AIBU to have just realised that I have been sexual assaulted many times

[PippiLongBottom]

I had extremely large breasts as a young teen. I was a 30DD at 13 and my size 8 hour glass figure was very popular with the boys .

At 19 I had my breasts reduced on the NHS because my head was fucked.

It is only with many years of hindsight (I am 36) thanks to Mumsnet and a recently developed feminist perspective that I realise that all the 'incidents' that happened to me were sexual assaults/grooming and not my fault.

I have fb'd one of the cuntslprits tonight.

flipping - I can only speak for myself but I have no intention or interest in "blaming women" - I don't view my job as that but in a world where both sexes can be abused in relationships it is important to help people think through their feelings. This does not imply that is their fault and making this clear is a very important part of therapy.

Yes squeaky, you're right she doesn't specify childhood

I don't know whether the attention that has made her uncomfortable happened in childhood or not, but in terms of my general point it doesn't make any difference.

Straws. Grasping.

squeaky
i didn't say there was anything wrong with supporting women who have been in abusive relationships, or in helping them work through strategies to avoid subsequent abusive relationships, but it won't stop abuse.
i think what you are advocating is dangerous, it's almost educating women to be suspicious of every man - they are NOT all RAPISTS.

squeaky - I think what's wrong with it is that it's awfully easy, when you're in a vulnerable position already, to take such education as blame. I know it isn't intended that way, but that's how it comes to be seen. If there were a way to guard against that, I'm sure it'd be fine. But I think it's impossible.

I do think talking about 'confidence' is not easy here - nothing is going to destroy your confidence like abuse. The simplest answer really is to go after the abusers.

I don't see anyone these days suggesting good ways for married women to avoid marital rape - we just tell them to get the hell out! The same should be the standard for all abuse IMO.

I assume that the posters who asked for clarification etc weren't trying to be vindictive, or disbelieving

Exactly, only one poster (worra) politely stated that "Well it's hard to say YABU or YANBU without knowing what the 'incidents' were to be fair."

Which is not disbelieving, or doubting, or even asking for more information. Which the OP then posted anyway in the next few minutes without any other poster questioning it.

From then on, not one single person has suggested that the op was not assaulted either.. so where all these angry people are getting the idea that the op was accused of lying, or doubted, or dismissed, I have no idea.

'If you'd been held down and raped you would have known straight away what had happened to you, even as a child of 13 and I think maybe this is what some posters were thinking when they asked what had happened? '

This is not true. It's horrible, but it is not true. Some people who are abused actually blank out the memory of it entirely.

This is really important - it is not true that anyone who has been raped, even violently, will be able to process that that is what happened. Especially a 13 year old.

Duckdodgers- apologies, when you addressed the thread with "not all men are rapists etc, and this important to remember" I took that to mean you felt we needed reminding.

I see now it was just a statement without any real point

How could you possibly think that these are appropriate comments on a thread where the OP is talking about sexual assault?

Remember this is AIBU, so it is not unreasonable to assume that:

• the OP is going to be asked to clarify things
• that differing opinions are going to be aired, and thus
• that people are going to read things they strongly disagree with

AIBU has the traffic, but thems the breaks that come with it.

Maybe this thread should be moved then, to another section?

And jeremy yes that was the most worrying because it potentially affects a little girl growing up with unnecessary fears - and this will affect her quality of life.

I see a lot of women with children who have fears that their experiences will affect their children, often a trigger point in asking for help after many many years of struggling on alone. Almost as if they think they dont "deserve" anything better but wanting help so their children will grow up not negatively affected by it all.

Yes. Let's put the onus on the woman. Or the CHILD. The OP has said she was sexually assaulted at school. Wearing her uniform.

I think this is an opportunity to go and talk to your secondary school age DCS. Find out what their school's policy is on sexual harrassment/assault. If they don't have one, worry.

Ask your DCs about the language used to girls. Ask about groping, pinching etc - is it commonplace? If it's witnessed by a teacher how do they respond? Are girls encouraged to report incidents?

This isn't something from the distant past or something about grirls in nightclubs. This is about schoolgirls in uniform being sexually assaulted by fellow pupils. About strangers touching or heckling them in the street as they walk home. This isn't something that self confidence can stop.

I didn't read that in your posts duckdogers, it was a comment elsewhere.

I think Kritiqs post at 11.36 is excellent and summarises how I feel about this issue very well.

EllaDee that was me! But I meant it in the context of KNOWING it was assault IYSWIM. Probably not explaining it very well! Someone earlier said something about different levels of assault. A lot of people (that I know anyway) actually think this! They would think rape, as in penetration is terrible but a grope, and unwanted kissing is less terrible! Seems to be a general opinion unfortunately!

You may block it out later but you KNOW you've been raped when it's happened whereas at 13 if a boy older than you gropes you, you may not be aware that it's wrong. (very badly explained sorry!)

Thanks jeremy - sorry if it wasn't clear - people with a healthy self esteem and view of the world will of course know this, but I don't tend to see people in my job like this sadly.

"And jeremy yes that was the most worrying because it potentially affects a little girl growing up with unnecessary fears - and this will affect her quality of life."

Still more worrying than the incidents of sexual abuse and rape?

It's ok, just checking. Always handy to know these things, makes it easier to sift through the dross.

Ella, I was in my mid 20s before I could tell myself I had been raped as a child, bfore that, even though I held some memories of what happened, I kept most of them hidden in a locked box inside my head. It was the only way I could survive what was done to me, the same dealing with my fathers behaviour and the abusive relationship I had found myself in.

At 13 years of age I would not have been able to process any of what had happened and I ceertainly would not have come out of it with the level of sanity I have now.

*'we have threads on here by people who would consider a man holding a door open for them as some sort of assault'

'Because it does seem, as Worra says, that the hardcore feminists are always waiting in the wings, ready to pitch into a thread like this, and go into full man hating mode without needing to know any of the details.'

Are these asking for more information? You're using the OP to attack other people.

This isn't something that self confidence can stop

I would disagree. Schools have the platform to educate both sexes in what is inappropriate behavior. If girls are taught from an early age that they do not have to accept lewd comments from boys, and boys are taught that it is insulting to make those lewd comments, then we have made some progress.

As I said on the thread last week. Sex Education in schools from I am aware is pitifully inadequate. Children need to be advised on boundaries in relationships, how to treat each other with respect, and how not to feel pressured or bullied into submission. With self confidence, girls, and boys, can feel more able to stand up to bullies, whether it be sexual or not.

Actually JeremyVile makes a good point.

Why do we need to be reminded that all men aren't rapists? No one has said that they are.

I think I see what you're saying newbie ... I just don't think it is right. You hear all the time of people who only realize much later on they were abused. At 13, I do not think every child would be mature enough to understand - the pressure to normalize and rationalize what happens to us is so strong.

This is why I always want to say, go after abusers not the abused. Because abusers take advantage of that drive we have to normalize our situations. If we educate women to some list of 'signs of an abuser', all that will happen is abusers will change their way of operating. It's probably not even conscious.

You can see this if you compare what people complain about now with a problem page from 30 years ago when our mums where first married.

MNP when I made that post, numerous other posters had already been ripped into and attacked by people who are very well known for their very strong feminist views. Also, the effing and blinding was also coming from the feminists too.

I may have missed this being said already.

We need to be teaching our boys that this kind of behaviour is NOT the norm, isn't boys just being one of the boys, nor funny or to be encouraged.

By "we" I mean society, but while the media continues to show young women / girls as objects, excuses will always be made.

It makes me very sad.

slightly - I'm sorry to read that.

How many of you have experienced unwanted sexual touching under the age of 18? (I'll pluck out of the air a definition of having your breasts, and anything covered by knickers deliberately touched/groped.)

Did you report it? (to teachers/parents/police)

I have, and no I didn't.

It has been said TechnoViking but so what. I think it bears saying more than once!