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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub? Confused

OP posts:
kipperandtiger · 21/10/2011 02:46

Just seen the post (it's 11 pages long after all!) about a 50% deposit. Well, it's quite likely that the organiser should be able to find a female from the other many guests that the bride has chosen to invite (but not the OP), to take her place. Yes, it's difficult and inconvenient, but if you agree to do the organising you do have to deal with cr*p like this; it's understood. Hence it is usually the chief bridesmaid's job, or at least another bridesmaid's, and that is why bridesmaid's gifts (or bribes) are part of tradition. And any good hen do organiser should be aware of stuff like who's not been invited/who's fallen out with whom etc. What about people who fall ill and can't go? Make them pay the £100 as a penalty for being ill? I had something similar happen when a bride's do was at a spa - I had to cover work for a sick colleague; the spa was more than happy to let me postpone my booking for another time. I missed the spa day but joined them for dinner. It is always possible to find someone to fill the spot; she just needs to get on and do it.

ednurse · 21/10/2011 03:03

Do not pay the £100 - the bride can!

clappyhands · 21/10/2011 04:59

yeah Grin

i love threads like this [go tights in american style roar]

i probably would pay the £100 as i am a wuzz and know that someone else is out of pocket

MrsDreadfullyMorbidMausoleum · 21/10/2011 05:25

Bunbury, I would say that my attitude is very much the reverse. I am one of those who repeatedly are taken advantage of. To the extent that I've posted about them (under preHalloween name).

Decency, honour and virtue are glorious concepts. My children understand them. We give, generously, to charity. We regularly go out of our way to help people. We write thank you letters! Wink

Unfortunately there are people who have no compunction whatsoever in taking advantage of kind natures. The Bride in the above OP sounds very like them. To these people a generous or decent nature is a free lunch.

I cannot think of any activity where a 50% deposit is taken where that amount wouldn't be asked for at the rsvp stage.

In all honesty and in the OP's situation (where money is an issue) I would probably pay $50 to charity in lieu of the hen night. Decency maintained. Grasping Bride thwarted. Win win.

runningwilde · 21/10/2011 05:51

Please don't pay anything

Reply and cc the bride on the email saying exactly why you won't pay and leave them to it and cut the bride bitch out of your life as you don't need someone like that anywhere near you

Do it!

PartyPooperz · 21/10/2011 05:55

Tights I would phone the venue(s) direct if you know where they are and discuss what deposit they have taken and see if you can persuade them return deposit (last resort they keep it as part of the tab for the meal drinks and organiser is reimbursed in part by everyone attending).

Thzumbazombiewitch · 21/10/2011 06:05

Ugh, what a situation!

I'm like you, OP - I don't like other people to be out of pocket for something that isn't exactly their fault (in this case, the hen party organiser). I have organised a hen weekend in Dublin - or rather been part way through organising it, when the BRIDE realised she couldn't make the weekend as she had another wedding to go to, so it had to be cancelled quickly - thankfully only two of us had already booked our plane tickets, myself and her SIL-to-be. The SIL-to-be demanded reimbursement of the plane ticket price, which my friend agreed to and offered me the same - but it was her wedding, FFS, they were strapped for cash as it was, she was stressed enough about it all - so I said no and went to Dublin by myself. Had a good time as it turned out but that's a different story!

I have also been a B-list hen party invitee and gone along, probably because I'm pathetically pleased to be invited to anything [saddo] but I was also invited to the wedding, so it wasn't that bad, and in reality the groom was my friend, rather than the bride.

I have been to only two hen parties and then not the wedding - and both of those were more acquaintances than friends - the hen parties were meals in a fun restaurant, nothing spectacularly expensive.
I was also very upset NOT to be invited to someone's hen party who I considered to be a friend - but she was getting married in France and only invited people to the hen party who were going to the wedding.

I didn't have a hen party. It was just much easier that way.

If you feel happier in yourself paying the £100 to the organiser, then you should do it - I'd hate to feel that I'd left her with that bill herself - because she probably wouldn't feel she could ask the bride for it! most hen parties I've been to involve some level of the hens clubbing together to pay for the bride, so asking her for extra money goes against that. Still, it's down to what you feel happiest doing.

Glad you're not going though. And are going to let the friendship, such as it was, lapse.

Bubbaluv · 21/10/2011 06:26

Can't wait to hear what the bride says!!

echt · 21/10/2011 07:13

Am, I the only one thinking that Bunbury's reductio ad absurdam Holocaust analogy is rather like a version of Godwin's law?

runningwilde · 21/10/2011 07:37

No echt I was a bit wtf?! [hconfused] At that too!

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 07:37

This 'friend' is very rude and grabby, fancy asking your dh to do the photography (worth hundreds of pounds) and to consider it your present to them Hmm, its up to your dh to make that decision not her! Because your dh was not doing the photography as her fiance found somebody else, she is then not inviting you to the wedding. So if your dh was doing her photography that is the only reason why you would be invited Hmm. Nice, good friend she is! On top of that, she has the gall to ask for contributions to her honeymoon from you, and your not invited, how rude! You made the best decision there, well done, like it when people are assertive.

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 07:41

Or would she expect your dh to do the photography for free whilst not inviting you, and consider it your present to them Shock if that was her way of thinking. Does not sound like much of a friend tbh.

mycatoscar · 21/10/2011 08:00

So the hen organiser has actually paid £100 per hen already has she? Hmm I think I would be phoning the venue to check actually op.

If I was organising a hen do I wouldn't pay £'s up front without asking for it from the invitees.

Wondering what the bride will reply though.

Willabywallaby · 21/10/2011 08:08

Well done OP for cancelling I too think you should pay nothing, the others can absorb the cost.

LydiaWickham · 21/10/2011 08:10

Well, I wouldn't pay right now, because the short length of time between your message and her reply, and the time of day it was, suggests to me she's made no effort to cancel your place yet. It might be that the deposits could be refunded, don't pay unless you are sure she has at least tried to cancel it. If she does and can't get the money back she's paid out, then you have the moral dilema about paying her back the deposit, but right now you don't.

I'd suggest an e-mail along the lines of:

"Dear HenOrganiser,

thank you for getting back to me so quickly. Have you tried to cancel my place? Many companies can amend bookings for a lot less than £100. Please could you try to cancel it in the first instance.

If you are unable to get the deposit back, could you ask [cowbag bride] if there are any woman from those she chose to be guests at her wedding who would like to go in my place.

If you are not able to get a refund or fill the place and [cowbag bride] is either unwilling or unable to cover the costs incurred due to her shoddy treatment of someone who thought they were a good friend, I will of course not wish to leave you out of pocket and will forward the money to you.

Do let me know how you get on.

Kind regards,

Tights"

pigletmania · 21/10/2011 08:15

That's a good email Lydia, use that op as a template.

Yama · 21/10/2011 08:21

Good email Lydia. I would replace the third paragraph with a simple 'I look forward to hearing from you.'

SquelchyBodyParts · 21/10/2011 08:50

I was one earlier who was saying you shouldn't go to hen do, and if the bride really has snubbed you then I stick by that, however since you said about her asking your dh to do photo's (as a gift Shock ) then retracted, are you sure she isn't just expecting you to be going to the wedding anyway? That's why she never mentioned you not RSVP-ing? Ok the photo's as a gift thing was a bit cheeky, but it could be possible this bride might not be as awful as first thought! That could be why she keeps talking about wedding plans around you because she thinks you're coming because of the photo thing!

If she really has snubbed you though, definitely don't go on the hen do, BUT I do think that the poor hen organiser(H.O) shouldn't be out of pocket! I agree maybe checking with the venue with regards the deposit as it does sound a lot, and it seems unusual that the H.O hasn't asked for this money if she has paid it already! I think the curt e mail off H.O was maybe just because it is an actual pain organising these do's after having done several myself and people saying yes then no etc, but she should really understand the position you're in now she has the full facts! I think sending Lydia's email is a good idea but I wouldn't do the bit about getting bride to reimburse as I'm sure they could really find someone to go in your place! I would offer the deposit as a last resort however just to show good faith to the H.O!

Sorry long post!

Fixture · 21/10/2011 08:56

I think you need to speak to the bride about this ASAP. Not good for her to hear from the hen organiser first, who will of course give things from her point of view.

KittyFane · 21/10/2011 08:58

mycatoscar - So the hen organiser has actually paid £100 per hen already has she? I think I would be phoning the venue to check actually op.
Don't reply to Hen's first message.
OP, please phone the venue and ask about deposit.
Then, do nothing. Wait for Hen organiser to request money again. Don't offer it.
You could message bride and tell her that you can't make the hen do after all but I would go into no detail at all. No need to discuss your reasons.

lemmein · 21/10/2011 09:04

I think too, from what you have said, that you are probably invited and as you are both 'good friends' she isn't expecting you to RSVP - she's just expecting you to be there.

Though for your sake I hope she is just a thoughtless cow or your email is gonna be a tiny bit inappropriate Grin

DitaVonCheese · 21/10/2011 09:07

Well of course you still have to pay for something if you fall ill Confused

I'm pleased about my sense of decency [smug]

I've paid for stuff upfront, including for hen nights, and been out of pocket until I got paid back. You do it because you assume everyone else will do the decent thing and reimburse you. Of course, lots of people don't, as evidenced by this thread and one of my former housemates which is why I won't be offering to organise anything like this again.

DitaVonCheese · 21/10/2011 09:08

lemmein I am also still concerned that this is the case!

QuickLookBusy · 21/10/2011 09:09

Sorry but I really think you should speak to the bride. I agree with others who have said because she asked you to do the photos, she is assuming you know you are invited. Please check with her before going any further.

Just say something along the lines of "Bride, I am very confused and am not sure what is happening. First DH is doing the photography so I assume we are coming, then he isn't but we haven't had an invite. I just want to clarify if we are invited or not."

Find out where you stand before doing anything else.

AWimbaWay · 21/10/2011 09:25

Personally I'd pay up or ask for details to try and sort the refund myself. It's hellish trying to organise things like this, it's not the organiser's fault you're not invited to the wedding and if I were her I'd feel pissed off at being messed about and potentially out of pocket. I very much doubt she's enjoying being lumped with the job in the first place. Deal with it between yourself and the bride and leave the other poor woman out of it.

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