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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

360 replies

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:04

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

OP posts:
youllbewaiting · 20/10/2011 20:23

He was offered a job in the stepdad's company.

I don't think I'd take that job.

caramelwaffle · 20/10/2011 20:25

It's a gauge of his priorities.

MrHeadlessMan · 20/10/2011 20:29

This is nitpicking but in case someone is reading this thread for information, Dubai is not Saudi Arabia. They are different countries with different legal systems (actually Dubai is part of the UAE). Just in case someone gets involved with a legal dispute over there (though you really don't want to be part of the judicial process in either place).

MrHeadlessMan · 20/10/2011 20:32

Unlike Saudi, it is actually possible for a foreigner to have a permanent residence permit for Dubai. It can be revoked though and cannot be passed to your family.

Hulababy · 20/10/2011 20:35

But why should the dp have to move his life to Dubai because of his exp's new partner?!

I do think that the gilr's mum needs to think this throughly massively. It is not fair on the little girl to move her so far away from her dad surely?

fedupofnamechanging · 20/10/2011 20:36

Why should he have to give up his career, living with his partner, his whole lifestyle, just so the step father can go abroad? It's not practical or reasonable to imply that if he wants to see his dd, he should have to give up everything else in his life to make that happen. How about the step dad and mum realising that they have obligations which mean they can't just bugger off to Dubai?

Hulababy · 20/10/2011 20:36

It is NOT imo a gauge of his priorities at all.

If anyone has their priorities skewed, it is the girl's mum who is prioritising her new partner over her dd's right to have a close ongoing relationship with her daddy.

Morloth · 20/10/2011 21:29

I understand the fighting to keep her in the country.

But if I were the OP I would be more concerned about his intentions towards me.

It would appear he has basically moved her in so he had a 'mother' available to show the Court, without discussing this with her.

Asking someone to takeover full time parenting of your 8 year old is a huge thing and at the very least you should ask them.

Whatmeworry · 20/10/2011 22:00

There are 2 games in town - DP vs his Ex and all thevrights and wrongs there, and secondly the OP being used as a pawn in the game. The one the OP needs is concerned about is being the pawn, and I agree she has to put up her hand and say she is not playing because regardless of who you think is right/wrong it's going to get unpleasant.

topknob · 20/10/2011 22:06

part time step mum...you are very unreasonable..she is 8 ffs !

LeBOOOf · 20/10/2011 22:11

What point are you making, topknob? Confused

NorfolkBroad · 20/10/2011 22:25

caramel I think it is really unfair to suggest that because OPs DP wont take a job in a different country working for his ex partners DHs company that he is BU! Who knows what the job is? It might be totally at odds with his career. He would then be living in a foreign country not of his own choosing and at the mercy of his ex partners new husband. If the company is small it could be incredibly difficult. What if they then decide to move again or to move back to the UK?! Should he follow them once again?!

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/10/2011 22:36

feelinghorrid, you are in a dilemma and I am afraid that it is crunch time for your relationship.

Firstly, YANBU not to want to live with your step daughter.
Secondly, YABU if you think that your DP should put your needs first.

You say that life without her mum and sibling would be damaging and while that may be true, if she moves, your DP's daughter will leave her father, her friends, her school and her home. All of which will be damaging also. What the daughter will go through as a result of the decisions by the adults in her life choose is out of your control.

So, let's look at how this impacts on you. After all, that is what your post is about.

Are you going to be happy if this child lives with you?
If the answer is no, then leave the relationship.
Even if she moves with her mother and stepdad, there is always the possibility that future circumstances will involve her living with her dad. He is as much her parent as her mum is.

As difficult and horrible as this decision is, it is good that you are confronted with and have to make it early(ish) in your relationship. Because right now you can make a decision based on your own feelings and bow out with minimum damage to everyone involved. You are not a pawn, do not let anyone make you one. All you can do now is make a decision based on your own wellbeing. You don't owe your DP or his DD anything, but if you choose to give to them, then make sure that it is your choice, made for you.

fettipilou · 20/10/2011 22:48

It really gets on my nerves when you get told 'the child comes first'. Well actually no - you come first she is not your child ut speaking from experience you will be expected to be the parent but you'll get no thanks for it. If DP wins and stops the mother from relocating or gets to keep his daughter his life will be made a misery by her and subsequently yours to. Please get out now, you are only 25 you don't need to be involved with someone who already has children.

caramelwaffle · 20/10/2011 22:54

Norfolkbroad Depends on his stated priorities

caramelwaffle · 20/10/2011 22:57

Feelinghorrid's main concern should be the perjury at court and having her life mapped out without consent

AbbyAbsinthe · 20/10/2011 23:24

It's the assumption that really bothers me.

I'm like some other posters, I felt sorry for him to begin with - but now, he's coming across as rather controlling & selfish.

I still feel sorry for you though. You have your whole life ahead of you, and it's all being mapped out for you in front of your very eyes. Without even asking. That's what I find worrying.

bouleverse · 20/10/2011 23:25

OP, if this goes to court, it is likely you will have to give evidence in person.
Are you prepared to perjure yourself for this man.

Think hard about this.

eslteacher · 20/10/2011 23:26

I don't think there is any clear-cut BU or NBU here. Obviously your DP shouldn't have made assumptions about the responsibility you were willing to take for his daughter, but as some have said it could perhaps be understandable if he is doing it out of blind panic and paternal instinct. Also, the babysitter thing isn't necessarily a huge deal it's happening after the child has already gone to bed.

Lots of people have said you knew he had a kid when you got involved so you can't complain etc etc. I find this a bit simplistic. For someone who has no experience of being a parent, it's difficult to understand the magnitude of what being a stepmother involves before you actually start living it. Especially when you're distanced from the child early in your relationship with their parent because who knows if things are going to get serious etc etc? So you only start to properly interact with the stepkid them once you're already feeling pretty serious about their parent. At which point, if you start to realise that step-parenting isn't what you thought it would be...you're in a difficult situation, emotionally. It's a bit of a Catch-22.

The stepdad could be accused of BU for instigating this whole mess by wanting to up sticks to Dubai. But he has a child of his own, and could be thinking in terms of providing for her as best as he possibly can.

OP - I definitely think you should take a look at the step-parenting board and at some of the posts there about typical step-parenting issues so you have an idea of what you might be getting into. It worries me that you're acknowledging that the situation is messy, but still insisting you want to go ahead and get married next year. My feelings about step-parenting changed quite a lot over the first year that I lived with DP. The first few months it seemed like no big deal, I was just happy that DSS was a good kid and that we all got on well together. Some of the long-term realities of being a stepmother only start to hit me after a good few months in the situation, when the "novelty" had worn off, so to speak.

I think you should take time to negotiate your role in the child's life with your DP and all the other people involved, before you set your sights to marriage. It's not enough to want to go ahead and do it just because you love your DP, unfortunately. Things are a lot more complicated when there is a stepchild involved, and you'd be unreasonable not to take that into account.

eslteacher · 20/10/2011 23:26

...that should be if it's happening after the child has already gone to bed...

HansieMom · 21/10/2011 00:18

Certainly seems like he was manipulating the situation when he needed a 'family unit', so asked you to move in. Aha, now we can be a family! See, got the wife/mother figure and, furthermore, she gets home at 4 and will babysit! Plus, we are getting married. Sometime. Maybe next year.

MarianneM · 21/10/2011 01:06

YABVU
She is -of course- his priority!

WetAugust · 21/10/2011 01:26

YABU and naive to think that the DD's mother will agree to leaving her daughter behing in your DPs care.

Your DP is delusional to think that's even a remote possibility.

TBH I'd be very concerned about having a DP that felt he could control the lives of his DD's mother and new husband and try to separate his DD from her sibling just because he wanted (quite naturally) to see his DD more often.

He is being VU to think that any stay in Saudi would have to be other than temporary as they would at some point have to return. If he tries to block this he's going to have to be prepared to deal with one very pissed off couple who will probably make access to DD very difficult for him if they stay in the UK.

Relationships beak down - people move on - they remarry and their husbands take work elsewhere. Fact of life.

KatAndKit · 21/10/2011 07:00

I think just about everyone is being unreasonable.
He should not be using you as a mother figure in his court case when in fact you barely know the child and he should have talked this over with you

the mum should be putting her daughter in front of her new partners job. I would be amazed if she even considered leaving her child behind.

You should not expect your boyfriend to put hobbies before his child.

ZZZenAgain · 21/10/2011 07:09

have only read this page so sorry if I am going over ground already covered but I think I agree with fettipilou. You are only 25, you have chosen this man because you loved him and you were happy spending time with his dd every second weekend. Thinking you could cope well with the ways things were, you moved in with him and now things are to change radically, according to your dp, you are practically to become a mother for this girl who if she did come to live with you would be sad about her baby sibling and mother being abroad. It would not be at all easy for you. The mother would be furious I'd imagine.

If he was unsuccessful contesting things and the dd moved abroad, the stress would be there with dealing with his anger/hurt/frustration.

I think perhaps it would be wise to consider moving back out whilst maintaining your relationship and being supportive, lending a listening ear to this man. When you know how the situation will be, that might be the time to weigh it up and see if you can really take it on. Of course it depends on how deep your feelings for him go and just how committed you already are.

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