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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To loathe and despise hosting "playdates"??

228 replies

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 22/10/2011 12:38

I hate it. I hate the term "Playdate" but it's what everyone calls it now...I hate that my ordinarily well behaved DD (7) turns into a monster....I hate the squashed food I find in corners of the house afterwards...I hate the hysteical sqeualing and the way my 3 year old tries to join in (even though they naturally dont want her)

I hate the way I can't relax....I'm always wondering what they're up to....are they in my makeup? trashing the bedrom?

I am sitting here thinking about whether AIBU to never have another until they're old enough to mooch miserably in their bedrooms and only grunt when I speak to them.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 23/10/2011 18:11

My children's friends have always been reasonably well behaved, more so than they behave at home, I suspect. If they were not civil, I doubt my children would be friends with them anyway.

Don't recognise some of the behaviour described here.

Chandon · 23/10/2011 18:15

suspect, my kids play with neighbour kids and also have "play dates" with friends from school. It isn't either-or.

Wonder if there is a big difference in experience between mums of girls and mums of boys????

I have 2 boys, and adding 1 or 2 more (6-8 year olds) seems to lead to bonkers behaviour and egging eachother on to do "naughty things"

usualsuspect · 23/10/2011 18:19

Maybe its because my kids went to the local school with the local kids then

Xenia · 23/10/2011 19:25

I have noticed no gender differences at all but then my girls were proper tom boys, tree climbing the works as they are brought up in a non sexist home.

BsshBossh · 23/10/2011 19:37

I'm not bothered by the term "playdate" - in my view it's how our national language/vocabulary expands to incorporate other countries' terms. I'm not bothered by the concept either: where we live, parents work such different hours and have children who do a variety of after school activities that we have to fix play dates up in advance because very few families are around at the same times during the week.

It's all very different from my own 70s childhood where most of my friends had SAHMs and very few structured extra-curricular activities. Then it was easy to pop round with no notice.

Original poster
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 23/10/2011 20:46

Usual....we live in a city and the kids at school come from far and wide....about a 6 mile radius... There is one other child in our road and her Mum won't let her out...the cul de sac is quiet but she's stuck indoors. She's 8 and my DD is 7...I let DD out on her bike, she knows the rules. the other child looks out of the window and waves sadly.

Sad

Kids dont begin calling for each other till around 11 or 12.

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 23/10/2011 22:14

TurkeyBurgerThing

I also hate that because I have a larger house and garden that it's ALWAYS me who hosts them.

exoticfruits · 23/10/2011 22:22

Erm. Call me old fashioned, but does no-one use the word 'No!' anymore? You hate them climbing on the expensive furniture?? Tell them not to. You don't want them to trash the house?? Tell them not to. You don't want them to trample food into your carpet - well, you know what to do

I agree with wicketkeeper above.
You are the adult-it is your house so make sure they follow your rules. They don't mind a few boundries, they just accept that you are a bit strict and they do it your way. It never stopped any of my DCs friends wanting to come around.
Of course you can tell other people's DCs off if you are looking after them.

jellybeans · 23/10/2011 22:30

I do it but not that often as am so busy with my own 5 DC and activities we have on-aswell as DH often being on nights etc. I used to get annoyed with certain parents constantly mithering to have my DSs several nights a week! I find some parents prefer other kids round as it's easier for them. But my kids have always played well together-I didn't feel the need for other kids round but it is nice for them so I do it. I find sleepovers hard though and there are certain kids I haven't invited again as they were such hard work.

vess · 23/10/2011 22:49

I think kids should socialise on neutral teritory more - ie meet at the playground, etc. Kids need opportunities to play with friends every day (apart from school), and I find it quite sad that they can't. DD1 is very sociable and would love to play with friends every day, but arranging playdates is complicated and it's just not the same. Too organised. Too micro-managed. But at least it's something.

MrsPennySworth · 23/10/2011 23:00

I kind of dread them as well but still do them for ds1 sake. Tbh though I don't think I would mind them so much if I didn't have my 2 younger dc to look after too. Ds1 is 6 in a couple of weeks so I've only had about a year of the "playdates" so far but I find it stressful with ds2 who is 4 running round after them (and getting upset when they don't want to play with him!) and a 13 month old dd as well to look after. Do find it a bit chaotic and feel relieved when it's all over! I guess I'm one of those miserable mums as well but I just feel like I have enough on my plate looking after my own 3 let alone other kids too! I'm hoping it will get easier as they all get older but then of course I'll have 3 lots of childrens mates to have round... Confused

sunnyday123 · 23/10/2011 23:08

you are all scaring me - i have my first on wednesday! 2 kids round with my own 2 - worried now!

seeker · 24/10/2011 07:13

Don't worry, sunny. This is one of those subjects where mumsnet is rather.....odd.

99.9% of parents in the real world have their children's friends round to tea and to play all the time and everyone has a lovely time.

tigermoth · 24/10/2011 07:37

I do think it's important that children can have their friends back home sometimes - agree with MI. It's their home too and you, as host, lay down the house rules. If a child is persistently hellish, just don't invite them again.

Yes, it can be a hassle but you do also (with luck) get the benefit of parents reciprocating and inviting your child back for a playdate. That gives some precious freedom!

I was an only child with no cousins my age living nearby. If my mother had forbidden me to have my friends round I would never, ever have had the experience of playing with other children in my own home. My two sons are in a similar situation - no cousins and with a 5 year age gap between them, they couldn't play together on equal terms when they were younger. Playdates filled that gap.

And I do think they help cement friendships made at school - and not just between children. I had a job so wasn't around the school gates every day. Hosting playdates gave me a way to get to know the other parents at school better.

yawningmonster · 24/10/2011 08:02

I have just discovered the joys of playdates and while they can be a bit stressful I have to say all in all it is worth it. Ds has aspergers and has had reluctance in having kids over or going to theirs until recently. He only has one or two places where he is comfortable to go and to be honest there is nothing those kids can do here that will take away my joy at his attempts to enter the social world of his peers and the fact that their mothers are willing to take him on as he is the sofa jumping, won't eat food you offer, whining, occasionally tantruming and probably dreading it but they are my absolute heroes and as I say those kids can bring it on as there is not much they could throw at me that ds hasn't trained me up for!!!

TheBolter · 24/10/2011 08:17

I've always been quite in to having lots of children round. Most of the dds friends are fab - although one in particular is never allowed to darken our doors again.

As a member of the benign neglect school of parenting I find it easier to have the dds entertained by their friends rather than me. Grin

TheBolter · 24/10/2011 08:19

And also, I'm quite strict. I have no qualms in telling other people's children not to do things. I'm not a tyrant, just firm with them, I would never want to upset a child who is in a strange house, intentionally. My house, my rules.

exoticfruits · 24/10/2011 08:25

This is one of those subjects where mumsnet is rather.....odd.

99.9% of parents in the real world have their children's friends round to tea and to play all the time and everyone has a lovely time.

I agree, it is no big deal-I was like TheBolter-much easier to let them entertain each other. There is no need to micro manage or get involved-if they say they are bored that is their problem although I found they generally found something to do, especially if you refuse to get involved, bar a few suggestions.
If they start to bounce on furniture etc just tell them, in no uncertain terms, to stop it at once! You also don't have to have the DC back.

exoticfruits · 24/10/2011 08:26

I must have been OK, despite being the old dragon-it was always difficult to get them to go at the end!

Xenia · 24/10/2011 08:26

Yes, you're in charge. Just tell them no. Most children tend to obey. I think my children have not tended to be friends with trouble makers so we've never had very bad children here.

I have had children looking for junk food through my cupboards and there was none. They carried on. They couldn't believe there wasn't a stash of chocolate in the house. It was very funny.

My older son's friends in groups of 8 aged 15/16 would always come here in preference for anywhere else as it's a fairly large house. That was the most challenging but even so I got to see how good teenage boys can be to each other (people don't give them enough credit) and I would rather they drank here than in parks. That is obviously an issue for some of you when children get older. Also the other issue as they get older is sex. None of my children have had a boyfriend or girl friend (as far as I know) before they went to university so it was never an issue.

seeker · 24/10/2011 08:30

And I think people get themselves into the wrong mindset if you're thinking in terms of hosting playdates rather than your dc having a friend round to play. Honestly, it's no big deal- it's not a party!

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 24/10/2011 08:37

Take child home with yours from school, inform them firmly that they are Not To Bother You While Working, and produce pasta at 6pm. Everyone seems happy that way.

Grin Yes, this is how I remember the playdates of my youth. Endless games of unsupervised Pompom 123 in the garden and a penguin biscuit.

exoticfruits · 24/10/2011 08:41

You are not hosting-your DC is-you are merely supplying the venue and the food.

SeaShellsOnTheSeaShore · 24/10/2011 09:47

The term playmate really makes my teeth itch.

I love having my friend's dc around...there are rules, but I can't imagine my children not having friends over to play. I spent my childhood out in the cul de sac playing with all the kids in the street. We used to traipse in to each other's gardens and the disappear off to the park or wood.

I don't see why I should deny them that social contact...what do you do instead? Chuck'em in front of the tv or Xbox? That way no furniture get damaged, just their brain's development, phew Hmm

GetOrfMo1Land · 24/10/2011 18:34

I also hate the term playdate - I just had dd's friends around for dinner and to play. No need for a song or dance really. I tended (when she was young) to only have her friends around on a Friday or during the holidays/weekends due to working FT, but I really liked having her friends around as she is an only child. Nobody trashed the house, or went in my bedroom, and if someone was a bit boisterous I asked them to stop what they were doing.

It is lovely having teens around - nothiung scary happens when they hit 13. They are just enormous and take up more space (and eat more stuff Grin).