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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at friend's comment re: c section

80 replies

scuzy · 19/10/2011 09:18

a dear friend of mine is due her first baby in a month's time. she was talking about how scared she was of the birth. i was trying to reassure her saying she will be fine etc and she turned around and laughed and said what would you know ... you had a section!

i beat myself up for a long time after having ds by elective section (i'm 5 foot, had spd and he weighed 10lbs 130zs) thinking i was a failure etc. i realised i was being silly but felt i misedd out on not having contractions or a natural birth.

aibu to be hurt or am i just too over sensitive? i mean he did come out of me i did give birth i feel.

OP posts:
fastweb · 19/10/2011 10:51

Really you are swapping a labour for a recovery period

Or getting BOTH!

Offically mine was elective. As in I elected for them doing the C after 24 hours of enforced med free woman tourture, and incentivised them in my election with me threatening to go for a homemade job with my trusty tweezzers if they held on to see if my cervics would finally get with the programme.

Yeah I wish having a c automatically means you have no idea what evil boa constrictors labour feels like.

He is 11 years old. When is this famous "oh you'll forget all the pain when you have your baby" bollocks going to kick in ?

Hmmm? HMMMMMM?

You know it is 2011, you'd have thought they'd have learned how to grow babies in an (attractively decorated to match living room decor) detachable growbag by now.

So much for progress.

Blueberties · 19/10/2011 10:53

Yanbu, I'd rather have a vaginal birth than a c section anytime. C-sections are TOUGH.

Everyone's different but youknow, tuppenceworth.

I would have given her my opinion with enthusiasm.

oranges123 · 19/10/2011 11:09

Oh bollocks to the whole "C-section is not really giving birth" crap. True, you may not have to go through labour, at least not if you have an elective CS, but the baby still comes out of you - who gives out the prizes for posting it out of the correct hole?

I do not get why people insist on making birth a competition. I admit I was curious before I gave birth as to how much pain I would be able to stand, in the same sort of way I have sometimes idly wondered how much torture I would have been able to stand if the Gestapo had got me during the war. Turns out, if my labour performance was anything to go by, they could have waved a catheter tube at me and the Resistance would have been doomed.

As it so happened, I had induction, epidural, failed forceps and an EMCS under GA, ended up back in hospital without the baby for several days with a suspected clot on my lung, but still, all things considered, I am pretty glad I didn't have stitches in my undercarriage, and I can still cough without peeing (mostly).

Oh, and I have a gorgeous baby, which I wouldn't have had if I had insisted on not have a CS.

Given your circumstances, chances are if you had not opted for an ELCS, you would still have ended up with an EMCS, and possibly trying to recover from that as well as an episiotomy - not a pleasant option.

YANBU for being sensitive as people do set the whole thing up as a test to pass or fail. But it is their problem, not yours.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/10/2011 11:12

Well she wasn't saying that you hadn't given birth but just that you've had o experience of a vaginal birth so you can't know what that's like. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you. Forget it, she will be worried at the moment about things.

I had to have an em lscs, I still feel i gave birth to dd as of course you did to your ds. But I have no idea what it feels like to push a baby out.

fastweb · 19/10/2011 11:14

Turns out, if my labour performance was anything to go by, they could have waved a catheter tube at me and the Resistance would have been doomed.

Grin, but with empathy and solidarity.

NoseyNooNoo · 19/10/2011 11:16

I think your friend is being insensitive.

Lots of people give opinions about childbirth. You don't have to have experienced it to have an opinion on it.

I suspect she is really scared and is jealous that you didn't have to go through an experience that she is dreading.

I can understand why you may be disappointed by your experience but you had a very good reasons for making that decision so do not allow anyone to undermine you. In the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter how a baby is delivered, as long as it is delivered safely.

Perhaps if it is mentioned again you could tell her how you feel when she says it. It could be a worthwhile conversation.

And you are not a failure!

banana87 · 19/10/2011 11:21

As a pregnant person expecting DC2 and bricking it because 1) she's huge and 2)I have SPD which is getting worse by the day (and still at least 3 weeks to go)...I think she said it without thinking. I know because I have been saying LOADS without thinking lately, as I am so preoccupied by my own worries. Try not to take it to heart, you did what you had to do, and at the time CS was probably the best thing YOU could have done.

ragged · 19/10/2011 11:22

mmm.... I think you might want to ask your mate what she meant. I suspect she's saying specifically that the idea of squeezing a baby out her fanjo is scarey. (And you haven't missed out on anything special there, believe me [hwink]). If she doesn't think that's a genuine childbirth experience then she's a turnip brain, but hopefully she'll improve post placenta removal.

Your childbirth experience is as valid as anybody's.
Bet your mate will end up with em. CS after all, anyway! People always worry about the wrong things in pregnancy.

Original poster
scuzy · 19/10/2011 11:22

ah i did for a long time though feel a failure. also was so determined to bf but when he got jaundice and got used to teat on top up formula he was getting he wouldnt latch again. i remember being manhandled by 3 nurses squeezing and pulling my boobs trying to get ds to latch and me with tears streaming down my face. i wanted to get home so bad. i expressed for 6 weeks. so with everything going on i did feel a failure. but i look at him now and know i'm not.

next kid i hope i can have naturally i just want to feel it all. however if it doesnt go that way i just want him happy and healthy.

if my friend says something again (i really dont think she thought it would be hurtful) i will say how i felt.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/10/2011 11:28

You sound as bad as each other.

Sorry, but I hate the patronising "you´ll be all right".

Oh, OK, silly me, I´ll stop worrying then.Hmm

Nobody knows what will happen-which is why it´s so scary!

oranges123 · 19/10/2011 11:33

Oh God, that's right Scuzy. You move from the failure of a CS to the failure of not being able to BF - all went tits up (apologies) for me too. Then comes weaning - oh the many and varied ways you can fail at that too - everyone else's babies and toddlers practically inhale broccoli and fish pie (apparently). Even at 2, the only vegetable DD will eat is carrot and only then if it is in some sort of stew/bolognese - although we do now in our house have white carrots, yellow carrots and even green carrots. The RHS would be very impressed.

"i just want to feel it all" - having felt some of it, by no means all, I do wonder whether that is a statement you will look back on and laugh at.... But who am I to judge?

ragged · 19/10/2011 11:33

i just want to feel it all

I think you're a bit mad on that point, I truly do.

But good luck in future, whatever happens.

Original poster
scuzy · 19/10/2011 11:39

ok phrased badly but i would like to have a natural birth. thats what i meant. i cant explain why but i do. yes probably if it does happen i will look back and think "ffs scuzy what were ye shitting on about??".

and i swear i wasnt trying to be patronising with the "you'll be alright" approach.

OP posts:
fastweb · 19/10/2011 11:49

""ffs scuzy what were ye shitting on about??""

Grin story of my maternal life.

Just this week I was bemoaning the amount of energy I used up on angst and upset Over things like potty training, weaning and learning to walk faster so people woild stop making comments. Cos had I known then what I know now I would have saved it up to leave me better able to deal with Homework Hell.

And in five/ten years no doubt I'll be wondering what on earth I was getting so upset about homework for as I live in constant fear of him getting somebody pregnant, not finding work and being out and about when squiffy.

I'm the sort of person who opens advent calender windows in advance cos I can't stand the suspense.

So I sort of wish there was a fast forward button on my lad, so I could peek ahead, then rewind and just relax and enjoy the ride, forewarned.

Original poster
scuzy · 19/10/2011 11:54

lol fastweb. i see i sound like a bit of a nutjob alright ... just saying i wanted the experience myself is all. but if i have another section so be it.

OP posts:
justcallmemummypig · 19/10/2011 11:57

Having had an elcs and a nat. birth i would personally say that a section is the easy option, but everyones experiences are different.

I think you are being sensitive sorry.

ninjasquirrel · 19/10/2011 12:00

I think if she was insensitive, it would probably be because she didn't realise there was anything to be sensitive about - that is if you had never explained to her how you felt about your birth experience. As someone thinking about vaginal birth as a frightening thing to be endured in order to get her baby, it probably wouldn't occur to her that you could feel that you had 'missed out' or feel like a failure. I wouldn't be surprised if she did envy you a bit, even if she knows about the difficulty of recovering from a c-section. Different people think about childbirth in very different ways.

Original poster
scuzy · 19/10/2011 12:01

yes i agree iabu .... its my own issues making me ultra sensitive.

OP posts:
oranges123 · 19/10/2011 12:06

Grin fastweb. I see my life unfold ahead of me in your post. Except I am the one who will be worrying that DD will be got pregnant rather than the other way round. And we have not even reached potty training yet! (Although naturally, in the opinion of others (the previous generation, that is), not having started at 23 months, we are leaving it irresponsibly late).

slavetofilofax · 19/10/2011 12:16

Sorry, but ELCS are the easy option when it comes to birth. Seems a lot easier to me to lie there pain free and let someone else do it than have to feel your fanjo tearing after hours and hours in agony with nothing but gas and air.

Recovery is different, and either type of recovery could be better or worse than the other.

Either way, the method of getting the baby into the world is a miniscule part of parenting, and shouldn't be looked upon as something that is so important. The only thing that matters is a heathy baby and Mum at the end of it.

Faffalina · 19/10/2011 12:16

There wasn't any need for her to say that. Put it down to preg hormones!

Summerblaze · 19/10/2011 12:22

Haven't read the other posts as just on my way out so sorry if I am repeating.

I haven't had a c section but my sister did. It wasn't a planned one. She is pg again and really wants to do it naturally and thinks she is a failure if she doesn't manage it. I have told her not to be stupid. She has still carried the baby safely for 9 months.

I personally don't know how painful c section is against the pain of labour but I do know that I don't ever want a c section. From what I am told (from those that have had both), labour is obviously worse than the c section but the after pain is worse with a section. You also can't do much for 6 weeks whereas a week or so later after a vaginal birth you are nearly back to normal. I have also never had an epidural which is a thing you have to have with a section and many of my friends have ongoing back problems from these.

YANBU

fastweb · 19/10/2011 12:23

Except I am the one who will be worrying that DD will be got pregnant rather than the other way round

And we both need to limber up for their full adulthood - redundancy, divorces, gramdchildren playing up, being poorly or worse still being allowed to cross lorry infested roads ALL ALONE!!

There is no end in sight !

Do you think there is grandmother olympics and MIL olympics for when we graduate ?

Or will we have used up our life's quota of angst by then ?

diddl · 19/10/2011 12:25

I will also say though that when someone says that they are scared of giving birth, I wonder what response they are wanting/expecting.

I was terrified at the thought-but more so at the thought of an epidural-which my MW suggested I had in case I needed a CS.

I certainly don´t see CS as the "easy option".

I think unless your friend has a history of nasty comments then she didn´t mean anything by it.

fastweb · 19/10/2011 12:37

I will also say though that when someone says that they are scared of giving birth, I wonder what response they are wanting/expecting

It's tricky isn't it. Do you tell them (your version of) the truth, complete with re-emactments to show just HOW fucking much it hurt.

Or do you (lie through your teeth and) play it down and make supportive noises.

For fear of scaring the pregnant out of a person by going with Da Troof (am very good at re-enactments, with dramtised sound effects) and not wanting to have her bop me one post birth for failing to be more forthcoming by making soothing noises, I plump for choice C.

Asking questions.

How do you feel about that?

What part scares you ?

What would prefer to do in that situation?

What are the options you like the sound of if that, highly unlikely promise gov, situation happens?

It might not be very helpful info wise, but most of the time I think people just want the chance to get all their freak out off their chest so they can regroup their (justifiably) terrified mind and keep on ignoring the birth until it happens.