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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the withdrawal method is a suitable form of contraception?

161 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 17/10/2011 17:34

DH doesn't want to use condoms or have the snip. I do not want to use the pill or get sterilised after 3 DC so this is the best alternative for us. Has anyone else found it a reliable method. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
SandStorm · 17/10/2011 21:18

We used it and I got pregnant so no, it's not reliable.

Rikalaily · 17/10/2011 21:23

Totally not reliable, I have dd2 to prove it!

mrsm123 · 17/10/2011 21:25

i have 3 kids with my husband. was on the pill cause we didnt want anymore kids. but it made me even more emotional and irritable which neither of us could stand. so, i came off it and he went for the snip a few weeks ago (like a good, fair husband should do after all us women have done to give them babies).
we are currently using that withdrawal method, but also being very very careful. otherwise what the hell would be the point of the snip if we get pg now.
we will have to be careful for a good few months until sperm is tested and i have to say, in terms of enjoying sex and being in the moment, this withdrawal thing can really affect the final moments if you know what i mean.
lets just say were looking forward to february.

Trills · 17/10/2011 21:30

If you don't want to get pregnant then YAB both unreasonable and naive.

Sidge · 17/10/2011 21:41

I can't imagine anything more unsatisfying really.

Him desperately avoiding ejaculating inside me.

Me in the throes of passion thinking "ohgoddon'tcomedon'tcomedon'tcomedon'tcome".

Why not consider some of the other contraceptive options available such as the implant, depo-provera injection, female condom, ring, patch, diaphragm?

In answer to your thread title - withdrawal may be suitable for you but it won't necessarily be effective.

needanewname · 17/10/2011 21:43

Well I would say that your DH either needs to come round to the idea of DC4 if he is planning on using the withdrawal method.

Alternatively no sex, that might make him change his mind!

needanewname · 17/10/2011 21:44

My DH says your DH should take one for the team!

afteralongsquawk · 17/10/2011 22:09

I know it's not Friday Night, but this is how it works chez Squawk...

OP&DH sound very much like AALS & DH. I'm 28 days, dead regular, so only a few predictable risk days per month: that's where bumsex comes in useful: no way could DH "withdraw", & no way would I let him!

More DC's than intended, but only 'coz I insisted on the real thing at the wrong time... [hblush]

DrCoconut · 17/10/2011 22:34

I can assure you that it is not reliable! Grin (now)

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 17/10/2011 23:14

You could try a diaphragm. I know what you mean about not wanting to be on the pill anymore. Always thought a coil sounded a bit invasive.
Worked for me and dh for 5 years till we had dd.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 17/10/2011 23:32

As if someone who puts up with a DH who won't have the snip, nor use condoms would 'threaten' no sex. Hmm Unlikly. Very unlikely.

He's an arse, but you seem to be OK with that.

As for withdrawal, honestly, how is that better and/or more fun than sex with a condom? Sometimes, sure... But all the time? Are condoms really that bad??

And to whoever said there being no sperm in pre-ejaculation. Grin You're willing to guarantee that in each and every case, are you?

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 17/10/2011 23:34

...there are no sperm

ohgoditssunday · 17/10/2011 23:39

Agree with Trill's comment about OP being unreasonable and naive.

You do realise this is the potential for another child we're talking about here, right?

There's few things more sad than an unwanted child being brought into this world through laziness and immaturity. Rely on the withdrawal method if you wouldn't mind another child being conceived, but don't rely on it if you're certain you don't want another.

I'm shocked that we spend so much time and effort getting our teenage children to be responsible when it comes to family planning, and yet there are fully grown adults walking around in this country - with its free condoms, easy access to many forms of contraception - and yet there's such a laissez-faire attitude on display in some quarters.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 18/10/2011 00:01

Why not just have sex without PIV ie oral, anal, handjobs etc? Or, if you have a regular cycle or want to use Persona or something, just don't have PIV (Penis-In-Vagina) sex on fertile days?

I used to use withdrawal as a contraceptive method when I was young and daft (and before AIDS awareness made me a condom insister). I wouldn't so much say it worked, more that I was lucky in that I didn't have sex that often and probably not on fertile days. Mind you, there came a point when I decided that I was probably infertile anyway, and one entertaining night with an old pal when we didn't have any condoms handy I thought, well nothing's going to happen just this once as my parts clearly don't work....
DS is now 7.

MrsMilton · 18/10/2011 00:04

Why won't your DH wear a condom ffs? Of the 5 contraceptive methods you suggested (withdrawal being the daftest) condoms are easily the least invasive - can't he see that? He'd rather you undergo surgery or ingest artificial hormones each month than have to "paddle with his wellies on" occasionally?

HE is BU.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 18/10/2011 00:16

This thread makes me bewildered and sad, over-reaction maybe, but I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone - have had children with someone - who thinks it's OK to refuse a condom, and know his partner will passively accept this. Won't argue back or resist.

I just can't imagine my DH ever saying 'no, I don't want to wear one'. Essentially saying, 'nah, not my problem' and absolve all responsibility and, then expect me just to say, 'oh OK'. It's so Stepford Wife. :(

If you actually want another child, OP, then that's a different matter. Have a talk with him and work something out, in that case.

BecJackMissR · 18/10/2011 00:19

Sooooooo not reliable. That is how my DD was conceived !!!

daenerysstormborn · 18/10/2011 00:27

my brother and his wife (would call her my sil but can't stand the bint) use withdrawal. they have 5 kids, all accidents.

reliable contraception?, err no, don't think so!

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 18/10/2011 01:19

Err, daenerysstormborn, it's obviously your brother who's primarily at fault here, at least where their number of kids and continued 'accidents' is concerned. It's not her sperm that's getting her pregnant time and again...

Forrestgump · 18/10/2011 01:53

My brother in law and his wife use the withdrawal method and have 3 whoopsies, they are still using it now and think it a successful method!

Feminine · 18/10/2011 02:01

So all of you who say it does not work are making sure that NONE of the ending fun bit Confused gets anywhere near you, right?

Half coming inside (and the rest god knows where) is not the same thing!

The man has to be totally clued up, and aware.

I am still of the opinion that some of you , mess about a bit with it ,and then claim you got caught out.

No ejaculation inside = no pregnancy
a teeny bit = PREGNANCY! Grin

garlicScaresVampires · 18/10/2011 02:19

You don't mind another DC.
DH is dead-set against another DC.
But DH won't face a day's discomfort to ensure no further DC.

Therefore, he is adamant that YOU won't get pregnant, while also determined that HE won't inconvenience himself to avoid conception.

And you trust this bloke to take responsibility for withdrawing in good time?

YABU!

I think you'll be having your 4th fairly soon [hwink]

ohgoditssunday · 18/10/2011 03:20

Feminine, pre-ejaculate contains viable sperm. This is (or should be) well known - it is something that is raised in sex education classes as it's a far too common myth that you've just passed on.

It's also not uncommon to find a certain percentage of (god I can't believe I'm typing this, for some reason I have no issues discussing this professionally IRL of course) anal sex incidents resulting in an unplanned pregnancy - the messiness aspect and a surprisingly common tendancy for some couples to admit (usually whilst blushing bright red) that they hadn't intended to have vaginal sex, and it just sort of happened. I can't say I've ever been in that situation myself, but then I suppose a bit of alcohol, a slightly wrong angle, 1 minute later and it's an "oh fuck" moment.

Please, for the love of God, don't perpetuate these myths about what the withdrawl method can and cannot do - one of the things it does do, on a regular basis, is make women pregnant. Sometimes it's okay, sometimes it's not.

If the OP is one of the ones where it clearly isn't, why wouldn't this couple take preventative measures?

It's baffling.

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 18/10/2011 03:34

Look on the bright side- next year is Year of the Dragon. Very fortuitous year for your fourth child to be born.

Feminine · 18/10/2011 04:13

ohGod its not just me who don't believe there is viable sperm...I am not the only culprit Grin

Your second paragraph makes sense, a version of poking his bits somewhere else... that thengoes a bit wrong.

As I have said, a few times in this thread, I have never got pregnant this way (over 17 years) but when I want to I have.

One go, each conception, 3 kids.

It has to be done properly, so I would agree with you that op probably shouldn't go with it.

And I think many couples lie to themselves, thinking it would still work as a contraceptive if just a teeny bit of sperm sneaks in...well it does not!