman has the audacity to have large breasts (I do not) then she's fair game for comments. Page three and all that crap gives us the idea that breasts are public property.

PosiesOfPoison · 24/10/2011 09:36

Pippi. I hope you make it as a teacher, I hope you climb to the top and make a new curriculum! Don't stop at one girl, you could reach them all!!!