AIBU to have just realised that I have been sexual assaulted many times

[PippiLongBottom]

I had extremely large breasts as a young teen. I was a 30DD at 13 and my size 8 hour glass figure was very popular with the boys .

At 19 I had my breasts reduced on the NHS because my head was fucked.

It is only with many years of hindsight (I am 36) thanks to Mumsnet and a recently developed feminist perspective that I realise that all the 'incidents' that happened to me were sexual assaults/grooming and not my fault.

I have fb'd one of the cuntslprits tonight.

I think you're right Ella about at 13 not being mature enough to process what's happening. I certainly didn't realise until my 20s that those people shouldn't act that way. And the OP has reached this conclusion now, years later.

But I do still believe that people on the thread had innocent and genuine reasons for asking for clarification and in no way meant to put the OP on trial or make her feel that her assaults were any less serious than they were! (ever the optimist!) :)

"And jeremy yes that was the most worrying because it potentially affects a little girl growing up with unnecessary fears - and this will affect her quality of life."

Still more worrying than the incidents of sexual abuse and rape?

Its hard to explain yourself sometimes here, sorry. Worrrying yes because it can (and Im not saying it will - of course) cause problems when that little girl grows up, I see a lot of so called vicious circles. Of course the incidents of sexual assualt/rape are horrible, but sadly maybe I just hear about it so often Im just keen to stop the mental health implications from developing in the first place if that makes sense. I don't work with abusers, I only see the victims (of both sexes).

I would love interventions to target abusive behaviour and for it all to be successful, but sadly I think it would be very naive to think that abuse will ever cease to exist.

Perhaps, Squeakyfreakytoy, they were responding to comments like 'that's not that big' about the OP's breast size.

MNP

To your first question - Yes

Did I report it - No.

i used the phrase 'not all men are rapists' in response to the suggestion that women who have previously abusive relationships should be taught how to avoid getting in a subsequent abusive relationship.

i used to put the point across that we cannot expect women to eye all men with the same suspicion until they have proved themselves 'worthy'

*We need to be teaching our boys that this kind of behaviour is NOT the norm, isn't boys just being one of the boys, nor funny or to be encouraged.

By "we" I mean society, but while the media continues to show young women / girls as objects, excuses will always be made.
*

Exactly!

Why do some women stay in abusive marriages while some get out? This must be down to the woman surely? Self esteem?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Perhaps, Squeakyfreakytoy, they were responding to comments like 'that's not that big' about the OP's breast size.

Yes, perhaps you are right there, and I agree, flippant comments like that were not only ignorant and unhelpful, but unnecessary.

As to your last question, my answers would be yes, and no :( ....

I think that most of us will have Squeaky

It is great when individual girls and women learn that they are entitled to respectful treatment, but it doesn't really help their younger sisters coming into adolescence. There's always more inexperienced teenagers for arseholes to focus on instead.

These days, I know that it isn't rude and over-reacting of me to tell a guy to stop pressing his crotch against my bottom, for example. That's great for me. But there is always going to be a constant supply of teens who don't know that yet. Shouldn't we target the behaviour of the groping bastards?

So duckdodgers, i take it you counsel adult survivors of childhood abuse?
And you find incidents of childhood sexual abuse and rape LESS sad and worrying (your words) than a woman, one woman, who said she hates men complimenting her 3 yo?

Quite honestly, that is shocking.

mwahahaha I didnt say what you have quoted but I'm unsure what your reaction is about?

Its not a question of "blaming" the woman but in a lot of cases women do stay in abusive relationships because of self-esteem issues sadly. As well as a lot of other reasons to of course.

I'm agreeing with all of Squeaky's points.

Also, regarding the 'that's not that big' comment... I actually read it in a different way, considering that OP was upset about large bust size and by a poster saying 'that's not that big', I took it as a more comforting, "Don't worry, I've seen bigger, you're not a freak" kind of comment. It is amazing how fast some leapt (and bandwagon-jumped) to "competitive bust sizes".

This is a discussion thread. I personally find my teeth itching when I hear "Sorry that this happened to you" as a stock response to everything. It's said so often that it's just white noise to me and I think it's pretty meaningless.

There have been some really valid comments (IMO) on this thread; there's nothing at all wrong with protecting those you love by reminding them of the cretins, suggesting that they take a little care even though they are absolutely not at fault in any way if they are assaulted/raped. Awareness of self and personal responsibility is a wonderful thing to teach.

I also HATE the "sexy" hen night trend. Don't kid me that women enjoy dressing in cheapo bits of polyester and glitter and getting letched at by sub-standard men. I'm sure that some will come on here to tell me that I Am Wrong but if they look deep enough, they know that they only think that they enjoy it

Un-fucking-believable

If that was a man posting that a woman 'knows she only thinks she enjoys something'....there would be fucking uproar!

It's things like that, that make me sad. Some women are utter mind control freaks towards other women...yet they'd be the first to shout down a man for trying to tell women what they do/don't think in their own minds

There was a thread about someone's friend. The woman had gone to meet her new DP and his friends in a pub. They threw a lot of double entendre at her, and when her DP went to the bar, one of his friends hugged her and unzipped her strapless dress.

No I really dont think you get me. I hear horrible stop of rape and sexual assault day in and day out. Nothing I can do in my work will ever stop that happening - I feel powerless to stop it because I am. But I am not powerless to help women come to terms with what has happened to them. And I am not powerless to help these women help their own children grow up mentally healthy.

And it wasnt just because 1 woman said she didn't like men complimenting her 3 year odd - it as the implications behind this because she said it was "sick" - and its not sick its normal! - and what else this may mean for the child.

squeakyfreakytoy Mon 24-Oct-11 11:54:53 said, "Schools have the platform to educate both sexes in what is inappropriate behavior. If girls are taught from an early age that they do not have to accept lewd comments from boys, and boys are taught that it is insulting to make those lewd comments, then we have made some progress."

Yes, but it will only make a difference within a wider context of socialising boys not to respect girls and women as full human beings and holding men account for violating other humans' boundaries.

No one is suggesting that girls and young women shouldn't be supported and encouraged to be self-confident and be able to make positive, informed choices. However, I do believe that is difficult when so many other societal messages are saying exactly the opposite thing.

However, by just focusing on "sorting the girls," it would be like saying you need to focus on raising Black people's self-esteem, or young Lesbians and gay men's self-confidence or disabled young people's sense of self worth and respect - but not worry so much about addressing the attitudes and behaviours of other people that stand in the way of them being regarded as valued humans, feeling safe and able to achieve their full potential.

There was a tv programme on this topic recently; the woman had been sexually harrassed from pre-teenage and had (very successful) reduction op and psycho therapy/counselling to help her recover. The main point was that the prob was never her breasts really, they were just an inconvenience. It was the way people, mainly men, treated her, asif she were just a vehicle for her breasts/their entertainment.

Ah right tooearly I didn't see that post, will have a look.

I was actually responsing to something somebody else had said upthread.

I agree it's important that women are taught about stuff like abuse, red flag behaviour and so forth. But at the same time lets educate men and boys about acceptable behaviour. Lets teach them that abuse is wrong and not ok. I believe all this stuff should all be done at school and I think Pippi actually refers to that in her OP.

KRITIQ

that's what i was (very clumsily) trying to say

i'm not in the best place for posting on this thread any longer, will hide it now

hope you're ok, Pippi and others who have disclosed on thread

And this too wrt to teaching in schools:

"Yes, but it will only make a difference within a wider context of socialising boys not to respect girls and women as full human beings and holding men account for violating other humans' boundaries".

Btw I am not sure why feminism is coming in for stick here. Last time I looked feminists weren't running about sexually assaulting women and teenage girls.

I think everyone needs to be educated, not just boys. Women can and do abuse to. I am not naive to think that it is anywhere near the numbers of abusive men but women can abuse their partners to, be it men or women partners.

PS: at the time, my mother still used to choose my clothes, and she very, very much believes that rape is connected to what clothing the victim was wearing. So I don't think it was my clothes.

I agree with that, aliceliddell. The counselling really is important and I wish I'd had somebody to talk though the underlying issues with, not just deal with the physical surgery. Mine was 26 years ago, it wasn't common then, I don't think.

Absolutely, flippinada, it's a decency issue, appropriate behaviour and treatment for both boys and girls and it should be learned at school and reinforced at home.