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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To loathe and despise hosting "playdates"??

228 replies

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 22/10/2011 12:38

I hate it. I hate the term "Playdate" but it's what everyone calls it now...I hate that my ordinarily well behaved DD (7) turns into a monster....I hate the squashed food I find in corners of the house afterwards...I hate the hysteical sqeualing and the way my 3 year old tries to join in (even though they naturally dont want her)

I hate the way I can't relax....I'm always wondering what they're up to....are they in my makeup? trashing the bedrom?

I am sitting here thinking about whether AIBU to never have another until they're old enough to mooch miserably in their bedrooms and only grunt when I speak to them.

OP posts:
lottiegb · 25/10/2011 16:42

So having a friend round becomes license to misbehave for their own child?

If you tell off someone else's child and their parent finds this unacceptable, that child won't come back anyway, so your rules are doubly reinforced.

In my day (am I so ancient and out of touch? apparently), they were doubly so because, if told off by the host parent, my behaviour would be reported to my parent, who would tell me off too and probably be cross because by misbehaving I'd demonstrated bad manners so let them down.

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 16:44

The DC know it is unacceptable, whatever they are allowed to do at home. I have threatened to phone their parent and get them to collect and that has been enough. I have never had to do it, but I wouldn't hesitate and I think that they read that in my body language.

BleurghUna · 25/10/2011 17:01

I don't see why it's so difficult. Tell them which roooms are out of bounds. Do popular foods (eg fish fingers). Tell them if they don't behave they won't be invited back. Keep them outdoors as much as possibel.
Playdates are worth doing because the guest child's parents will probably reciprocate!

Bucharest · 25/10/2011 17:18

And surely when we were kids we were terrified of other people's parents anyway? I know I was. Ernest-up-the-street made me tremble. I'd certainly never have misbehaved in his house!

lottiegb · 25/10/2011 17:36

Worth doing because of reciprocation definitely and, because this is how children learn to maintain friendships and develop a social life, skills essential for adulthood.

StopRainingPlease · 25/10/2011 19:46

"Where does all this hyperactivity, jumping on furniture and nosing around the parents' stuff come from? Visitors abide by the rules of the house, or are sent home (not that that ever happened, we weren't hyper, except perhaps at birthday parties, and respected the authority of other adults)."

Kids don't seem the same as when we were young, I'm not sure why. We had a party when my DD was about 6, and while we were waiting for all the guests to arrive some of the boys went into my and DH's room and started bouncing on the bed Shock. When I was a kid, friends' parents' rooms were out of bounds, never mind bouncing on the bed. And when we started the games, such as pass the parcel, said boys thought they were much too cool for such childish games and would rather have run round madly trashing our house Hmm.

StopRainingPlease · 25/10/2011 19:48

Actually, to add to that last post, maybe the party thing is partly because so many kids parties are full of running around now - theyt are at soft play centres etc. where the focus is on physical activity. When I was that age no-one would have dreamt of hiring somewhere, kids parties were all in the house and the activities were organised games or maybe dancing.

usualsuspect · 25/10/2011 19:49

I've never had a child here yet ,that trashed my house and I've had a more than a few round over the years

JaneBirkin · 26/10/2011 08:31

I've had things broken, made a mess of, thown around the room, but only by kids I knew really well who were just sick of their parents leaving them here all the time and started to act like they lived here, or were fed up because they were bored and frankly I didn't know what to do with them for 7 hours so it was probably my fault.

I have however had a child here who ignored me, was really defiant and he didn';t come round again.

Now I only have kids that I get on with...whether or not ds does is another matter, but if I don't get on with them and I mean, face to face grown up talking to each other and reasonable behaviour, they aren't coming round. Even if they are great kids, if they refuse to look at me and talk to me about anything, sorry but no. And sometimes that happens because they are just shy but I can't have them here if we can't talk properly and understand each other.

Original poster
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/10/2011 09:14

lottie I don't think ALL kids need to be with others all the time though...you say you would have died of boredom....and that might be true for you, but I spent hours alone through choice....there were always local kids to play with but I liked being alone, not all kids thrive on constant company.

My DD is somewhere in the middle....but thank God we have cousins and some fami friends with DC who have mannners and play well...some of the DC I have met through DDs school are awful.

OP posts:
lottiegb · 26/10/2011 10:45

Mumbling, I didn't say all the time. I spent vast amounts of time alone as a child, have always been good at this, read a lot etc.

Without going to others' houses, so being able to maintain friendships (and gaining some insight into others' norms and differences), I'd have had a very narrow, limited childhood experience though. Also, I'm not seeing posts here saying that people avoid 'playdates' because their children would prefer to be alone, rather because the adults find them difficult.

lottiegb · 26/10/2011 11:02

Something I realised thinking about this, is how much my childhood friendships were engineered by parents. There was a set of family friends established before or during pregnancy / babyhood, with children the same age. Pre-school childcare was shared among PT working mothers and these were the children I remained friends with in nursery and primary school, though adding others myself as I went along.

So, the parents did a lot of choosing about which families had similar values, the children knew the parents talked to each other, as well as being familiar with each others' houses and rules form quite early.

I think that basic socialisation helped too when I spent time at the houses of child-minders and new people and with fitting in easily with others in later life.

If you have cousins nearby I'd say that's really lucky, mine and my grandparents were in a different country.

DogsBeastFiend · 26/10/2011 11:21

A very belated response to seekers comment to me, which was:

"But you're not "playing host"" especially not when they are 14 and 16! They an't your guests, they are your children's guests. You don't expect your children to "play host" to your friends do you? So why play host to theirs?"

I have a small house seeker and 3 large dogs which fill it! There is no escape from visitors and I prefer my peace and quiet.

seeker · 26/10/2011 11:36

Ah. Well, I don't really understand dog people either, so I don't think we'll have a meeting of minds! :)

DogsBeastFiend · 26/10/2011 11:38

:) seeker.

ZZZenAgain · 26/10/2011 11:56

I know Bucharest, I know, when the dc are 3 ok if the mums /dads want to be there, fair enough, but dd has just turned 11 and tbh I wonder why I still have to entertain a parent when the dd comes over.

This is one of my dd's best friends I'm speaking of. The girl is a year older , so 12, can go about here and there and play out unaccompanied but when she comes to our house (which is a walk no more than she does unaccompanied to her piano lesson for example), the mother comes too.

I hate it. She is alright but she has a downer on the world, life, the unfairness of things. It is all a bit gloomy and heavy. I find it a trial. The girls are no problem. They go in dd's bedroom, close the door and giggle for hours.

I'd love having that girl round if I could just have her without the mum

exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 12:12

I would find an excuse, just say 'I would love to have Lucy over, but I'm afraid that she will have to come on her own because I have some letters to write which must be done today.

ZZZenAgain · 26/10/2011 12:13

yes, I will have to think of something. That's not bad, thanks

exoticfruits · 26/10/2011 12:18

If it is too difficult wean her slowly as in 'I must get on-just pop in for a cup of tea before you take her home'.

DamnDeDoubtance · 27/10/2011 10:07

God I HATE playdates.

DD is an only so I feel obliged to have them.

She has a fabulous set of friends and they all have a super time.

Its just me, I cannot relax with other kids in the house.

Luckily I am a fabulous actor . Grin

biryani · 27/10/2011 10:28

Fine as long as they are good. Some of DD's friends used to go through my (dirty) laundry basket and run around the house in my (dirty) knickers!!

Otherwise ok if they can be left to get on with it. I hate having to be judged by other parents too, which invariably happens if you are host. I'd rather just kick them out into the park which used to be the case when I was an ankle-biter, but no, that's not good enough these days, is it? (didn't do me no 'arm, mind...)

DamnDeDoubtance · 27/10/2011 10:35

I always take them to the park for a good looooooong time.

Then herd them into the garden.

I always have some creative stuff set up or do some baking with them.

I prefer to take them home myself so you can just round them up and ship em back.

They are all really nice great kids who behave really well, as does DD.

I just cannot relax as I keep waiting for them to fall off the trampoline or impale themselves on something.

I really need to relax but at 40 doubt I can change now.

PureBloodMuggle · 27/10/2011 10:38

It really depends on the children involved

Had three of DS1's friends over yesterday , one of them went home early (I didn't send him home mind just his mum had said to me I'll collect him at XX time and I didn't disagree despite knowing the others would be collected later) and I'm unlikely to have him here again unless I'm put in a similar position as for this 'play date' by DS1!! Rude, hyperactive and with selective hearing. At one point screamed at DS2 "I'm going to smash the tv on your head" and only calmed down for a while after I chastised him about this

Also another of the three I don't think I'd look forward to coming over again, he's nice in the sense he doesn't exclude DS2 and in fact actively involves him in any play/actively but his cries of 'this is boring' about everything they were doing irked (though stopped once I told him to stop being rude and that he'd be sorting the socks if I heard it again). He ate nothing, except bread, and demanded sweets and crisps frequently.

The third boy is great and I'd happily have him over every day. He's polite, knows when enough is enough and tidies up!!! Luckily for me he's DS1's 'best friend' of the three.

Familydilemma · 27/10/2011 10:51

I dont like them because dd becomes very possessive over her things-almost like a three year old or younger. Try to do neutral stuff like art and craft instead but that makes it high maintenance for me. Would love them to go to dd's room to giggle - sounds lovely!

GreatGooglyMoogly · 27/10/2011 11:17

I don't like them. The DSs are 2 years apart and if they have a friend each then the two groups spy on/ annoy each other, but if only one of them has a friend and has to be included there can be some resentment/ difficulty with three. Our garden is a good size but the house and rooms are small and we don't have cool toys (but live in an affluent part of the country). I also don't allow TV/ computer/ Wii when friends are over. What do other people's boys play with inside with their friends?! The DSs' friends complain they're bored and there's nothing they want to play with :(.