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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To loathe and despise hosting "playdates"??

228 replies

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 22/10/2011 12:38

I hate it. I hate the term "Playdate" but it's what everyone calls it now...I hate that my ordinarily well behaved DD (7) turns into a monster....I hate the squashed food I find in corners of the house afterwards...I hate the hysteical sqeualing and the way my 3 year old tries to join in (even though they naturally dont want her)

I hate the way I can't relax....I'm always wondering what they're up to....are they in my makeup? trashing the bedrom?

I am sitting here thinking about whether AIBU to never have another until they're old enough to mooch miserably in their bedrooms and only grunt when I speak to them.

OP posts:

PinotScreechio · 24/10/2011 18:47

If you make it all formal and stressy - guess what? Odds are it'll go tits up.
Just relax and let kids have their mates round, without having to fuss and stress about it.
I rather like having a house filled with little people. You're a long time dead, people.

noonar · 24/10/2011 19:06

my dds are 7 and 9.

they are no problem at all as long as they both have a friend over so noone is left out.

those of you who hate them, i think your dc must be quite a bit younger. i do remember the particularly destructive son of my good friend used to up end any drawer, box of lego, box of toys, puzzles... you name it. drove me potty.

the thing that annoys me the most currently about having friends to tea, is having to cater for fussy eaters. know i know you'll think i'm mad, but i do usually have a couple of options up my sleeve eg pasta or sausages as i find that my usual rather lentilly options dont go down well with visitors!

EvilVampireFrog · 24/10/2011 19:35

YABU, I love them :) had three extra here today - a 9, 8 and 6 year old. Didn't see or hear from them for 3 hours, they ate dinner, watched some telly then went home. Lovely

Oh, I don't cater for fussy eaters, and they have to allow the baby to hang out with them. Seems to work, they keep coming back!

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 19:43

"those of you who hate them, i think your dc must be quite a bit younger."

Not here. My DC are 14 and 16 and I have no more desire to play host to anyone else's children than I did when they were 4 and 6.

BlondeBatgirl · 24/10/2011 19:59

Oh no!! Ive got my first playdate tomorrow with ds 3.10 and friend! HELP!!

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 20:03

No way, BlondeBatgirl, I'm not coming to help you! :o I didn't spend all those years not "doing" playdates to help out with other peoples'.

You're on your own, Batgirl! :o

BlondeBatgirl · 24/10/2011 20:17

Oh bugger!!!

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 20:21

noonar · 24/10/2011 21:07

dogs, yes i can imagine there will be a whole lost of reasons to hate a house full of teenagers. i was really thinking in terms of the jumping on furniture/ pasta behind the sofa cushions scenarios... in my head i am thinking 3 yos... but could equally apply to teens, thinking about it

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 21:12

noonar, teenagers are like anyone else whom I don't particularly have anything in common with in my home - a ruddy nuisance and an intrusion upon my peace and quiet! :o

The need for constant cries of "Don't let the dogs out into the street when you open that door!" and the noise level... ugh!

seeker · 24/10/2011 23:25

""those of you who hate them, i think your dc must be quite a bit younger."

Not here. My DC are 14 and 16 and I have no more desire to play host to anyone else's children than I did when they were 4 and 6."

But you're not "playing host"" especially not when they are 14 and 16! They an't your guests, they are your children's guests. You don't expect your children to "play host" to your friends do you? So why play host to theirs?

sunnydelight · 25/10/2011 05:57

I'm a real "hell is other people's children" person and used to loathe them with a passion when my kids were younger but now (a) my kids are older and (b) I just don't take any crap anymore I enjoy the fact that my kids enjoy them and often end up with a house full. Having a gang of happy, friendly older kids who make conversation and tidy up after themselves is fun, having a couple of wailing, toy trashing, fussy eating small kids on the other hand is just a major PITA.

By no. 3 I had perfected my strategy for the ones who just couldn't understand the concept of "my house, my rules", I found a polite phone call to mum saying "x doesn't seem to be enjoying him/herself anymore, I think it's probably best if you come and collect him/her as soon as possible" worked wonders. I'm amazed more people don't do it!

Bucharest · 25/10/2011 06:13

I agree wholeheartedly with sunny's comment about other-people's-children, but absolutely love it when dd has her friends round. It leaves me free to mumsnet work in peace. I shut them all in the bedroom, open the door every half hour or so and throw a biscuit in. Sorted.

Mind, I will not ever,no not never refer to what I'm doing as a "playdate". It's not, it's "getting Rebecca to come round so dd doesn't whinge "what can I doooooooo" all afternoon".

I do think we unnecessarily complicate things sometimes. They're just playing with other people's kids no?

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 07:54

They're just playing with other people's kids no?

I thought so! It is a bit sad that they can't do what we did when young which was just call for people and go off and play.
However I do think that people over complicate it and try and micro manage it. Just make sure your DCs know the rules (e.g. the furniture is not for bouncing on)and then go off and do something and leave them to it. Serve up food-either they like it or they don't and if you put it in bowls to help themselves there is probably something they will eat. If they don't just say to the mother 'I'm sorry, they would only eat bread and butter' or 'they didn't eat much'.
You are not the host-your DC is.

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 07:57

I agree with sunnydelight, I was strict and it never put them off. If they are difficult I found that saying 'I will phone your mother and she will have to collect you', worked wonders.

Bucharest · 25/10/2011 08:07

I think it is the whole micro-manage thing, yes. I know dd's friend's mum is a bit at me being in another room when she comes over. Dd told me that when she was invited over there, for lunch and then to play, they wanted to go off and erm, play, (d'oh)and the mother said to me "and I said, "oh, I'm sorry girls, you can't play yet, I haven't washed the lunch dishes""

Another friend would insist on staying when her daughter came over, so me and her would be sitting making polite conversation in one room while the kids played in another, but her daughter was so obviously used to her mother's omnipresence she would spend most of the time running into where we were "look mummy, mini-Buch has got this" "come and see mummy". It was just a teeth gritting exercise in futility by the end, with dd playing on her own, and her friend showing her mother dd's toys. At least the friend who comes over now has parents like me, who recognise a playdate for what it is, someone else babysitting for an hour or so. They leave her on the doorstep and fetch her back 3 hrs later.

JanePumpkin · 25/10/2011 08:17

yanbu

I only have kids over that live really near, I know their parents really well, it's easyish to take them home if any problems. And mine get to go there too.

I don't bother with the rest, they see each other at school, they're not missing much and some can be very silly - the younger one gets left out though too if we just have one of ds1's pals over. I remember being that younger sister and it's horrible. Three is a crowd.

It depends on your set up though. I have one friend who insists she 'does not do playdates' yet in the past fortnight has had two other boys to her house after school....just not ds, though her son has been here. and created mayhem

I was understanding until now, but she clearly just doesn't want my child. Whatever.

Avoid it totally if you can, unless you have an only child in which case it might be nice once a year or so.

BsshBossh · 25/10/2011 13:54

So, veterans of "playdates" (ha!), does the other parent have to tag along? I like some of my DD (3)'s parents (generally have only met the mums) but don't fancy having to sit and chat with them whilst their DC plays with mine. Would rather leave the DC to play while I do other things.

What's the protocol for pre-schoolers and reception age children?

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 15:44

Once they start school there is no need to have the parent-HOWEVER according to MN you can't let your DC have tea with a school friend unless you have known the mother for at least 3 yrs, have inspected her kitchen, seen the menu and know her parenting philosophy

BsshBossh · 25/10/2011 15:47

Exotic LOL. Thank heavens I live in the real world then .

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 16:02

I sometimes think that I live on a parallel universe!

bitsnbobs · 25/10/2011 16:07

My solution is take them to the park/playbarn for an hour to run off energy. Get back for 5, cook tea whilst they play for HALF AND HOUR upstairs then its downstairs in the lounge where I can see them. Then hometime! Job Done

boglach · 25/10/2011 16:17

My ds has just started school and no playdates yet but I will see

I am not a social butterfly and like my own company, but I want my ds to have friends and for them to be welcome here.

We live in a cul-de-sac where there are a lot of kids anyway. It is quite old fashioned in that they all play out when it is nice and go in and out of each other's houses.

I wouldn't tolerate kids trashing my house though and would expect manners and respect

lottiegb · 25/10/2011 16:26

I am really bemused by this thread - clearly much to learn about things to come!

Many of my happiest childhood memories are of spending afternoons at friends' houses or having them round to mine. At an early age this overlapped with mutually voluntary childcare, when older it was in response to invitation by my friend. We were dropped off. We played. We ate with the host family. We were collected.

Of course there were also unplanned visits, when we'd been playing outside and chose to go back to someone's house but staying for long, or for a meal, was always subject to invitation and confirmation with parents, however spontaneous.

Where does all this hyperactivity, jumping on furniture and nosing around the parents' stuff come from? Visitors abide by the rules of the house, or are sent home (not that that ever happened, we weren't hyper, except perhaps at birthday parties, and respected the authority of other adults).

As an only child I'd have died of boredom if I hadn't been able to spend time with friends and wouldn't have learned to make strong relationships with peers either. I also feel I gained a lot from experiencing the different ways that different families work.

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 16:33

Where does all this hyperactivity, jumping on furniture and nosing around the parents' stuff come from?

People thinking that they can't tell other people's DC off-they seem scared of it.

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