to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

[feelinghorrid]

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

Please note above when I said

Sadly, the kids came to us unexpectedly after mum couldnt cope anymore

I meant it was sad that the situation for them with mum wasnt good, not that they came to live with us.

Oh yes, forgot about skype

He could skype with her every day if he wanted to -- it is really great for keeping in touch (my parents live abroad).

It's a global economy, people move around the world, luckily there are lots of options for coping with it IF you are determined to be positive about it.

OP, I don't think you can be criticised for your honesty. I think you have coped very well already and clearly are fond of your DP's daughter and she of you as she talks openly and happily about her family.

However, I do not think that your DP will win residence of his DD. The situation regarding moving abroad in the family courts has changed recently and their plans will have to be well thought through, clear arrangements in place and no hint of the mother wishing to frustrate the contact of your DP. The mum is the primary carer and your DP's DD clearly loves her family and it probably has not occurred to her that she may be deprived of going to Dubai, which could damage her relationship with your DP.

As well as a massive change for his DD, there could be real separation issues which you will also have to cope with. You are not her mum and she will need her mum. I have taken on two children through the family courts and it really is a minefield of emotions. No matter how badly a parent has behaved, the children always, always love their mum.

Although I can understand both sides in this case, I do think he should let his DD go, but I feel very sorry for him and his daughter.

He could have skyped with her every day for the last 8 years, to be honest.

Has Skype been easily accessible for everyone for 8 years?

It was only founded in 2003.

I think your DP is BU -why shouldn't she go to Dubai? She has a lovely family, mum, stepdad and sibling who she dotes on, she'd get lots of quality time with her mum there.

She'd learn so many life experiences, probably get the chance to go to an International school and develop so many life skills that she'll never get the opportunity to do at home.

She could return for long holidays with your DP.

Has anyone actually asked her what she wants? It seems she's the last part of the equation. Why isn't your DP thinking of what's truly best for her, rather than investing in a power struggle for himself - and roping you into it.

The courts would be insane to grant residency to the father on the basis that the step mother (you) who has only been on the scene for 6 mths would do most of the childcare. Also, the mother's never going to go for it, and I suspect, neither is your partner's DD.

On that basis, part of me is tempted to tell you to go along with it, because your fears are unlikely to be realised.

However, in the longer term interest of the relationship, I think you have to be honest with your DP if you don't want to be a FT parent. I think you've had a hard time on this thread. You are very young and I don't blame you for not wanting the responsibility right now.

I agree with karma that the stepdad is getting off too lightly here. The person who is driving this situation- one where the child involved is going to be in a different country to one of her parents- is him.

OP's partner is BU in several ways, obviously. We can take that as read. He's NBU in not wanting himself or DD to go to Dubai. It sounds to me like what he actually wants is to be able to continue seeing DD on his terms, rather than any particular desire to manipulate XP. He wants his DD to be looked after nearby- which is NBU- with someone else, doesn't matter who as long as it's not him, doing the bulk of the hard work so he can enjoy her when he can be arsed- which is BU. Regardless of where his DD lives, he should pull his finger out of his arse.

DSD is being expected to uproot her life, twice in three years. She will have to leave her friends, any extended family, and her education will be interrupted. Even if her school is better there, she'll have to leave it again in 3 years (if she does go, they should try and arrange it so she's returning just in time for secondary school). Those saying she can go to her dad every holiday don't seem to have considered what effect it will have on her. Maybe she'd like a rest during her school holidays, time to socialise with her new Dubai friends. Christmas and birthdays will be very hard. She needs to be asked what she thinks- and at aged 8, she's probably old enough to have her view at least considered. Some children get a lot out of living abroad, others do not.

Lastly, OP's partner isn't BU not wanting to live in Dubai. Expats can have a very glam lifestyle there, though I question whether that's good for a child anyway. Wouldn't want mine getting used to it, esp not when they were coming back in 3 years. But there's also huge dependance on the sponsorship of the employer. What happens if the stepdad turns nasty? Western expats in Dubai may live the high life when things are well, but it's not a place I'd want to be if life went a bit wrong.

Let stepdad go on his own, he can come back to the UK in the holidays and continue all the relationships on skype! Incidentally, I too find OP's partners assumptions to be a red flag.

Blimey, I confess to having only read the first and last pages of this but it seems the OP is getting an incredibly hard time. It's ridiculous to say "you know what you're getting into" because the one thing you really don't realise when becoming a stepmum is that you often don't get consulted on things that massively impact your life, just because the children always trump your relationship. OP is also only 25 and doesn't have her own children - nobody tells us what it's like to be a parent or step-parent, it takes time to learn/accept/enjoy.

The DP's DD is important.Of course she is. But if OP was her parent, she'd get input in all this. To me, the DP is at fault for not discussing it all with the OP first and working out if this is feasible, given the stage the relationship is at AND OP'S VIEWS!! How dare he be making these decisions on her behalf?

I'm hugely sympathetic to the DP as my DH also had his child moved a long distance away and it's unbelievably unfair. But given the mother is likely to be allowed to move, with the child, the only thing you can do is try to make it work. Doesn't seem to me that the child's needs have been taken into account particularly and, however much it hurts, that's what the DP needs to do.

In an ideal world, it's the stepfather who would go on his own since it is a situation of his choosing and to his benefit, and he would be the one to have a long-distance relationship with his child (and stepchild). But that won't happen. It's shit.

I don't think it's fair to say the stepdad should go alone and be separated from his family. He has married the mom, raised both children full-time, lived with his family constantly for years. The OP's partner did not have a serious relationship with the mum (they never lived together), he has never cared for his DD full-time, he sees her twice a month right now.

It's possible the stepdad doesn't feel like he has much of a choice about going. In his business perhaps if he turns it down it will really damage his career prospects long term.

Maybe the step father should go alone?

But then that would seperate him from his wife, baby & step daughter!

Wonder also how optional the job offer is?

It's not really fair for anyone to be separated from their family, is it?

Well, no. But I know very few people these days who spend their whole lives in one place, and especially in certain careers it's virtually expected that you take opportunities like this.

I think the idea that two people, who never had a serious relationship to begin with, will live in close proximity to each other for 18 years is not as likely today as it used to be.

Flangelinaballerina makes an important point about Dubai. You are 100% controlled by the employer who is sponsoring you, down to your residency visa, which can be revoked at any time if you are fired or made redundant, after which you have a short period before you are forced to leave the country. Should your employer/sponsor terminate your job, your bank account is automatically frozen, and if you have outstanding debt (rent, for instance, which is often paid upfront a year in advance in a single cheque) you are unable to meet, you are likely to be jailed.

If the OP's partner was to be sponsored by his daughter's stepfather, he would be in an enormously vulnerable position, and labour law counts for nothing in Dubai. I can't blame the OP's partner for not leaping at the opportunity of the job in Dubai, and I also sympathise with his not wanting his daughter to live there, because of its sheer hellishness, inequality, cultural poverty and materialism, the poorness of its education system, and the appalling climate for a good portion of the year etc etc. (I used to live there, and one of the reasons we left was because we would not have even considered having a child there.)

Which is all beside the main points of the conversation, but some people seemed to assume that the daughter would enjoy a better life in Dubai, and that the OP's partner was being unreasonable not to take the job offered him.

Screamingbohemian, that's true. However, the child's welfare is as important as it ever was, I'm sure we'll all agree. Inevitably, someone's going to get the shitty end of the stick in all this. I guess the question just is who. And would like to be clear that if DSD and her mum do end up staying, OP's partner needs to start putting DSD above his hobby. His attitude to contact is totally unsatisfactory and unjustifiable.

HardCheese, thanks for sharing your experiences.

YABU - she is is flesh and blood, and you are someone he is shacking up with.

The OP's partner can't be sponsored by the stepfather anyway. It's not possible if the stepfather is an employee himself, which is what it sounds like.

Also, many British expats in many countries (in fact, pretty much every country outside the EU) have a residency visa dependent on their employment. If they get fired they have to leave. It's not as though that's some huge Dubai specific issue. It's life as an expat.

Also, FWIW I think HC has a very negative view of Dubai which wouldn't necessarily be shared by the majority of expats living there at the present time (I say that as someone who lived there until mid-2009)

Bride, I'm well aware of international employment/visa requirements, but the way the UAE is set up makes the employee unusually vulnerable to things like being unable to change jobs without an NOC letter from the original employer etc, and labour law is unusually toothless there. You're right about the stepfather not being able to sponsor the OP's partner if he is himself an employee, but my point remains that an employee is unusually vulnerable there.

I knew several different sets of people who were hired from the UK and who, after they had relocated with their families, found houses and schools etc, were told within a couple of weeks of arrival that the job no longer existed - and there was no legal comeback. So it's well within the bounds of possibility that the stepfather's Dubai job might dissolve into air.

I left Dubai in 2010 and knew a lot of desperately unhappy expats there. I keep in touch with friends who are still there, and many are desperate to leave, but feel trapped by recessions in their home countries.

Sorry, OP, didn't intend to derail - just pointing out that whether your partner's daughter will have a better life there is at the very least debatable. Which is obviously not your central problem. Good luck.

TBH I think that given how you feel it is not in the poor girls interests to leave her mother and come and live with you. I also your DP has little chance of winning this case and getting residency for his daughter anyway. But you need to have a longtalk about your relationship.

HC Fair point about NOCs. It just seems that Dubai is like marmite. 50% of people spend their lives on EW venting. The other 50% love it.

However, I agree it's a shit place to live if you're skint and you have to go over there with your eyes open. A lot depends on who the stepfather is working for tbh and suspect the OP prob doesn't want to say that on a public forum.

Just to echo SardineQueen, my DD and DS have different fathers. ExH isn't interested and DH has been a father since my daughter was three years old. She is eleven with a four yo half-sibling she idolises.

She would be completely and utterly heartbroken to live apart from her brother. Really. She would be destroyed.

There seem to be so many feelings that the DP hasn't considered. It might be that calling it a day would be best for all concerned: OP you are still very young and have all the time in the world to meet a decent man. The DD would have the family unit she has always known along with some fantastic opportunities. There are many ways and means of keeping in touch if DP can be bothered although they may involve putting his DD first and making some financial and lifestyle sacrifices.

What a sodding awful mess.

here here diddl, all these people saying that the step-dad should go alone, what about the fact that he has a child himself and a DSD he spends 10 nights out of 14 with?

OP YANBU to feel as you do, but you are being VERY naive to think of yourself and your DP as a childless couple, you have taken on a man with a child, so whilst it may only be every other weekend (for now) as a couple you have a child...

If you don't want any serious involvement with their children, don't get serious with men with them, because it's on the cards at some point in the future with any man with kids, if you really see yourself marrying this man you will take on some level of parental reposibility. I would never ever have dated a man with kids for precisely this reason

As lovely as you seem OP, I wouldn't even consider moving someone in so quickly to a home shared with a child, at 6 months you should be being introduced to his daughter and getting to know her, not living under the same roof and being put forward as a parent against your wishes, it smacks of irresponsiblity and selfishness on your DP's part

Yes he is desperate to keep him child here, but it very unclear if that desperation is due to being a manipluative bastard or love for his child. The fact that he seems admant it will stop his ex-p going would indicate it's the former and he has no real desire to be resident parent

Seriously GET OUT NOW

Do you really want to spend your life with someone who makes major desicions and formalises them in court without even having a discussion with you?

There are so many red flags and alarm bells going off, I wouldn't be surprised if speaking to your DP ex, there was a history of gaslighting or other mental abuse on his part. The only person he really cares about is himself from what I can see.

You need to very carefully assess what this man is doing and why, before it's too late, and at least ask him to explain the lies he's told and his motivation behind suggesting you move in so quickly, marry and parent his child.

I'm sorry but now matter how stressed he is, you need to talk this out, as you are just as if not more stressed by the fact he's not treating you with respect or as an equal partner in the relationship