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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 19/10/2011 18:28

Its not your girls responsibility to look after these children, your daughter risks her job, they are 18 and 19 for gods sake they have not chosen to be parents.

What was the mother thinking of leaving them what an irresponsible bitch.

Call Social Services and get them taken into care.

FabbyChic · 19/10/2011 18:31

Are your children supposed to finaicially provide for the kids too like feed them?

Sorry but the situation is atrocious.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 20:03

Update. Still confusing!

DD1 is with the DCs at their house making pumpkins. This is what she wants for ease of getting them to school and home and making sure they have what they need. SM has wired her £100 for food and travel. SM says she has arranged a flight home for Monday. She knows that my sister (she doesn't know her) is going to be taking care of her DCs from Friday while my DDs work over the weekend. DD tells me that SS are aware of this and are also fine with it. Hmm My sister has a lovely house with a big garden and DC's of a similar age and feels she can cope with this even though she doesn't know them!

DD has tried to contact her father and he is still ignoring her calls. DD thinks he has taken his passport and gone abroad.

DD2 is coming home on the train Thursday teatime (she was coming home for half term anyway and she has a job over here) and my DH is going to meet her and her boyfriend to drive them to the school for 7pm to collect the DCs and take them back to the DC's house for the night. He will have our young DS with him as I will be at the Erasure concert with DD1. We have a 5 seated car. There will be 6 people in it. Hmm It's the best we can do.

SM has told DD1 that she will be divorcing her husband. Sad

OP posts:
BoastingByStealth · 19/10/2011 20:06

You can tell by the ringing tone whether or not a phone is in the UK. It's slightly different if the mobile you are calling is abroad.

What a wanker.

LadyEvilEyes · 19/10/2011 20:06

Thanks for the update Rebel.
Sounds like your dds and your family have everything sorted.
The father's behaviour has left me totally speechless.

TheOriginalFAB · 19/10/2011 20:12

Rebel, maybe for the sake of the children's safety in the car you miss the concert? Or rebook? 6 people in a 5 seater car is just stupid behaviour.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 20:17

Good point original fab. I am not happy about the car situation either. I'm not going to miss the concert but I will ask one of my lovely family to take care of my DS at home.

OP posts:
BoastingByStealth · 19/10/2011 20:18

MISS ERASURE!?

ARE YOU KIDDING!?

Apart from the fact that they are AMAZING and I would give quite a numbe rof English pounds to go to one of their concerts, why should the OP forgo her night out that she has WORKED 14 HOUR SHIFTS to pay for, arranged everything for her small child, work, etc etc and no doubt bloody well looked forward to it for a hell of a long time only to have to give it up because her cunting EX has kids all over the place he is unwilling to look after.

TheOriginalFAB · 19/10/2011 20:21

Good call.

Minus273 · 19/10/2011 20:27

Glad there is something sorted out for the boys. I really hope the parents get a good metaphorical kick up the backside from SS when the deign to return. Although tbh in this instance the father seems to be worse (in relative terms)

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 19/10/2011 20:28

Wow.

It looks like the mother is doing what she can. It looks like your entire family is pulling their weight now helping the dc. That is good.
What a total idiot your ex is. Angry

I think the mother needs support. She might be right in divorcing and getting that man out of her childrens life. sort of.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 19/10/2011 20:39

Look, the mother a) thought her arsehole H would step up and b) asked the DD to help in the expectation that the father would step up. She has done her best to get back as soon as possible and sent money for feeding the DSs.
THIS MAN is a disgrace and should definitely be charged with abandonment, though the fucker will undoubtedly claim that he knew his DDs and other relatives would take care of the DC. (Basically, shitbags like him are usually right in that other family members will rally round because they prioritize the children over the need to punish a lazy, selfish, cruel man.) However, punishment for him needs to follow, wheteher that's criminal charges or eviction from the family home.

BoastingByStealth · 19/10/2011 20:45

Or both!

Curiousmama · 19/10/2011 20:53

Glad it's all sorted. Feel so sorry for the family though.

Jux · 19/10/2011 20:59

Well, the mum swanned off knowing her dh wasn't around and had told her he wouldn't be, but she still got on the flight, didn't she? I'd have missed it. You'd have missed it.

Poor boys.

You know this will happen again, don't you?

frumpet · 19/10/2011 21:04

Can i just say that even though their father is a total cock , you should be so proud of your DD's , i cant think of many 18/19 year old girls i know who could get it together enough to do what they have done so far ,so hats off to them and to you too.
As far as AIBU , you are sure arnt you that the father hasnt gone with the SM on this emergency trip abroad ?just seems a bit fishy that they are both out of the country ,unless he has form for this .
In all honesty i probably wouldnt contact SS , simply because i am a mug and would rather put myself out and have the children with people they know ,than see them in foster care . But i wouldnt judge anyone who chose to go down the SS path .

WilsonFrickett · 19/10/2011 22:12

Thanks for the update OP. you got it tight a couple of times in the thread so well done for coming back. I'm so pleased everyone is rallying round for the DCs sake. And I would really like you to tell your DDs that they are fantastic young women, from a random stranger on the Internet. Smile

Maryz · 19/10/2011 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 19/10/2011 22:34

I have no sympathy for the mother. She should not have got on that plane knowing that there was no care in place. Ad hoc arrangements are not good enough. What if dd1 had said no?

I don't go back to UK for examining meetings without having rearranged my husband's diary and making sure he is available and can get ds on the bus in the morning, and my ds is nearly 16!

runningwilde · 19/10/2011 22:40

The SM is as bad as the AWOL dad!

Selks · 19/10/2011 22:40

Yes, very well done to your DDs for stepping up to the mark. What caring and responsible young people they are. Here's some Thanks for them. I hope everyone can rally round after the crisis passes to show their appreciation to them.
How hurtful their father's behaviour has been for them, though. Sad Angry

VoldemortsNipple · 19/10/2011 22:54

But if you were married and lived with the father, and you had managed to get somebody to pick the dcs up from school, of course you would get on the plane. You would assume that your husband would be home that night and the dcs handed over.

The OP said the mother visits family without her dcs often, so I'm sure she didn't foresee this.

If we were hearing this story from the mothers perspective, she would receive plenty of support.

.

NonnoMum · 19/10/2011 22:59

Don't know if this has already been discounted, but is there any chance that the Dad has been injured or arrested or something to make him unavailable to take calls? Seems v weird...

SolidGoldVampireBat · 19/10/2011 23:08

Oh dear Nonno, have just had a flashback to the worst urban legend I ever heard (involves abandoned child, too horrid to post)...

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 23:16

I'm pleased your DD's are stepping up to look after their siblings. I am surprised you would rather they had gone into care - I don't understand that at all.

Your sister looking after them is not the end of the world. Plenty of children are looked after by paid sitters they haven't met. Your sister is one of their extended family (in a round about very extended way).

I hope the SM does kick his arse to the kerb but that your DD's maintain their relationship with her & their siblings. It isn't any of the childrens' fault that he is their father :(

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