to be upset that someone anonymous has reported me to social services about the welfare of my daughter?

[BlueKangaroo22]

They knocked my door this morning.
They said they had recieved anonymous information saying my home is dirty, that I am not feeding my daughter (she is 13 weeks old and weighs over 14lb) that she has oral thrush (she did, long since cleared up) nappy rash (she just has a sore bum has she has done since she was born, all I can do really is put cream on) cradle cap (which we are currently in process of trying to clear)

The thing is, I think it is my mum. She disagrees with the fact that a couple of times we have had her babysat. and last week, with good reason i tried her on baby rice, it obviously wasnt right for her so i havent given her any since then.
I have spoken to her and she has denyed it but it is awful to say but I cannot think of anyone else who would do this.
She says when she spoke to the hv at her work with regards to the weaning thing, she gave her my name so it might be from that, so where do the allegations come from then??

I'm so angry and upset, I don't know why someone would do this. For the record the woman from the social said she seemed fine to her, happy etc.

Good plan you do that and maybe the OP and others who are sharing their stories can have a proper conversation about this upsetting incident.

OP YANBU to be upset. I would be upset too.

But I totally get where mrsSF is coming from. Social services are investigating to see IF there may be abuse, not with the attitude that just because someone has said there is, that there actually is. Although it must have been really upsetting, a positive to come from this is the fact that they HAVE investigated and said your daughter is fine. Therefore you are clearly doing a very good job as a parent and it is the person that reported you that has issues. Hold your head high and continue being the good parent you are. Overall it doesnt matter how many times you are reported because you have nothing to be afraid of, as upsetting as it must be.

You don't spend a moment wondering if you are doing the right thing. You start second guessing every little action and every little decision you make. You become terrified to go to the Dr when they are ill yet equally terrified not to when all your common sense is telling you they only need some tlc.

The difficulty is, what if it was her mum who reported her though? How do you get past that suspicion?

Minus that is indeed the problem.

Sitting there thinking about where you have gone wrong is the inevitable consequence of a report of this kind, along with a fear of ever doing anything to attract anyone's attention ever again. It is a really unhelpful thing to happen for lots of people. If it wasn't a bad thing to happen, people wouldn't report maliciously, there would be no point.

It wouldnt make sense for it to be her mum though would it? As the complaint is meant to include 'not feeding her daughter' as I thought the mum is meant to have a problem with the OP feeding her daughter baby rice. Or have I misunderstood and her mum has a problem with her NOT continuing with baby rice

Mrs StephenFry. Your first post implied that you think attempting to give baby rice at 13 weeks would be grounds for someone to suspect abuse or neglect. Which was ridiculous thing to say.

If it's a malicious complaint though whoever reported would have said whatever they thought to get SS out. They also said OP's house is dirty which from what Op has said is not true.

" 12 week olds do not show any signs of being ready for food, ever. Someone clearly was worried enough about your child to speak to someone. Take any advice given and be happy that it is going no further."

That's what I was referring to above.

OP- metanium, with a bit of sudocrem in to help it spread, is what I'd recommend.

for nappy rash !

This happened to me once - a kindly social worker turned up, asked a few questions and left and I heard no more.

three years later when I think of it I still feel as angry and hurt and as unjustly treated as I did then. It is a horrible experience.

YANBU

"upsetting as it must be" just doesn't begin to cover it

I have to stand uo fro Sardine here. MrsFry, there have been a number of people who have asked you about your posts, not just Sardine.

And I have to say that I agree with HappyLander:"Other people have warped perceptions about what classes as neglect".

Where a referal is made to ss, it is not done lightly, is it. why are referals made to ss ? Maybe some of the MN Sw'ers could enlighten us. But as a non expert, I 'understood' it to be, that there was a concern, of neglect, abuse, both. That the child was in possible danger". That is MY understanding.
So what the person is saying, is that they have concerns for the childs welfare. for the childs safety. and these need to be investigated.

Of course they do.
BUT, what is your understanding of Neglect. What does thta word mean to you.
What is your understanding of the word Abuse. What does thta actual word mena.

Was OP abusing her child. Was OP neglecting her child. Was the child in danger.

Bllomin seriosu allegations. I think of serious neglect, abuse, physically and emotionally abusing children. Bloody hell. That is serious isn't it.
Once I forgot to strao ds2 in the buggy, becasue i was so busy telling off ds1. But thats not abuse or neglect , is it. Or if it is half of Mn is guilty of it.

Having 'concerns about Op's supposed struggle/ feeding of rice/ not feeding of rice. They are issues to be delt with my Op's own HV, as many peole have said. And not some Hv her mother talked to.

And even then, none of it, by any stretch of the imagination, could be considered abuse or neglect.
Could it?
Not in my mind.

I don't know what everyone elses view of ABUSe
or NEGLECT is. But to me, those are very serious issues. Not to be joked about.

I think its hard, because htere is no simple defintion of abuse or neglect. It is down to personal judegement.
but seriously, some things couldn't be argued, to be neglect or abuse, no matter how hard you tried, surely ?
Well, I would like to hope so.

There have been , atleast 10 posters on this thread, trying to explain to Mrs Fry, what it feels like. But she just can't comprehend. Lets hope she never has to.

sorry about previous post. I posted it by accident, without having checked for mistyping.

As a HV I cannot for the life of me think that this has referral has come from a HV. If someone gossiped to me about their daughter, or anyone else they might know and this happens quite a lot! I would suggest that they encourage their daughter/friend/neighbour etc. to seek advice off their own HV. I might suggest that they make a referral themselves if they are concerned enough. The most I would do is chat to the HV concerned if I knew who they were and give them the info. They might then arrange a visit to see if all is ok - very unlikely ( almost impossible) that they might refer to SS without seeing them first. We do not do random referrals on the back of a quick chat with someone.

MrsSF - you are not being misunderstood - you are simply wrong. I know that's probably hard for you to believe but do try.

BK - Try really, really hard not to let this consume you, try not to look over your shoulder. I would have a word with your Mum, along the lines of 'If I ever find out who reported me, I would never speak to them again'.

OP is there nobody else you can think of that it might be? If your relationship with your mum is otherwise ok, and there is absolutely no reason for anyone to rationally think you're neglecting your child, then something very weird is going on!

Tbh it doesn't sound like your mum would have done this unless, like I say, things are very bad between you?

tbh the pursuit of who is energy expended and a lot of preoccupation
its has been gut wrenching and scary.make a resolution and try find some peace as best you can.dont let this fester.enjoy your baby

"I agree with Sardine. some of you do not understand what an actual referal to SS is.
Please don't underestimate what a serious thing, this Op is actually being accused of."

It is after the initial 'contact' that it is decided whether the risk to the child is serious. Families have SS intervention for support as well as safeguarding. Unless there is an immediate serious risk to the childs physical health (life threatening), services will always be put into place. Children that are removed are only done so as a last resort usually after a long time period, or if older siblings have already been removed and the threat hasn't been removed.

When a SW knocks on the door they (or rather the LA) are not making an accusation, if there is one, that will be made later, when either a 'Child in need' or 'Child protection' plan is compilied with the problems put in writing and what needs to be done to remove them (which includes all necessary support from the LA)

Making a referal doesn't impact on the service given top families in the system.

Professionals don't have to tell you that they are about to make a referal, they can, but are not obliged to.

It is upsetting to think that someone thinks that you are not parenting your child properly, of course it is. If it wasn't people wouldn't bother making malicious reports.

OP you have found to be blameless, try to take comfort from that

YANBU - I would be distraught. Especially since you think it is your own MOTHER! Just awful. You sound like you're doing a fine job and that your child is well cared for. I think you have every right to question her further about it.

I can see why you are upset but at the same time think it's good that people look out for kids.

Newbie, I really can't! Another thing that strikes me is shes the only person besides me and DP who knew she was behind on her immunisations..(basically cock up with the doctors, i kept being alternatly told oh yes she is registered bring her in, then they would then say oh no shes not properly registered, but that was resolved but because of that her first set of jabs ended up at 12 weeks rather than 8)
But i saw her on the bus the day after shed had them and i mentioned that shed had them!
I'm so confused! Especially as to the fact that if it wasnt her...who the bloody hell was it.

Oh and also saw her today when stood at the bus stop, saw her out the corner of my eye and thought oh no, shes going to have a go etc (again, such a shame to have that reaction) and she somewhat did. she repeated again she had nothing to do with the ss refferral, i said i know, but when i find out who it is im not going to be happy, then she went back to the rice thing (wont accept that i gave it her once, insists on bringing it up repeatedly) said i won't admit when im wrong (um i stopped giving it her didnt i?) i said look heres me admitting im wrong, she gave me the sort of cats bum face and said she had spoke to family support worker where she works (she works as a support assistant at a primary school) and said that this support worker had said i had nothing to worry about with regards to the social.
I just wish she would stop obtaining advice for my daughter behind my back, she may be trying to help, but id like to think i know when i need help or advice and i obtain it from the appropriate sources for myself! ( i would have told her this but the bus came and well, i had an appointment to get to!)
I know i know i sound so completely ungrateful!
But up until the babysitting and rice thing, she was constantly saying how being a mom had changed me for the better, that i was doing so well and she would not comment on my parenting as her mom would have done!
sorry another long post! trying to squeeze it all in and avoid drip feeding.

"I think its hard, because htere is no simple defintion of abuse or neglect. It is down to personal judegement."

It isn't, a SW can put it to their managwer that a plan needs to be made, this will have as quick as possible review time, whilst information is being gathered. It should include parenting assessments as well as lots of other stuff depending on the concerns. The whole process has changed dramatically, even over the last year. It is a weighing up of all of the concerns and the possible effect on the child/children, this is done by a range of professionals and is debated during the assessments.

oh and when i saw her at the bus stop i meant she was walking towards the bus stop and i clocked her out the corner of my eye iyswim

great you stopped weaning. her gut isn't ready for solids by the way. google it and you will fine that early weaning is a negative thing.