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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT want exH to come to our DCs parents evening with me?

175 replies

MistyMountainHop · 12/10/2011 11:37

exH has got the arse because i will be attending parents evening with my DH and not him.

i have told him i will let him know what the teachers say but apparently that isn't good enough, he wanted to come.

my opinion is that it would be downright weird to attend a parents evening with my ex, we get on ok and no one can replace DC dad. but dh, me, and our DC are a family unit now so surely its more normal for me and DH to go together? Confused

or AIBU? maybe i am! what do other parents do that are divorced from dc dad and have new partner?

OP posts:
Ilovedaintynuts · 12/10/2011 18:44

YABVU

You are the kind of woman that gives ex-wives a bad name. Totally selfish and the fact you posted on here so adament you were right to exclude him shocks me.

Praise the Lord that nearly everyone disagrees with you.

LeBOF · 12/10/2011 18:46

Ilovedaisynuts- I think you'll find you are in Am I Being Unreasonable, not Character Assassination To Order.

CristinadellaPizza · 12/10/2011 19:02

That puts a whole new light on it OP :)

There are loads and loads of blended families nowadays - no one is going to bat an eye if three of you turn up. Or even just you and your DC's dad.

What a lucky boy your DS is to have so many people who care about him so much :)

hayleysd · 12/10/2011 19:06

Yabvu

bottlebank · 12/10/2011 19:08

DH, XP and I all go to DS's parents evenings. We are all his parents so why not.

bottlebank · 12/10/2011 19:09

(XP and I weren't together at all either, ever)

redfairy · 12/10/2011 19:15

YABU,

I always attend Parents evenings with my ex, not my DH. Until this latest one but thats because he had all his teeth out a few months back and refuses to wear falsies- this time he's free to make his own appointment Grin

exoticfruits · 12/10/2011 19:15

my opinion is that it would be downright weird to attend a parents evening with my ex,

I would call it normal. Lots do it. I think it weird to cut him out and make him get it second hand.

maypole1 · 12/10/2011 19:18

Not being funny not sure why the three of you can't go

DownbytheRiverside · 12/10/2011 19:20

Rushing off to make dinner, so I haven't read the whole thread.
As a teacher, I would be happy to arrange to see either you or ex at a different time on a different day. I'd leave it up to you to duke out the details.

AuntiePickleBottom · 12/10/2011 19:34

yabu, it is a parent evening and as he is the DC parent he should be able to go.

rettam · 12/10/2011 20:38

Well done LeBoff Grin.

When I go to parents evening there are lots of divorced couples there. Tell your exH your sorry and you were confused and of course he can come.

Bloody well done for getting on so well with him too, it's enviable and you're a good mother for having achieved that. Smile

troisgarcons · 12/10/2011 20:44

TBH - we have parents evenings, award cermonies, prize giving evenings where 3 or even 4 parents turn up and mange to sit together, amicably.

Ify ou cant put all your shit behind you OP and let your child know he has two parents (and all the steps) tha t care about him - then you arent doing a good job as a parent.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/10/2011 20:51

I think it's a bit weird that you want to take your dh and if I was your ex, I would be a bit unhappy about someone who isn't my child's parent, attending their parents evening. The people who should attend these events are the ones with PR, unless a parent is an absent one through their own choice.

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats · 12/10/2011 21:00

Do you know what I think would be weird? If my ex went to parents' evening with his mistress new partner. Or indeed if I had a new partner and he came with me. I am more surprised that you go with your new partner than that your ex doesn't go. I do appreciate that he is involved in your ds's life, but I would be beyond furious if my ex's partner went to a parents' evening. That might have something to do with my own personal circumstances, but I think that would quite possibly tip me over the edge. Mind you, I doubt she would be brave enough - I suspect the knowledge she would incur the combined fury and scorn of most of the school gate mafia would be enough to deter her.

Anyway, enough about that.

I take a deep breath and attend parents' consultations with my fuckwit ex. In fact, we went to one together two weeks after he walked out on us. I don't know who was more uncomfortable - me, him or dd's teacher. For all his many many faults he is at least interested in his children and keen to be a good father to them and therefore wants to be involved. It's uncomfortable, and I generally end up wanting to strangle him, but we do it because it would be a pain in the neck for the teachers to tell us the same things twice, because we both agree it is important that the children know we are united as far as their education goes, and so that we can devise joint strategies when we need to based on a shared understanding of what the situation is.

Not long after he left us, a very wise friend told me that the thing she found hardest when she left her partner was the realisation that she was always going to be tied to him because of her children. It's an absolutely horrible situation, but I do think once you decide to have children with someone, you have to accept that they are always going to be part of your life, whether you like it or not (unless there are exceptional circumstances, like domestic violence). But plain old falling out with your ex doesn't exempt you from having to suck it up and get on with the grim business of co-parenting. You sound like you're doing a pretty good job, all things considered.

CardyMow · 12/10/2011 21:04

YABU - he is as much your dc's parent as you are. You ARE trying to write him out of your dc's life. I attend parents evening with DS1's dad, and also with DS2's dad. doesn't matter how much I'd rather not - they have a right to be there as much as I do. I am separated, my dc are't!!

YABVVU.

overthemill · 12/10/2011 21:07

he is the child's parent and as such has the right and the responsibility to go. For the teachers it would be nigh on impossible to fit in two sets of parents on that night, it's bad enough fitting in 1 set. I would say, grow up and meet ex at school demonstrating to your child that you are responsible and mature enough to have child's interests taking priority rather than your rown.

AnxiousElephant · 12/10/2011 21:08

I think you are being very unreasonable and certainly it is NOT your DHs place! They are your exs children.......how can you parent together if he has no clue about any progress or lack of at school if he can't attend.
How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and he went with his DW and said I'll let you know what was said Shock!

rookiemater · 12/10/2011 21:11

beautifully put arthurmcafferty

strictlycomedancingdiva · 12/10/2011 21:16

I was about to say YABVU, but amongst all the replies, I spotted your follow up comments, and I can see you have taken on board what has been said.

You just need to focus on DC, mine always appreciate that XH and I attend parents' evenings, school plays etc together as it makes their school experience easier Smile.

sam84uk · 12/10/2011 22:17

I completely understand your point of view OP (I actually think some posters have been downright rude with the name calling), my situation has been very similar. ExH and I split before our eldest started school full time. The 1st parent's evening I wanted my OH (who also does the school runs, class mates parties, plays, sports days, reading etc) to come with me (as did my OH). ExH was not happy and wanted just him and me to attend however I didn't agree that my OH should be excluded when he is involved in every other aspect of DC's life and school career.

I said I was happy for the 3 of us to attend (or 4 of us if ExH's partner wanted to attend) but ExH was uncomfortable with this so we ended up making seperate appointments and that is what we've done every year since. This is also better for us as ExH works awkward shifts and the times he finds suitable are inconvenient to me and vice versa. I

I'm quite surprised so many posters have said that it's unacceptable that the OP's H attends the parent's evening bearing in mind OP has said he is very involved in the DC's school life, I can't see why this would be an issue and surely it would benefit the child.

OP is BU if the ExH is excluded altogether and expected not to attend however if he has parental rights then surely he could contact the school and make his own arrangements. I also think that saying it would double the teacher's workload isn't entirely correct as surely not every child in the class has seperated parents.

exoticfruits · 12/10/2011 22:20

How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and he went with his DW and said I'll let you know what was said

Well said.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/10/2011 22:22

I don't think that teachers should have to take extra time to see children's parents separately, just because two adults can't get it together to sit in a room for 10 minutes without it being a problem.

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clam · 12/10/2011 22:36

As a large proportion of every class of 30 nowadays have separated parents, it is totally unreasonable to expect additional appointments. We do not give them unless there are extreme circumstances (such as DV). If you view your ex as a brother, and just want to play happy families with your new man, you'd hardly qualify.