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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To loathe and despise hosting "playdates"??

228 replies

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 22/10/2011 12:38

I hate it. I hate the term "Playdate" but it's what everyone calls it now...I hate that my ordinarily well behaved DD (7) turns into a monster....I hate the squashed food I find in corners of the house afterwards...I hate the hysteical sqeualing and the way my 3 year old tries to join in (even though they naturally dont want her)

I hate the way I can't relax....I'm always wondering what they're up to....are they in my makeup? trashing the bedrom?

I am sitting here thinking about whether AIBU to never have another until they're old enough to mooch miserably in their bedrooms and only grunt when I speak to them.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 23/10/2011 11:18

I live in the same parallel universe as usualsuspect.

seeker · 23/10/2011 11:24

On a more serious note, is this another manifestation of " the fear of the other" that seems to beset our society? Or is that far to pompous a thought to articulate?

BastardDog · 23/10/2011 11:31

Im old fashioned and don't do play dates. Sometimes my kids have friends round to play, but not often if I can help it. They see each other all day at school and outside of school hours if they want to play together, why can't they play outside?

My dd has always been into having friends to tea and going to their houses for tea. She's year 6 now and I was hoping she'd grown out of it, but apparently not. I work now 3 days a week which gives me a marvellous excuse as I'm not home until 5 and she has to go to after school club on those days.

Both my ds and dd have a couple of nice friends who are no bother to have at our house and if its too cold or wet to play out then I'm quite happy for them to play here (not all at the same time though, that is a recipe for chaos). My dd has 2 friends who are loud, shrieky and boisterous and I have an endless list of excuses for why they can't come to our house to play or for tea.

motherinferior · 23/10/2011 11:37

It is entirely possible that my children's friends are unnaturally well-behaved or something, as I never seem to have witnessed these Scenes of Carnage

I've always been more than happy to have their mates round after school - I've just started working full-time outside the house, but when I was freelancing it was extremely simple. Take child home with yours from school, inform them firmly that they are Not To Bother You While Working, and produce pasta at 6pm. Everyone seems happy that way.

I like seeing my friends too. Why shouldn't my girls?

Original poster
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 23/10/2011 11:59

seeker I am afraid you'll need to eplain that concept further because I'm thick no familiar with it.

OP posts:
aliceliddell · 23/10/2011 13:07

I hope I'll reap the benefits during teen age when we get to know the mates and can predict potential idiocy from each one a bit more accurately. Is this wildly overoptimistic?

jamandposterpaint · 23/10/2011 13:28

Ah but then they'll be in high school with a whole new batch of potential idiots friends ...Wink

Original poster
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 23/10/2011 14:21

That''s what I was going to say jam! It all goes pear shaped then according to my sister....

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 23/10/2011 14:22

My teenage DS has lovely mates ,they are all welcome in my house too

why would it go pearshaped?

aliceliddell · 23/10/2011 14:44

I mean from the pov of establishing ground rules with dd re what we expect of her and herfriends iyswim

KittyFane · 23/10/2011 15:15

I hate the term 'play date' - so much so that when an old friend sent me a message to meet up and went on to say 'for a play date' - I declined.
Just bring the children over, no need for 'play date'.

KittyFane · 23/10/2011 15:19

alice- optimistic maybe to think that the carefully selected 'play dates' arranged when DD are small will be their teenage friends!

worraliberty · 23/10/2011 15:21

Blimey at the age of 7 there's no way they should be trashing the bedroom or in your make up Shock

aliceliddell · 23/10/2011 15:23

kitty I fear you may be right, but dd is with her oldest friend, the 1st one ever to come to lunch, for friend's 12th bday today. The others are more Hmm, newer and of unknown evilness

MrBloomsNursery · 23/10/2011 15:26

My 3 year old has a playdate next week....I would never have instigated this whole play date shenanigan, but the other girl's mother thought it was sweet how they always talk about going to each others houses at nursery.

DD has already been around to her friends house once already, and I just couldn't build up the energy for her to come to ours, but it's getting a bit embarrassing now, as I feel the other mother will think I'm a horrible person. We already have so many friends and family, and I don't feel DD is missing out on friendships because she has plenty, but I guess I have to go along with it. 3 years old...I thought this "coming around for tea" crap started when children were like 5 and in school:(

StopRainingPlease · 23/10/2011 15:46

Reciprocity varies I guess. My DD had a friend round several times (maybe 6-10, can't remember) including some lunches. DD wasn't asked back once. Confused I wouldn't expect one-for-one, but that seemed pretty rude to me.

Anyway, I wasn't particularly taken with this girl, but my daughter liked her, so fine, but I reached my limit when she'd been asked round one Sunday and didn't turn up. DD in tears at non-appearance of friend. I phoned house and mum's mobile, no answer on either, then on Monday at school the girl casually said, "Oh yeah, we went to my gran's." Hmm

usualsuspect · 23/10/2011 15:50

It all sounds so formal

wheres the spontaneity of calling for your friends now

MowlemB · 23/10/2011 16:19

Usual, the two are not mutually exclusive you know. My Dd never has playdates with children who live in our road - she just goes to call for them. But this isn't the 70s any more and Going to the other end of the village (for her, a half hour walk) isn't acceptable for 7 year olds to be doing these things alone. Hence the need for children who live at some distance, a more formal playdate.

usualsuspect · 23/10/2011 16:30

My kids were doing it in the 90s

but I accept maybe its where you live

Acinonyx · 23/10/2011 16:50

I just don't recognise these experiences. We do a lot of playdates (don't care what they are called) and love them. We have ground rules that developed over the first few months by trial and error. I always ask other mum about food preferences and we generally do some universally child-friendly staple - nothing too taxing. If that doesn't work out (happens now and again), I offer bread and butter as an alternative.

I consider myself rather weak on the discipline front but no way do I tolerate some of the stuff described here. I feed them, but other wise leave them completely to it.

Also agree that you can't just call for a friend unless they live in the same street. And dd and friends have complicated schedules as all the mums work at least PT. We generally book at least 2 weeks ahead.

Xenia · 23/10/2011 17:13

Many of us would never use such an American phrase but I have had my children's friends here for years and it's very easy. On the other hand I don't hjave many possessions and I don't think it's often anything has been broken. Most children are pretty respectful of things in the house of another.

It's often casual here because of a near friend who was here last night etc. Niow they are older they fix it themselves and usually tell me in advance.

Just do what you prefer. No one obliges you to have other children. DOn't if you don't want to. There is no n eed for people to conform to herd norms. Do what feels right for you. For example I would never want to accompany the child and talk to the other parents so never have in 27 years. I tend to prefer the other children here because I dont' have to be involved or drive anyone anywhere.

begonyabampot · 23/10/2011 17:17

I'd love to live somewhere where my kids could just call in for friends or play safely out in the street. Luckily the neighbours have kids so they pop round to their house and garden.

helpmabob · 23/10/2011 17:53

Ground rules don't work when the friends have special needs. I find these playdates really tough but I do love the kids and their mums so I just need to find a way to manage it better - Any ideas?

I am mixed about playdates. When they go well they are a relief from my kids moaning and fighting with each other but when they go badly it is hell on earth. I get a lot of trouble from my 3 year old wanting to join in, the older two fighting and/or the friends being difficult. The thing is I do want to know if mine misbehave at someone else's house so I can deal with it but I am too chicken to tell another mum of their kid misbehaves. I find it all a bit of a minefield. And sorry but some kids just won't listen.

But the thing I hate the most is the mess. I loathe it but what can you do? Unfortunately we live in a busy city and kids just don't go out to play like I did as a kid so I think playdates are more important now as the poor kids lack so much of the freedom I had. That doesn't mean I have to like them though.

catinthestripyhat · 23/10/2011 17:56

The last one I had a picture frame and a lamp got broken by the visiting child. I was not impressed Angry

Chandon · 23/10/2011 18:07

I am not crazy about them, but do it every now and then.

I am not worried if the other kids don't like me though. I expect them to respect me as an adult.

So I often have to "police" a bit in the beginning, saying: "no climbing on the furniture", "you are not allowed in the parents' room" etc. I also tell them off if they are rude ("yuk! really don't like this food".) I am always friendly, I just have very clear rules otherwise I'd go mad.

If they go hyper I turf them out for a bit