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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to bottlefeed newborn because I have a toddler?

168 replies

NoobyNoob · 20/10/2011 12:58

Before I post this, I don't want this to turn into yet another BF/FF debate. This isn't my intention whatsoever, I want to know if IABU or not.

I've made the decision to FF DD when she arrives in Jan. I EBF DS and he will be just short of two when she arrives.

I've chosen to FF because of ease and convienience but I can't help but feel that IABU. It's been on my mind since DH and I discussed it a few months ago, and although he backs me in whatever decision I make, I feel guilty because I'm doing it for my own ease.

When I breastfed DS, I remember the feeds lasting for half hour/40 minutes some days and I can't do that when she arrives because it's not fair on my son. I do want to breastfeed again as my experience of it was a very positive one, but I can't for the life of me work out how I fit it around DS - especially if we're out and about.

Even though I'll have family around initially to help, they live abroad so I'm pretty much on my own in the day when they go back.

So, AIBU and does anyone have any advice on how it might work if I was to BF with a toddler around?

OP posts:

catsareevil · 20/10/2011 20:32

Reading the other posts in this thread has made me remember another huge benefit of BF. Evening cluster feeding.

With DD1 I hated the evenings spent feeding. However the second time around it was brilliant to sit on the sofa feeding the baby, which was always around the time that DD1 had to be sorted out for bed, dinner to be cooked etc. So my DH had to do all that, because obviously I had to breast feed It was great. I suspect that if the baby had been FF that DH would have wanted to do that some nights instead of doing all the other stuff.

NinkyNonker · 20/10/2011 20:38

What a great thread, lots of helpful, supportive responses with no BF/FF bitchiness!

I'm pregnant too OP and had been wondering about this. I am still feeding DD (15 months) and never had any problems and as such I have always been quite a 'passionate' BF advocate. However, I have said to DH that if the family would run better were the new addition to have the odd bottle of formula then so be it. In my head though I have told myself I woudn't do this until post 17 weeks when some babies are weaned, as that must mean their guts are a bit stronger! I don't know whether that is logical or not...

I'm just going to try to go with the flow and aim to BF as I did with DD. The idea of a box of stuff is a great one.

WhoIsThatMaskedWoman · 20/10/2011 20:42

at catsareevil. Both my DCs were evening cluster feeders, and my DH is now an excellent cook - these facts are not unrelated.

Bunsouttheoven · 20/10/2011 21:09

Haven't read the whole thread but my experience bf second time around was much better. I was really worried before dc 2 was born wondering how I could make it work as dc1 had been a real boobaholic.

Dc2 fed less & feeds were quicker too. He was more contented between feeds partly because he had a older (2.5 yr old) sister to watch & be entertained by.

Also dd really loved all the reading/drawing/tv etc that we did when dc2 did feed. In fact I think she got more attention as if I hadn't been sat down feeding I'd have been doing something dull like housework

I've no experience of ff, I know I did feel tempted at time with dc1 but never with dc2 as it all just worked out quite nicely.

Do as you like of course but know that bf can be different second time around. Maybe give it a whirl & just see if it works for you & your family.

Good luck

tholeon · 20/10/2011 21:09

Following this with interest as am also due in jan, when ds will be 2.5. Hoping to bf again but bit worried about the cluster feeding versus bedtime routine bit as dh works long hours and rarely around at bedtime.. Any tips welcome!

KCEHNR · 20/10/2011 21:20

You can do whatever you like - whatever works best. As someone who FF from early on (BF didn't work out) I can tell you it would have been lovely to have a feeding solution on tap, if you didn't have any trouble BF you may find FF such a pain in the backside. Think about washing 8 bottles a day, the hassle of travel/getting out and about & heating bottles etc.

PointyBlackHat · 20/10/2011 22:10

I think your heart is leaning towards BF, OP - so I'd suggest trying it. What have you got to lose? All babies are different, your DD might be a super speedy feeder. You can always change to FF. Going back is not so easy.

FWIW I BF both of mine for 13 months and found 2nd time round MUCH easier because one of us knew what they were doing. DD2 was also a speedy feeder, 15 mins and zonked out. Cluster feeding is an issue, but I agree that is where DH needs to come in - the phase doesn't last long, he can take it. My DH did - he cooked all the meals, did the dishes, then held the DDs while I gulped down my food.

I think you should try BF, if only so that you are left with nothing to beat yourself up over (because you strike me as the kind of loving conscientious mum who would do that sort of thing, we women tend to be far too good at guilt-tripping ourselves).

I too am amazed at how civil this thread has been.

MammyT · 20/10/2011 22:16

I debated the same thing..
I decided to take one day at a time, thinking that I could always FF the next day. I actually BF my 2nd for 7.5 mths but felt no pressure either way.

Oggy · 20/10/2011 22:21

Only read first page but FWIW:

I breastfed a newborn when I had a 20 month old. Practically it really wasn't an issue at all so there is no reason to assume it will be for you (people all over the worl manage it).

That said, if you prefer to FF then it doesn't matter what your reason is anyway, you can feed your baby how you choose and it's no one else's business (except maybe the father has an opinion).

However I can't work out from your OP whether you want to FF or not. I can't work out if you want advise on making breastfeeding work or whether you want people to justify your decision to FF for you.

If the latter then give it up, you don't need to justify FF, if the former, you have had loads of good advise already and nothing works better than giving it a go (with some formula in the kitchen in case it doesn't happen)

catsareevil · 20/10/2011 22:23

Just wanted to add - I will never admit it to DH, but the cluster feeding might not have been quite as much as he thought it was.

my2centsis · 20/10/2011 22:24

havnt read whole thread, so not sure if i am the only 1 but i think YABU in the fact that you bf ds because it was best for him but arnt going to bf dd because of the inconvenience to your ds? not sure how you will explain that 1 to dd when shes older and asks if she and your ds where bf?

screamingbohemian · 20/10/2011 22:25

This is such a lovely feeding thread

Good luck OP!

MrsStephenFry · 20/10/2011 22:27

I've had four and BF them all. Each one easier than the last. Why would you decide such things ahead of time? Its hardly impossible when so many people have done it so easily....

Concordia · 20/10/2011 22:29

taking it one day at a time is a good idea. you can't always switch to formula but hard other way around.
personally i found you can do alll sorts whilst breastfeeding. reading books, chatting, playing etc.
the only thing i really struggled with was putting DS on potty - would advise against toilet training and breastfeeding a baby under 4 months simultanesouly if you can avoid it!
tis also a good model for your toddler about how to feed babies. DS still knows that babies get milk from boobs, DD (younger one) feeds all her dolls from bottles as she was a bit too young to remember it!

AnxiousElephant · 20/10/2011 22:32

YABU - not because of ff per se, but I FF dd1 and found it sooo much more convenient to bf dd2 (dd1 was a toddler). It meant when we went to the park, country walks we didn't have to plan where we would be in order to feed dd2.
Remember that if a baby is a slow feeder it doesn't matter whether it is bf or ff! My BF dd2 took 1 hour per ff not to mention the washing and sterilising bottles.
If you bf you can at least have 1 hand free to read a book, sit on the floor cross legged and help with a puzzle, lie on your side on the floor next to ds so he feels you are with him. With ff it takes 2 hands and the baby is just as annoyed if you are disrupted during a ff.
Go out and about with friends who can help supervise ds playing (as in watch him) if you need to feed. Unlike ff you can walk and bf! Use a sling and go hands free

AnxiousElephant · 20/10/2011 22:33

Definately agree with concordia on it being a good role model. DD1 only ever wipped her top up to feed her dolly

mercibucket · 20/10/2011 22:39

Agree with custardcake n others - sounds more like a 'guilt' thing about arrival of baby negatively impacting on older child. I felt the same - in fact I once thought I'd ruined his life! Wait til baby is here, remember all the positives of siblings and chill about a bit of benign neglect of toddler. He'll do just fine. Leave the bf decision til the time - maybe mix feed even - but don't feel you have to provide an optimum environment for your toddler - he will be fine sharing A bit of time with his new sibling.

Squitten · 20/10/2011 22:39

I was pretty much going to say exactly what AnxiousElephant has said! I FF DS1 and BF DS2 and I found BF sooooo much easier on a practical scale. For the first 6mths, I was so free compared to first time around in terms of having a lot less stuff to lug about and I also used a sling so it really was low impact. I also found it helpful to have my hands free to read stories, etc, with DS1 while I was feeding. We did introduce a bottle at 4wks and DS2 has always taken some formula since then so DH could do a feed here and there once we were well established.

I would advise you to have a go at BF if that's what you want to do and if you don't like it, you can always switch to FF - you'll never be able to do it backwards so it's worth a try!

GetOutMyPub · 20/10/2011 22:42

I havent bothered reading all replys as I can see which direction this thread might take!

I found bf much easier 2nd time around, especially at night. Getting established was much easier & I felt more confident in what I was doing.
i also purely bf, i didnt bother expressing 2nd time around, (I did a lot of mixed feeding with ds1) apart from a few nights/days out without baby. I just couldnt face expressing when it was just as easy to feed baby from the breast.

I have 21 month gap between DSs. Cbeebies was a great help, and I wont deny that there were difficult days with DS1 demanding/needing my attention and DS2 needing feeding, but in the scheme of things it did make life much easier.

I had DH home for 4 wks after ds2 was born & my Mum would visit a couple of mornings a week.

I don't think you can ask aibu because whatever your decision, you will be doing what is best for you & baby in your situation.

PetiteRaleuse · 20/10/2011 22:46

YANBU do what you feel is best for you

Fixture · 20/10/2011 22:48

YANBU. It's entirely up to you, and whatever decision you make I'm sure it will be sensible, informed and depending on your own circumstances.

SurprisEs · 20/10/2011 23:08

NoobyNoob I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread so I apologise if this has been said.

YANBU to do whatever you feel is best for the family but if you really want to give bf a go:

DD will be 2.9 yrs when DC2 is born. I'm planning on getting a baby doll and getting DD incolved as well as entertained. I.e. "DC2 needs to have his/her nappy changed. Is your baby's nappy stinky? Should you change it too?" and the same sort of thing for feeding etc. Cbeebies and books are part of my plans too. Who knows if it'll work? But it's worth a try.

Assuming you don't mind a boy playing with a doll. I wouldn't mind so would do this with a boy too.

Good luck!

whatdoiknowanyway · 20/10/2011 23:40

20 months between my 2, DD2 is now 18 so memory a little hazy - but bf both of them and would surely remember if major traumas?
So far as I can remember was all very manageable AND we didn't have cbeebies in those days :)

SusanKiss · 20/10/2011 23:51

My second son was born when my first son was 15 months .... it's a busy time but strangely enough I found feeding times were one of the more calmer times of the day ... I bottle fed as breast just 'didn't happen' and although there is the faff side of prepping the bottles that's just one of those things .... older son used to potter happily, watching a bit of TV it has to be said sometimes, or playing with toys and I'd get on with the feeding .... older son never had an issue with it and seemed to find it calming ... I was worried that he'd run amock when I was in the middle of a feed etc.etc.etc but that just didnn't happen thank goodness !! Wasn't a big issue at all so if you do decide to bottle feed then go for it - but to my mind it should be because you want to and not because you feel you have to by way of circumstance - you certainly have the choice and it needs to be the choice you are happiest with all round !! Good luck !!

princessglitter · 21/10/2011 00:00

YANBU - but I actually found breastfeeding easy with my two (19 months apart) as there was no hassle with preparing feeds. dd1 could sit beside me and read a story whilst I fed dd2. I went on to tandem feed dd2 and ds1 and had 3 children 4 and under, so it is doable (and I am no superwoman!)

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