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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to NOT want exH to come to our DCs parents evening with me?

175 replies

MistyMountainHop · 12/10/2011 11:37

exH has got the arse because i will be attending parents evening with my DH and not him.

i have told him i will let him know what the teachers say but apparently that isn't good enough, he wanted to come.

my opinion is that it would be downright weird to attend a parents evening with my ex, we get on ok and no one can replace DC dad. but dh, me, and our DC are a family unit now so surely its more normal for me and DH to go together?

or AIBU? maybe i am! what do other parents do that are divorced from dc dad and have new partner?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 12/10/2011 22:37

I don't think that teachers mind-I didn't. I think it preferable than them having to get it second hand.

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clam · 12/10/2011 22:47

"I don't think that teachers mind-I didn't. I think it preferable than them having to get it second hand"

Mind what? Doubling the length of an already long evening?
And preferable to whom getting it secondhand? The answer, surely, is for the two parents of the child to sit together in a room for approximately 10 minutes and discuss their child with an adult who is interested in their welfare. How hard is that? (excepting, as I said previously, extreme cases).

sam84uk · 12/10/2011 22:58

I can see how in secondary school it may be chaotic to have to see parents seperately. In my DC's school though it's never been an issue and the teachers have said it's not a problem. We must be very lucky. I must say though that out of DC's class I'm not aware of any other seperated parents (there must be some though I'm sure).

On the opposite side of the fence though my OH is never told when parent's evening is for his children and as he was never married to their mother and the youngest was born before you got parental rights by being on the birth certificate he has no rights. This is despite him having an active role in their life and them staying with us 2 nights every week.

lurkerspeaks · 12/10/2011 23:39

To sam84uk - if he has no legal parental responsibility and you look after them 2 days/ week I suggest you get this sorted out sharpish as if something happens to them eg. broken arm then he won't be able to consent to medical treatment.

He also does not have any legal say over issues pertaining to school or overseas travel/ emigration.

This is not a situation I would wish to be in at all.

Information here about how to sort it out. It doens't cost a fortune.
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

More information here:
www.fnf.org.uk/law-and-information/parental-responsibility

sam84uk · 13/10/2011 00:25

Thanks Lurker - It has been looked into as contact has been stopped from time to time for up to a few months by their mother before now i.e. when arrangements had to be tweaked by collecting the kids 20mins later on one of OH's days (granted it meant that she had to collect youngest from school that day instead of OH so I can see it was inconvenient despite her not working and living less than a mile from the school wheras we were 5 miles away but even still). It can be generally stopped for whatever reason she chooses, basically it seems OH is dictated to a lot and if there is any disagreement with this the answer is "fine don't bother seeing them then". This is then translated by her into OH not wanting to see the DC as if he did then he'd just comply with her demands! It's very sad for the DC (the youngest has had a few behaviour issues both at home and at school) and my 2 miss them and ask why can't they come to stay when this happens too (try explaining that diplomatically and sensitively to young ones).

Main problem being is we're rather skint and whilst we both work we can't afford solicitors (and our joint income only just exceeds the qualifying amount for legal aid although OH's Ex qualifies for it). All has been quiet for the last couple of months however we never know when or what will trigger the cycle up again (has been at least 3 times over the last 3 years).

We'll definitely get more info on the matter though.

I guess this is a whole other thread, sorry for the hijack.

2rebecca · 13/10/2011 11:22

I've found that if you don't get aggressive with exwives and encourage the bloke to keep going with the contact it does work out in the end when the kids are old enough to decide for themselves sam84uk. We had alot of problems 8 years ago but now my husband's eldest has left home and has a good relationship with his dad now that he can control the contact. He knows my husband has paid and is keeping paying for him (still at college) which helps. I have no sympathy for nonres parents who don't pay for their kids thinking that in some way they are getting back at their ex.

Snorbs · 13/10/2011 11:36

Sam84UK, your OH needs to get in touch with Families Need Fathers. They can help.

theredhen · 13/10/2011 13:35

YABVU.

I go to parents evening / plays etc with DP but that is only because EXH doesn't want to go. If he did want to go, DP knows that ExH as DS father would have priority just as I would never take the place of DP's ex wife.

Parents are priority. This is about your child not about what you want.

bottlebank · 13/10/2011 14:20

In my case, DH has been in DS's life since DS was a few months old (DS's father and I broke up while I was pregnant). We have always gone to parents evenings the three of us as we all have PR and are all involved in DS's schooling. But there is no animosity - we know parents who have seperate appointments with teachers and that works well. One year when DS's father couldn't make it, he made individual appointments over the next week or so with the teachers. They were very accommodating.

I don't think it's at all weird for everyone who is involved in a child's home life to attend a parents evening.

dean500 · 12/05/2014 17:36

I am a ex husband my ex wife didnt tell me about parents eveing she took her new husband and I have always been she said I am a weekend dad we deal with her home work I was really hurt what she said this cant be right can it

WorraLiberty · 12/05/2014 17:39

dean, you just need to ask the school to send you a separate appointment.

SoFetch · 12/05/2014 17:44

YABVU

BitOutOfPractice · 12/05/2014 17:44

I think (hope!) the op has the message now that SWBVU

OP you're not going as a couple. You're going as two parents. It wouldn't cross my mind not to let exH go to parents evening. That's even if I had a right to stop him!!

rainbowfeet · 12/05/2014 17:44

Yabu .... Extremely & it's women like you who give us separated/divorced mums a bad name

FreckledLeopard · 12/05/2014 17:45

This is a zombie thread.....

TeacupDrama · 12/05/2014 17:51

in fact dean if you have parental responsibility you can tell school that ex wife will not pass on any info about parents evenings concerts sports day etc can they email it you direct and if it goes in Dc's book bag for your your ex just removes it, in these cases they must keep you informed they can not get out of it by saying it's your problem if ex does not tell you

BitOutOfPractice · 12/05/2014 17:53

So it is Freckled! Who bumped it!

Bonsoir · 12/05/2014 17:55

How strange.

Why would your husband, who is not your children's father, attend their parents' evening?

Even my DP's exW, for whom "hands off mother" is the only polite description but a wild understatement attends the occasional parents' evening for my DSS2. I never do - even though I am the one doing the work.

whatever5 · 12/05/2014 17:59

YABU unless you would be happy for him to go to parents evening next time instead of you.

GoblinLittleOwl · 12/05/2014 18:00

It is beneficial for your son that he goes; his father has, and will continue to have, influence over him, and it is really good that he wants to go. If you all go together, even better; you will present a united front to your child, and will reassure him that he is still the most important person to everyone. It isn't about what you want; it is about what is best for your son.

MotorLoo · 12/05/2014 18:06

Hi MistyMountain,

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested this yet because I haven't read the full thread but could you and your ex attend parent's eve separately. l used to work in a primary school and parents would do l often do this if they were divorced - teachers absolutely would not mind discussing your son's progress twice. I'm sure they would've done it before with other parents and won't bat an eyelid.

Equally, noone will bat an eyelid if you turn up with your ex or if you turn up with your ex and your husband - they've seen both scenarios numerous times, I promise.

WorraLiberty · 12/05/2014 18:47

Motor this thread is 3 years old

GoblinLittleOwl · 12/05/2014 18:50

'teachers absolutely would not mind discussing your son's progress twice. I'm sure they would've done it before with other parents and won't bat an eyelid.'
I presume you didn't work as a teacher. I can assure you that they do mind, very much; apart from not doubling the work load, seeing parents together stops one parent blaming the other (absent) for all the child's difficulties, and it stops the occasional poisonous second spouse from criticising the first. It is necessary sometimes to tell both parents together that actually their divorce and remarriage has had a detrimental effect on their child; seen separately they each blame the other.

TeacupDrama · 12/05/2014 19:03

never got zombie thread alert though

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