to not have step kids while I have Chemo?

[bessyboots]

AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?

She relies on us to have them as she works full time, but I am worried about catching an infection from them. I have my own DS who is 8.

Another cancer survivor here - we can't presume that the OPs chemo will be every 3 weeks, different cancers have different drugs have different regimes.

Mine was every 2 weeks. Once I'd had a couple I learned when I would be at my worse (from memory, for me about day 3 to 5 inclusive) then you start to feel better. The best thing for me was to maintain a positive outlook and try to live as normally as possible. My step-children are grown up but if they hadn't have been I certainly wouldn't have been saying "not in my house for the next 6 months" although I would probably have asked for a bit of slack.

I was also rushed in twice during chemo, once because they thought I had an infection and once because I was being sick for 10 hours solid - so this is a possibility, but all these bridges will need to be crossed when you come to them OP

I have 4 children and obviously they were here the whole time I was ill. The other problem with chemo is they say something like 12 treatments, every 2 weeks. So in your head you work out when it will end. Unfortunately it's not that simple. When your blood is checked if your fighter cells are not high enough, you get sent home for a week. Once I got sent home two weeks in a row! I finally finished chemo 3 months later than I thought because my body just couldn't cope with it every 2 weeks.

OP everything at the moment for you is so uncertain, the one thing I would advise you to hang onto is the constant and the normality - and the normality is that the step-children SHOULD be visiting in the usual time slots and ask the ex-wife for some slack when you physically need it. If nothing else they will take your mind off what you're going through, even for a short time

good luck with your treatment

Sad for you to be going through this but more sad for your stepchildren who will be abandoned by their father. Really don't understand that. He seems to have chosen his child with you above his children with his first wife. The ramifications of this will last a life time. You know YABU but I'm not sure you have really thought this through.

It's a long 6 months ahead, the OP needs to apologise to the ex, "Actually I was being unreasonable, I realise that now, I'm sorry, I'm scared and upset" - the ex sounds pretty sympathetic, I'm sure she'll understand, so they can start again and organise something reasonable.

YABVU . Breast cancer, unless it is in advanced stage, will not make you so unwell (except maybe on days immediately following chemo) that you can't use the loo on your own.

And I am speaking as someone with a long family history of breast cancer. My mum and aunts have gone through the treatment and have held their jobs and managed large families through out.

I do agree, the initial days pass in a blur and confusion. So, I am hoping that your knee jerk reaction to your diagnosis can be attributed to your shock. I am deeply sorry for your illness.

But please try to keep your life as normal as possible (easier said than done!). You will be a lot happier if you keep friends and family close during this period. Your step DC don't carry any more health risk than your own DS and DP.

Just ask DP to ensure that they use antibacterial hand sanitiser during visits (as you all should) and not visit you on weekends when they are unwell.

Please don't allow this difficult time in your life to be a source of bitterness and resentment in your dear ones.

Somehow, I'll bet you'll want your DH to 'father' your child during this six months!

Tbh words fail me, I am truly sorry that you are going through and hope it all goes well, however you and your DH sound pretty bloody selfish!

Actually Boo, that's a good point.

To be fair, you should really send your DS to live with his father for the six months.

I think Boo pretty much sums it up.

Sorry to hear about your cancer but it's clear to me that his kids are not your priority and I'm actually pretty shocked your OH has caved in so weakly.

Your excuse of worried about catching an infection is pretty weak given you have an 8yr old and his older children will be around less and more likely to be able to keep themselves cleaner to minimise risks.

I actually suspect there's another motive afoot but I'd probably be deemed an unsympathetic bastard to pull at that piece of string further given your cancer.

Hope you get well soon

OP I'm really sorry you are ill, but YABU. His kids present no more risk than yours and they need proper time with their dad.

I hope this is a wind-up. Otherwise, I feel for these two kids. Their father is a weak-willed bastard.

I hope this isn't a wind up as joking/faking about chemo is desperately offensive.

But I agree with Boo and others - I am very sorry for the stressful and worrying situation you are in. But those children must still come first and see their father no matter what the circumstances. I feel quite angry at the selfishness you are both displaying over this matter.

Jesus Christ!

How many of the OP's critics have actually had to cope with both raising a young child and fighting breast cancer? Not many, I suspect.

The poor woman is staring a potential death sentence in the face, with bloody horrible treatment ahead of her, is probably emotionally ripped apart and she has her OWN child who is EIGHT, not 12 or 14, who will need more of BOTH his parents' attention and reassurance at this time. The OP has suggested that their father sees them for days and merely asks that she isn't host to two teenagers whilst she is undergoing a treatment which can and sadly often does present extremely unpleasant side affects. It's not as if the SDs are being rejected or abandoned FGS! If the 12 and 14 year olds can't understand that, shame on them.

The younger of my 2 girls is 14 - she'd understand. She was 5 when I was undergoing breast cancer surgeries and subsequent treatment, her sister 6.

This whole "put the child first" attitude has really gone too far this time... and if a child should be put first here, it is Bessy's, not her partner's.

What do the posters mean re 'reverse AIBU', do you mean posted by mother?

DogsBeast - everyone has been deeply sympathetic to OP concerning her health, but there is no point being anything other than honest about this.
We can't just look at this from OP's perspective. Because some of us - myself- included were the kids who were neglected by their dads in favour of a new family. The scars never heal.
And some posters on here who disagree with OP's attitude have also undergone treatment for breast cancer.

OMG they are your dh/p's children, why on earth do they have to be excluded because you are ill...it sounds tbh you want them out of your way for 6 months and sadly are using your illness (which I am sorry about) to reject them. Are you jealous of the girls relationship with him at all? Why would you allow your 8 yr old to stay with you but say no to his kids? That is mean !

Dogsbestfriend they are a family and therefore in it together even though the older kids live with their mum. There's no reason for them to be kept away and they could even be a big help. Shutting them out at a delicate time in their lives would be horrid. They may 'understand' on the surface of it but underneath would feel pushed out and likes dads wife and their half sibling are more important.

DBF - the OP's DS is not with her DH iyswim?

Also, I am very sympathetic to the OP's situation wrt cancer treatment but at the end of the day for her to completely close out two children for six months is just unfair, especially when the ex needed help a few months ago and she refused to help as much as she could have.

FWIW I coped with a child with a tumour, another child with an illness, and a "normal" child in the middle of them, worked full time and had a useless husband. I faced the fact that my child might not survive. Not the same as breast cancer, but still a body blow. And when he was diagnosed I was 8 weeks pregnant. With twins. And lost one of the twins.

I don't think anyone has been cruel, just flabbergasted that the OP would think that it's OK to get rid of the step kids for the duration.

I suspect this is a reverse AIBU.

I'm another one who hopes this is a turn-around thread.

If not then...

You are being very unreasonable. Your husband is, too, to go along with what you've said.

Those poor kids, with nobody wanting them. Their mum just wants to go off with her boyfriend, their dad is being influenced by a very unreasonable woman and their stepmother is vile.

When the ex was ill last year, didn't you ever think of karma when you didn't treat her well?

This sounds very much like a reverse AIBU to me.

OP if you are the ex and your childrens' step mother is in this situation then I think you need to see her request as what it probably is, i.e. a knee jerk reaction to the prospect of undergoing chemo and dealing with teenage children - someone else's teenage children at that.

I am a step mum to teenagers and although I don't know what I would do, I suspect that in that position I would feel like saying "just please don't anyone come near me 'til this is over" In reality I know I wouldn't get away with banishing them for six months and wouldn't dare suggest it .

Either way - reverse AIBU or not, some understanding on both sides is needed here and it shouldn't be impossible to reach a compromise of sorts so that the Dad gets to see his children but the step mother is not leaned upon, put at unnecessary risk of infection, and has her privacy to feel god awful sick in her own home when she needs to. There must be a workable way around this.

Good luck to all.

I very much disagree lubey and would go so far to say that at their age if they were my girls and "felt pushed out" by the life-threatening illness suffered by their father's DP they would bloody well be expected to get on with it and be told to learn some sympathy, respect and understanding for others.

I feel very strongly about this so I will say no more but to repeat that IMHO the world should not revolve around children's feelings to the detriment of others' welfare.

dogsbeast How very presumptious of you,many of us who have posted have taken full care of very young dc,s during breats cancer treatment and as it is unfortunately increasing in younger women it is also a very common scenario that many families face.
The op is not being expected to be soley responsible for a young child (apart from her own) but sit by and allow her dh's children to visit their father once a bloody fortnight and they are not young.
Its not about putting anyone first its about continuing to take responsibility for ones children unconditionally as her own will be.

I agree with Dogsbestfriend. All this chemo is OK, you will be fine, its only a couple of days cycle stuff is utter utter crap.

Everyone is different, chemo regimes are different (mine was every two weeks for six months,and I had low WBc to start with)
Did i need help going to the loo - yes, the lining of my gut was stripped away, I had diarrhoea almost constantly, and the meds didn't stop it. Luckily I have a DH who didn't mind clearing up shit - I wouldn't have wanted extra kids in the house to see it though.

I was hospitalised and nearly died (and I'm not exaggerating) - because yes someone gave me an infection, which turned into multiple infections. Someone who didn't quite get 'don't come near me if you have an infection' - I had to see my children looking at me through a glass hospital door, and wondering if i would make it.

Its not the fucking 'cancer card', Its cancer, its a life threatening illness, its emotionally draining and physically exhausting. Some people may be lucky enough to sail through, - many experience the whole gamut of SE's.

None of you have any idea how the OP will be affected, she gets to decide what she does and doesn't want to deal with, its the one time in your life you do get to be a bit selfish, and yes others have to be a bit considerate of your needs.

OP - I wish you the very very best in your recovery, I hope very much you don't have problems during chemo, many folk, possibly the majority don't and I'm not wishing to scare you - just pointing out possibilities, which you will have been told already.

You might find you can have the children over, at points, who knows, - but you are quite right to say, 'if I feel ghastly, then for that short period of time I am my number one priority' Its not selfishness, it's self preservation and it's a powerful instinct.

If you need any support or hand holding while you're going through this, come and join us on the tamoxifen thread on health, - you'll be made very welcome

DBF - but you wouldn't send your own kids away for 6 months would you?

You would have them around and at 12 and 14 give them a boot up the backside and tell them to help as much as possible and be caring, sympathetic, practically helpful.

The world shouldn't revolve around kids feelings to the detriment of others, agree totally, but nor should the kids be kicked out of their relationship with their father and put firmly at the bottom of the pile just because their step mother is suffering from cancer and is going to have treatment for that cancer. If they were her own kids she wouldn't send them away.

So why should the stepkids be sent away?

OP, I absolutely sympathize with you! My dh was recovering from a serious stroke, in a wheel chair and mentally confused, but I kept working full time and taking four dsc every weekend. His ex was sahm with a partner.

When my dm was diagnozed with pancreatic cancer in the country 4 hr flight away and given 6 months to live I decided to commute every other weekend to that country. I was at the end of my tether emotionally and physically and informed dh's ex that I will not be able to look after dsc during this time. I was told I am selfish, I am inconsiderate, she also needs some time off to recharge her batteries, and of course the compulsory I am the bad step-, my dh is a bad dad (dh had a carer to look after him at that stage as it was not safe to leave him on his own) and dsc are our responsibility to sort out, not hers on those dates. Lovely woman.

ledkr - its not presumptious of DGF, its presumptious of those who have taken care of young children and managed well on chemo, to assume everyone will react the same as them. The implication is that if you struggle on chemo, you need to pull yourself together and get a grip, just because some people have an easier time.

There's a huge amount of variables involved, how dare anyone dictate to another person how they should behave when they have cancer, - there's no rules with this illness, you do what you need to do to get through.