To loathe and despise hosting "playdates"??

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

I hate it. I hate the term "Playdate" but it's what everyone calls it now...I hate that my ordinarily well behaved DD (7) turns into a monster....I hate the squashed food I find in corners of the house afterwards...I hate the hysteical sqeualing and the way my 3 year old tries to join in (even though they naturally dont want her)

I hate the way I can't relax....I'm always wondering what they're up to....are they in my makeup? trashing the bedrom?

I am sitting here thinking about whether AIBU to never have another until they're old enough to mooch miserably in their bedrooms and only grunt when I speak to them.

"I also don't allow TV/ computer/ Wii when friends are over." Why on earth not?

I don't mind them too much. Most of the time DS1's friends' mothers would come too and we have a nice chat and we each shout at look after our own children. Usually the problem is with DS1 or DS2 getting over-excited and deciding to be impertinent to show off ...

I've only had one child who came on his own and looked down his nose on our tiny little tv and the lack of Sky and the lack of Wii. Suffice to say he has not been invited back. I like his parents though... Won't mind if he comes round but with his parents.

I think DS1 (now 12) has grown up to understand my POV on having friends over a conversation we had this morning about him inviting someone over went as follows:

• "can't invite T over as we need to go out to the park /in the garden when he's here" (broke some slats on DS's bed when he last came)

• "we can't invite W until after lunch 'cos he has too many allergies and we probably don't have any X,Y or z here"

-" can't have J, as his twin brother ALWAYS has to come and he winds up DS2 by breaking up his Lego models"

I don't like 'playdates' but I do them under duress, and definitely have my Top5 list of suitable children

It's all very well saying 'tell them not to' about bad behaviour, or damage, but the problem I find is that I find out AFTER the event. Especially with older children, you can't be hovering over them all the time, so only find the damage later . I think size of house DOES matter a bit too, especially if they are out of sight/ earshot...

I hate the fact my DSs (12 and 9) default to the Wii/DS/Xbox, but it IS what boys of this age want to do . Then I resent the fact that I have to 'police' it and be 'bad mummy' when I tell them to do something else after an hour or so...

Well said wicketkeeper!

Yep, add me to the list that hates them. I have avoided them for ages due to working, now I'm not and have no excuse - I didn't mind when they were younger when (looking back through rose tinted glasses) in theory I got to pick the mums & dads I liked anyway for coffee and the kids would pootle around playing, now I have to host total strangers and their weird likes & dislikes and I have to tidy the house and stuff.

I need to get my head round it and just do it. I want to be one of those mums who can host one at the last minute & not stress.

Not sure what mine would do if I didn't allow Wii/computer...

YABVU

Children not being allowed to have friends over to play sounds Victorian to me and very, very sad.

Just out of interest to people who've said no playdates.....what happens if YOUR child is invited to play at a friend's house? Do you not allow them to go? What would you think if the host parent was dreading having your child over? Wouldn't you want your child to made feel welcome?

Having friends over to play and teaching them to be a good host is part of life's lessons imo. My dds often have friends over to play and generally they go well. You just need to set a few ground rules OP. Your bedroom is out of bounds, other than that at 7 they should really be entertaining themselves. My dds play outside with friends if the weather's good, other than that they play board games, Polly Pocket, Sylvanians, dolls house etc. Maybe watch a bit of telly. Give them all supper at 5 ish, they go home at 6 ish.

But certainly I would want to make the visiting child feel welcome, not made to feel like they're being a pain.

I have one going on today - and I'm loving it. Well, kind of. DD(5) has friend over. They are mostly allowing DD2 (3) to join in and all is going well.

I've even relaxed over friends very fussy attitude to food and if she doesn't eat what I give her she goes hungry. She now knows that too.

its through playdates that DD1 has realized that other people do things differently and if you only get one piece of toast for lunch at someone elses house and are hungry, well, thats just the way it is. You can always have a banana when you come home. Everyone does things differently and she's respecting this fact.

Well I think it's good manners to make something the visiting child will like. I would feel uncomfortable sending them home hungry. It's all very well making a point of only cooking one thing, take it or leave it, but I don't think that applies so strongly when you have guests.

If dh and I have friends over for dinner we always ask beforehand if there are any food dislikes. I like to make sure guests are well looked after in our home, be they adult OR child.

ove having dd girl friends around,its the boys,everyone of them is a nightmare.

I love play dates. The kids get on really well. They only eat in the games room or outside. I tend not to feed the kids a meal, only snacks and I keep them short. The child is picked up or returned after 2 hours. DS friends parents are happy with this and it works both ways! play dates are time extended if we meet at the beach/park etc

We (me, dd 3.5 and ds 18 months) are acutally going to our first play date in 20 mins.... I am terrified - they have a girl the at nursery with dd, an older dd (who has a friend to play) and then a 6 week old ds - bit worried that my 18 month old is going to cause havoc... going to take him some toys etc - but do i need to take anything else with us? someone said cake? which would mean de-tour to the shop??

If the child is at school, don't invite a parent unless you actually want to have coffee and chat with that parent. If the child comes without the parent younger (or any) siblings are not invited unless you actually offer. Set rules - a few very simple clear ones about what matters to you, such as no eating upstairs/ no going in my room/ no helping yourself to food without asking... make sure your child knows them and that they are responsible for their friend following them, otherwise said friend will not come again ever...

My house is usually full of kids - or my older kids (6 and 4) are elsewhere at their friends. I love it that way - dd is very attention intensive unless she has a friend here, in which case I only know she's here when she's asking for refreshments, or by the babble of play dialogue from upstairs.

I only have a problem with the next door neighbour kids, whom I really don't like but their mum is always asking me to watch, I've got the 6 year old trained but I wouldn't have the 4. year old boy back if he just lived in another village, but for the sake of maintaining non hostile relations with the neighbour in a small rural community I let him play here, but unless it's freezing or raining the boys have to play outside, and we do have a "finished" basement with a craft table and mini football goals to banish them to! I do tell frequent visitors off as I would my own kids, and expect their mums to treat my children the same way - it's the only way if you are going to have other children around a lot - and I love that my kids are sociable. I never entertain the visitors or allow them to have telly when visitors are here btw - the kids go up to their rooms, down to the basement or outside.

fairmum where I live you absolutely have to take cake if you are staying to the play date - not for kids only. But I live overseas where this also applies to kid free going for coffee. I think it's nice to take something the first time - biscuits, or some fruit for the kids to share, would probably be equally acceptable in the UK I imagine.

It depends on the situation, I generally stick with children where I know the parents reasonably well, and like them, so that it is easier to hang out and chat with the parents.
It is always going to be difficult with younger siblings, they will want to join in, don't know how to get round that other than to also invite a smaller child for them to play with, or have an activity planned with the younger child whilst the older children play (or join in?).
It isn't so bad when you have had the children over a few times, you kind of slip into a comfortable routine, unless they are unbearable, in which case don't invite them back if you can avoid it. I have found that ds has become very close friends with the children we invite back and it has given him a nice, supportive social circle at school.
When I go on a playdate it is usually to the home of a friend so that we can help each other make tea and have a coffee and chat. Actually, I quite like them, especially if I have been at home all day, nice to speak to another person.
Could you go out to the park as part of the playdate so that your younger sibling can hook up with some other small children and your older sibling is free to play.

Greatgooglymoogly my ds1 plays with his millions of toy cars or playmobile indoors, or they do lego or puzzles or play the occassional board game. Sometimes they paint (we have a room where this is allowed and non stressful) all the kids play a "pretend" game together (role play). But my ds1 is only 4 and his sister 6. I expect it will change in a year or 2! Mainly the boys play football or pirates outside though.

When my lot were at the 'playdate' age I got around it by having a friend round for tea after school - meant that I only had to endure an hour and a half tops :o

My DS is the one and only, and he would have had a very lonely childhood without playdates. We're overseas, and have had a wide variety of nationalities coming over to play. All have been fine - even the notorious child with ADHD, who turned out to be a "yes, Mrs Gypsy" & "thank you Mrs Gypsy" kind of kid when away from school and over protective well-intentioned mother.

To be honest, now that DS1 is away at boarding school, and has since brought a mate back for a five day holiday, it is only now that I realize I have been lucky. This particular mate talked non-stop. Oh God. DS1 & I have been known to rattle on, but bloody hell, matey made Bruce Forsyth look shy and retiring. Lesson 1: A sleepover for one night is OK. Four nights requires me to be on medication.

Lesson 2: Despite having rules etc eat up, put plates in dishwasher, no playing inside now etc., doesn't make the slightest bit of difference if the guest is like the kid above. They behave perfectly, but.....still manage to be a nightmare.

Choose wisely, or not at all.

No expert but I think the secrets of successful play times are:

• (as Rowingboat said) if you can invite the friends of your dc that you like (and preferably whose parents you like) it's a lot easier

• host regularly but not too often (usually once a week, sometimes once a fortnight here) although dd does see her closest friend most weekends) that way it's a treat but not an all out over-the-top exciting event

• serve the food (to everyone) that that particular child likes and you know they will eat (Agree with Dancergirl on this. You wouldn't feed adult guests something they detest so why not treat visiting dc with the same respect?)

• politely but clearly outline the rules, then let them get on with it, but always have a plan B stored away for difficult moments or if they run out of steam/or are in conflict over something (craft project, baking project, board game, interesting toy kept back for such circs)

• most important, if the dc are of an age where they don't need constant supervision, ALWAYS, ALWAYS do something productive yourself while your dc have friends over - so you can keep an ear tuned to what is happening but you are not overly engaged/stressed: clear out a shoe cupboard, cook (not a sensitive souffle obviously but something like a soup/casserole/baking that involves mindless chopping/beating and not too complicated - so you can break away if you are needed) that way if everything goes belly up and it's all a disaster, at least you have something to show for it at the end of the day and you can send the friend home with a flap-jack or three!

• reward yourself with a nice DVD and a glass or two of once everyone has gone home happy

Having said all that, only have one dd so fairly simple to organise here and am fortunate to live abroad in country where there is old-fashioned discipline at home and school so visitors tend to be very well-behaved. (Remember erecting a "scribble/doodle wall" made from inside-out wallpaper one party so that small guests could draw on it - and they were all too polite!)

Dont mind the "playdates", also hate the word..... DD 5.5 loves having people around, up stairs is out of bounds as I am worried somebody will get hurt on the stairs (thats my excuse anyway and they buy it, they generally dont seem to go up ....

I'm a bit baffled by this actually, maybe it's because my dd was an only one for nearly 5 years but I and her friends' mums were always trying to get 'playdates' (we NEVER called them that 7-10 years ago!) organised, as it was so much easier to entertain two children than one. Sometimes we (mums) stayed as we became friends, sometimes we would do each other favours looking after other dc so someone could work/go to an appointment etc, but I have never 'dreaded' or 'hated' having friends round.

My best friend and I were also neighbours (our gardens met at right-angles at the top) and we spent every available minute round at each other's houses, gardens, playing out on bikes, roller skates, etc - I can't imagine how dull my childhood would have been otherwise! (I also have only one sibling, 6 years younger, so we never played together)

From the age of about 4 it is fine to leave your child at a friend's house, and probably does them good. I wouldn't want someone's dad who I don't know hanging about my house, I would just say, it's fine, you can go!

I know some children are a nightmare, and you might want to limit engagements with those children, but find some nice ones fgs! Anyway, t is worth a bit of hassle to have that blissful time when they are invited back...

I do allow Wii but not for the whole time, as they tend to interact a lot and be physically active. I don't allow telly though, generally, as that is something they can do on their own. I think that is a waste of having company.

I love playdates - They are so much fun, and i don't mind joining in if that's what that dd wants. Now my eldest is 17 she constantly has bf and friends over - spontaneous sleepovers are very common. I don't work so often during the holidays i've got friends over for the 3 youngers when parents are at work - works well i think :)

Totally agree with wicketkeeper.I actually enjoy having my DC's friends over. I can have anything between 2 and 12 kids here at any given time. There are a few rules to stick to,like respecting me and my property. We all have lunch at the table and very often they bring some food with them. They help clear up afterwards and are on the whole really nice kids. I have just realised I have only read the first page out of 8 [hblush] so forgive me if all of this is said already.... I have had to ban repeat offenders before but most kids get a second chance. We live very close to both my children's schools so have their friends over most days. My DC know what is expected of them and their friends and it just seems to work. As a pleasant side effect my children also get asked back and every now and then I find myself in the house with no children at all,which is also nice [hgrin]

I do not think AT ALL that my DC are perfectly behaved but I despair of other childrens' behaviour in my home so I avoid 'playdates' as much as possible. I agree with what somebody else said in this thread, children spend all day at school so they socialise a lot, why do they need more after school? After school and on weekends I concentrate on family time, chilling time, just being time, siblings playing together time, but I'll admit to feeling quite guilty when I see all the playdates that other kids get up to around us. It does make me question whether my DC are missing out or not. I don't have an answer to that question though.

Hate the term, and hate the weight of expectation that you should be doing them. Have been advised by school that they're really important, for example, not to mention the playground politics. My biggest issue though is with mums who change dates and times at the last minute which is difficult for me cos of work (part time, so some days I can be flexible but not all) and needing to line up childcare.