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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
Oggy · 21/10/2011 09:32

I would pay any genuine non-refundable deposit (£100 sounds a lot but no idea what the hen involves) after all she did say yes and commit to going despite knowing she didn't have a wedding invite (albeit hoping it was a mistake)

But I would expect bride / organiser to make a proper effort to find a replacement as an alternative.

AKMD · 21/10/2011 09:34

Do people really think the OP shouldn't pay the deposit? She said she would go and she said she would pay. Now she has decided not to go (completely understand why) but unless someone is found who is happy to pay £200 to go, she should certainly pay the deposit. If someone left me out of pocket by £100 I would be so shocked and upset. I couldn't afford to let that drop. It isn't the organiser's fault that the bride is very rude.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 21/10/2011 09:38

Well done you for not going. Paying half if you have to is annoying but not so annoying as sitting there all weekend talking about the wedding.

Also you'll save money by not going on extra drinks, shopping etc.

I went on a hen weekend where I was the only one going to the evening rather than the whole day. We didn't end up going to the evening do as I didn't realise I was the only one from a group of us that hadn't been invited to the whole day.

I've also been out for an expensive evening out where the person organising it really wanted me to come ( she said). And turns out I was the only person not going to her 40th birthday party at her house. Whole evening was spent talking about what her dress was like etc.

Hope you have a nice weekend anyway.

LeBOOOf · 21/10/2011 09:39

I can't imagine the organiser had fronted twelve hundred quid at this stage. And no, OP has no obligation to pay. Let the bride.

zipzap · 21/10/2011 09:39

But surely if the op was still invited she would have had an invite with all the details on so she knew what they were, people don't usually expect you to remember them from months in advance especially if you don't really know many others going to check from. And why should they have an invite but not you - why make one person remember but give others invites?

I think earlier on (sorry can't find it now) op you posted that when the other person tried to drop out she was told she still had to pay all her money. If I've misread this them sorry. But sounds like she is telling people whatever she can to get as much money from you rather than checking properly and being honest about it.

I second ringing the venue and explaining and seeing what they can do. Would you want to go there on a different day? And also contacting your other friend and putting up a united front if she also wants to drop out.

marianhalcombe · 21/10/2011 09:40

AKMD, no I'm with you. She absolutely should pay the deposit - would make her look awful if she didn't.

AKMD · 21/10/2011 09:42

Shock That is all.

LeBOOOf · 21/10/2011 09:46

The buck stops with the bride. There is no way on god's green earth I would pay £100 I could ill afford for fuck all, when I'd been conned into an obligation, and when it was unlikely to be at all necessary.

ScarlettIsWalking · 21/10/2011 09:50

The only person responsible for this mess is the bride. Totally agree that she should sort it out.

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 09:51

No her dh is not doing the photography after all, her fiancé has found another person.

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 09:55

Exactly zip zap the op should have received a formal invite like the others which she has not. When I got married we sent invites to even our parents and brothers and sisters despite knowing they are naturally coming

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2011 09:55

"She absolutely should pay the deposit - would make her look awful if she didn't."
Even if it did make her look awful, it only makes her look awful it a bunch of strangers she's never going to meet again.

I would doubt the organiser has put up - what £1000-£1500 - of her own money in deposits without asking everyone to cough up. Even allowing for her sticking it on her credit card, she'd have emailed everyone along the lines of "my bill will come in on [specific date], I need your deposits paid to me before then".

And any shortfall, in the unlikely event of there being one, should be met by the cow bride.

AKMD · 21/10/2011 09:57

It is very unlikely that such a horrible bride would pay it. Dumping your monetary obligations onto someone else is just wrong, no matter how nasty they might be. I am really, really shocked that anyone would think that it is ok. So what if the organiser is a stranger :(

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 10:00

Lydias draft us good and op should use it

fivepinksmarties · 21/10/2011 10:02

I think that you should ring the venue for the hen night or better still go in to see them if that's possible to find out what deposit, if any has been paid. Then you can decide what to do. At the moment you only have the hen organiser's word that any money has been spent.

If it turns out that a deposit of however much has been paid, then I would reimburse her for that amount only. Tbh I doubt that she has paid out over £1000 relying on only the goodwill of the invitees to get it back.

senua · 21/10/2011 10:07

I totally agree with speaking to the venue. If nothing else, if they say that the deposit (if any) is less than £100 then it makes HO's demand look suspect and puts her on the back foot; she loses some moral high ground.

duckdodgers · 21/10/2011 10:07

Op - exactly what does the £200 cover - what do you get for this and is the venue asking for a £100 deposit per person - you need to find this out on your own. All sounds a bit suss to me really. Or is this the hen organisers deposit etc. I woudl really think its unlikely that she has paid over a thousand pounds on the chance otehrs will pay up - if it is a set deposit for a venue then your deposit can be split between everyone else for example, its up to the final numbers of people going to split all the costs.

Still think tehresd more to this deposit than meets the eye.

duckdodgers · 21/10/2011 10:07

there is

ladyintheradiator · 21/10/2011 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladyintheradiator · 21/10/2011 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LydiaWickham · 21/10/2011 10:10

To clarify, I do think if the HO can't get a refund on the deposit, fill the place or get cowbag bride to pay (who should be the one to pay in my mind) then OP should cough up, not fair on the HO otherwise, however, if the HO can't be bothered to try to get the money back or have an embarrassing conversation with the bride about it, then OP shouldn't pay.

I also don't believe the £100 has already been paid and is non-refundable - doesn't add up to me, that's a lot of money to be paid out in advance for the HO. I would, however, not be surprised at all if it's a case that if the OP drops out it pushes the numbers below a certain amount to get a good deal and/or they are doing something that has a flat cost regardless of how many will be there and the £100 would have to be covered by everyone else if the OP didn't go... Where you stand on non-payment at that point is tricky.

OP, come back and tell us what the 'do' was!

AWimbaWay · 21/10/2011 10:22

I've paid for things up front in the past trusting that people will be decent enough to pay up, reading this thread I shan't in future, I'm in disbelief that people are advising it's OK to leave some innocent party either out of pocket or left to deal with the mess because they're 'a bunch of strangers'.

Blueberties · 21/10/2011 10:26

Yy but I think most people don't believe she'll be out of pocket. She came back so quickly late last night that she won't have had time to check the situation, she can go to the bride, she can split the cost between eleven other people which is less than ten pounds each - the options are many. It's more of an inconvenience but you know, that's no reason to stump up 100 for someone who's been rude to you. It's probably not even much more of an inconvencience when you compare it to actually organising the whole thing, which must be jsut awful.

fivepinksmarties · 21/10/2011 10:28

I don't think that its ok to not pay up on the basis that op doesn't know the organiser. However, I do think that she needs to find out for herself the situation regarding the deposit before she reimburses the organiser so that she knows she is paying the right amount and not supplementing the people who are still going.

Blueberties · 21/10/2011 10:30

Awimba, I would never pay 1200 up front for other people to go to a hen do. Never in a million years. I woudl say, we need a deposit of 100 from each of you by Tuesday or you're not on the list.