AIBU to be pissed off at friend's comment re: c section

[scuzy]

a dear friend of mine is due her first baby in a month's time. she was talking about how scared she was of the birth. i was trying to reassure her saying she will be fine etc and she turned around and laughed and said what would you know ... you had a section!

i beat myself up for a long time after having ds by elective section (i'm 5 foot, had spd and he weighed 10lbs 130zs) thinking i was a failure etc. i realised i was being silly but felt i misedd out on not having contractions or a natural birth.

aibu to be hurt or am i just too over sensitive? i mean he did come out of me i did give birth i feel.

I think there's a lot of people who believe a section is easy. All the headlines about how celebs have them because they're "too posh to push" makes it sound like you can pay your way out of a difficult chore by having one instead of "doing the work yourself".

But if your friend makes mum-friends at antenatal or baby groups, she'll soon meet plenty of people who had sections and will realise that they were not an easy option at all, when they compare their gory birth stories.

She probably knows very little about it at this stage.

I haven't had a cs but have had 2 vb's. Was walking around and fine (ish) within a couple of hours. I saw how my friends who have had cs's have struggled for weeks/months with the pain of what is a huge operation.

Your friend thinks it is the easy option because she is scared of the pain of contractions and would probably like a cs if she could. However, I think you have had the tough option, you may not have had the contractions/crowning etc but you had to recover from a big op and look after a new born. IMO more difficult.

Rollon
I think it was very different back in the 90's. My section was very calm as it was planned and I held my baby sitting up straight away after the procedure which was 40 mins in total. I was walking around later that day, albeit with a localised epidural so I could feel any pain. I had pain management through out so I never experienced any pain at all. I think an emergency procedure can be a very different experience.
I came home 2 days later and was up and about doing normal things but just being a bit careful. It was truly a great experience.

It never even occurred to me to feel guilty about having a section until I went on MN! How could you be a failure? I had a difficult pregnancy and labour, the fact that we are both here alive and well is a huge success in my books. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You did great!

I think YANBU. Do we need to have personal experience with things to reassure people? I was not able to BF for example -- if a friend of mine says she's worried about it, should I say, 'Oh you should be, it's never going to work, might as well give up now'? Or should I say it will be fine?

Try to put it out of your mind: she doesn't know anything about it, she's hormonal, she is at a stage of her life where her own feelings are taking centre stage- I know I was totally unreasonably at this stage of my pregnancy. Hopefully she will gain more of a perspective later on. Not to mention that she doesn't know yet how she will be giving birth.

It's probably a combo of what she said and an awful lot of the white noise in general about c-sections that is causing what is upsetting you.

Love you gave birth, no you might not be able to help her much with what to expect with a vaginal birth, but if she wants to consider that birth plans can go awry, you could yet prove invaluable as far as "what to expect if you end up with a C" goes.

Mind you, I'm not sure what good other women's expereince do really.

Unless they were all LYING THROUGH THEIR TEETH to me before I went inot labour.

"You'll be fine" my left bum cheek.

Unless feeling like you are being painfully squeezed to death by a boa constrictor is somebody's definition of fine ?

I wound up with a C (thank god, cos my plan B was dragging myself to a window and throwing myself out to make.it.stop) and remain truely grateful.

Maybe cut her some slack due to late pregnancy grumpyness and fear of the unknown rather than it being a sign she is dissing the way you gave birth.

I have a slight suspition I was not diplomacy itself in those last few months. (photos of me looking like an enraged hot air ballon and all the people around me keeping a safe distance offer a clue)

Perhaps when she talks she is looking to offload rather than get advice ? In which case maybe just somebody to listen and comiserate is what she needs ?

Sigh. The thing is it really, really doesn't matter how the baby got here. As I recall no-one appears after childbirth with medals for length or manner of labour/delivery. Will your child hold a CS against you? No.

Your friend us being a person with no child birth experience ( mwahahaha at her naivety) and you're being a clot for letting her get you upset.

If, on the other hand there were medals and was overlooked there will be letters written promptly.

YANBU. I arrived at hospital 9cm dilated with DD in serious distress (unknown to me at the time). Was wheeled through for crash section under GA fully dilated with DD beginning to descend. Commented to my lovely mother that I hadn't thought the birth was that bad and it hadn't put me off having more children, to which she snorted 'What would you know about childbirth, you were fast asleep'

The suggestion is that C-section isn't really 'birth', which is really upsetting IMO.

My mum was all gung-ho about caesareans, how you know what day you'll have the baby and none of the labour part, etc you just go in and have the baby and then go home! I had to have a caesarean with DD because she was an undiagnosed breech and I think my mum was shocked when she came to visit around 3-4 hours after the section and I was stuck in bed with a drip, etc. unable to reach into the cot for the baby, unable to pull myself into a sitting position without the aid of the moveable bed, and scoffing down some heavy duty painkillers everytime the staff brought them to me. She's seen my recovery firsthand and doesn't see it as the brilliant option now.

I've had a VB with a second degree tear and I was up and about virtually straight away, I walked from the delivery suite to the post-natal ward and wasn't confined to a bed at all, I was able to look after DS with no help, and I was out walking with the pram two days later, I bounced back. The caesarean has been much harder, five weeks in its getting easier and I can do more but the first couple of days and weeks were horrendous. The day I came home from the hospital (day three) I cried my eyes out because I was in so much pain everytime I moved, because I felt useless "like a fat slug just sat melting into the sofa", and because I wanted to be able to do all of the things I would normally be doing. Even five weeks on I'm only about halfway through the timeline of "do's and dont's" the hospital gave me. It's not as simple as a little cut and a few stitches in the belly, it major surgery and the stitching is more like quilting, the fact it takes five minutes to open but 45 minutes to stitch closed tells you how deep they go and how complex it is. My VB stitches were healed in two weeks, my CS won't be considered healed until 12 weeks.

YANBU, you meant your comment in the context of statistically she'll be fine, loads of women give birth every day, etc. To be fair though she probably didn't think her comment through or realise the full impact of it, few people realise the reality of a caesarean until they (or someone close to them) has one.

I don't think she is being insensitive. My mother had a CS for all her children and she used to drive me BONKERS telling me that labour, pain wouldn't/couldn't be bad.

And I have to say, EVERY time she talked about labour, in my head I said: "but what do you know????". She couldn't have known, she never had that experience, so her reassurances were irritating in the extreme because there was just no basis for them.

I have no doubt that when my mother had a CS back in the 70's under general anaesthetic and with great big giant calipers holding her abdomen together that it must have been extremely painful indeed. I have no doubt that the recovery was painful and long. However, neither of these things means my mother is in a position to reassure someone who is afraid of labour. A lot of the fear of labour is not really about pain, it's about the fear of lack of control and of how unknown it is as a quantity. You might have a two hour labour or a 48 one, you might be screaming for drugs at 1cm or find the whole thing relatively calm and relaxed. An elective section has lots of risks and lots of downsides but most people I know who have had them have found them calm, controlled experiences. You can tell from the pictures - my SIL with her newly manicured hands and glossy hair was definitely in LOADS of pain in recovery but she did look a damn sight better after birth than I did looking like the wild witch of the West with my boobs hanging out and bags under my eyes!!

We both gave birth, but when she said to me, some months later how she couldn't understand why I wanted gas and air for a VE at 3cm I really could have lamped her... because what did she know??.

The suggestion is that C-section isn't really 'birth', which is really upsetting IMO

I wish it wasn't.

I'd have been far happier if DS had been "magic-ed" into the world.

Which if birth plans were written in stone would have been exactly what mine would have said.

I think people saying things like that is really rather useful, a .nice timely red flag that the person in front of you is a bit of a dickhead with an over inflated sense of how important their opinion is and little grasp on reality.

Always helpful to have clues so you can plan your exucses in advance so you can spend as little time as possible in their company. Family members included.

Same goes for anybody doing any impression of being slightly over invested in the mummy olympics. What they say tells you little of the ins and outs of SAH v WOH, Breast V bottle, Dummy V Sucky thing designed by satan himself and Vests in May V Vests as and when needed. But it speaks volumes about who they are, and how much venom, spite and sanctimony makes them tick.

Thankfully the vast bulk of people couldn't give a bugger as a long as all concerned are happy, healthy and thriving.

I went through hours of labour, only to end up with an emergency C-Section. I would be really hurt and annoyed if someone said that to me.

Feel like I experienced the pain of childbirth, plus nearly lost my DS even with the section.

Think people should be sensitive to each other, but as is proven time and agin, we are horrible to each other, not supportive as women.

YANBU.

I really don't understand the mystique attached to pushing a baby out. Surely carrying a baby safely to term is the most important thing? We are not entirely biological creatures, and the pelvis is a totally unsuitable shape for childbirth, now that we are upright creatures. By contrast, having free hands and big brains, we have been able to come up with the skills and tools to deliver in a different way, which is a testimony to human uniqueness which we should be proud of. It is not some sort of cheat, and people who treat it as though it is are idiots.

A C-section isn't even perfect; it is abdominal surgery, which is always a serious and harsh intervention, so you can't go around thinking it is a cheat because of the "ease" of it, either!

scuzy, your friend is being a fool, but I fear she and your guilt are also making a fool of you, and that's sad. You carried your child safely, and you needed help to deliver. We all need help with something to do with our children; we are human, and need each other.

fastweb wish there was a 'like' button.

Well we all know that having a CS isn't necessarily an easy option. Really you are swapping a labour for a recovery period, both of which are hard in their own way.

I think you are being oversensitive but I think your friend all has a point. You can't tell her contractions aren't that bad if you've never had them.

She probably didn't realise you would be upset about that though.

And some people end up with both, e.g. an emergency cs after a long labour or a long period of recovery with vaginal birth. Ds is 22 months and I still have severe back and hip pain because of how it all panned out. There are no easy ways to grade these experiences and what do I know if the pain I experienced in recovery is better/worse/the same as the recovery post-CS, elective or emergency?

thanks guys! ah sure i know rationally now that being 5 foot nothing and with spd he wasnt coming out the way god intended lol without ripping me a new one, especially at that weight. but that one comment that i dont think she meant to hurt me with brought it back. silly i know.

YABU - I think you're own feelings are inflating the commen in your head. She probably thinks you are being U. I would have made the same comment - and probably not thought much of it.

Also a c-section will not avoid weakening your pelvic floor (as some responses made it seem like a competition) - pregnancy has a huge part to play too.

wish there was a 'like' button

Don't mention the like button !!

I have some nagging doubts about how (really very not) popular I made myself on that thread.

Yabu. Her fears are around labour and vaginal birth and you've experienced neither. I was so doped up for my forceps birth that I barely feel I can say I experienced it. I did have a nightmare labour though

You're being a little over sensitive. She was just being the usual naive person thinking that a section is an easy option

Tell yourself she just doesn't understand, put her comment in a ubble and blow it away. You have no reason to feel guilty or beat yourself up. Whenever anyone makes a comment like that to me I do a face and say "yeah, coz a cesarean is an easy option". They generally don't push it.

Don't give it another thought ... Bit tactless is all. I'm a 5' titch too and DS2 was a 10.5 lb monster ... if I'd known he was coming in at that size I'd have had a C section like a shot and sod all that C v's V competative mum twattery! Main thing is they arrive in one piece and you get to leave the ward in one piece too!

YANBU to feel a bit miffed. It was a thoughtless remark. I don't know why birth so often ends up as competitive as it does. You'd think, in a spirit of sisterhood, knowing how dangerous giving birth still is, there would be no reason to pass judgement on someone for the method their child arrived .You'd think we'd be pleased for them.

It was thoughtless of her but as she hasn't yet attempted either way she probably isn't aware that some women really really feel for the "loss" of natural childbirth when they have a section. Having done it both ways myself, I have to say that yes, an elective C section is the "easy" option but that is kind of the whole point and precisely why I had one. Nothing to be ashamed of, just grateful.

I think you could have both been more tactful.
She is scared, to have someone tell you that you have no reason to be scared feels like you are belittling how she feels.
I also think she could have phrased herself better so that you didn't get the impression that she thought a section wasn't doing it properly. Afterall she didn't say that. 6 of 1...

I have had both. The recovery from the section was by far the easiest but it was also the most terrifying as it was a crash and I thought we were both going to die