To allow these kids to be taken into care?

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

Lydia - simple answer- no. I am working a 14 hour shift tomorrow as planned. I have childcare in place for my DS. I need my job and my job needs me!

DD2 and her boyfriend are caring for the DCs over night tonight, boyfriend has work tomorrow and will leave DD2 to get the DCs to school, struggle or no struggle, she is prepared for this.

My sister will be collecting them tomorrow evening to provide care over the weekend. I will warn her to buy some mattress protectors!

It's the best that can be done in a shitty situation.

TBH OP I dont blame you.

Why the hell should you clean up after your wanker of an ex again.

It would be different if the children had no where to go. I think we all have responsibilty - related or not.

But you have sorted out care for them and the will be safe and fed and warm.

OP you must be so proud of your dds, they sound lovely. This experience will bring them closer to their half brothers, which is a positive thing. And maybe it'll put them off having dc themselves for a good number of years!

Your sister has been v generous too. And your ex sounds like a total bastard!

I have sympathy for the SM, she sounds like she's doing what she can. Maybe she thought the father was going to look after them, maybe she didn't believe he would abandon them?

I can't believe people are slagging off the ops daughters. I doubt many people that age would step up so well to look after someone else's children at such short notice.

You should be proud of them op!

Neither can I sirzy, I think it sounds like they are doing a fantastic job considering. The boys will be distressed and OP's DD has the stress of not know what to tell them when they ask where their Dad is. Children are harder to discipline when they are stressed and it will be difficult for OP's DD to know how to discipline them. It is different with pre-arranged baby sitting, Nanny or Au pair situations as the children haven't been abandoned and there is time to lay the ground rules and be organised. This situation is completely different.

I'd feel a little stressed about managing the laundry and other housework in someone else's house when thrown in at the deep end. Not saying I couldn't do it but I would worry about any systems they may have that I didn't know about IYSWIM.

No one is slagging off the DDs.

saying that teenagers should be able to use a washing machine is perfectly valid.

They are doing a good job and no one is denying it.

But a 19 year old should be able to use a washing machine.

That is as far as it went so lets not make it a bigger issue than it really is.

OP I would contact SS if you are not able to look after them. The parents have but abandoned them, its not fair to expect the teenagers to look after them for two weeks when they have got jobs and have to support themselves. Yes OP your dd's sound great, you must be very proud

I have not read the whole thread but have been shocked at some of the comments about keeping the children away from social services and not wanting them to be placed with temporary foster carers.

If my DC's (God Forbid) were ever in need of care I would have no hesitation in asking SS for help. Foster carers are very well trained and vetted, they are hugely experienced at welcoming frightened children into their homes.

It is commendable that OP's DD's seem to have done a good job, but it has been hugely disruptive to their own lives and really I think the 2 little boys deserve the support of SS to make sure nothing like this happens again.

The chances of SS getting involved are next to zero serin

Why would they?

The reason why people dont want to involve SS is not because they hate FC its it because the system is a last resort and is not needs led. It is resources led and this is not a Good Thing for children.

When is the mum coming home. If your in contact with the mum op tell her to come and get her children, and try and muddle along in the meantime.

"The chances of SS getting involved are next to zero serin

Why would they?"

Because the only person willing to care for the children has left the country. You cannot just leave our children with teenagers whilst you go off on an badly planned trip, not without making adequete arrangements. The DD's have not been given the right to consentin the place of the mother. As i said if it gets to 28 days, then under the law you have to contact SS, if the father will not take over.

SS would assess the situation, only if they found the DD's as unable to manage, would FC be sought. The 'system' varies between L.A's on whether it is resource led and not needs lead.

Actually it's perfectly reasonable not to be able to use a washing machine if you don't have much experience of them and don't have the instruction leaflet to hand. Or a TV, or dishwasher, or DVD or practically any electric item. A plain, simple old On/Off button is a thing of the past, with my stupid dishwasher there are 2 buttons to press and the only reason I know that is because I read the instruction leaflet. The one that looks as if it will turn it on, doesn't unless the other one is pressed first and woe betide you if you do it the wrong way round.

It's just incredible that some people can't resist sneering at young people who just don't measure up to their exacting standards. Jesus.

Viz the mother, I expect she didn't realise just what a dick her husband is. Denial is a wonderful thing and right up until someone does something as awful as this, people tell themselves that basically, they have a good relationship with a few ups and downs. If any of you lot had had a row with your DH and he threatened not to look after the kids if you were going away, would you honestly think that he would carry out that threat? And if you did, why are you married to him? For all those who say they wouldn't get on the plane, do you really think your husbands are so bloody awful? Why are you with him then? I expect that this woman was in the same psychological place that most women would be in - cross about the argument, but not thinking for one moment that he meant what he said.

Yes in theory of course they should but they wont because they do not have the resources to get inolved with what could be put down to a 'mix up' in arrangements.

There are not enough SWs in most LAs to do more than an intial visit in a case like this.

All LAs are in theory needs lead because that is the law. In practice I think we all know it isnt the case because that is life.

The father has disappeared but the mother is due back and the siblings are caring for the kids. Why would SS use their scarce resources in a case like this?

If mum didnt come back that would be another matter because their legal guardians would have abandoned them.

Mum on holiday, dad pfft and kids at aunty's. No chance.

No one is sneering at anyone.

And of bloody course and adult should be able to use a washing machine.

Why?

If you're not familiar with them, why?

When you get your own, you read the instruction leaflet and you can use it. Or you get the person who has read the instruction leaflet, to tell you how to use it. That person isn't there in this case and most people don't keep the instruction leaflet once they've read it once (unless they are very organised).

But I don't need to know how to work all the washing machines in the street. Just my own.

If you are not familiar with a washing machine by the time you reach adulthood something aint right.

They are not that complicated. I am not going to divert the whole thread discussing this but come off it.

You press a couple of buttons and something will get washed.

rebel - regarding matress protectors - get those disposable baby changing mats - they have an absorbent top and plastic lining and won't cost the earth. Be strong for the little ones.

Actually if you're only familiar with one (your family one) you may well not know how to use another one.

I just think it's unreasonable to declare categorically, that all adults should be able to work all washing machines in all circumstances.

And maybe she's scared she'll ruin the clothes if she just presses random buttons. That's not a character failing.

"Yes in theory of course they should but they wont because they do not have the resources to get inolved with what could be put down to a 'mix up' in arrangements."

The SW would visit the home and request a contact number for the mother and the father, if they could not be contacted then thety would assess if the DD's could care for them, for the time being.

Then they would take it from there, they would not just walk away from this.

As i said when it reaches 28 days (if it does) the children will come under the 'Looked after' system and would be under a 'LAC' plan.

But the mother was only due to go away for two weeks.

So unless she is lying that is not going to happen.

Its not about walking away. I am not a social worker basher.

I dont know where you work but trying to get a child LAC status where I live is like pulling bloody teeth. It took me weeks of wrangling and shoving bits of legislation under noses to acheive it. For a child with a dead father and a mother unwilling to care for her. And I am not even remotely related to her. Apparently it was a 'private foster care' arrangement even though I have never actually spoken to the child's family, let alone made care arrangements with them.

IME if there is someone willing to care for a child (or at least not chuck them out) they will be left to get on with it. Even if there is not enough room, not enough money and the slightest link to the child.

Yes I agree with MrsdV. Of course there is variation throughout the country, different areas have different priorities, but I think even more so than normal in the current financial crisis, you'll be hard pushed to find a SS dept that has the resources to take children into care.

That's just not going to happen. There simply isn't enough money for that. These children are not at risk enough.

The bar is being set higher and higher Wooooo

SS are going to be reactive through no fault of their own.

As support services are cut more families are going to get to crisis point and get to CP because the interventions are just not there anymore.

BUt that is a different and even more depressing thread.

OP you should be veryproud of your dds, they have stepped up when no one else could/would and although struggling, seem to be doing the best they can. What a hoprrible situation to be in BUT least it might put them off kids for another 20+ years