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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 20/10/2011 22:00

TFMD- i don't know how long that was ago, but things move fast in Childrens law. There have been changes this year and are going to be again at the start of next year.

It is now the law that the LA has a duty of care towards a child that is being cared for on the 28th day, by someone who doesn't have PR. If the LA don't do that then they are acting outside of the law.

The LAC system has been overhauled and extended. Each LA has it's own guidelines and some are better than others, but they won't break the law for fear of another poor SRC. I have worked under three different LA and am at present under a very high achieving one, so i know that there is a difference.

The LA has to satisfied that the children are being cared for and that may be the case, but if an accident was to happen then the DD's would be under accussation.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 20/10/2011 22:49

Birds it was only 5mths ago.

Seriously - I am NOT anti social worker but the system is bloody crap. Every time I have to deal with it I am more and more dismayed.

I know they wont break the law. What I find depressing is that it seems the onus is on me (or whoever is trying to suppor the child/young person) to find the right bit of the law to prove to SS that I know what I am talking about.

Thing is I dont know what I am talking about. I have to go and google my head off to find the right bit of legislation to push SS to do what the should be doing.

Its good to hear you are working somewhere that is doing well. I would like to think there are lots of LAs that are meeting all the right targets. Hand on heart all my experiences have been very poor.

You will see me pop up on varioius threads defending social workers though. I dont go in for the general SW bashing you seen on MN sometimes.

NonnoMum · 20/10/2011 22:51

Good post, Bird. Don't you think SS should at least be informed?

mumblejumble · 20/10/2011 22:55

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking your dds to help take care of their younger siblings.
your ex-h is a twat.
Do the little girls have grandparents that could be involved.
Those poor children
Sad

BoastingByStealth · 21/10/2011 00:13

WRT to the washing machine: mine is very easy to work. It says
"40/30/60/90 degree wash synthetics"

and

"30/40/60/90 degree wash cottons". It also has a "Wool Wash"

so anyone could figure it out.

The one before that had 1/2/3/4...bit trickier without further info

The one before that had A/B/C/D/E....same again.

So I don't think DD should be criticised for not knowing. If anyone was going to look after my kids in my home whilst I was gone for 2 weeks, I would show them how to use the washer/shower/dish washer/central heating controls etc etc, because they are not the same every house over.

Maybe DD knows how to work OP's machine, but not this one?

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 21/10/2011 00:21

DD1 has been contacted by her father. He says he is 300 miles away. He says he left his wife on Tuesday with the DCs. He says they are splitting up due to her constant swanning off on her own. He was in tears because of what has happened. He says he will be home Friday and thanked her.

DD2 was at his house tonight. She was very anxious about her father coming back to the house while she was there so my DH went to collect her and her boyfriend and the DCs and took them to my sisters for the night. It turns out they are not at school tomorrow after all.

After the concert I collected DD2 and her boyfriend from my sisters and brought them home with me. Now I have both my DDs at home with me. I have the long shift tomorrow. Goodnight.

Erasure were amazing by the way. Grin

OP posts:
BoastingByStealth · 21/10/2011 00:31

If he left his wife with the children, why has he refused to return DD's calls?

Because he knew DD had been lumbered with his kids.

I do not believe him

caramelwaffle · 21/10/2011 00:41

Glad you enjoyed the concert. Sounds like you deserve it.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2011 03:24

Hah. He is mad because of her swanning off? He says this from a distance of 300 miles. Good of him to get in touch.

Tears? What utter bollocks. What has he been doing all this time?

The man is a prize jerk and he doesn't deserve any of his children. I hope she takes him to the cleaners and brings the children back wherever she came from when the divorce case goes to court.

OP, you have daughters to be proud of.

TheOriginalFAB · 21/10/2011 08:03

Bollocks.

BoastingByStealth · 21/10/2011 08:21

So, is DD to just hand over the kids when he swans back in ready to take over the reins after his nice little holiday?

He'll be back tomorrow?????? When he's good and fucking ready! When it suits HIM!

How about "oh my god, did she REALLY leave you with two children?" (in HIS version of events) "I'm on my way home immediately"

Will he be arrested?

diddl · 21/10/2011 08:45

So what-he went off knowing that his wife already had?

Was he trying to bully her into not going?

Willl custody be granted to the one who has done the least "swanning off"?!Confused

BoastingByStealth · 21/10/2011 08:53

Danger is, he's back first so gets his version of events in.

twooter · 21/10/2011 08:55

Why is dd2 scared of your ex?

Maryz · 21/10/2011 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 21/10/2011 09:05

He hasn't answered a call or a text since Tuesday, but I bet plenty of them said 'where are you, there is no-one to look after your kids'. What a manipulating barsteward. Can't believe the tears - what an absolute git. Angry

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 21/10/2011 09:05

Also thinking bollocks.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 21/10/2011 09:08

Adding to the general bollocks consensus.

Total twat.

ScroobiousPip · 21/10/2011 09:27

OK, both parents have been rubbish. The father particularly so. But,

  • The OPs adult DDs have done a fabulous job stepping in to look after their brothers.
  • The OPs sister has been a star taking the boys for the weekend
  • The OPs partner has stepped in and ferried the boys to the OPs sister's house.

Yet the OP doesn't seem to have done anything at all to support her DDs or their brothers other than to suggest SS take over, against her adult daughters' wishes. She has been to a pop concert, refused to take leave from work, and had no contact with the boys at all.

OP, I think you do need to do more to support your DDs - they have been wonderful, responsible adults (no doubt down to the upbringing you have given them). Please put aside any negative feelings you may have about your ex and consider giving your DDs more support to do the right thing and look after their siblings. It is really important that they are supported to form family bonds with their younger brothers - that bond will survive long after all their parents have passed on.

LadySybil · 21/10/2011 09:37

If my dd's were behaving as responsibly as the op's dd's, then i would be shouting it from the rooftops. I would be sooooo proud of them. despite a feckless father, they have grown into amazing, responsible, mature adults.

well done op for doing such a brilliant job with your children.

SecondRow · 21/10/2011 09:49

And the two boys will have woken up today in a strange house with neither of their two big sisters there to provide some kind of consistency. But at least OP has her two children home to snuggle up with, eh?

TheOriginalFAB · 21/10/2011 13:31

Definitely what ScroobiousPig said. The OP has been shockingly cold about all this. If you didn't want to help for your ex, his wife or his kids, why not do it for your daughters sake.

happyinherts · 21/10/2011 13:37

Why's everybody jumping on the OP suddenly... Has she any obligation towards these children? No.

How many of us would be able to play open house for two young boys at short notice - take them to school etc, feed them, when you have responsibilities and commitments of your own (jobs)? I know for a fact most households would struggle.

Her daughters have done admirably well, fantastically well in fact. All credit to them, but I can't see why the OP is at fault. Maybe quite rightly she doesn't want this setting a precedence - being used as unpaid childcare with no notice when it suits her ex.

RitaMorgan · 21/10/2011 14:17

The OP has her own job and child to look after! Why should she risk her jobs to look after someone else's children?

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 21/10/2011 14:27

Hang on.

I am all for keeping kids out of care and 'took on' an 8 week old baby who is now 8 and still with us. He is now our much beloved son.

BUT it is NOT something to be done lightly or if your heart is not in it. It is not a simple thing as any of the social workers on the thread will tell you.

These are the children of her twatty ex and they are no more her responsiblity than they are yours or mine. Or to put it another way they are just as much your or my responsiblity as they are hers.

I imagine a fair bit of the 'coldness' is part of protecting herself from yet more crappery from her dick of an ex.

When I took on my son I had to give up my job almost overnight.

If this is a short term thing - which it might be - the kids will be fine with their sisters and aunty (ish). If it is long term how many of YOU would contemplate giving up your jobs to look after two young children?

Bit more thought and a bit less kneejerk wouldnt go amiss.

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