to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

[feelinghorrid]

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

tbh I understand how you feel. You feel you signed up for fortnightly visits, not having a permanent SD to look after.

But I would be shocked if a man chose his gf of 6 months over his own DD.

So YANBU to feel the way you do. YABU if you think he should choose you over him or expect he will.

He's not trying to control the lives of his ex and her dh - he's just trying to stop them from taking his child out of the country and away from him.

If a father decided to unilaterally bugger off abroad with the child, there'd be an outcry. This child needs her dad and it is her mum who is controlling lives here. Yes, relationships end and people move, but you can't just have total freedom when you have a child and other relationships to consider. The mother is behaving as if the child belongs to her exclusively and the dad has to just suck up whatever crumbs she throws at him.

OP, it does look as if this situation has been manipulated a bit, so he has everything in place for the court, but you know him and we do not, so only you can say what you instinctively feel to be true about his motivations. Someone asked earlier what kind of partner is he - is he generally kind and loving and considerate. All that is important.

Once again, I think you need to make clear to him that this is primarily his responsibility, so it will be his life that changes the most to accommodate his dd.

I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

OP - you are in the right on this. I'm afraid he can't control an ex's life and stop her having a family life. I think this is quite 'nasty', stopping his daughter experiencing new opportunities out of a sense of moral outrage. The daughter would have a lovely time, in a posh private school, with an undoubtedly superior education system.

In these days of easy flights, skype, email and telephones - would it really be so awful for him to fly out at half term or for her to fly over to the UK on holiday? At worst, we are talking 6 weeks apart, and lets face it, he only see's her every fortnight as it is.

Your partner needs a long hard look at what he wants to deny his child. As for taking her away from her family - well, all I can say is 'selfish git'.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. Have not read the full thread so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said but did he not even discuss this with you before he decided it would be a good idea???

This is where it all starts - the exclusion. It just gets worse from here. Other SP will know exactly what I'm talking about.

Having a child live with you permanantly is different to a fortnightly visit. Your OH is being selfish.

Reading further along this thread, I really do not blame you for the way you feel, you have only known this man for 6 months, and he expects you to be the dd primary carer without discussing things with you and respecting your views and concerns. You sound awfully nice and tolerant, I would run a mile away from the relationship. I know that his dd is his dd, and he is reacting to that situation, and is scared of loosing his dd and wants her with him, but he also has to talk to you and respect your concerns which is not going on here.

I think he should let her go to Dubai. Separating her from her DM and DS would be very traumatic. Also, you are not completely on board for having her live with you (although there is no reason why you should be).

Why is the mum and daughter's relationship deemed as being more important than the dad and daughter's relationship?

If this was the dad wanting to move him and his DD to another country then I think there'd be way more posts telling the mum to try and stop him from doing so!

I think the dad probably is being selfish in the way he is trying to get the OP to become mum to his little girl. But reckon it is just the dad panicking and trying to find any way possible to keep his little girl in the same country as him.

I suspect dad is more likely trying to get the little girl and her mum to stay int he UK rather than actually having the little girl move in.

I don't think it is, but she clearly dotes on the the younger sibling and the OP is not too keen on having her stay. Also, living in Dubai would be a great adventure for her.

It is for these reasons that I think he should let her go.

Actually, I think they should all consider going to Dubai...

My family moved to Cyprus when I was 8, and it was the best 3 years of my life. Every child should have the opportunity to live abroad IMO, she won't regret it! Perhaps someone should ask her what she wants

Trois makes a very good point. The father can see his daughter every 6 weeks. He only sees her once a fortnight now, and in three years time she will be back.

This little girl has never lived with him before, ever. It would also be traumatic for her to be separated from her sister and mother, and a stepdad who is a constant presence in her life.

Not read all the thread, but despite the mother potentially putting her marriage before the child by swaning off to another country and leaving the child behind , if that's the route she chooses, or considering depriving her daughter of regular contact with a parent if she takes her, or the father putting his needs for easy contact ahead of his daughter potentially having an excellent opportunity and depriving her of a parent he if gains custody , you are BU for not being willing to sacrifice you'd life , needs and dreams for the sake of someone else's child while the parents are unwilling to make the same sacrifices .

I think its its a load of cods whollope when people say your needs will always come last . Your needs will come last only when the parents are incapable of making the sacrifices for their child or parent them correctly . Your opinion is as important as the parents and the child's and should be taking into consideration if the man wants a future with you . If you can't discuss your feelings without being made to feel guilty or painted as a bad person then I would say your partner isn't ready for a proper grown up relationship .

I know a dad who battled about his ex moving the kids to Dubai for a contract. He fought with everything available and lost.

I suspect that whatever you think about it all there is pretty much zero chance that the dd is going to live with you instead of moving to Dubai.

I also think that if you don't have kids this would be a huge shock to your life so don't feel bad about not being thrilled and excited at the prospect.

If you have worries about becoming a full time step parent to DSD then tell your DP so, but I don't think for a moment that this is going to come down to your dp "choosing between you and his dd"

The Mum and daughters relationship is more important because the Mother is the primary care giver - the Dad has never lived with them and until this point has not been fighting for 1/2 time residency !! plus she has a baby sibling and a step dad who presumably she also has a reasonably close relationship with as she lives with him.

It may not be PC but - I personally think doing majority of the parenting majority of the time does give you some bloody rights including the right to move with jobs and presumably money as long as contact is maintained as much as possible

Your DP sounds like a dick to be honest - he should be looking at ways of making it work for everyone not just his own ego ! I bet if he even just end up having hisDD for hoildays he will not be the person doing majority of the care!

I think the step-father should go on his own.

There's always Skype, he can come back every six weeks, and it's only for 3 years.

perhaps the daughter should decide and he should accept her wishes? it will be traumatic to be wrenched from her mum, sister and stepdad. So perhaps she gets more of a say.........

to sum up:

the dp's daughter's needs should come first to him

feelinghorrid's needs should come first to her

the portrait we are getting here is of a couple who want a childless life, with the opportunity to indulge themselves and not take second place to anybody else

this is absolutely fine as far as feelinghorrid goes; she is childless and should be allowed to do what she pleases

it is not fine as far as the dp goes because he has a child: he has missed the bus as far as putting yourself first goes

if he can't understand that simple distinction- and feelinghorrid, who presumably knows him, doesn't think he can, then that's massive red alarm flags to me

"Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on."

The idea of splitting siblings up like this is terrible, surely anyone who loved the older child would not move to separate her from the younger child like this.

My two girls are very close and this morning I dreamt that DH and I split up and were told we had to have one each and I was devastated for them. Woke up all of a doodah! In that situation I would rather they were together with DH than split up. It's all a bit king whoysisface really.

King Soloman.

Very good point SardineQueen

The fact that this man is not putting his own child's needs first is a big red light.

Two number of practical options have been proposed - either his DD comes to the UK for holidays (that's a lot of time added up) or he grabs the amazing opportunity of a new job in Dubai, living near her so that he can continue to have regular contact. If your child truly comes first to you then you make those kind of changes.

The fact that he would rather drag everyone through the courts, lying along the way and without consulting his new partner, to get an arrangement which is disruptive and disadvantageous to everyone but him speaks volumes.

Hello Feelinghorrid

I have been reading through the threads with interest and it seems there are a lot of polarised views. On a slightly related matter, here's my two cents:

I'm also 25, living with a man I have known since I was 18. We started dating when I was 21, he has kids but at the time was granted no access, very complicated situation. Sadly, the kids came to us unexpectedly after mum couldnt cope anymore, and called us saying if we didnt take them, the social would. We were leaving to go on holiday that night, so we didnt go and it was the first week of the summer hols. We spoke to the social workers and found a web of problems, which we have only unravelled now, a few years later....

Its a bit more of a dramatic situation, but demonstrates the unexpected. DH drove 200 miles at weekends to go searching for his kids, got lawyers involved, the social etc. XW just didnt want him involved. They just turned up one night and thats been it ever since. We have moved house, changed car, spent all our savings, cancelled other holidays, missed out on opportunities, changed jobs, dont see friends and family as much, ran round to multitudes of hospital appointments, dental, A&E for accidents, parents evenings, spiralling costs.......(thats all part of the deal!)

However, key differences here:

*DH told me if I wasnt ready to be a step mum, I could leave, no hard feelings etc.
*The kids arrival was unexpected
*DH has always been honest with me about wanting his family back

Downside

At the beginning of a few years ago, everything went well I think because the kids needed and wanted love, felt insecure and unsure. A few years later they have all their confidence back etc, but everything both DH and I have done to secure them is at our cost. I'm not the same person I used to think I was, Ive become last all the time (not saying that is wrong btw in case of having kids, but I feel it). I'm the same age as you and life has changed dramatically. DH works evenings and weekends to support the family, so we dont see each other, we dont go out, i spend all weekend with the kids alone, i work all weekdays and we have become like a child raising machine, rather than a family. Sometimes I get very down and dont want to do it anymore, because I just dont even feel like a person. Im very lucky to be loved and wanted by all the kids, but when you experience depression you dont always see that.

It is never ending for a step parent, and I am in a position where there is no animosity with the XW now, and she is happy we have the kids and they are looked after, unlike most step parents.

Regardless of love you have to think - can I do this? Most of the time I dont think I can, but I have made promises to DH and the children now and Im not going to leave them and cause another family split for them, even if I think it.

Sorry for the long post - but I hope this illustrates a point. I was definitely more positive and happier a few years ago when I started to look after them, than I am now. It seemed so much easier then. If you are unsure now - there is a reason..

The court is very unlikely to agree to a girl of 8 deciding herself (I think she would need to be at least 12).

I agree with the posters saying that it may be the best thing for the little girl to go to Dubai and stay in as close contact with her Dad as possible.

But if the OP says that to her OH it seem to him like a betrayal.

Yes that's the chap, caramel!