to be upset that someone anonymous has reported me to social services about the welfare of my daughter?

[BlueKangaroo22]

They knocked my door this morning.
They said they had recieved anonymous information saying my home is dirty, that I am not feeding my daughter (she is 13 weeks old and weighs over 14lb) that she has oral thrush (she did, long since cleared up) nappy rash (she just has a sore bum has she has done since she was born, all I can do really is put cream on) cradle cap (which we are currently in process of trying to clear)

The thing is, I think it is my mum. She disagrees with the fact that a couple of times we have had her babysat. and last week, with good reason i tried her on baby rice, it obviously wasnt right for her so i havent given her any since then.
I have spoken to her and she has denyed it but it is awful to say but I cannot think of anyone else who would do this.
She says when she spoke to the hv at her work with regards to the weaning thing, she gave her my name so it might be from that, so where do the allegations come from then??

I'm so angry and upset, I don't know why someone would do this. For the record the woman from the social said she seemed fine to her, happy etc.

OP tell her firmly that you don't need her advice as you have your own HV.

Do you attend the Children's Center? If so tell her in no uncertain terms to butt out, you have a good support system, if you want to access it.

She should not be discussing you outside of your own 'professionals' involved in the direct care/health of your child (and yourself).

It's all really weird.

I mean, the level of detail, e.g. knowing your DD has nappy rash.

But then the malicious stuff, how would they know you were not feeding your DD? She is so small and bundled up in clothes... they'd have to see her naked and looking like a bunch of bones, wouldn't they? Not saying that she is, of course!

I do hope it isn't your mum.

Do you know anyone who could be jealous of you and your new DD?

skyblue yes i tried literally about 3 spoonfuls (baby spoon) she still had the tongue thing as in pushing it out, she swallowed the most minute amount possible, the rest was round her face! Hence why I am now waiting till 17 weeks at the earliest as advised further up thread.
Trust me Birds, I have told her several times to please respect the decisions im making for my daughter, (yes i admit the rice was a mistake) and all she responds with is that im 'giving her attitude' or being defensive, i just cant win.

cocopops..shes massive! all the strangers who have commented when im at the shops etc are surprised at how young she is for her size! and she only has 5 bottles in a day atm, as she sleeps so well at night (when she finally drifts off that is!)

"giving her attitude", her goal should be to make a new mum feel empowered whilst giving advice (if needed and asked for). You don't have to speak to her. Tell her that she is being patronising and as a new mum you can do without her inteference.

Do not allow her to make you feel that you are being bullied, if she is, tell your own HV, some people go power mad and need telling, personal feelings do get in the way of professionalism, i have seen it happen.

Don't fear SS, they are not the enemy, you are not doing anything wrong, they will not be taking it further or seriously.

I was reported to social services with DS1. Never did find out who did it. 12 years on and he's still here with me so all is well.

why would anyone report

nappy rash
cradle cap
thrush
and a unkempt house

you have a newborn the majority of babies get some/all of thesethings at some point and the house is going to be messy for a while.

sounds spitefull to me and a waste of ss time

Some people do have a very strange idea of what constitutes a bad mum though (before I get jumped on again that is a general statement, not aimed at anyone).

My mum told me of an incident that happened on a bus just this week which I think illustrates how people's ideas can be a little strange. My mum was sitting next to a lady on the bus. The lady had a toddler on her knee. The toddler was excitedly pointing the cows in the field and the mum was saying things like yes that's cows. They weren't being loud. Getting off the bus the lady was trying to manage her shopping bags, hold onto the toddler and put the buggy back up. While she was doing this he toddler tried to make a dash for it along the pavement so she had to make a grab for her I would regard that as normal toddler behaviour.

Another passenger on the bus tapped my mum on the shoulder and said "talking rubbish and letting the kid do whatever, she's obviously high on drugs and an unfit mother" My mum is completely bemused by this man's reaction and I think it perfectly illustrates how people have strange ideas.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that this lady is definitely a good mother as I know nothing about her. The point I am trying to make is that anybody (ie that man) are daft to take such an inference from witnessing the events I described. Some of these daft people are people who make complaints to SS/

Could it be OP that when your Mum had her 'chat' to the HV at her work she wasn't reporting you but generally discussing her concerns? My own mum has very different ideas of what makes a good mum than I do, and I would bet my life that she's probably discussed all her opinions/concerns etc with her friends... maybe she was dramatic about it because she wanted someone to say "You're absolutely right, clean house, clean mind" etc., rather than wanting you to get into 'trouble'.

The HV could have then made the move to report based on what she'd heard? It was probably the right call if your mum had been full flow with the little things that were worrying her?

The important thing is that SS have visited and said they see nothing wrong. You MUST tell your mum what has happened, and the outcome, do not accuse her of reporting you, rather say that now SS have been involved and see nothing to be concerned about she should feel less concerned herself. Repeat the World War Two tagline of 'idle chat costs lives'... because it does sound like this has been an overeaction to idle talk.

Can i just remind everyone that when i had my first child 17 years ago , weaning at 3 months was advised . Clearly advice has changed and that is good , but to be fair to the majority of infants weaned at 3 months ,mine included, no harm occurred . I am glad the guidelines changed because i spent eight weeks trying to coax watery mush into my son ,before he was really ready , with the new guidelines i felt happy to wait until dd and ds2 were ready . My friends dd who is also 17 and weaned at 3 months took to solids like a duck to water ,but she was a big and very hungry baby .

"giving her attitude", I am shocked you live on your own given that you are obviously thirteen if you can still be regarded as "giving attitude".

Seriously though that phrase says it all about the mother's attitude -she is the mother therefore she should be obeyed in her eyes, and cannot see the OP as an adult or mother in her own right. A simple "look if you do not like the way i am bringing up my child, then do not come her to witness it" or "seeing as you feel free to critisize my mothering skills I assume I can do the same about your mothering skills, or are you off limits for some reason?"

Bluekangaroo she sounds awful

You said this "she gave me the sort of cats bum face and said she had spoke to family support worker where she works (she works as a support assistant at a primary school) and said that this support worker had said i had nothing to worry about with regards to the social." what does your mum even mean by that? What has school to do with anything, your baby is 3 months old?!

Birds the poster who posted this ""I think its hard, because htere is no simple defintion of abuse or neglect. It is down to personal judegement."" was talking about lay people making reports to SS, not the SW themselves.

frumpet - yes. Only 11 years ago it was 4 months. My DS1 was on solids at 16 weeks

There are 2.5 years between my younger 2 and the weaning age has changed in that time!

OP you say "and she would not comment on my parenting as her mom would have done!" well she's obviously turned into her mother! :)

FWIW I agree with the poster who said that it's a waste of energy trying to figure out the who behind all this but can imagine how it's driving you mad! I'm the type that would obsess about something like that!

At least SW knows there's nothing to worry about so you can rest easy on that score. As for your mother well, if this is something that is insanely out of character it may not be her. If this is the type of thing that wouldn't surprise you maybe a little distance wouldn't go amiss! "Giving her attitude"?? Just

sardine, i think because she works at a school she has access to these people. I really wish she would realise that I am confident enough (which is suprising with my first, but I have had 'experience' iyswim with dp's neices and nephew) to seek advice when it is needed. I'm presumably not mature enough to make that judgement? :S

I was surprised when she made that comment too, newbie, without going into a hell of a lot of detail...we have had a bit of an up and down relationship since i was 16, but when I had my daughter I really felt like it was all behind us and that we had turned a corner etc. Clearly I was wrong. :(

Well you know, you're never going to know if she definitely did it or not but you know her and we don't so I would imagine that you'd have a better idea of it.

Try to let it go if you can at all. I know I would find it incredibly difficult but my life would be SO much easier if I didn't hang on to stuff! :)

Going forward I would look to dp's family for advice or concerns over your dd because you may not be able to trust your mother again and it's best to avoid any conversations about dd's health that would give her an excuse to do it again (if she did do it!)

The weaning age changed to 4-6 months in 1994, and then to 6 months in 2003. Not been that many changes.

bluekangaroo I misread your post in the first place - I thought your mum had said there's be no worries about the school and that was just baffling! Social sounds much more like it.

It sounds like your mum is being very difficult - whether it was her who reported you or not - and I think that newbie's advice of being open and talking to your DPs family is good. I think you need to stop giving info to your mum if she is using it against you - gossiping to friends, saying hurtful things to you and implying you can't cope, and possibly shopping you to authorities.

There is a thread on here called "stately homes" for people who have very difficult relationships with parents, or horrible parents and there is always teh relationships section if you want to talk more about how to handle things with your mother.

hi again guys, wanted to use this thread to ask what you think of this:

my health visitor has sent me a letter asking to come and visit me and DD next week. I am wondering why she has requested this when last time she was here she asked if id like any further visits, or would i prefer to access them through the children's centre, i said i would access them to get her weighed etc.
The ss did say they would speak to my hv and gp, so could it be she is coming to speak to me about that?
I was thinking of phoning her to find out? Ofc i should point out that i have no problem with a visit, ive nothing to hide, it was just a case of it being more convienient to take dd to childrens centre myself.

sorry for the grammar, typing one handed

If you have no objection to her coming to the house then let her. Maybe you could ask her while she is there if she still wants you to come to the children's centre from now on as arranged previously.

Your health visitor clearly didn't have an issue with you RE the baby-rice when you spoke to her about it before so maybe speak to her again about it and tell her what has happened RE your mum/SS.

There is nothing to worry about and tbh we always do routine visits around this time anyway. It may well just of reminded the HV that you hadn't been seen (it would me!) Usually they discuss weaning, safety, play ideas, weigh and measure, address any concerns you have like the nappy rash/ cradle cap. The clinic is fine but because of the number of babies per session it is difficult to have a good chat about things. It will be fine.
Sometimes if mums plan to go back to work we'd discuss any benefits and where to go to check eligeability for these, childcare options etc.