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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 17:10

Nope, not discussed at length. And AFAIK it's only recently been said by her so I don't think any 'decision' has been made.

I also don't think he should put cosy nights in with me above his relationship....firstly because it's not a cosy night in, and secondly because I don't see why coming to see us has to equal wrecking a relationship....that would be a bizarre conclusion to what should be quite a trivial easygoing activity. A man going to see his friend and niece and nephew 26 times a year should not be a deal breaker for anyone....should it?!

I would find it odd that he wouldn't want to see us anymore, yes, but I would hope if that was the case he would be able to be honest and not blame his girlfriend for it. I don't see that being what's at play here tbh.

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 17:11

No, Leo, he could have told his girlfriend, after she told him not to go, 'Sorry, but my friend means a lot to me. I'm still going. If you have that much of a problem with it, maybe we should break it off/see other people, get some space from each other.'

Instead, he chose to alter the arrangement.

He prioritised his girlfriend over this old mate.

He's a grown man. People do that. It happens.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 17:11

TonyDanza, I didn't start this to get people to slag her off, not even remotely the case. Just wanted to make that clear.

OP posts:
DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 17:12

Personally I don't think I'd want to spend time with her TBH, in the light of the demands she's making of your friend and therefore of you. I have no time or patience with insecure control freaks when their strops have an effect upon my life and friendships and I might just tell her so!

But I'm sure you're far nicer and more tolerant than me, Girlfriend. :) How much so and whether you can grit your teeth in the company of this silly little woman is something only you know. :o

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 17:13

I think it just as likely he is using this gf as a convenient excuse

Unless, OP, you have been discussing this at length with him ? About how horribly unfair she is being ? How controlling ? How insecure and needy ? You know, like you have managed to get lots of people on this thread to say on your behalf...

< ahem >

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 17:13

I wouldn't want to spend as much time with him, either, if he's the type of person who blows off a mate of so long for a piece of arse. :o

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 17:15

As I said, AF, no it hasn't been discussed at length.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 17:16

I have said it came out of the blue and I liked her, I really did not think she had any issue with me at all. I treated her like I have treated any of his girlfriends. If they're nice I even let them play with my perfect DCs (Wink).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 17:18

I won't tantrum to him over this Sansa, no matter what he does, he is still the uncle of my DCs and my DP's brother, in addition to being my friend.

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 17:18

She must be one of hell of a piece, then :o.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 22/10/2011 17:22

Sansa it's not as simple as that, as much as I'm sure you'd like to think so. Ask anyone who's been in an emotionally controlling relationship.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 17:24

No, Leo, it is. Because even if someone is in a controlling relationship, he/she has to recognise that and want to get out of it for things to be different. If they don't, there isn't a whole lot anyone can do about it.

He complies with her request. Who knows why, we can't assume it's because she's abusive anymore than we can assume it's because she gives him the best head he's ever had.

TheScarlettPimpernel · 22/10/2011 17:33

My dearest mate is a fella.

I am married. Said dearest mate comes over when DH is on night shifts. I cook for him, we get pissed, he crashes out on the sofa.

DH's most recent comment on this arrangement has been 'Oh I'm so glad you two have got each other!'

Dearest mate now has a GF and we have not seen each other alone in months. I miss him terribly. However, I love him and want him to be happy, and appreciate that bagging him for myself for long nights in is probably not wise just now, and that at the moment he has other priorities.

In summary: this 1911-esque shock-horror at male/female close friendships, and the desire to be alone together as you would with any very close friend, is bonkers as conkers in my view. Dear Lord in heaven, aren't we passed all that?!

However, I think if you loved him, and wanted only the best for him, you would bear with this for now, and let his relationship thrive.

wannaBe · 22/10/2011 17:43

imagine:

"My sil and I have been best friends for about ten years or so. We get together about once a fortnight when my dp (her brother)is out. She comes over and reads a story to my kids, I cook dinner and we spend time together and have a laugh. Recently sil has moved in with her dp of about eight months, and he has told her that he would like her to see less of me and that he is not happy with the arrangement where she comes over once a fortnight. He feels that she is spending time she could be spending with him, with me and he's not happy about that."

What would people say to that? Honestly - would you all still be saying "You have to take a step back from this friendship because her dp should come first,"? Or would you all be saying "There are massive red flags in your relationship and tbh I'd want to be there more for your sil because she is going to need you, if this man is so controlling in the early stages of their relationships then I'd be worried for her."?

Because whatever the answer you would give about two female friends doesn't suddenly change because one of them has a penis.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 17:54

Yes, wannabe, I'd say the exact same thing, especially because the OP is not the person in the relationship, IYKWIM. Regardless of whatever red flags there may or may not be, the other party has gone along with his/her partner's request, for whatever reason (and it may not always be nefarious).

Friendship is swings and roundabouts. It's early in the relationship.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 18:06

OP, sorry for looking like I repeated myself un-necessarily. We cross posted.

grubly · 22/10/2011 18:08

What Scarlett P said. Plus i think its odd that so many of you are giving GF a hard time. You do come across as being insecure and needy to me whereas I have found all of her responses measured and reasonable.

Do people really think it is weird for a male friend to read a little boy a story and have some dinner? really?

I just cannot relate to that at all. It happens in this house all the time and is considered a completely normal part of our lives.

wannaBe · 22/10/2011 18:21

grubly even more so when that man is the child's biological uncle.

I am also Shock that there are people who think this level of control would even be ok if it were a female friend (if we take into account the male/female senario is born out of insecurity).

Which presumably means that there are people on this thread who would be perfectly happy for their dh/p's to dictate to them when they could see what friends.

MrHeadlessMan · 22/10/2011 18:21

People will see their friends more or less often at different times in their lives. Me, I've got small kids, so I last saw my close friends sometime in 2008.

He's got your phone number. If it's important to him he'll find ways to meet up.

Now a much more important question: why is there no wine or beer in my house? Grrrrr.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 18:26

Get down the offy, MHM

Or are you expecting the wine/beer to miraculously appear all by itself ? Wink

MrHeadlessMan · 22/10/2011 18:29

Actually I remember some Cosmic Ordering malarky on MN a while back, saying if I think real hard it will show up in my kitchen due to Quantum Physics.

I am staring at the spot next to the fridge but no joy yet...

banana87 · 22/10/2011 18:30

YABU. And jealous. And controlling. If you know nothing is going on then what's the big deal? You are going to end up making him lie about where he's going if you keep it up. Get over it.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 18:37
Grin
Oggy · 22/10/2011 18:56

Have to say, from everything I have read on here my analysis would be that he issue with the girlfriend isn't jealousy of the friendship etc but more likely that she doesn't actually like the female friend.

My husband has a friend that I dislike for various reasons and I do very much dislike him going out with this friend (friend is male by the way). Of course I don't try and stop him, but suspect maybe a similar issue here...

KreepyInMind · 22/10/2011 19:03

YABVU he is a grown man and can choose his own friends, oh and what a crime to come home at 10am.

If he was out drinking, gambling, shagging other women then coming home and beating the living shit out of you then you might have something to moan about.
Leave the man alone