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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 19/10/2011 23:22

'You would assume that your husband would be home that night and the dcs handed over.'

Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups
or
Assume makes an ass out of u and me

I never assume anything when it comes to care for my ds. My 'i's are dotted, my 't's crossed and everything is checked again and again, not least because we are not in the UK.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 19/10/2011 23:26

What a load of crap.

WTF are they thinking of?

I think SM arranged to go on holiday and the ex decided he didnt want her to go. Threatened her that he would fuck of if she did, she didnt belive him, called his bluff and he is such a huge fuckwit that he carried out his threat.

Leaving two small children on their own and two teenagers stressed and worried about their siblings.

I didnt think SS would be that interested and I see by the end of the thread that they arent really. They are not going to want to get involved if family are.

I have to say I think the ex is the one with the most to answer for here and I wouldnt be suprised if he is generally controlling and irresponsible.

If there was an AIBU 'I have arranged to see my family in Spain and am due to go, now OH is telling me he wont pick the DCs up from school if I go and will go on holiday himself. AIBU to think I should go?'

I would expect a lot of answers like 'he is taking the piss - you go, they are his DCs too' 'he is trying to control you, if you back down now he will do it again'

I dont think the OP is cold and heartless. I get where she is coming from although if it were me I would take the kids in. But its a lot to ask and I can understand why she is worried about her DDs.

abendbrot · 19/10/2011 23:31

Not read the thread but agree with chipping that to get your own daughter to report a 4 year old and a 7 year old to SS because you think she shouldn't be looking after them is wrong.

It's a complete mess but it's not the end of the world and it's a good thing that people step in to support a family in a crisis. I hope DD gets a lot of praise, thanks, and new shoes for her kindness to protect these little ones.

BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 09:01

This isn't what I would call a family crisis. Crisis is generally unavoidable.

This is a brat of a manchild flexing his puny muscles to teach his wife a lesson and in doing so has walked away from his responsibilities, fully expecting that someone else will run around after him, holding the fort until he feels good and ready to walk back in his house and be king of the castle once again.

He has given no thought whatsoever about his sons' care, or about his DD who is jeopardising her job to pick up the pieces after him and put the needs of HIS children before her own. The stress and upset of this must be awful for her to bear. I'm sure she is shielding the boys from the real truth of what has happened, so hopefully they will be none the wiser til SM returns on Monday.

Curiousmama · 20/10/2011 09:52

Has your dd actually spoken to the SM? It isn't just texts is it?

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 20/10/2011 10:04

I have just spoken to DD1 on the phone while she was on the bus on her way to work after dropping the DCs at school. She did a big shop at Tesco last night and took it back to the house by taxi.

The DC's have been doing her head in. She is struggling to discipline them while trying to cook for them etc and has no time for herself. She says she is trying to be nice to them and they keep asking when their mum and dad are coming back. She has been crying at night for them that they are going to go through what she and her sister went through all those years ago when he left them (with me tho - not on their own!)

She needs clean clothes for the DCs and clean sheets for the beds and she can't work their washing machine. She is hoping DD2 can work it tonight as she should be more independent by now having been at uni for the last few weeks! DD2 will be getting help from her boyfriend too. Smile

DD1 has not been able to see her boyfriend as she has been far too busy trying to get things sorted for the DCs and going to work. She is looking forward to a night off tonight, seeing Erasure and sleeping at home in her own bed. I am looking forward to having both my DDs back home with me soon :)

OP posts:
ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 20/10/2011 10:34

She can't work their washing machine? She's 19 for goodness sake!?!

The DS are doing her head in & she has no time for herself - it has been a couple of days!?!

Why can't her boyfriend go over and give her a hand?

She is looking forward to a night off?!?

Honestly, if she was mine I would be embarrassed at how difficult she is finding using a washing machine and looking after a couple of school aged kids for a couple of days. She's 19. We have parents on here at that age coping full time, many of the girls on their own.

moonshineandspellbooks · 20/10/2011 10:40

Bit harsh chipping. I am always dead impressed at young mums and how well they cope.

But, 19-year-old mums have had the benefit of 9 months to get their head round the idea of being responsible for a child, plus accumulated extensive knowledge of the children concerned by the time they get to the age of the children here, as well as having the bond between parent and child that just isn't comparable to the bond between an older, adult sibling who doesn't live there full time.

Also, if you came to my house you could have some interesting results trying to use my washing machine as all the marks/information have disappeared from the front. Could that be the case for the OPs DD?

SnapeShifterFormerlyFermit · 20/10/2011 10:50

This reply has been deleted

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 20/10/2011 10:59

When I was 19 I had left home, I was working full time (in an office) & often looking after other peoples children, both in their home & mine (long complicated story).

A washing machine is a washing machine - even if the marks/functions have rubbed off it's not too hard to work out where a standard wash is and I doubt that's the case anyway as I'm sure it would have been mentioned and she wouldn't be expecting DD2 to fare any better.

Your second paragraph I just find a bit it's a few days, it's not as though they are suddenly her responsibility for the rest of their lives - that I can understand would be a sudden and difficult thing to deal with... a few days - pah.

My god-daughter is a part time nanny (while doing her teacher training), she's 18. She picks up the 5 year old after school, the other two (10 & 12) get the bus home & meet her there. She does things with all of the kids - bakes, helps with homework, helps the older two with all manner of bits & pieces, takes them to clubs etc. She makes dinner for the whole family, pegs out washing, hoovers through, empties the dishwasher etc - generally does what needs to be done.

I'm sorry if you think it's harsh. I really don't think it's harsh - I would expect a 19 year old to be able to do this without being so 'ready for a break' after a couple of days.

Maryz · 20/10/2011 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 20/10/2011 11:03

Snapeshifter. The answer is no. I would like to help my daughter practically but I am unable to. I have enlisted some help from my DH who will be getting DD2 and her boyfriend to the school tonight. I do my best for my kids.

OP posts:
Blu · 20/10/2011 11:03

Harsh, or whatever - it's horrible and unneccessary to criticise!
These girls have stepped up to take responsibility from other older adults.

OurPlanetNeptune · 20/10/2011 11:05

Chipping get off your high horse and save your venom for the real culprit here - the father two abandoned his children. The daughters are, at least, being there for her brothers.

This is a young girl who has been forced into this situation and she is coping the best she can.

Rebel I've nothing helpful to add except I wish you all luck and I hope the children will be ok.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 20/10/2011 11:06

Maryz they have wet the bed each night that is why she needs to use the washing machine. I wonder if she checked it was plugged in?

OP posts:
OurPlanetNeptune · 20/10/2011 11:08

Surely she could find enough clothes. And they don't need clean sheets

why the hell are you criticising Maryz... you have no idea what state the 'parents' left the house in.

Maryz · 20/10/2011 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 11:12

My god, I can't believe that the DD is now getting criticism, Jesus!

Having your own child and caring for it is a FAR CRY from being dumped on by your knobhead father and having to take care of two unruly boys who will no doubt be playing up as the cat is away, and DD is not their parent. She is struggling, she's been dropped in it, and I am astounded that anyone can be so harsh as chipping and wonder how maryz knows that the sheets don't nees changing Confused

poorbuthappy · 20/10/2011 11:18

There is no way that I could have looked after 2 kids at 19. I was the youngest of my family with no nieces or nephews or even cousins to have experienced how to
Look after a child.
I would have done if of course, and they would have been fed something, bug u severely doubt they would have been clean!
Just saying it is possible to get to that age without having child experience.

Georgimama · 20/10/2011 11:20

Nor me. First nappy I ever changed was my own son's.

colken · 20/10/2011 11:25

I have baby sat for grandsons aged 4 and 6. If I don't know how something works in their house (eg washing machine), at least one of them knows where to put the detergent and what to press. They have watched Mummy doing it.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 20/10/2011 11:28

I bet DD is kicking herself now about the times I tried to show her how to use the washing machine and she never listened! Grin At least she can cook and wash up and find her way by bus. Judging by the state she left her room on Tuesday morning I can't imagine her Dad's house will be very habitable by time SM returns!

OP posts:
Maryz · 20/10/2011 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BifBof · 20/10/2011 11:43

Why are the children getting picked up from school at 7pm??

BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 11:59

After school club, DD finishes work late apparently.