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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

360 replies

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:04

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

OP posts:
MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 20/10/2011 15:01

But then again I wouldn't move someone into my home after seeing them for a couple of months if my child stayed over alternate weekends. Or suggest someone I've been with for six months as my child's new full-time joint carer. I'm sure the Op is lovely, but six months? And moving her before that?

laptopwieldingharpy · 20/10/2011 15:02

Agreed MJ. Way tmi.
Op we have gone full circle and you have had advice from both ends of the spectrum.
Good luck. Your heart is in the right place.

NorfolkBroad · 20/10/2011 15:03

Marginally well, I suppose it would depend where it was! I don't think they take too kindly to lesbian mums in Dubai! I get your point though.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 20/10/2011 15:05

We had DSD live with us when she was 4 months until she was 2. I didn't sign up for that I was 18 fgs but I supported DP and I don't regret it for a second. Yes things were different and at times more difficult but I have a brilliant relationship with DSD and wouldn't have changed any of it.
YABU and selfish IMO if you cant hack it then please leave before your DSD builds up a relationship with you

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 20/10/2011 15:07

Don't get me started on Dubai!

Quenelle · 20/10/2011 15:14

Hang on, the OP clarified the sitter remark, saying they had just once or twice left her with a sitter on a Saturday night. Nothing wrong with that. She was probably in bed anyway.

corygal · 20/10/2011 15:17

OOOh, poor OP - yr DP's the worry.

It sounds to me as if this "wonderful father" is starting a nasty court case to get back at his ex....

Dubai expat jobs aren't that permanent (Saudi immigration laws mean they can't be) and DP would have been told that ages ago by his lawyer. So court case = mixing it up, if you ask me. Hrumph.

Also, he's telling all sorts of frightful lies in the court papers. That's not good. Eg he's told the court that he's marrying OP but hasn't proposed. That means either he knows he won't win the case (but just wants to drag it out) and won't propose as there's no real point from his side of things - or that he's a hysteric who will say anything to get what he wants. Maybe both.

Also, he's decided the OP is going to become a full-time stepmother. Without asking. Who are you saying is the selfish one?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2011 15:20

But Quenelle, OP has only been there a matter of months, DD is only there every second weekend. Once or twice (and it must be at least twice, otherwise you'd say 'once') out of maybe a maximum of 13 stays (assuming OP has been there for 6 months, moving in as soon as they got together) is quite a high proportion of his daughter's stays.

Quenelle · 20/10/2011 16:02

You may be right WhereYouLeftIt, it might average out over a year that he goes out and leaves his daughter 9 times out of 10 on a Saturday night. But I don't think what's been said by the OP means that is necessarily the case.

marcopront · 20/10/2011 16:12

I am a mother who has taken my daughter to live in a different country to her father.

I am a teacher and we go back to the UK every Christmas and summer, so she can spend time with her Dad.

I was working in his country when we met and we moved to the UK together, he stayed I went elsewhere. I talked to him before I applied for jobs and he agreed it was the best decision for me and so for our daughter.

It is not ideal but we make it work. If he could get a job here he probably would.

I feel like the OP's DP is going through the court case not to get custody but to stop his ex from going to Dubai. If he was that bothered about seeing his daughter regularly he would consider the job in Dubai - most if not all expats have family and friends elsewhere and a lot have property. He could apply for jobs in another company.

Separating his daughter from her Mum and sister will not be best for her. As I said my ex knows going overseas was best for me and that me being happy was best for our daughter.

TheScaryJessie · 20/10/2011 16:24

I'm not sure how to phrase my feelings here, but here goes.

Feelinghorrid, I felt incredibly, deeply sorry for your partner, when I first read your opening post. However, the information you then gave us changes the situation utterly. By page three (!), I was thinking, Holy Hellfire, red flags ahoy.

I now think he's... Well, I don't like to swear so early in the day. I can see why he's the mother's ex. Ask her for her viewpoint on their break-up all those years ago. It will probably be enlightening .

He's signed you up for childcare, without asking. That's treating you badly, and it's treating his daughter badly. People spend ages assessinmg the suitability of childminders and nurseries for their children, and he didn't even check that you were willing in the first place! This is not responsible parenting.

JamieComeHome · 20/10/2011 16:24

spookshow

Read the thread. She's getting loads of support

Gonzo33 · 20/10/2011 16:32

Christ that man sounds like my exh. If I hadn't already won the right to leave the jurisdiction I would be convinced he was!

On that note OP, go home, pack your bags, and get the hell away before he signs you up to any more.

Sorry to say that but he sounds like a very aggressive control freak.

GalaxyWeaver · 20/10/2011 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorfolkBroad · 20/10/2011 16:52

OP sorry, have now read the entire thread and have a different veiw. I think you are absolutely right to feel deeply concerned about the way your DP has behaved not only in relation to putting you on the court documents but also in suggesting that his dd will have a better life living with him. If you are right in your view that he will never give up his demanding hobby after work or at weekends but it expecting you to step in imediately to make up for this then he is being EXTREMELY unreasonable. Surely he can see this???

I can understand his feeling panicked about his dd leaving the country, that is a horrible situation for any parent to be in but it is no excuse for behaving like this.

I agree with many posters that you are being brave and honest in posting your concerns here. I REALLY hope you are able to talk to your DP about this very soon.

coccyx · 20/10/2011 16:56

Get rid of him. Don't be part of his lies

NinkyNonker · 20/10/2011 16:57

Hmmmmm, the more I hear the less I like. I would be reconsidering your future with this man op.

hocuspontas · 20/10/2011 17:02

Will he still want to marry you if his DD goes abroad?

youllbewaiting · 20/10/2011 17:05

And what if he doesn't try and keep his daughter here and she says in years to come she didn't want to go why didn't you fight for me?

I think what his daughter wants is the main thing.

pigletmania · 20/10/2011 18:49

Its too much too early tbh OP, I would be applying the brakes to this relationship, and talking to your dp about your concerns, as you have every right to feel the way you do.

pigletmania · 20/10/2011 18:51

I would think about ending the relationship if you are not happy.

RIZZ0 · 20/10/2011 19:23

YANBU to be panicking that the set-up as you saw it may change, quickly and with so much responsibility looming.

You don't deserve the kicking you're getting here, but yes, you should have posted in/get it moved to the step-parenting topic for calmer responses really.

If you take the daughter out of it for a moment, this man you are still in a fairly early stage with, is making assumptions about what you will do, and moving the goalposts without really considering your feelings, doesn't really bode well.

He sounds either quite controlling, or negligent of your feelings, or so desperate to win the fight that he's blind to your wants and needs, all of which point more to him being a less than hot prospect, far more than an impending (lovely) stepdaughter tbh.

Has anyone asked this little girl what she thinks?

PosiesOfPoison · 20/10/2011 19:30

Get out now OP. Don't be part of this.

Find yourself a decent man.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/10/2011 20:16

I think people are being too harsh on the dp here. He put all that info about getting married etc on the advice of his solicitor. He is probably panicking like mad that his ex is going to take his child away and he will hardly see her and is saying whatever he thinks it will take to stop this.

If I was in his position, I'd do whatever it took too.

The real people at fault here are his ex and her new dh. When you have a child with someone, you are no longer free to just please yourself - you have to consider your child's rights to see the other parent and the other parent's right to see their child. The OP's dp is not the one trying to break up a family - his ex is the one doing that by trying to take her child away from her dad.

I wonder if the step father would be happy only seeing his child in holidays, because someone entirely unrelated to him wanted to move them to Dubai!

I do agree that the OP needs to be very clear with her dp that although she will help and support him, she will not take on the parenting role while he carries on as before. His child = him making the major life changes.

caramelwaffle · 20/10/2011 20:19

karma The dad has been offered a job in Dubai. He could be with his daughter. He has refused.

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