to not have step kids while I have Chemo?

[bessyboots]

AIBU to have emailed OH's ex wife to tell her we will be unable to have his children (we have them every other weekend) aged 12 & 14 for at least 6 months while I undergo Chemo for breast cancer?

She relies on us to have them as she works full time, but I am worried about catching an infection from them. I have my own DS who is 8.

[CompleteMug]

Yes, I agree again. Where is your DH in all this? He should have been the one emailing, to try and suggest some flexibility in your arrangements and to eat a serious wedge of humble pie on both your behalf's for refusing to be so flexible when she was poorly.

This thread doesn't sit right with me.

[pink4ever]

I am sorry to hear you are ill. I have had chemo. I read another poster say it is every 3 weeks-well in my case it was every week,high dose and yes I have to be honest it was very debilitating.

However I have a sister who was very young at the time and I certainly didnt banish her for fear of infection!. I also had 2 dn who I continued to see as often as I could.

YABU but I amabout the whole post but will give you the benefit of the doubt as surely noone would joke about having cancer?

[ledkr]

Um hello??? People are expressing sympathy how could they not do? I have been in her situation and life doesnt stop for chemo and its not as bad as you think.
Do you normally like to have the children? Because it does seem as if you are using this as an excuse not to have them.

[ledkr]

Pink-I think for breast ca it is 3 weekly unless its very severe or has metasised.
How are you now?

[pink4ever]

I had quite a rare form of cancer ledkr-dont want to say on here in case it outs me. Luckily it is one with a near 100% cure rate so I am absolutely fine now.

I think chemo effects people in different ways-and of course there are many types of chemo. One of the ladies who was having treatment at the same time as me was ill for the first couple of weeks and then sailed through the rest of it. Unfortunately I was the opposite way around lol.

Hope you are fully recovered now and life is good?

[ledkr]

Sorry but i keep thinking of thngs.

My ds2 who is 24 will be needing dyalisis soon and then a transplant.
He will need to come home,be looked after and wont be able to work for a while.

My dh works long shifts and is already supporting dd1 his step child.

As we speak he is preparing the spare room for him to come home to be looked after.

He realises that he is my son and therefore has a staunch loyalty to him and will step up to this challenge.

[QOD]

yabvvvvvvu

[merryberry]

mmhmm, it was constructive stuff I was pitching for hecate, not sympathy:)

[wannaBe]

As much as I think that it is natural to sympathize with your illness, I do also think that it is things like this that will make people rapidly lose sympathy.

Being ill does not mean you take priority over everything/everyone else and that all consideration for others has to go out the window.

Did you tell your dh before deciding he couldn't see his children?

You are selfish and unreasonable and your illness is not an excuse for that.

Your stepchildren will grow to resent you and your dh will likely as well if this ends up affecting his relationship with his children. You might want to think about that.

[ledkr]

I am thankyou-as much as you can be with this.

I was very ill for the first treatment but only cos i didnt take my side effect meds. Once i did i was fine.

I have supported a lot of people who were having treatment and all of them have recovered between treatments.

I dont want it to sound like a competition as to who suffered more etc,but i truly believe with the initial breast cancer chemo it is possible to live a near to normal life,and having 2 older children once a fortnight to be looked after by their Dad would not affect op aversly if at all.

[FabbyChic]

You are being unreasonable these are older children. They don't need looking after, and are not babies, younger children are generally sickly not teenagers.

Six months is far too long.

[pink4ever]

Thats good to hear ledkr. Its 10 years on for me now and some times feels like it happened to someone else!

I totally agree that op is talking nonsense btw. As you say there are many things they can give you that help with nasty side effects-I had my trusty little syringe driver in its funky bag and on days when I was up to it would go out with friends etc. Safe in the knowledge that I had medicine with me if I started to feel bad.

Is op not coming back then?

[tallulah]

I've just finished 3 months of chemo (every fortnight). During that time I have been looking after my 4 yo and taking her to nursery but have not come down with any bugs/ infection.

I can understand you not wanting extra people around - we only have one toilet and some of the side effects of the chemo aren't pleasant - but that aside I agree with everyone else and think YABU.

Life doesn't stop completely while you have chemo. I carried on working and just missed odd days when I really wasn't well enough to leave the house. I suspect this is the shock of it talking

[Rindercella]

Cancer is a bastard and I am so sorry you are having to face it.

However, I echo everything that Pavlov has said thus far.

OP YABU. Receiving treatment for cancer does not automatically preclude you from exercising some kind of common decency. Emailing your DH's ex stating that you would have no contact with the children for 6 months was totally unreasonable. Her response - that she will adapt and be as flexible as possible - is entirely reasonable.

Unfortunately, the nature of cancer means that this might not just be for a 6 month period. You may have to need longer, more prolonged periods of treatment and what happens then? You ban your SC from the house for a year...for 2 years? By which time they will have become young adults and will certainly know for sure where their father's priorities lie.

I hope that by posting here you have seen that you are behaving in a very unreasonable way.

Good luck with your treatment.

[fivegomadindorset]

Will you be home schooling your DS during this 6 months and stop him from seeing friends because he will pick up all manner of bugs at school?

[LoveBeingAWitch]

I font think it was your place to send an email it should have been handled better, but you are no doubt in a terrible place right now.

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

That's exactly what people are being, merry.

They are saying that it is unreasonable and explaining why. That is constructive.

It may not be what she wants to hear - that she's doing the right thing and that it is ok to shut out her partner's children from his life more or less for the next 6 months, but it is constructive - ie serving a useful purpose - helping her to develop more understanding - constructive criticism - you are wrong and this is why - explaining why she is being unreasonable.

So I'd have to disagree with you that what is being posted is not constructive.

[ledkr]

pink Its flippin 16 yrs for me i dont even have to have regular checks anymore. I also remember it as someone else "that poor girl" its a bastard tho cos still worry.

I imagined that id be bedbound and invalid etc,the reality for me was very different and i carried on,i hope thigs are good for the op and that its the unknown thats making her make selfish decisions and not her own feelings to the children.

[ToothbrushThief]

I think there are two issues here

1. The OP is dealing with her diagnosis and I'm sure everyone feels huge sympathy and support for her
   
2. Her pre-existing relationship with her DSC. I suspect it was poor with her tolerating them. That's a tragedy for the DC. I would address that as a separate issue.

[pinkytheshrunkenhead]

OP, can I ask why you did not assist the children's Mother when she was ill?

[vividgingerchilli]

Sorry but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable, I can see why you feel the way you do and I do hope that the chemo goes well for you.
Can you have them come over anyway and look at other ways to boost your immune system that will help?

[CalamityKate]

Sorry you're ill but....


YABVVVVVVU.

Dreadful behaviour and I can't believe your DH is going along with it.

A question for you; if your DH got cancer, would you send your 8 year old away?

[JamieComeHome]

I can see why you've made a knee jerk decision about this, but YABU.

I think Hecate put it very well.

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

What an evil woman your OHs Ex is trying to palm her disease riddled kids on a sick woman just so she can go to work!

[Lotkinsgonecurly]

Sorry to hear about the cancer, hope you get well soon.

But, I think for the sake of the family then everyone needs to carry on as normal . The ex wife sounds completely reasonable when she's said that she will try and be as flexible as possible. Also it would greatly affect the children not seeing their dad on a routine basis, their lives are disrupted as it is.

Surely your Ds will crave for some time with his siblings if you are ill and having the other children there would surely be a great reaction?

How about sometimes your DH taking all the children away for a weekend to a relatives house gp's or aunts / friends to give you a break?

Hope all goes well.