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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT want exH to come to our DCs parents evening with me?

175 replies

MistyMountainHop · 12/10/2011 11:37

exH has got the arse because i will be attending parents evening with my DH and not him.

i have told him i will let him know what the teachers say but apparently that isn't good enough, he wanted to come.

my opinion is that it would be downright weird to attend a parents evening with my ex, we get on ok and no one can replace DC dad. but dh, me, and our DC are a family unit now so surely its more normal for me and DH to go together? Confused

or AIBU? maybe i am! what do other parents do that are divorced from dc dad and have new partner?

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 12/10/2011 11:58

Yabu

slavetofilofax · 12/10/2011 12:00

YABVU

Me and my ex go together, and dh usually stays home and babysits! He is lovely like that.

DH, the dc and me are a family too, and dh spends money on the dc, helps with school run and homework, but he is not Dad. He comes to church services and plays though, and the three of us went to ds1's last school thing all together.

That is way wierder than going just me and ex! But I'm very glad we can all be grown up enough to do it, and it is very good for the dc.

MyNameIsLola · 12/10/2011 12:01

YABVU.

I'm sorry but you're just going to have to get past 'feeling weird' about attending things with your ex when it's regarding your DS. There will be millions of events in the future where you'll have to suck it up too.

Your ex is your DS's father and is just as entitled as you to be involved in his education. Your DH can be there if too if he wishes and it's nice that he wants to have some involvement in his DSS's education but he should not be there instead of your ex.

fluffythevampirestabber · 12/10/2011 12:03

My ex went to my DD's parents evening last night.

I sat at home, drank wine, ate chocolate, played with DD2 and the tale of his escapades entertained the half of MN for the evening

YABU

He has very right to go, no matter that he only sees your child once a week. If I was in his shoes I'd be very pissed off if you thought it was OK to take your DH and exclude him.

bintofbohemia · 12/10/2011 12:10

When my parents divorced I lived with my father and stepmother and my mother was cut right out of the picture. She was never involved in any of my school things, never got any photos of me, never came to any school plays. At the time I just accepted it as they tried to whitewash her out and tried to pretend that my SM was my mother. (I even had to call her mum.) It's only now I look back (and especially having my own children now) and the whole fucked up scenario makes me very Angry.

You are definitely BU. He wants to be involved and that's the best thing for your child too.

BettyCash · 12/10/2011 12:11

OP On parent's evening he's not your ex, he's DS's dad.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/10/2011 12:18

YABU. He has far more right to be there than your DH does.

seeker · 12/10/2011 12:22

"as i said in my OP, maybe i was being U, just felt that it would be weird going to a parents evening with my ex."

Would it be weird? It's a parents' evening- the clue is in the name!

oohlaalaa · 12/10/2011 12:23

YABVU. You refer to you DC and DH being the family unit, that is so hurtful to your ex, who's your children's father.

Faffalina · 12/10/2011 12:28

Sorry, I think that YABU.

mumofthreekids · 12/10/2011 12:29

My dh (who is also father of my dc) always goes to parents evenings instead of me as he sees it as his chance to be involved with his children's school while I am the one at the school gates every day. I would love to go, but I think he's right so I let him do it (or we both go if we can get childcare). So I can tell you that it's not enough to promise that you will pass the info onto your exH. I try to get all the details from my dh but it's just not the same as attending myself.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/10/2011 12:29

It migtht be awkward but you put those feelings aside for the sake of your son. What are you going to do years down the line when your DS gets married? Not let your ex come as you'll feel awkward, after all you can tell him all about it afterwards. Hmm

You should be thankful that your son has a father who is interested in him and do everything you can to encorage that.

Ormirian · 12/10/2011 12:30

Blimey! I'd 'have the arse' too. You and DH and the DC might be your family unit, but your DC family unit also include their dad.

YABU. Very.

Put yourself in his shoes and then ask yourself if YABU.

SixtyFootDoll · 12/10/2011 12:39

Absolutey YABU!

Hammy02 · 12/10/2011 12:39

vivalebeaver I was just about to say the same thing about when the son gets married. My mum remarried when I was younger but I didn't want her DH at my wedding as it would make my dad uncomfortable so I didn't invite her DH. It wasn't a problem at all.

porcamiseria · 12/10/2011 12:44

yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu

MrsMooo · 12/10/2011 12:49

YABvvvvvU

You new family unit as far as your child is concerned is you, your DH and his father

It a parents evening therefore his parents should be attending ie you and your ExP.

I would suggest to exP that you would like to bring DH along as he is involved but be prepared (and it's quite reasonable of him) for exP to say it should be just you and him at a parents evening as your DH is not your DC's father

I am not in the least bit suprised that he "has the arse" and TBH I think you need to apologise for being so thoughtless

Unless you have a very good reason to try and push ExP out of your child's life you are being incredibly unfair and unpleasant

Situations and other mothers pulling this kind of shit are why my ExP's family and friends are convinced we won't remain amicable and I won't remain reasonable and it makes by blood boil

diddl · 12/10/2011 12:51

"my opinion is that it would be downright weird to attend a parents evening with my ex, "

It isn´t about you, though.

Does your ex never have his son in the week & need to do homework with him?

But it´s great that he´s interested, isn´t it?

Imagine if he remarries & wanted to go with his new wife-would you want that?

Pancakeflipper · 12/10/2011 12:59

I am impressed he wants to go. He has every right to go and find out how his kid is doing at school.
you might not like it, you might feel uncomfy with the situation but that's the situation and you are going face more tricky ones in the future.... Wait till your kid get married....

Appuskidu · 12/10/2011 13:02

You are behaving appallingly.

As a teacher, I have all sorts of combinations of parents attend parent consultations and it's really good when you see the parents putting their own differences aside for ten minutes to speak to you and put their child first. Your child's father has every right to be there and I'm sure you would be fuming if he said he was going with his new wife and they would tell you what was said.

If you or your DH are not happy about your ex being there at the same time, then your husband needs to stand down and stay at home. The children that I see where separated parents are able to attend together are usually the most level-headed and sensible about their parents' situation.

The last resort is having to make two separate appointments. Please try to avoid this where possible as it could make the difference between the teacher seeing 30 parents for ten minutes each and seeing 60 parents for ten minutes. Unless there are safeguarding issues whereby you can't be in the same room as your child's father, you need to start looking at the long-term implications you face. There will be many many times in the future where your child will need both parents present and you can start practising making that easy now.

Inertia · 12/10/2011 13:03

Ideally you'd all go together to save the teachers using up timeslots, and so that you are all on the same page with regard to your child's education, next steps etc.

If this is really impossible, I think it's reasonable for you to pass on the details of the parents evening and suggest that your Ex makes appointments at a time that's convenient for him. Bear in mind that he might want to take your DS along too.

chicletteeth · 12/10/2011 13:03

YABVVVU.
He has a much right to go as you.
You should tell him when you're going so he can attend if he wishes.
Failing that, he could see the teacher separately but then that will make you look like a tit for being so juvenile and not letting him come for the ten whole minutes that it takes for the teacher to brief you both the once.
Grow up.

jellybeans · 12/10/2011 13:04

YABU

Lots of parents at DC's school come together to parents evening. It may be abit awkward at times but they are the parents and it is better to be amicable than come seperate appointments. I have seen so much bitterness and also parents who do their best even though their partners went off with OW etc. they still are amicable for the kids including goint to parents eve etc. together. it is so much better.

DogsBeastFiend · 12/10/2011 13:05

Another YABU here.

Your ex is the boy's father, not your DH.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/10/2011 13:05

Have to add to the chorus of YABU. For all of the reasons listed.