to be sat here crying at the thought of putting my baby in nursery

[pinkyp]

my 2nd ds is 10 months, i've just gone and got myself a good job only problem is they only had full time available. I start next week. I'm sat in floods of tears looking at all the nurerys online - they dont look good enough, cant bare the thought of going to one, no one will be able to look after him like i do. What about when he's being naughty they wont love him they'll dislike him for being naughty.

I feel like running away, tempted to go get in bed and hide. Please help me get a grip.

I'm glad you have found your old friend & that she has a space. I think that you should look at others in the meantime though, because once you get there you may find things aren't the way you'd like them to be. I think that a CM is a better option than a nursery.

[I think the debate over the suitability of various childcare options & whether 'care' is OK or not are all valid debates. I don't, however, think they should be debated on a thread where a Mum is in bits at having to leave her baby when she'd rather not. Whether she needs to or not is obviously something many of us could debate until the cows come home - I just don't think it's fair to do it on an individual basis on someones thread. I think a little compassion is required really]

Babies attending nursery are not 'left' there. It is not in fact an orphanage They are there for perhaps 10 hours and then they are collected. This hand wringing over mums 'leaving' babies is misplaced. It's childcare not abandonment.

I have to say I didn't know any mothers crying about leaving children at the nursery we used ... if they wanted to spend more time with the kids they would either pick them up early, skip a day or spend time actually in the nursery playing with their child - the staff members were pretty flexible about that. Staff members also came to children's birthday parties at the weekends and sometimes to family BBQs and so on. Relationships were pretty personal, staff tended to stick around for several years at the nursery, and the kids seemed very fond of everyone. It was more like dropping the kids off to spend time with a bunch of cousins and aunties and I'd be hard pushed to identify any negative consequences to sending them there. It was a particularly good nursery, however.

Jasmine - the work I was originally going to return to wasn't going to get us out of our debt etc we'd just be able to afford cheapest food, very basic things no treats, new clothes, present etc. It was min pay and 14hours with very little chance for overtime, which is why I was looking for something else. If I hadnt got the job then I'd still be looking for something better whilst working 14hrs. So no I didn't have a choice. We are wanting another baby one day so hopefully it's not going to be full time forever.

my head and heart concur nursery FT for my children
guilt free,no hand wringing or somesuch hyperbole.contrary to precious moments mamas opinion it is no biggie to use nursery.as i have said i had nursery booked and sorted at 12wk pg - used baby room ft from 6mths

sorry, 'precious moments mamas'? Who are you referring to?

those who opine they wouldnt miss a widdle precious moment and why have a baby if you leave it with someone else. inbetween finger painting and feeling gloriously fulfilled by motherhood they know they wouldnt miss a precious moment no siree.nor put a baby in nursery

maybe you have met one
maybe you are one

Surely everyone just has to live the life they have? So OP, I think you are very brave to go back to work and do what you believe is the best thing all-round for your family.

And it will be ok. I work full-time and my child goes to nursery. His care at 14mo is still 2 babies to 1 worker and he has been there since 9mo.

I very much hope that his nursery isn't one of the bad ones RitaMorgan mentions because dropping in at all hours, he has always seemed happy (despite crying at first). In fact, I can NEVER get him to sleep and I've spied on him happily settling down for a nap there. And there are no agency staff - it's family run. And the staff know all kinds of tiny things about him from his funny faces to swearing blind he's a genius who can say all sorts (he's not) and boasting about him.

I still breastfeed him so he's never taken a bottle and is always happy to see me but other parents tell me how happy he is at nursery too. I was terrified that our amazing connection would be broken by him going to nursery - it isn't. I need to work for financial reasons (and part of me wants to, part of me doesn't). But me and my boy are fine.

I understand completely people who want to stay at home and not use childcare - in another situation that might be me. But in my own situation, this is all working out okay and OP, I hope you find the same.

Scottish mummy - if I'm a precious moments mummy then you're a precious little mummy.

Rubyroo, how ru managing bf andworking ft? I'm trying to get my ds to go 8 hours so I can feed him b4 and straight after work. At the min he can do 6/7 hours max and then feeds loads after.

its not brave to return to work its pragmatic.it pays bills,fills fridge
and as much as people can go on about eking out an existence there is a minimum amount needed to meet commitments such as accommodation,food etc.now some are able to meet that on one wage,and some need two wages

the op has done well in recession to get a decent job.congratulations pinky p

I quite often find on these threads that people using nursery talk about their experience with their nursery and their child. Those posters opposed to nursery and with no actual experience of it tend to lump all babies and all nurseries together and feel qualified to speak on behalf of all these babies.

Quite revealing difference I feel.

I worked ft and did a long commute and managed to keep bf until 12 months by having two fancy pumps and an electric cool bag that plugged in the car. I used to have two half hour pumping sessions a day and that did the job, so I'd feed DC4 myself in the morning, when I got home and a bedtime and nanny gave expressed milk the rest of the time during the week. Worked surprisingly well but it did require discipline and organisation.

I agree, Pomme. It is one of the frustrating things about these threads - there is little balanced discussion coming from the nursery-is-evil side of things.

Having childcare you feel ok about makes a big difference. Have used a few nurseries, unhappy with them all for different reasons (first - poor management, communications, hygiene, second - high staff turnover, couple of incidents, third - dd1 didn't like it and getting her to go got worse not better over time) now use a CM and much happier, it's a better arrangement for us.

Different solutions will suit different families - maybe best just to try something out and if after a couple of months you don't feel ok about it, perhaps look into something else. Nothing is set in stone.

Hi pinkyp,

I just gradually moved breastfeeds apart during the day until he could get through the whole day. If he got hungry, I gave him unsweetened yoghurts (wouldn't touch formula) as he loved those so a typical day would be:

6am - breastfeed
7:30 - small yogurt at home
8:30-9 - porridge at nursery
10:00 - cup of water (milk for other kids)
12:00 - lunch (usually pasta/rice/veg/quorn)
2:30 - cup of water/yoghurt (milk for others)
5:00 - nursery snack of fruit/veg/toast
6:30 - dinner at home
8:00 - bedtime and breastfeed

...Er, and then he tends to breastfeed a fair bit during the night. So he still has a good 5 breastfeeds every 24 hours. I found it ok to move feeds apart during the day because he could be distracted by yoghurts/activities - at night is an entirely different matter!

Good luck.

Indeed.

This also applies to the research. In countries where almost all kids attend nursery, the commissioned research concentrates on reporting the apparent benefits to children, such as enhanced ability to make and sustain long term friendships. In countries with little state funded nursery provision, the emphasis in the research tends to be on a deficit model, i.e. what nursery attendees are apparently missing out on, compared to a home based experience.

Interestingly, in Britain we provided nurseries during the war and promoted their use, so women could work in munitions factories and make other contributions to the war effort. Straight after the war, all these nurseries closed and women started to be told it was harmful to their children if they were apart from them. I think Britain has a very ambivalent attitude towards nursery provision and women working, and you certainly see that represented on forums such as MN.

And the DM, BoffinMum.

Though on reflection they are not ambivalent at all, they just hate women working and will use any excuse to brand them as evil...

I do think nursery care would improve if we respected the profession more and paid properly - we pay our nursery staff peanuts and yet our childcare is among the most expensive in the developed world - because governments in other countries invest in childcare and cover a part of the cost.

I have friends in Holland who are whingeing complaining that the childcare subsidy is being reduced by the current government. They are gobsmacked when I tell them that here in the UK, you're on your own until your child is rising 3, and then again when they start school. They don't understand how we get by.

Rita (in response to a post ages ago, sorry not been back!) - I understand you work in a nursery and that's interesting to hear your POV.
But I personally felt my two dc 'bonded' better with nursery staff than with the CM. The CM was run ragged with looking after 3 or 4 kids and was very rigid and, well, a bit bossy and scary! My ds was happy enough but we were all happier when he went to nursery. And he did more activities and had time to play and sing songs etc, rather than at CM were he was schlepped all over the place in a buggy while she picked up all the other kids from here there and everywhere, always in a big old rush.
I hate to be a boring diplomat, but CMs are better for some kids/families and nursery is better for others. (And it totally depends on how good the CM is).

I think we aren't really getting by, actually. I think many women are under-pensioned, in many cases are run ragged and not able to take proper care of their health and diet, and families live in cramped, unsatisfactory accommodation in more cases than they should, particularly in large towns and cities. If childcare and housing were a higher national priority, I think we'd have less social polarisation and we'd be able to encourage people to have happier family lives.

On purpose I haven't read the whole thread and don't flame me.
I just, and only, want to respond to OPs post.

No, you are not being UR.

It just means you are not ready or you don't think your child is..

When pregnant with my second I toured nurseries for my first born of 6 months. I cried round three places. I realised neither of us were ready for it.

Trust your instincts.

Good luck.

All this ethereal mums instinct doesn't fill the fridge.if the minimum amount money isn't coming in then need to raise more money eg work.and as much as some mums may have preference not to work when push comes to shuve they have to work.and that ability and willingness to step up to plate should be applauded.in a partnership it is often necessary to pitch in and support and contribute.it's a shared responsibility not wholly one waged person got to be responsible

I did not want to return to work and felt like the OP

The mild PND I'd had since the birth lifted on my return (I think this is a considerble bonus). I was really happy once I was 'back' It was the transition I found hard.

My DC have had relatives, childminders and nursery care. All have been fantastic in their own way. All have had drawbacks. I have to say this crap about only the parent can provide care up until age 2 is bollocks though

3 well adjusted DC are mine. The variety of care has added to their lives. I had several small children and could not have given them the same attention and stimuli as childcare did, purely because I'm one person and I had more than one child.... of different ages.

Precious moments mamas are a no no but precious moments nursery nurses (aka nickschick) are to be applauded it seems.

So many things to say.

Why are you saying that the people critical of nurseries have no experience? RitaMorgan clearly has a lot of experience. I have as much experience as any other mother; my children have been using childcare for the past three years and I have visited and sat around in innumerable nurseries. I have also read a lot of research and it is not all so positive. The positive results tend to come from studies on older children, who do benefit a lot from childcare.

MrsMooo, no one has said that fathers or gps can't look after babies. In fact the people I am most critical of are those fathers in couples where the mother earns the most money, but the father refuses to go part time and the child ends up in nursery. And gps are a great option for babies (although the research says not so much for older children) if you are lucky enough to have that option available. The debate on this thread has turned into one about babies in nurseries.

I'm guessing boffinmum has her dcs in some kind of university community childcare?

I have 2 dcs and I would say, yes, the quality of my care dropped off once there were two of them. 1 to 1 care is the most pleasant way for everyone. Obviously, once children get older then it is beneficial for them to learn to share and wait, but before they are developmentally ready it is very difficult. Everyone I know who had two babies close together has found it a real struggle. Twins tend to reach their developmental milestones later than singles because they lack that 1 to 1 attentioin. So pointing to home life doesn't prove anything.

Of course babies are 'left' in childcare. You don't stay with them do you? And 10 hours is an enormously long time to leave a baby. It is quite amazing that this has been normalised. I pick up my dcs early at 4.45 on their childcare days. We go home, have dinner bath bed and I feel like I've hardly seen them that day.