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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at friend's comment re: c section

80 replies

scuzy · 19/10/2011 09:18

a dear friend of mine is due her first baby in a month's time. she was talking about how scared she was of the birth. i was trying to reassure her saying she will be fine etc and she turned around and laughed and said what would you know ... you had a section!

i beat myself up for a long time after having ds by elective section (i'm 5 foot, had spd and he weighed 10lbs 130zs) thinking i was a failure etc. i realised i was being silly but felt i misedd out on not having contractions or a natural birth.

aibu to be hurt or am i just too over sensitive? i mean he did come out of me i did give birth i feel.

OP posts:
Arachnophobic · 19/10/2011 09:26

I think your upset lies in the fact that your mate thinks you had the easy option and this was an option you didn't want but had no control over. For that YANbU.

But having had an emergency CS and later an elective CS myself, I DO think it is an easy option in terms of childbirth, and understand why your friend said it. For that reason YABU to be upset.

MilyP · 19/10/2011 09:27

I think YABU. Not in a horrible way, just as you say, a bit over sensitive. But your friend was probably a bit insensitive too - maybe she doesn't realise how hard you found the decision to have a c-section.

I had a c section (being induced not really working) and if someone said that too me, well I think I would have to agree. As I didn't have a natural birth my reasurances that it would all be ok aren't really very helpful. I could however reasure about what its like if she needed a section.

Don't allow this comment let those old feelings of being a failure for not having a natural birth come to the surface. You are not a failure you just chose the best option for you at the time. That is a big baby - think of your poor fanjo!!

lollipoppet · 19/10/2011 09:28

Yanbu. I would be really hurt by a comment like that too.
I still get upset when I think that I missed out on pushing the baby out/ "giving birth" (i was in labour for a very long time but wouldn't dilate no matter what they tried so c sec it was)
I get really annoyed when people trivialise c sections, or even wish they could have one! I can't describe the amount of pain, both physical and emotional that I felt afterwards.
Dp thinks I am silly and I probably am, we have a perfect baby, I should be grateful and obviously I am but just can't help still feeling sad about the birth :(

badmummy101 · 19/10/2011 09:30

your friend was a bit harsh, but right. if she has a 'normal' labour with vaginal delivery you have never been through it so dont know what it is like.

porcamiseria · 19/10/2011 09:31

she has got a point, sorry!

vixsatis · 19/10/2011 09:33

Get a grip! She made a flip comment; you very sensibly had a c section- think of what you have saved your pelvic floor.

There are bigger things in life to worry about

pollyblue · 19/10/2011 09:33

Well it's a sensitive subject isn't it? I've had two sections - I had placenta previa with dd1 and twins the second time around, so really had little choice either time.

Yes, alright, having a section means you miss labour and the vaginal birth BUT (IME) the recovery from a section is much longer and (again ime) pretty painful. After my 2nd section my wound opened both ends, i developed infections and was on antibiotics for a month. You're also very limited in what you can do for some time - no heavy lifting or driving etc. It is major surgery.

So while you're a bit over-sensitve about it, I think your friend is a bit ignorant about the realities of a section.

HauntyMython · 19/10/2011 09:33

It sounds like you are upset because you feel guilty - if you feel like you haven't done it 'properly' then you may be more sensitive to perceived criticism.

But YANBU, she was silly to say that. And I (2 VBs, no CSs) don't think it's the easy option anyway - it may be routine but it is still major surgery! It's harder to recover from than VB too. Anyway you had SPD and a whopper baby, it's not like you had an ELCS because you couldn't be arsed is it.

I'm sure she didn't mean to insult you but she was a bit insensitive - as it's her first she doesn't realise what a massively personal experience birth is, and how it can really affect you.

It was a throwaway comment, so move on - you made the right choice for you, hopefully she will have a decent birth (whatever the method), the baby is what matters really :)

squeakyfreakytoy · 19/10/2011 09:33

I know I would rather have stitches in my belly than stitches in my undercarriage!

I wouldnt consider any woman who had a CS to have been a failure in any way at all. I havent given birth, but I know it would be my preferred method of delivery if I could choose, having been at a vaginal birth and it wasnt a pleasant experience for me, never mind my best mate who was the one doing the labour.

You carried a baby and brought it into the world, the way he came into it is irrelevant in my view.

So, what I am saying is, your mate isnt being unreasonable to say that you dont know what a vaginal birth feels like.. (and she may have to have a CS herself anyway).. but you are being unreasonable if you think you were a failure, you werent!! :)

loudee · 19/10/2011 09:34

I don't think YABU to feel upset at her insensitive comments.

But could she talking about it terms of the procedure rather than with any judgement attached? As in, if she was worried about having CS and you'd had vaginal birth and you reassured her she'd be fine, would it upset you if she said 'what would you know you had a vaginal birth?'

She might just see them as different experiences, not one better than the other. Still insensitive though I think, especially if she knows how hard a decision you found it.

AMumInScotland · 19/10/2011 09:35

Well, I see her point - you can't really say "Of course it'll all be fine" when you didn't actually go through that process yourself. I don't mean a CS was an easy option, at the time or while recovering. But "What would you know?" is a fair enough question. You don't actually know, do you?

cakeoclock · 19/10/2011 09:36

YAB a bit U sorry, just a bit to sensitive. Seriously I have done both and had a majorly botched c section which was still much easier than my water birth and horrendous tears! I still wince when I think about it.

Forget any guilt. She was being cheeky, you should have said "true, at least I don't have to worry about any changes downstairs"

HauntyMython · 19/10/2011 09:37

It makes me so sad that so many women feel they failed in some way - by having a CS, or forceps, or an epidural or whatever. Why the guilt? We should be proud, no matter how baby arrives. There is too much pressure on women to have the perfect birth, it's no wonder it's a contributor to PND :(

microfight · 19/10/2011 09:37

YANBU
I hope you put her straight that you were just trying to reassure her not from your own experience and that she was wrong to assume that.

I had an elective c section (very happy with choice) and when I have been in that situation I tend to preface things by saying "not that I have experience but"..... many women do it and get through it blah blah!

Maybe it's easier for me because I have no regrets of my c section, in fact it was a fab experience so if someone said that to me I'd probably laugh and say true, thinking quietly to myself thank god I didn't have to go through it. Having said that I can't imagine any of my friends saying something like that!

cakeoclock · 19/10/2011 09:37

too no to

Arion · 19/10/2011 09:38

She's right that you don't know what contractions and labour is like, but that doesn't necessarily follow that she thinks a c section is an easy option.

Dc1 was induced, episiotomy, forceps, horrendous, but I was glad to have avoided a c section as it's major surgery.

Dc2 homebirth, no stitches needed, went to Sainsburys with DH the next day to do the shopping.

In some cases labour can be the easy option!

You carried the child and gave birth to a healthy child, that is the main point, not whether it came out of the trunk or the sunroof!

cory · 19/10/2011 09:42

You felt she was making light of your experience and tbh she probably was. But then again, she probably did it because she felt you were making light of her fears.

Saying you'll be fine can sound like "you have no right to worry" to somebody who is feeling a bit over sensitive.

I've had one of each and I don't think there's much in it; I gave birth to d as much as to dd, just in a different way.

Having said that, I would expect that a woman who is nervous of her first birth needs her feelings to take a little bit of priority.

Original poster
scuzy · 19/10/2011 09:45

thanks for the replies guys. no i didnt say anything to her just laughed it off as i think its my own feelings on the topic that made me upset. i know i dont KNOW what it feels like but was just talking to her about different things that i read and was sharing info etc.

i would have rathered a vaginal delivery believe me as the down time after a section and pain was awful.

she has rang me a different stages when she was worried etc and asks me advice so it was a normal convo but i was thinking about it for ages afterwards and really wondered if she thought "sue what would you know you had a section!" which upset me.

OP posts:
Rollon2012 · 19/10/2011 09:45

YANBU i think that was insensitive , tbh c sections are longer to recover from dont you like basically wake up with no stomach muscles and have to lie flat?

my mum did back in the 90's , I have a gas & air birth loads of stitching 3rd degree tear and haemorraghed but I still 'bounced back'

i think tbh its harder somtimes.recovery wise

SinicalSal · 19/10/2011 09:46

Well, I've had both, for VB the hard part is during the birth itself and CS the hard part is the recovery. It's not exactly like for like, and neither are much fun tbh. And yes you did give birth to your gorgeous baby so don't dare feel inadequate for that! Your friend was a bit rude to belittle your experience like that, though I suppose you should make allowances for a frightened first timer.

Never mind her flippant remark, as long as YOU feel proud you did the right thing for yourself and your baby. The right thing, the important thing and the difficult thing. We all do that in our birth choices, whatever they are.

Original poster
scuzy · 19/10/2011 09:47

ah cory i def wasnt making light of her worries ... was reassuring her. she is a very healthy person does exercise everything was commenting saying she looked great was still wearing her wedding rings etc was all bump etc and was saying she has a great start and looked after herself and that it will all help during the labour etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
scuzy · 19/10/2011 09:48

yes she is a first time mum to be so i didnt show i was upset like i said its probably more my own feelings on the issue but saddens me that i felt she thought a section was the easier option.

OP posts:
Original poster
scuzy · 19/10/2011 09:49

and its not the first time i've heard that comment amongst my friends and colleague. am the only one who had a section.

OP posts:
MollyTheMole · 19/10/2011 09:50

Ive done both (had ELCS 3 weeks ago and it was textbook) and give me a vaginal birth any day, for me thats the easy option. And I say that as someone who had a nearly 40 hour labour, 4 failed epidurals and 3rd degree tear that needed repair under a spinal. Oh and then I had to have a catheter in for 4 days and a 5 day stay in hospital.

The only reason I opted for a ELCS this time was I was worried about incontince problems when older, if I had a crystal ball that showed I would not have these problems then I wouldnt have even contemplated the ELCS.

Moominsarescary · 19/10/2011 09:52

Yanbu I gave birth to my first 2 naturally, ds1 was 11 lb 2 and it took an hour to sew my fanjo back up , I had an emcs with my 3rd and give me the natural birth and fanjo tearing any day, I took alot longer to recover from the cs, it certainly isn't the easy option.