to think this poster is a heap of sexist woman-blaming SHIT?

[QueenOfFlamingEverything]

Here - a nice bit of misogynism from the police in Wales.

How about a big poster suggesting helpfully "Rape. Don't be a rapist. Use your dick sensibly. Rapists feature in 100% of rapes??"

Well I imagine they vary

I know what the warning signs were when I was raped.

Of course sometimes there won't be any but there certainly was with mine- in fact they were slow build, signs of an inability to control himself in different situations but I was very young at the time, had already been sexually assaultted once and had no idea how to process that.

Indeed, i would guess the warning signs are similar to the same red flags people discuss wrt to DV, they were with him.

if that is to me saying about blame I AM TELLING YOU HOW I ACTUALLY FELT AFTER BEING RAPED IN MY OWN FUCKING HOME

I somehow think I ahve the right to be listened to and not dismissed. Becuase it actually did feel that way for me. A real person, with real wemotions and a brain etc.

I said earlier it was in now way my fault

DO NOT feel sorry for me, I don't need that

But if it happened again I could avoid it

I want that option. I don't have daughters but if I did I would want them to have that as well.

Peachy how could it possibly be your fault? Unless the position you're talking about was you placing his penis in your vagina it was not your fault.

Women place a huge amount of responsibility on themselves (and other women) to 'prevent' rape. To not put themselves 'at risk'. Maybe it's strange a way of rationalising the fact that we can't protect ourselves - we assign ourselves some of the blame, making us 'active' in something that was done to us rather than passive victims.

Read my above post please

Have a look at '10 tips to avoid rape' thread

Sometimes they're only warning signs once it's happened to you IYSWIM.

Peachy, I won't bring my story up. But I do feel that you still hold a lot of self blame. The warning signs for rapists aren't there. And it doesn't sound like they were there in your case, either.

You couldn't have avoided what happened to you. You were the victim, not the perpetrator. He was the only one who could have prevented it. Rape isn't about a lack of control. It's about the rapist exerting power and control. The dynamics of rape and DV are very different, although rape may take place (and frequently does) in DV relationships.

Please don't think that you could have avoided it. I thought that way for a long time, and it tore me apart.

I hoppe you're ok. You sound rather upset, atm.

True MArginal

Although if I had posted this man's details on here before ti ahppened there would have been 1000 posts saying red flag run like fuck.

NOT my fault but wisdom could have avoided

last christmas i was out with ex work colleagues and whilst 3 of us were at the bar a man started touching my friend around her lower back area, she gave him a filthy look and he pretended to be very offended and moved back. when she turned away again he leant in and kissed her shoulder. she told him to get lost,, again with the very offended look but this time moved back, my friend wasn't drunk, she had only just arrived so she 'had her wits about her'. it could be understandable to say she prevented an assault that night. except what she did was prevent herself getting assaulted, this guy then moved onto me. he put his hand up my dress and i told him to fuck off (which i will not apologise for as i dont think it was anywhere near as aggressive as trying to penetrate a person with your fingers without permission), he didn't fuck off, he moved away then came back at me for another go. i'm teh sort of person who can be the life and soul without touching a drop and on this occasion i was, i was driving so no drink but i was having a ball until this guy appeared. he tried again to grope me and i screamed at him to get away from me or i would hit him. he eventually got the message and moved on, no doubt to someone else. i should have reported him to the bar staff but stupidly i let my friends convince me that i had over reacted and that he was just some drunk loser. my point is that whilst being sober might have prevented me being assaulted further, it didn't stop this guy. this is proven as he moved onto me from my friend. he didn't think "oh she's not drunk i cant rape", he thought "oh she's not drunk i cant rape her, i'll move on"

Most of the people saying red flag will have found out the same way.

Peachy, you're still supposing the rapist is something that might happen if you don't keep your wits about you ... the "natural hazard" attitude, which of course it isn't as rapists have a choice whether to rape.

It's interesting that you mention red flags, and your feelings that you could/should have avoided it are exactly parallel to those of abused women going through the "How could I have been so supid?" phase of acknowledgement.

Yes, teach your daughters about red flags and abuse. Yes, I will recognise those flags when I see them again, and hope to avoid abusers in future.

But it wasn't my fault I didn't know the red flags beforehand. I was not "stupid", I didn't "make myself vulnerable" or "ask for it". I trusted in others, as I have the right to do. They used that to abuse and to rape me.
I didn't make them do it, and it wasn't my fault.

They were there DontCallMe

Like jumping in front of approaching trains to see how I reacted; wanting to marry me even as a teen immediately; financial abuse

It was a natural escaltion of a situation I would now kjnow to jip in the bud

I am not upset: this was 22 yeras ago. I just don't like being told how I feel. My life since then has held events just as significant and affecting (in very different ways) and for me at least it was just something that happened a long time ago. And that I can learn from.

Peachy, you can not be sure you would have been able to avoid it. You really can't.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie They can do those posters all they like. But they should still do this type of poster too.

It is in no way saying women are at fault of rape. it is telling women to be sensible.

Exactly the same concept of warnings about notbeing a victim of other crimes such as car theft.

i am not sure where you are all getting this idea that the poster is blaming the victims of rape. it is just upping the awareness that these people are about and that they target drunk people because they are easier targets.

x-post, Marginal. You said it more succinctly.

Those were red flags for domestic abuse, Peachy. They were not warning signs for rape. There are no warning signs for rape.

minimischief the poster actually says "Don't be a victim".

I don't think I've seen anything quite as victim blamey in my life.

It really isn't how could I be so stupid: I understand that back then I was a particularly young 16 year old. I understand so totally what happened.

It's as if people have a script of how I must feel rather than actually eharing what I am saying.

minimisschief how is it teh same as warning people about car theft? women can't lock their vaginas FFS!! they can't hide the fact that they are female in a locked garage.

I think one of the best things they could put on posters is:

It's not acceptable to touch women without permission.

It's not acceptable to harrass women when they've told you to leave them alone.

If you see someone do this to any woman tell a bouncer and they'll be removed from the pub/club.

Women are so conditioned not to 'make a fuss'. It needs to be seen and treated as socially unacceptable. One of the best pieces of info I've seen regarding red flags is the point about 'does he ignore your wishes?' If he won't take no for an answer when it comes to something like giving you personal space do you think he'll respect your desire not to have sex?

it's not nice to read people telling you how you should think and feel peachy

think it must be very helpful actually to look back and appraise various of yours and his behaviours and conclude that doing things differently and responding to cues more quickly or effectively or whatever in future will make a difference - don't see what is wrong with this, must be better than thinking 'this happened because there is something horribly and inherently wrong with me as a person' or that even more awful sense that actually nothing could have altered the outcome and that the whole world is a very dangerous and unpredictable place

Peachy
Tbh, I think a lot of young women would not recognise the "red flags", it is something that comes with a bit of maturity and experience. So, yes, it is right that we teach our daughters about these things, but in the same way that we teach them that their bodies and minds belong to them.

The biggest gift that we can give our daughters and sons is the confidence to say loud and clear, "FUCK OFF", if they are feeling threatened.

does anyone know is there a maximum prison sentance for rape?

and I think posters like the fantasy one described by MLNP above would be far more helpful all round

Not off the top of my head, Booyhoo. But I know it's not much. 5 years rings a bell.