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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 20/10/2011 12:01

Bifbof - I think it is the after school club the children attend. Whether that is the usual time they care for DCs til or whether this has been arranged by the Headteacher and SS isn't clear to me yet. DD1 will be with me tonight so hopefully I can make more sense of the situation then.

OP posts:
ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 20/10/2011 12:06

Yes - it's so very, very harsh to say that a 19 year old should be able to cope with a couple of school age kids, for a couple of days and work a washing machine. For goodness sake.

OneNeptune - did you read my first post or simply jump down my throat for my second post?

ON/Blu/BBS - this whole culture of 'poor little you' and 'aren't you a clever poppet' is not doing anyone any favours. a 19 year old should be able to mind a couple of school age kids for a couple of days and turn on a washing machine. I can't believe you'd say otherwise quite frankly.

diddl · 20/10/2011 12:07

Blimey-when a friend of mine had just had her third & moved into her house to look after her 7 & 2yr old & the 7yr old had more idea than me.

Sure & could cook, wash, clean, wash up-but entertaining them both!

And it was school holidays so all day & night for a couple of days & I was late twenties!

diddl · 20/10/2011 12:07

"I moved..."

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 20/10/2011 12:08

Of course the father is a royal shit - he's the OP's Ex, presumably for a good reason. Of course he should be hung, drawn & quartered and the mother, knowing what an absolutely useless bastard he is and still going is almost as bad. I'm not saying the the girls should be in this position, I'm not saying that it's right - I am simply saying that a 19 year old should be able to cope with 2 school age kids and a washing machine without finding it all so hard for a couple of days.

BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 12:23

Being able to cope with looking after two kids is one thing. Planning it, realising what is expected of you, being prepared for it.

Being dumped on in the middle of a working week in a new job, having to get buses to a town 15 miles from home, cope with two abandoned kids in a house that is not your own, being thrown in at the deep end, having to think for the kids and parents, not knowing where anything is, suffering the stress of the situation, the guilt and worry about SS involvement, not knowing where the dad is or if and when he intends to show his face again, trying to protect the kids from the knowledge of what an epic CUNT their father is, suddenly coping with doing a big shop, cooking for a family, school routines, getting kids up and dressed ready for school (packed lunches?) and get them there on time using public transport, THEN getting yourself off to do a long shift at work, I think this girl is fucking amazing, and if she wants to ring her mum and have a moan, then she is quite entitled to do so. Telling her it's not such a big ask is absolutely RIDICULOUS, particularly when she's been crying herself to sleep for two nights.

You are being completely unreasonable, unsupportive (thank God you aren't DD's mother) to criticise this girl in any way.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 20/10/2011 12:26

I second that Boasting Grin

OP posts:
BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 12:34

If a mother had posted on here from the POV of DD, she would get support.

"My husband has just walked out, I don't know where he is or when or if he will be back, I've no money, no car, I'm 15 miles away from anyone I know, I'm in a strange town and am struggling to cope with the kids on my own as well as hold down my job I have just started. I've already had to take time off my new job to collect the kids, I've tried to shield them from it, but I'm so upset i'm crying myself to sleep for what this arsehole has done to my children. They are wetting the bed every night and the washing machine won't work"

I think there'd be plenty of hand holding.

jesuswhatnext · 20/10/2011 12:36

well said boasting! - op, your dds sound lovely girls and im sure that they can cope for a few days, the worry would be that now they have coped that the parents will simply take it for granted in the future that they can swan off and abdicate responsiblility for their children - your dds are not responsible for the care and upbringing of their half siblings and their parents have behaved disgracfully and yet again their father has not faced any consiquences for his actions!

Georgimama · 20/10/2011 12:37

the worry would be that now they have coped that the parents will simply take it for granted in the future that they can swan off and abdicate responsiblility for their children

and that is precisely why SS need to be involved.

LadyEvilEyes · 20/10/2011 12:39

I also second Boasting
Any word from the dad, Rebel?

OurPlanetNeptune · 20/10/2011 12:50

Would not be nearly as eloquent, so all I can say is excellent post BoastingByStealth.

I'm genuinely Confused as why the daughter is getting criticised for finding it difficult the first couple of days. It is not just the practical side of looking after 2 boys but more importantly the emotional aspect she has to deal with - must be traumatic for the little boys. Let us not forget that this father has flitted in and out of his daughter's lives and the daughters have now got to watch him doing the same to their brothers. Cut them some slack.

Under these circumstances I think Rebel's daughter is entitled to a little moan. The most important thing is they are stepping up to the plate and doing all that they know how to help their brothers. The washing machine will be figured out as will the bedding and the clean clothes.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 20/10/2011 12:54

DD's father is still ignoring her texts, calls and e-mails. She thinks he has gone abroad again (he went to live overseas for 8 years after wer separated) I don't know whether he realises his wife is still abroad until next Monday and that his DD's are sorting out the care of his DSs.

OP posts:
LiegeAndLief · 20/10/2011 13:00

Erm, sometimes I struggle to discipline my two small children and get the tea done with them clinging to my legs and whining. Don't we all? I am 32 and have been doing it with varying degrees of success for 5 years.

Rebel, I think your dd sounds like she's doing brilliantly for a 19 year old with no warning and not much experience, under a lot of emotional strain.

workedoutforthebest · 20/10/2011 13:08

Devil's advocate: Dad could have had some kind of stroke. Mum perhaps cannot get a plane as early as she would like to. And you're quite happy for your daughter's little brothers to go into care??

Not that they would go into care, mind, but it will cause a lot more unnecessary stress for the children. And that is who you should be thinking about at the moment. The three of you should club together and look after the kids. When the mum and dad return, by all means bollock them to high heaven.

I had this same situation with my sister's ex-husband, when she was in hospital having a hysterectomy and he decided to do the disappearing act. I looked after her 2 children for two weeks and I was 25 weeks' pregnant with twins. It's what you do. My sister's ex-husband was a complete asshole. But it is what you do.

For the children.

jesuswhatnext · 20/10/2011 13:12

workedout - i absolutly agree that in a real emergency then everyone should step in and help out - this is not the case here! their father has not had a stroke and has in history in just sodding off! - also, taking in your sisters children is vastly different to taking in your ex husbands new family!

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 20/10/2011 13:14

Thank you Liegeandlief, OurPlaneto, LEE, Jesus and all the other supportive posters. I could never have foreseen that my ex would still be able to mess around my DD's once they reached adulthood!

I feel so so sorry for the boys. They need their mum more than ever now. I doubt she will be able to let him back in to their lives after this stunt.

OP posts:
BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 13:16

Taking in your neices or nephews whilst your sister is in hospital is a long way away from having two kids dumped on you (from the OP's POV) that you have never met, kids that your irresponsible ex has sired and abandoned, as he did your own. Who knows, this guy may have abandoned ids all over the country with various women, or even a few kids dotted about overseas from his time abroad.

The OP has a responsibility to help her DD with her siblings. this does not mean she should feel obligated to take these unfortunates (who are complete strangers to her and probably wouldn't want to be farmed out to a stranger's house) under her own roof and put her own life on hold til the parents decide to make an appearance.

i think they have muddled together fantastically.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 20/10/2011 13:17

the point is a bit moot tbh.
Trying to get those kids into care would be like trying to toothpaste back in a tube.

They are with family, there are two of them, primary school age, midweek.....

SS would stall, a few unreturned phone calls, meetings set up etc. Mother would be back by they time anything had got started.

Thus saving SS thousands of pounds and the kids a great deal more trauma.

I have pretty much been where the OPs DD is only I was a lot older and lot more experienced. If I could have kept SS out of it I would have. However if this DOES turn out to be a longer term thing they will need to be involved. Because they will be happy to let your DD look after those children and pay for them too. For ever.

Just a warning.

BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 13:21

According to my child protection social worker friend, the DD would NOT pass an assessment to continue care for the boys after an initial 4 or 5 weeks.

SS's involvement will no doubt kick in when SM returns, and they will be working with the family. I'm pretty sure they would take a dim view of SM allowing Dad back when he felt like it as he has shown he is incapable or unwilling to put the needs of his children before scoring points against the mother. The children would not be safe under his care.

BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 13:29

I was thinking about this situation and I thought of Bob Geldof taking in the love child of his ex wife Paula Yates and the man she ran off with, Michael Hutchence.

A most selfless act.

He was rightly applauded for putting the needs of his own DCs' sibling before his own feelings, but that was a different situation. The child was orphaned not abandoned so the parents could go off on their jollies and score cheap points off each other.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 20/10/2011 13:30

It would be classed as a voluntary placement anyway and there is no court order so SS would leave well alone.

Even if there were CP concerns it would still be classed as a private arrangement.

I really doubt if SS are going to be very interested in this case unless there are other issues.

HermanMumster · 20/10/2011 13:33

Don't know the answer but you should be very proud of your dds.

I wouldn't dob the mum in this time, ride it out, and then make sure you are standing behind your girls helping them to set out some very clear guidelines about their participation on future occasions.

BoastingByStealth · 20/10/2011 13:59

I wonder if the OP and DD will be informing the sister (who has agreed to have these kids over the weekend) that they are bed wetters! [hgrin]

LydiaWickham · 20/10/2011 14:12

OP - I know it's not your responsiblity at all, but is there any way you could get the day off work tomorrow? Explain it's a family crisis - most bosses when told of this situation would be sympathetic - even if it's unpaid leave. At least if you could be there, do the school run tomorrow, help your DDs out for 24 hours on this.

I know you have no legal or moral responsibility for these boys, but your DD sounds like she's struggling. Please, please, please try to be there for her .