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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to really not get why people co-sleep?

267 replies

LaLaLaLayla · 23/10/2011 10:47

I really do not understand why people co-sleep. Apart from research telling us how dangerous it is for the baby, I also feel a bit sorry for the poor husbands who are almost invariably turfed out of the marital bed to make room for them.

What is the point? Is there one? Is anyone else as baffled as me by this?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 23/10/2011 11:11

I do snuggle up to dd in her bed at times and to get her off to sleep, she is 4.5, even when she is ill its hard to have her in bed with us as she is just so restless and will get more sleep on her own than with us. Its one of those things, where people will have different opinions and are entitled to them. M

IndigoSunshine · 23/10/2011 11:11

We tried it when I was breastfeeding but we got no enjoyment out of it. Both of us were terrified of rolling over onto him and if we gave him half the bed then we would get even worse sleep from having no space, stiff from being too scared to move and worried he would roll off the bed (cushions and blankets were put in place on the rare chance it would happen) He happily sleeps in his cot so it's been no problem not cosleeping. It's just not for everyone.

octopusinabox · 23/10/2011 11:12

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pigletmania · 23/10/2011 11:12

But then my SIL is complaining that she never gets much sleep as ds keeps kicking her and fidgeting and is quite restless, so mabey the best thing would be to be in his own bed.

BerryLellow · 23/10/2011 11:13

I don't have a marital bed, I have a king sized one. And I haven't got a husband either, but DP didn't mind his children being in with us.

IndigoSunshine · 23/10/2011 11:13

And it never occured to us to have one of us not sleep in the bed.

ArthurPewty · 23/10/2011 11:16

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RumourOfAHurricane · 23/10/2011 11:16

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Majestic12 · 23/10/2011 11:17

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pozzled · 23/10/2011 11:20

We co-sleep with DD2 because it really is the only way to get any sleep. She wouldn't settle any other way for ages, now at 4 months she is starting to get a bit better and we are gradually getting her used to the cot.

At no point was DH kicked out of the bed, there's plenty of room for us all. In fact DD1 still occasionally gets into our bed as well (she's 3 and will come in if she wakes with a nightmare) and DH has always been much happier having her in the bed than I am.

As far as safety goes, we take all the precautions about not being drunk, have never smoked, make sure the covers don't go over her etc. I think that it would be less safe to be looked after by a really sleep-deprived parent. Also with DD1 I sometimes fell asleep with her while feeding her in a chair, and again I am sure that was more dangerous than careful co-sleeping.

It's not a choice I would have made in advance, and tbh I am looking forward to a time when DD2 can go in the cot. But it works, it's lovely in lots of ways, I can see why people do choose it. And I couldn't care less what others choose.

BertieBotts · 23/10/2011 11:21

Because if you read the research properly, you'll see it's just as safe (in fact some people believe safer) than cot sleeping. The research which tells us it is dangerous included sofa-sleeping, drunk/drugged sleeping, etc. Sofa-sharing is supposed to be the most dangerous. IT's infinitely more safe to set up a safe space to feed in bed than to accidentally fall asleep through tiredness while feeding on a sofa or in a chair.

Because you barely have to wake up to feed - I never knew how often DS was waking in the night. And you feed them, and then go back to sleep. You don't have to inch them into a cot. You don't have to walk down a cold hallway. You don't worry about "bad habits" with feeding to sleep. You don't have to listen to them crying, you tend to wake just before they do.

Because you are close to them, you can easily check their breathing, their temperature, you seem to know just before they are sick(!) you are just generally aware of how they are. This is one reason why I and some other people believe it's actually safer than cot sleeping. Also, if you sleep skin-to-skin, your skin temperature actually changes to correct theirs. Premature babies who have "kangaroo care" (skin to skin with mum)'s temperatures stay more stable (although mum's skin temperature will rapidly rise and fall by ~1C each way) than those in incubators (where the incubator has a steady temperature).

It's also beneficial, hormone-wise, for establishing breastfeeding. Babies who co-sleep and are allowed free access to the breast for the first few nights tend not to lose any weight, whereas a loss of up to 10% birthweight is accepted as normal.

When they go into a bed, they're already used to it, and you can continue settling them the way you always have, rather than having the sudden complication of it being changed (no sides). And people always seem to have trouble with cots - do you feed them to sleep and then try to get them in? Or put them in awake? Leave them to cry? What happens when they wake? You can't get in with them, so again you have the same dilemma. Often babies hate their cots or moses baskets at first - they just want to be with you. It seems the easiest and best solution for everyone.

I think most people who co-sleep are anti sleep training, as well. So the "obvious" solution to anyone who does think sleep training is good/necessary, isn't really an option.

It's also lovely to cuddle your baby all night, and wake up to them smiling and gurgling at you, and they don't tend to be wriggly and kicky when they've done it from being tiny.

I didn't kick XP out of bed. I don't see why that's necessary if you use a bedside cot or bed rail on mum's side. Unless they are a smoker, or something. I didn't really drink when DS was tiny but if I did have a drink I just made sure he was well inside the bounds of the bedside cot, and if he was feeding I sat up to make sure I didn't fall asleep on him.

Honestly I don't get why cots are so ubiquitous. I can't work out the logistics of them at all.

Babieseverywhere · 23/10/2011 11:21

Mmm, I would like to say...

"I really do not understand why people don't co-sleep. Apart from research telling us how dangerous it is for the baby to be in it's own room from birth, I also feel a bit sorry for the poor babies who are almost invariably turfed out of the marital bed to make room for the parents.

What is the point? Is there one? Is anyone else as baffled as me by this?"

...please forgive me foe being a bit tongue in check.

The last statical report I looked at regarding cosleeping, stated that 50% of the babies bedshared (mock shock horror) which meant 50% of babies didn't. i.e. It is just as dangerous for a baby to be in a cot, so what are people meant to do, whatever is best for their own families. Nothing in life is risk free, you have to choose the best solution for your own child.

Cosleeping is as safe as baby in a cot if the safe rules are applied. Just like no one would put a baby in an unsafe broken cot, sensible rules should be followed for bed sharing. No drunk/drugged parents, mother next to baby. No duvet or pillows near/on baby etc.

The point for me is cosleeping is a safe way to get plenty of sleep, easily night parent and it works for my family. If you need more sleep I highly recommend it :)

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/10/2011 11:25

I don't know about anyone else, but when I coslept with mine when they were babies, I seemed to freeze. I am normally a fidgety sleeper. In fact, when I first met my now husband, he would laugh his head off because we'd wake up in the morning and my feet would be on the pillow because I'd actually turned myself upside down in the night. (apparently after I'd got bored of tossing, turning and kicking, I would get out of bed and back in again with my head at the bottom of the bed Hmm

what was my point Hmm oh yes, when I coslept with my babies I didn't move a muscle. The position I was in when I got into bed was the position I woke up in.

I think that is our instinct kicking in. It can be overridden, like I say, by drink or drugs, but without such things, even though we are asleep, we are aware

Mrswhiskerson · 23/10/2011 11:25

I have not researched co sleeping much so I can't have a opinion on it other than do what works best for your family,

dh and I decided we wanted ds to know bedtime was bedtime and after three months moved him into his own room when he outgrew his Moses basket , we bath feed him and out him to be d with a kiss and leave no fussing or anything and he has slept all the way through the night ever since .it works for us but some friends have criticised the fact we don't spend ages in the room with him at bedtime ,some eone is always going to have a opinion on how you raise your dc , I now ignore the criticism as I know my ds is happy and I am happyhaving a goodnights sleep if it works the same for co sleepers than why not?

BertieBotts · 23/10/2011 11:25

Yes, of course you can do it if you are ill Confused it's only a very small number of drugs which make you drowsy which you wouldn't want to co-sleep while taking. You can take paracetamol!

As for DHs/DPs going off and finding someone else - Hmm

SaffronCake · 23/10/2011 11:27

A really serious and very high risk of cot death is one in four thousand, most of us who co-sleep have it down to far lower than that by following safety guidelines based on research and not knee-jerk populist common knowledge. On the other hand every single child ever born will be affected by if they bond well with their parents or not (Bowlby's attachment theory) and the more time you spend physically near them the better the bond. There is nothing controversial about Bowlby, it's standard accepted knowledge. Your child WILL fare better the more it learns to trust that you are there for it.

Of course you can say you don't have to co-sleep to foster a good secure attachment, and that's a fair point, you don't. But you don't have to ever feed a child apples, oranges or bananas for them to have enough fruit either. Like choosing fruit, choosing how and when to be close and cuddly is for the parents, not for anyone else. Close and cuddly is good for them. Co-sleeping provides a huge dose of close and cuddly.

It's also not fair to say that husbands are almost invariably pushed out, if the husband is being pushed out then you're talking about a temporary reactionary event like a child who wont settle, not a genuine nightly arrangement. Those of us who co-sleep regularly more often than not have husbands who see it the same way we do.

Human beings are crap at assessing risks accurately. Our perception of what is risky and the truth of what is risky are miles out. Take paedophiles for example, we all tell our kids not to talk to strangers (me included) but the most likely person to hurt them is thier own Daddy/stepdad- something like 80% of abuse cases in fact. Or take sports, we send our 6 year old daughters horse riding but we wont let our 16 year old daughters have a moped. Horse riding is, hour for hour, 17 times more likely to get you killed or seriously injured than riding a motorcycle on the public road.

I'll take my chances on a 1 in several thousand risk thanks. And I'll cuddle my babies all night long.

BertieBotts · 23/10/2011 11:29

The figures of how many cot deaths occurred in a bed vs how many cot deaths occured in a cot are meaningless though unless you know how many people co-sleep and how many don't. Since it's so stigmatised and people tend to lie, we don't have an accurate statistic. And there will never be more research done because cot death is thankfully so rare now that the figures are too small to be reliable.

ooosabeauta · 23/10/2011 11:30

It's worth reading Sears' and Sears' book on sleep if you would like to read about the benefits of co-sleeping.

www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-Sleep-Book-Complete-Parenting/dp/0316107719/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1319365529&sr=1-4

maypole1 · 23/10/2011 11:31

So the up shot is laziness they can't be borthred to do the long game and get child into a proper routine

Also I find a a lot of single parents do this because their Lonely my sister to name one

The sad thing was as soon as she got a man little one got kicked out amazing how niece could suddenly sleep on her own

maypole1 · 23/10/2011 11:32

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Kayzr · 23/10/2011 11:33

Tiffany thats bloody stupid. Men cheat because they are cunts not because their DW/P co sleptAngry

Sugarkane · 23/10/2011 11:33

I have co slept with both of my DC and will when DC3 arrives in Feb, Why?? I wanted to and really I dont give a fig if you really do not "get" why I did it, for as long as DP also agrees with me, I will use my judgement and continue to do full and proper reasearch into the facts so I can do the best for my family at any given time, no matter how high you hike your judgey pants.

Majestic12 · 23/10/2011 11:34

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QuintessentialShadyHallows · 23/10/2011 11:34

We co-slept with both babies as long as they were breastfeeding in the night.

Dh and I have a duvet each. Baby had his blankets and slept between us. Neither of us are overweight (ok, I am a size 16). We dont smoke. Dh dont drink, I have the occasional glass of wine (not while I was breastfeeding).
It allowed me to get some sleep, as baby was feeding 2-3 times per night.

SaffronCake · 23/10/2011 11:34

Ignore that "something like 80% of abuses cases" - I think I've looked at the wrong number. Change it to the largest proportion of abuse cases because that's a certainty, 80% when I double checked it wasn't from a solid source.

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