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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not get why people co-sleep?

267 replies

LaLaLaLayla · 23/10/2011 10:47

I really do not understand why people co-sleep. Apart from research telling us how dangerous it is for the baby, I also feel a bit sorry for the poor husbands who are almost invariably turfed out of the marital bed to make room for them.

What is the point? Is there one? Is anyone else as baffled as me by this?

OP posts:
LoveBeingAWitch · 23/10/2011 12:45

If my bed was big enough and my boobs weren't so big I might cosleep, I do the first feed in bed lying down whenever possible it's a lovely start to the day.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 23/10/2011 12:46

OP, overheating is a risk to babies, but if you're cosleeping safely then you'll have accommodated this in your set-up. When DS2 was tiny, he only ever slept in a babygro with a cotton collular blanket over him, and I was curled round him, monitoring him the whole night long without actually being that aware of it. As he's grown, he tends to throw blankets off, and now we're putting him into a cot at bedtime and taking him in with us when he wakes at about 11, he's in a summer-weight grobag, which seems fine. I have my duvet wrapped further down my body and if it's cold, an extra top on. Pillow out of the way.

TBH, if you wanted a non-flamey response, I'd have suggested you post your genuine question elsewhere. Wink

pigletmania · 23/10/2011 12:47

I do love it when dd comes into our bed in the mornings and snuggles up, it is a nice start to the day, but I could not have her in at night, she is a light sleeper and our breathing would keep her awake, and also we want her to get a good night sleep for school the next day which she would not in our bed.

hardboiledpossum · 23/10/2011 12:47

LaLaLaLayla So do you now understand why people co-sleep? What would you do if you had a baby who screamed when put in their cot and then woke every half hour throughout the night?

ReshapeWhileDamp · 23/10/2011 12:47

Tch, that should be cellular, not collular. Whatever that is. Hmm

NinkyNonker · 23/10/2011 12:49

Layla, asking is fine. But your initial post wasn't a genuine question, it was a judgement. You can't play the wounded victim now.

Original poster
LaLaLaLayla · 23/10/2011 12:53

I'm not, NN, but I was quite taken aback by some of the personal remarks. I honestly did not understand why people did it. Now it seems that most people co-sleep so they can get a good night's sleep themselves. But I am still concerned about the dangers. The FSID used to say that overheating is the main cause of Cot Death and that children are more inclined to overheat if they are bed-sharing.

Is that not the case now?

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 23/10/2011 12:53

i can not understand why such victorian attitudes towards child care is so popular now. seems to be made popular by childcare experts that know all about routines that work for our busy lives but seems to ignore the emotional needs of a baby and parents and the importance of physical contact for both

Changing2011 · 23/10/2011 12:54

Boring! I never coslept and don't plan on doing it when I have my next baby in February... It wasn't for me or my DH we felt dd settled better when in her own sleeping arrangements, be it cot or carrycot by our bed when she was tiny. And I breastfed on demand.

But I really couldn't care what other people do with their babies, or the effect it has on their "marital beds". Yabu. It's like saying, I don't understand why some people don't drive, or some people go to the gym, or some people get their Christmas shopping done by April!

Esta3GG · 23/10/2011 12:58

What FreudianSlipper said.

Why are some people so bothered about what other people do with their kids?

Original poster
LaLaLaLayla · 23/10/2011 13:00

I thought that was the whole point of Am I Being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
verylittlecarrot · 23/10/2011 13:01

C'mon now OP, don't be acting like you are all wounded now! Revisit your OP and look what you wrote about co-sleeping:

Research tells us "how dangerous" it is. (Nope, research doesn't tell us this AT ALL)
Poor husbands are invariably turfed out (really? you sure? As opposed to kicking out the poor children, you mean?)
is there a point? (You're implying there might be no positive reason to do it despite all the apparently awful reasons you state (which are patently crap, but you seem to believe them)

Your opinion of co-sleepers as dangerous, child-risking, husband-neglectors lacking the rational ability to do the right thing, may have rubbed us up the wrong way perhaps. Don'tcha think?

If you'd have posted saying "Come and tell me why you co-sleep, what are your reasons", you'd have had some different responses.

Just sayin'.

NinkyNonker · 23/10/2011 13:02

I was concerned too Layla, but there is loads of good info out there. I'm on my phone bow, but can look out links for you this eve if you like. In terms of temp, dd never came under the duvet with us, she had her own little sleeping bag/blanket, but I think that was as much to avoid her inadvertently wriggling down under it. I think the main danger was smothering, which is why it isn't recommended if you drink a lot/smoke/take drugs, painkillers etc or are very over weight.

The hv said that it was also safer if you were bf as against FF because your hormones meant you were more aware.

Done properly it is safe though, really.

camdancer · 23/10/2011 13:05

Just in case you are genuinely asking. Overheating is thought to be a factor in cot death. So what I do is that DD2 and I share the spare bed. DD2 is in her grobag on her side of the bed. I'm on my side with my duvet. DH gets the "marital bed" and a full night's sleep - lucky bugger!

Original poster
LaLaLaLayla · 23/10/2011 13:06

Research tells us "how dangerous" it is. (Nope, research doesn't tell us this AT ALL)

Actually, it did. I clearly recall co-sleeping cited as the number 1 killer of SIDS victims. Maybe the scientists have done a complete turaround in the last few years...

OP posts:
TandB · 23/10/2011 13:06

Why not read some up to date research then, OP?

HauntyMython · 23/10/2011 13:06

I have such great memories of cosleeping. With DD we didn't do it very long - thanks to an evening bottle and a dummy she was in a routine quite young.

DS was EBF though so he was in with DH and I. Have to admit I was worried we were creating a clingy monster - even after we stopped bedtime feeds he was in our room, but just before he turned 2 he went into DD's room and he's actually a much better sleeper than DD was at that age - it may be due to any number of factors but he is definitely more secure and calm than DD.

TandB · 23/10/2011 13:07

And aaaaaaargh! For about the millionth time - smothering is not and never has been SIDS.

CardyMow · 23/10/2011 13:08

I started off with my first dc by putting her down to sleep in a cot. She had what the doctors called a 'near-miss cot death' when she was 2.5mo old. I was told if I had been a minute later getting medical help for her, she would have died.

Since then, I have co-slept with all my dc. DD is now 13.7yo, she moved into her own bed at around 3.5yo. DS1 (now 9.6yo) only wanted to co-sleep for 18 months, then he wanted his own bed. DS2 (now 7.11yo) was very non-cuddly, and only co-slept until 8mo. DS3 is 9mo tomorrow, and still co-sleeping.

None of my dc have ever had any problems co-sleeping, in fact, after DD's episode, I was given advice by HCP's TO co-sleep, as statistically if done properly, it is actually SAFER than putting a baby in a cot, as the baby is more able to regulate it's temperature and breathing.

No-one will ever be able to persuade me that putting your dc to sleep in a cot - often in another room, no less ( Shock ) is safer for a baby than co-sleeping, when the human race evolved TO co-sleep in order to protect your baby from predators. Thise people above who have said that you wake up before your baby is sick are telling the truth - the hormones released when BF'ing mean that you are more aware of your baby.

HauntyMython · 23/10/2011 13:10

Cosleeping is VERY dangerous if you smoke/drink/take drugs. If you do it properly though it is safe, safer than them being in a separate room from birth surely.

I had my DCs in two different hospitals and both times I was shown on the first night how to cosleep safely :)

Original poster
LaLaLaLayla · 23/10/2011 13:10

I did (just now) do some research kungfupanda, and this is what the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths recommends:

?The safest place for your baby to sleep is in a crib or cot in a room with you for the first six months.

?Place your baby with their feet to the foot of the cot, to prevent them wriggling down under the covers, or use a baby sleep bag.

?Sadly accidents can happen: you might roll over in your sleep and suffocate your baby; or your baby could get caught between the wall and the bed, or could roll out of an adult bed and be injured.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 23/10/2011 13:11

No, of course smothering isn't SIDS. But neither is SIDS related to co-sleeping, but one of the poss dangers of co sleeping is smothering.

GColdtimer · 23/10/2011 13:15

When I was in hospital with dd2 the midwife encouraged me to co-sleep (she had been in scbu then under the lights for 5 days) saying "she just needs her mummy". I co slept with her fir 6 months. She had been a far better sleeper than dd1 who in hindsight I should have co-slept with but didn't because I was actually worried about what the judgy-knickers brigade might think.

verylittlecarrot · 23/10/2011 13:16

What kungfupanda said. SIDS is UNEXPLAINED death, so how anyone can deduce that co-sleeping CAUSES it is beyond me.

And no, the research has never shown that "co-sleeping" causes SIDS. But your flawed recollection is a classic example of how the media is too lazy and stupid to actually report things correctly, and how the public go off half-cocked as a result.

Countries where cosleeping is the cultural norm have lower rates of SIDS than countries where children sleep in cots. Any thoughts on that, OP?

NinkyNonker · 23/10/2011 13:17

For some reason SIDS is always discussed alongside co sleeping as if they were related, when they really aren't. Very poor.